Cysts

So, I went in for my ultrasound this morning. First thing I saw were two dark circles on an ovary. "What is that?" I asked. Super nice technician, "Cysts."

I've been worried all day that my last IUI would be postponed. Luckily, I worried for nothing. I start the G*nalf tonight. They upped my dosage again. Oh what fun? Also, since my luteal phase was shorter by two days this cycle, I'll be on progesterone. More fun.

Wondering if my "different" symptoms were caused by the cysts.

***

On another note, I am EXHAUSTED. We partied like rockstars this weekend. And had a great time. Between travel, little sleep, and emotional exertion of this cycle - I feel like I can sleep for a few days. Hoping to play catch up this week.

One more to go.

If you haven't guessed, no golden ticket. One more try. So defeated at the moment. Will be partaking in many an alcoholic beverage. Until next week.

A Golden Ticket

Like Charlie, I am given only a few chances to find my Golden Ticket. Actually, in two years and 10 months, I have been given 24 chances. Yes, my luck is horrible compared to Charlie’s. But that is also why I am not a gambler.

So, for the last two years and 10 months, I have been searching, yearning, coveting, my golden ticket, a baby. After all the doctors pretty much told me that my problem is ovulation. And I’ve ovulated at least 13 times that I know of, therefore it is safe to assume their might be more going on. But, after two years and 10 months, I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically spent. Enough is enough.

This cycle, I let hope in. And again she is reminding me that she is stronger and meaner than I. My hope was coxed after I exhibited “different” symptoms, well isn’t that always the way? Now, AF is knocking on my door since yesterday. Knowing too much, I know that it could be a good sign, because it started DPI 10/11 – could it be implantation bleeding? My luteal phase has never been shorter than CD 14 (I checked my records. And I've only "spotted" once before, and that well was followed by my worst period ever.). If anyone else would be presenting me with these facts, I would say don’t throw in the towel yet, not until the fat lady sings. But, I feel defeated - which leaves me to something that has been on my mind.

See this is our second to last IUI, only one more. I am sure that cycle will start in just a few days, and will end much in the same way as the previous 24 in August. After that, T and I will go into the new world of living child free. I will be back on the pill, and I will stop my prenatal. You get the point, we will be closing up shop.

And I still won’t have a Golden Ticket; nothing good to show for all of my efforts. I want to mark it. Part of me wants people to see it. To know what it means. So that I no longer have to be silent to the outside world about my infertility struggles. I want people to know that I am not selfish, that I yearned to be a mother more than I can actually say; that I have spilled and still do spill many a tear over my husband and my predicament. We were just unlucky. Him even more than I, since he married me and into this predicament.

I feel like I will need to continuously need to validate our reasoning. Because we have stopped doesn’t mean we didn’t want it bad enough, it means that we had enough. And bite my lip, instead of asking how long they would do something that they obviously were not going to be successful at. How long they would keep trying, when all they saw were negatives for 24 cycles, 7 medicated, 3 procedures – when the only thing wrong with them was “fixed.” If they would keep going on an endless rollercoaster that only made them more broken.

My secret is that I am jealous of people who have had a positive pregnancy test. Even of the ones who have lost their babies soon after. To me, they had the Golden Ticket and more validation to grieve. They are the war veterans with an outward wound. I have been grieving for something I never had. In many people’s eyes, not yours, I don’t have a right. I don’t want to have to justify being sad over this. I just need to get over it. To do just that I need to acknowledge, and grieve the situation. Mind me I know that I will have more than a scare or two, on my soul and heart.

So, do you have any ideas of how I can commemorate the last three years (I’m rounding up.)? Because August is coming. This will no longer be an infertility blog, instead it will be a woman coping getting off this rollercoaster and going into the unknown of a conciliation life. Who doesn’t want to forget where she came from, but needs to move on.

