Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts running thru my head. And most of them are negative. I don't really know what to do with them all. So I'm dumping them here.

The last 2 years and 11 months have left me feeling bitter, angry, and sad. My heart feels like it is weighing me down. I want to hide.

I've felt this way since our last cycle failed. Maybe it was that I never really had any time to mourn it. To get to the point, where I know that it will be OK. Instead, I jumped into my sister's bachelorette. Then to monitoring and injections. Then to my grandfather's death, cancelling the cycle, and endless questions of when it will be our turn.

I feel drained. So freak'n angry that it has not been "our turn" yet. And overwhelmed in how to handle my life.

Please understand that I completely appreciate all of your support. It helps me tremendously. But, somedays, I wish that I had someone to talk about this in real life. Someone who hasn't beaten the infertility struggle, but who is still in the trenches.

While blog support helps, somedays, I don't think there is anything more important than to have a real life person to say, "Hey lets escape this mess for a while, you want some icecream?"

Also, I have people in my life (mostly on T's side of the family) who have gone thru infertility. But, their infertility brought them to IVF much sooner. And to be honest, I don't think they appreciate how emotionally drained I am. For two reasons. First, they skipped clomid and IUI. They didn't have those options, and sometimes I think that can be a blessing. Secondly, because - and please don't take offense - I think your prespective changes once you win. And they all have one, not once but three times each.

Unfortunatley, once you have that child in your arms, you think that is the only solution. And unfortunately, just because you got the golden ticket, doesn't mean that I will.

See, I KNOW, that G-d says no. He has said many a no in my life. I've grown enough to know that he says no, and that it isn't because he doesn't love me. It simply isn't meant to be. This knowledge makes me sad. Because it also increases my feelings of this struggle being futile. Since, he maybe saying no. And I won't know until I'm dead if that is true.

Also, my thoughts of getting off this crazy rollercoaster are compounded by two factions in my life. My family's just let it go, it is obviously not meant to be. And my husband's family's just do IVF and stay strong.

I know that I have one more IUI cycle. More than that, I don't know if I can mentally handle that turmoil. That no. Because, IVF only ups the knowledge. I will find out if my body is completely effed up, right now I know that is partially effed up. For some reason, that leaves me with a little hope. Without knowing the complete story, it is false hope, but still it is more than nothing. Also, it ups the financial burden which is my deep dirty secret - I don't want this too bankrupt us. And it could.

Somedays, I know that I need to get off this road to keep what little sanity I have. Other days, I think that if I get off without the baby, I'm a failure and a quiter. Most days, I want to hide from my reality - because it is no fun.

**SPOILER ALERT**

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As we all know, I love Harry P*tter. It was no different with the last and final book. This book brought tears to my eyes, and my heart to my throat.

Many times, I wanted Harry, Ron and Hermoine to hide underneath a bed with me; their mortal danger was emanating from the pages. Call me Mrs. Weasley. As it is, we lost many beloved friends: Hedwig, Mad Eye, Dobby, George, Tonks, and Lupin. They all died and my heart broke for those who remained, especially for little Teddy, Mr. & Mrs. Weasely, and most of all for Harry.

And for all the moments of terrible sadness. There were moments were my heart soared and tears were brought to my eyes for sheer happiness. When - what seemed to be the entire magical community - joined together and fought the ultimate evil. And when Kreacher stormed out of the Hogwarts kitchen. (I truly hope they don't cut this out in the movie.) My heart did summersaults.

Now for analysis of my predictions:

Some of my predictions were completely and totally wrong. (Said with a smile.) Dumbledore was definitely not from muggle lineage, nor did he have a connection in this way to Harry thru Lilly. James was not directly related to Godric Gryffindor. And Aunt Petunia did not have any magical abilities or links. (The story line of Petunia broke my heart. How she started shunning magic because she couldn’t be a part of it. In a way, I empathize and completely understand. She didn’t want to be left behind by her sister.)

However, I would give myself partial credit that Harry would win thru LOVE. He won thru chance (or acquiring the Elder wand), self sacrifice and love in my opinion. Also, I enjoyed how JKR allowed for Harry and other “good guys” to use unforgivable curses without tainting them. Giving me full credit for the theory of war being justifiable reasoning. Very glad she used the reasoning considering children of our soldiers. (And GO Mrs. Weasely when she got Bellatrix, I leaped in delight!) But, mostly, I appreciate how Harry never tainted himself with the ultimate unforgivable curse and therefore maintained the purity and innocence of his soul.