**SPOILER ALERT**

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As we all know, I love Harry P*tter. It was no different with the last and final book. This book brought tears to my eyes, and my heart to my throat.

Many times, I wanted Harry, Ron and Hermoine to hide underneath a bed with me; their mortal danger was emanating from the pages. Call me Mrs. Weasley. As it is, we lost many beloved friends: Hedwig, Mad Eye, Dobby, George, Tonks, and Lupin. They all died and my heart broke for those who remained, especially for little Teddy, Mr. & Mrs. Weasely, and most of all for Harry.

And for all the moments of terrible sadness. There were moments were my heart soared and tears were brought to my eyes for sheer happiness. When - what seemed to be the entire magical community - joined together and fought the ultimate evil. And when Kreacher stormed out of the Hogwarts kitchen. (I truly hope they don't cut this out in the movie.) My heart did summersaults.

Now for analysis of my predictions:

Some of my predictions were completely and totally wrong. (Said with a smile.) Dumbledore was definitely not from muggle lineage, nor did he have a connection in this way to Harry thru Lilly. James was not directly related to Godric Gryffindor. And Aunt Petunia did not have any magical abilities or links. (The story line of Petunia broke my heart. How she started shunning magic because she couldn’t be a part of it. In a way, I empathize and completely understand. She didn’t want to be left behind by her sister.)

However, I would give myself partial credit that Harry would win thru LOVE. He won thru chance (or acquiring the Elder wand), self sacrifice and love in my opinion. Also, I enjoyed how JKR allowed for Harry and other “good guys” to use unforgivable curses without tainting them. Giving me full credit for the theory of war being justifiable reasoning. Very glad she used the reasoning considering children of our soldiers. (And GO Mrs. Weasely when she got Bellatrix, I leaped in delight!) But, mostly, I appreciate how Harry never tainted himself with the ultimate unforgivable curse and therefore maintained the purity and innocence of his soul.

Alas, I was dead on that Dumbledore would not come back. However, for a dead character he contributed a ton to the story line. And I liked how they brought the fact that he wasn't perfect into reality, because no one is. It made me enjoy his character even more endearing. His relationship with Aberforth was so real and I truly enjoyed his character. The blue eye that brought me comfort thru it’s relation to my beloved Dumbledore.

My predictions about Harry’s relationship/ownership to a Hippogrif, a Dragon, a Giant, a Centauran, a flying motorbike, a two way mirror, Dobby, Rita Skeeter, and Umbridge. Personally, JKR did a great job in mentioning all of these things and beings. Can I just say, how my heart broke for Dobby. Also, how I disliked Skeeter and Umbridge just as much as the first time.

RAB or Rugulus surprised me. His protection of Kreacher gave me a tremendous amount of respect for him and his bravery for trying to stop Voldermort.

The character that I have grown to love is Snape. His beauty is that he is just like the rest of us, neither good nor bad, only human. And what a beautiful, proud, brave, strong, loving, and loyal human he was. His devotion to Lilly, well, it allows me to forgive him for his character flaws.

Despite my prediction that Wormtail would aid Harry, I never imagined that he would die in that terrible, cruel manner, so Voldermort.

The book only left me with one bit of confusion. (I am sure once I read it again, I am sure to find some other things that leave me a little baffled. Thinking too much does that to me.) I understand that Harry’s wand recognized Voldermort as being a mortal enemy/relative. But, the part that I am confused with involves the Deathly Hollows.

Now, we know that Harry inherited the invisibility cloak because it went down thru the generations. But, may I assume that the Elder’s ring was the same? Could Voldermort and Harry actually have been distant relatives? Therefore the blood bond was all ready there and it may explain the first altercation between Harry and Voldermort?

Ultimately, I know that it was very convenient how Harry feel upon the Hollows. What were the chances, that he would fight Draco and receive his wand before Harry sacrificing himself to Voldermort? But, I can’t begrudge JKR for her creative liberty, since it has always been her story. A beautiful, captivating, imaginative story which teaches so many valuable lessons about: humanity, death, equality, fairness, good vs. evil, community, and justice. To name just a few.

To me, Harry’s story will always be one of my favorites. (I actually read the Epilogue twice, because to me no one deserved a happy ending more than Harry.)
Thank you JK R*wling. Your imagination is beyond any that I have found and has brought me utter and complete joy. It helped me in ways that I cannot express, and I feel indebted to you.

So...

I've finished Harry Potter and the Deathly H*llows. And I want to talk about it. But I will be patient, considering that I am sure that there are many people still reading or what not. Consider this my warning. I will post on Friday about my thoughts. It will have SPOILER ALERT as the title, a photo of fireworks, then my thoughts. Cool? Cool. Good.

Now, to the 2ww saga that is currently my life. I so just don't know. I am hopeful, but not over the top. Like I said before hope and I are definitely sipping herbal tea and enjoying our time. I will say this cycle is ODD. But, it could be just that - another odd cycle.

As my luck goes, of course, this weekend is my sister's bachelorette. It was planned by a friend of her's. And I "officially" won't know the answer to my 2ww. So, I plan on taking a HPT on Saturday morning - it will be 13 DPI. Basically if it is negative, I will take it as an OK to drink up. If it is positive, I will be ecstatic and making up excuses for not drinking. Since I don't want to tell anyone in real life until we see the heart beat. Those words bring a smile to my face. How blissful?

Unlucky me, the sister-in-law from hell, is now coming to the bachelorette and she is bringing friends. To my sister's bachelorette. Yeah, WTH? Can't we just be a grown-up PLEASE!

So wish me luck...please.

Feeling very...

IMPATIENT.

I used to think I was patient. (Said with a smile.) Now, I know better. I hate to wait. As time goes by, I understand instant gratification more and more. Right now is one of those times that I DESPERATELY would appreciate instant gratification.

Funny, it isn't all in relation to my current 2ww. However, I am a little impatient about that too. But, my worse of the 2ww is ALWAYS week two, and closer to test day. At 4 DPI, I think I'm good. (Granted things are not "normal." TMI, I have been constipated (not usual), still have CM, and VERY bloated. Body is screwing around again. HMPH. At least it is what I tell myself considering it is 4DPI! Oh, and I caught myself soaking my sandwich in pickle juice. Not something I usually do, but it was VERY YUMMY.)

But, the reason I am felling impatient is because of Harry P*tter. No seriously. Yes, I know the book comes out today, etc. But, T and I have a tradition. For the last four books, he has bought them for me. And he bought my Book 7. But, the problem he is at a competition in a different state, and the book is being delivered to his work. And it will be trapped in their mail room. I will have to wait until Monday. I am so bummed.

I WANT THAT INSTANT GRATIFICATION. Granted it won't be instantaneous considering I will have to read the 746 pages to know EVERYTHING. It probably is a good thing that I will have to wait considering I am rereading Book 6. And I should finish before starting 7. Since there is so much I have forgotten. BUT, I really want it NOW.

Yes, just like so many other things.

Yet again, like with so many things, it could be a good thing that I must wait. Considering I will start it during the worst part of my 2ww. It will be my ultimate distraction. So maybe, just maybe there is value in waiting. HMPH...who would of thunk it!

How truly....

PERFECT!

Err...I think you misunderstood.

The feelings about being stagnate are how I feel in general about infertility. Not about this cycle. For some reason, hope is in the house for this cycle. Not full force hope. But hope that knocked politely, I let her in, and we are settling in with a nice cup of herbal tea. Enjoying eachother's company but not madly passionately in love.

With that said, I want to document how odd this cycle has been. When I was taking my G*nalf, I couldn't eat enough. And now, a few days after my IUIs, I am still bloated and SUPER tired. A little odd, since my bloating usually goes down after ovulation and my energy levels aren't usually effected until my period. And it slightly makes me giddy. When that giddiness becomes craziness, I remember that it is just my body playing games with my head. Much too early for anything to be happening. OBVIOUSLY.

And I would like to keep my feet grounded.

It is going to be a long 13 days. (My clinic only tests 15 DPI.)

Stagnate

So, I went to my therapist a week ago. She kept on asking me "How are you?" She asked me about three times. And the first few times, I gave her my knee jerk reaction response "I'm fine." But, she wasn't happy with that response, and finally I came up with it. "I feel stagnate."

Everyone else's life is moving forward, while mine remains. My friends all get pregnant easily and have beautiful children within a year. While I have been trying just to get pregnant for almost 3 years.

Everyone else has put their place on the market and had it sold with in several weeks. Our place has been on the market for a month. Eight people have come to see it, but no offers. (I know it is the different market. Blah blah blah.)

Everyone else <> gets what they want. While, I sit here twiddling my fingers waiting for life to happen. And I'm very sick of it.

As I held my friend S's new beautiful baby on Sunday, I yearned for my turn. Ached. When T asked me what was wrong, I said "Nothing." Because it isn't anything new. That ach has been there for a long time. But, now it is different. As we get closer to the end of our treatments (only one more to go - if you little eggies don't listen) it is more of never going to happen, instead of it being I hope it happens soon.

And I feel like I am going to only remain more stagnate. My friends and family will continue to have babies. We will eventually sell our condo and get into a new home. We will eventually get our dog. But eventually those things will also become stagnate too. No other life events will occur. At least not the good ones. We will get older, lose jobs, probably find new ones (hopefully this will be good), lose people, etc. But nothing new will come into our lives. No beautiful bundles of joys, that will be for others to enjoy and for us to admire from outside. We will remain in S - L - O - W motion while everyone else runs at normal pace.

Sadly, I'm not only feeling left behind by my real life friends, I'm feeling left behind by my board and blogland buddies. People are making circles around me, while I stand still.

At this point, I am desperate for some kind of change. Something that will allow us to grow. Because that is the worst part for me right now. Staying put. For the maybe, for the what may be.

IUI's Theme Song

Very apropos considering I spent most of this morning to do just that breathe :P. So, I've highlighted the stuff that is apropos, considering some of it isn't applicable, but I think you will allow me my creative liberty :).

ANNA NALI*K LYRICS

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Why not?

So, willing and ignoring myself pregnant hasn't worked. How about bribery? Here goes.

Dear eggs,

This is your Mom (the woman who's body you are in). I understand that there hasn't been any past success of creating life in this body. But, I am asking you to please consider. Be adventurers, trail blazers. See life here would be good for any baby(ies). Let me tell you a little about it.

Your Dad (the sperm's owner) is really great with kids. He loves to play, see he is a bit of a kid himself. So you would get toys. Lots and lots of toys. And all types. See, because your Dad will get you fun stuff and I'll be getting you books and more intellectual games. If you are a girl, you will have your own kitchen set. Maybe if your are a boy too. :).

Your Aunts and Uncles. Well they have been waiting a long time for you. Your Aunt M, well she will dress you to the nines. Brand names, you got it. (I'm more of the type that you will be dress very cutely, but it won't be brand names, at least not all of the time. I want you to be able to play in the dirt. Sounds life fun?) Your Aunt G, she will be overly excited as well. Hmm, so will your Uncle M and L.

Which leads me to your big cousins. They probably won't know what to do with you at first. But when you get older. They will play baseball with you. If you are super smart, your cousin D will probably teach you about quantum physics :P.

Your Grandparents, you will be the first grandchild(ren). Do you know what that means? Candy, toys, and anything your little heart(s) can imagine.

Like I said, you will be spoiled and VERY LOVED.

If you do decide to stick around, I promise to take you to Disn*y World, Univ*rsal, and any other park you can imagine. I'll take you to the kid movies as soon as you are old enough. And to the science and children's museums in town.

You can eat icecream everyday if that is what you fancy. We will compromise on vegetables, as long as you try them.

We have two kitties. And we will be getting a dog.

When you are older, we will get you a bike and talk about a car. And college is definite that we will help you with it. You decide where you want to go, and if you want to stay at home or go away or if it isn't the right choice for you.

Use your imagination and we will see what we can do.

Please fertilize, implant, and become a living breathing baby(ies). Thanks for hearing me out, and I love you.

Your would be Mom

Me too.

"I Would Die For That" by Kellie Coffey

There you are! Hello Hope.

Got off the phone with the nurse. E2 at 247 and four follicles. Yes, you read that right, 4!

For some reason that number makes me feel like it is our best shot. Absolutely best shot.

OH BOY, this 2ww is going to be a killer!

Is this funny? **UPDATED**

Have you seen those commercials were people call in to a line, tell them a scenario, and ask "Is this funny?"

Well my friends, I am asking you.

This morning I go in for blood and ultrasound. I have absolutely no idea what is going on with my body. There are definite follies, but no idea on how many or what not. Didn't ask actually for more information because I figured the information from three days ago would be completely out of date.

But, my left side feels full. To the point that when I did a yoga move last night, ouch?

And T is working 36 hours straight starting today. He will not be near the clinic or home in the next 36 hours. He packed a bag and went to work today. I haven't been able to do the trigger shot on myself. And how is he going to drop off his deposit if the IUI is tomorrow?

So, if I have to trigger tonight. I am in deep doodoo.

To complicate matters, I am very close to the end of my medication.

So today, after my ultrasound and blood work, I asked these two questions.

1. Is it possible to extend a trigger by one day?

and

2. Should I order more G*nalf?

I did warn the nurse that they are bi-polar questions.

Is this funny? Asked with a smirk and a shake of my head.

What makes this even funnier, my E2 is at 126 and have no measurable follies (I have a bunch all under 12mm.) Why do I worry?

I LOVE POTTER!

Yes, my obsession is great with Harry. I love these books. LOVE them. As a distraction, I've been rereading books five and six in preparation for the last. So lets play....here are my predictions.


Dumbledore will not be coming back. No matter, how much I wish he would. JKR clearly stated he would not be - I went to her book reading last summer in NY. However, I am afraid that the fact he was the secret keeper for Grimauld place could be a significant problem.

Dumbledore's brother, I think will become relevant.

Harry will win in the end thru LOVE. However I am not a 100% certain how it will play out or if he will end up using an unforgivable curse. However, aren't they in war? And wouldn't it be forgivable in that context?

I think there is a very good reason that the boy wizard has made friends with a Hippogrif, a Dragon, a Giant, a Centauran, flying motorbike, two way mirror, Dolby, etc. I think they will all come into play somehow.

RAB, I am not sure. Did they ever find his body? I think his significance ended with the hortecreux.

Aunt Petunia will divulge her link to the magical world, but she herself is not magical. And he link may lend itself to Lilly's eyes. Which I also think have some significance, more than Harry’s are in their likeness.

Lastly, I am not sure about Snape if he is good or bad. But that is the beauty of Snape, because he is both I suspect just like the rest of us.

Umbridge and Rita Skeeter will both return.

I think that Wormtail will help Harry in some way in the end. And that Voldemort can’t kill Harry because of his blood being part of his reincarnation.

Connection to Godric Gryffindor to Godric Hollow and to one of the Potters. All of the pure blood wizards – James – are somehow related to each other.

Potter was on the Black family tree, however Dumbledore was not. Could Dumbledore be related to Lily and Petunia? We don’t know Dumbledore’s lineage, could he be born of Muggles?

As you can probably tell, I love Potter. Please, do share your predictions....but once the book received, don't spoil it for me. Personally, I will be posting about it, but giving everyone fair warning.

What next?

Wednesday morning I had a nightmare. Basically, it was about a complication which occurred from our next IUI when a new nurse punctured my uterus with the catheter for insemination. Basically the puncture causes complications, besides uncontrollable bleeding, and I lose my uterus.

In it, I am in a hospital bed surrounded by T, my parents, T’s Aunt G, and my cousin L. My mother, speaking very loudly, is saying “I told her not to do those procedures and that she would only hurt herself. I don’t understand why.” I loose it and tell her “Get out.” And she leaves with my father.

I cry uncontrollable for the loss of my fertility, all over again, like it was a new wound. Although, I acknowledged in my dream that it was very much useless even before now. But, at least, there was always a chance. Granted not very large, but a chance just the same.

So my cousin proceeds to offer her uterus. Now, I know, how unselfish. Yet, I know, even in my dream, that it is only self serving offer. I immediately say no, that T and I decided not to use a surrogate. And in my minds eye, I look at my husband and I know that we haven’t even talked about it. But, it was simply not an option for me. To have her have that over me, something to dangle and taunt me. You couldn’t do this, so I had to do it for you. I am better and you’re bad. It would only further a competition that my mother started between the two of us, since I don’t measure up to her nieces.

So L says, “But, have you done enough?” And all I could do was cry hysterically and yell at her to “GET OUT.” G gets onto the bed and holds me, while T holds my hand.

I woke up crying. And thinking of what next?

See, I’ve changed my dreams before. But, I’ve never had to do it for other people. Lets face it, stopping will effect a slew of people; my husband, my parents, my sister, my mother-in-law – not just me.

But, it isn’t like I didn’t try. (Actually, the dream left me in such a state that I woke up and went to the computer where I have a file regarding my cycles and ovulations.) With this IUI, we will have had 12 ovulations, and 12 attempts. And with one more IUI, that will be 13 for total. Now, to me that is enough. Especially when you consider, that according to all of the doctors, all we needed to do was get me to ovulate. It makes me feel betrayed by the medical community. Betrayed by my body. Guilty. Because, I’ve ovulated 11 times thus far, and no baby.

Yet, I fear that once we stop, it will just be a new battle. I will have to answer for our decision. Because to someone, and maybe to even you, it won’t be enough – I could of done X. Which leaves me feeling like this will never be completely over. At least not until I hit menopause or die. Honestly, I am not looking forward to either event. The hot flashes on the Clomid were a b*tch.

Why is that every time that I think I am OK, something pops into my head that proves that I am not? At least not truly completely OK.

Now, what cycle is this?

I couldn't tell you. Wow. I think while I was seeking for cautious optimism, I may have found ambivalence. Oh well. The end of this cycle feels much better than my hope filled ones.

Aunt Flo showed today. And I am completely OK. I go in for bloodwork and ultrasound tomorrow. Preparing for our second IUI with G*nal-f. Check one down, two more to go. At this rate, we will be done in August. Very good thing considering our funds end then.

I am so OK. It is kind of scaring me.

So what has been keeping me busy? I've been rereading Harry P*tter 5 and 6. Preparing for the movie next weekend and Hollows. I can't wait, is stating it mildly. I am so very excited. I've been reading up on several sites and taking everyone's opinions in. So intrigued, and VERY excited to see how it all ends.

Also, thinking about starting a part time business doing Calligraphy. I've been going back and forth with it. And I think it may win out. More on that later.

The condo hasn't sold yet. We've had some promising viewers, but no offers. Thinking burying the Saint will be a must. I tried to do it peacefully :).

Maybe that is why I am so not phased by the end of this cycle. Thinking about other things, my therapist will be proud.

Oh yeah, T told me that I shouldn't be pessimistic. I laughed out loud a very hardy laugh. I think he got the point. Who me? Never. Funny, I used to be optomistic, still am, but not for myself.

Ambivalence, it is really kind of nice.