Alas, I was dead on that Dumbledore would not come back. However, for a dead character he contributed a ton to the story line. And I liked how they brought the fact that he wasn't perfect into reality, because no one is. It made me enjoy his character even more endearing. His relationship with Aberforth was so real and I truly enjoyed his character. The blue eye that brought me comfort thru it’s relation to my beloved Dumbledore.

My predictions about Harry’s relationship/ownership to a Hippogrif, a Dragon, a Giant, a Centauran, a flying motorbike, a two way mirror, Dobby, Rita Skeeter, and Umbridge. Personally, JKR did a great job in mentioning all of these things and beings. Can I just say, how my heart broke for Dobby. Also, how I disliked Skeeter and Umbridge just as much as the first time.

RAB or Rugulus surprised me. His protection of Kreacher gave me a tremendous amount of respect for him and his bravery for trying to stop Voldermort.

The character that I have grown to love is Snape. His beauty is that he is just like the rest of us, neither good nor bad, only human. And what a beautiful, proud, brave, strong, loving, and loyal human he was. His devotion to Lilly, well, it allows me to forgive him for his character flaws.

Despite my prediction that Wormtail would aid Harry, I never imagined that he would die in that terrible, cruel manner, so Voldermort.

The book only left me with one bit of confusion. (I am sure once I read it again, I am sure to find some other things that leave me a little baffled. Thinking too much does that to me.) I understand that Harry’s wand recognized Voldermort as being a mortal enemy/relative. But, the part that I am confused with involves the Deathly Hollows.

Now, we know that Harry inherited the invisibility cloak because it went down thru the generations. But, may I assume that the Elder’s ring was the same? Could Voldermort and Harry actually have been distant relatives? Therefore the blood bond was all ready there and it may explain the first altercation between Harry and Voldermort?

Ultimately, I know that it was very convenient how Harry feel upon the Hollows. What were the chances, that he would fight Draco and receive his wand before Harry sacrificing himself to Voldermort? But, I can’t begrudge JKR for her creative liberty, since it has always been her story. A beautiful, captivating, imaginative story which teaches so many valuable lessons about: humanity, death, equality, fairness, good vs. evil, community, and justice. To name just a few.

To me, Harry’s story will always be one of my favorites. (I actually read the Epilogue twice, because to me no one deserved a happy ending more than Harry.)
Thank you JK R*wling. Your imagination is beyond any that I have found and has brought me utter and complete joy. It helped me in ways that I cannot express, and I feel indebted to you.

Stagnate

So, I went to my therapist a week ago. She kept on asking me "How are you?" She asked me about three times. And the first few times, I gave her my knee jerk reaction response "I'm fine." But, she wasn't happy with that response, and finally I came up with it. "I feel stagnate."

Everyone else's life is moving forward, while mine remains. My friends all get pregnant easily and have beautiful children within a year. While I have been trying just to get pregnant for almost 3 years.

Everyone else has put their place on the market and had it sold with in several weeks. Our place has been on the market for a month. Eight people have come to see it, but no offers. (I know it is the different market. Blah blah blah.)

Everyone else <> gets what they want. While, I sit here twiddling my fingers waiting for life to happen. And I'm very sick of it.

As I held my friend S's new beautiful baby on Sunday, I yearned for my turn. Ached. When T asked me what was wrong, I said "Nothing." Because it isn't anything new. That ach has been there for a long time. But, now it is different. As we get closer to the end of our treatments (only one more to go - if you little eggies don't listen) it is more of never going to happen, instead of it being I hope it happens soon.

And I feel like I am going to only remain more stagnate. My friends and family will continue to have babies. We will eventually sell our condo and get into a new home. We will eventually get our dog. But eventually those things will also become stagnate too. No other life events will occur. At least not the good ones. We will get older, lose jobs, probably find new ones (hopefully this will be good), lose people, etc. But nothing new will come into our lives. No beautiful bundles of joys, that will be for others to enjoy and for us to admire from outside. We will remain in S - L - O - W motion while everyone else runs at normal pace.

Sadly, I'm not only feeling left behind by my real life friends, I'm feeling left behind by my board and blogland buddies. People are making circles around me, while I stand still.

At this point, I am desperate for some kind of change. Something that will allow us to grow. Because that is the worst part for me right now. Staying put. For the maybe, for the what may be.

A baby shower.

On Sunday, I get the pleasure of going to a baby shower with my mother and all of my mother's female extended family members. Yes, if you sensed sarcasm in that sentence, it was intended.

I would rather....clean toilets....drink fish oil....have a BFN.

But, it is for my cousin. A cousin who didn't tell me she was pregnant. A cousin that I am clearly not friends with. However, we are related. And in order to preserve what little relationship we have. I've decided to go.

Oh, yeah. I also decided to go, because it is easier to go than listen to my mother telling me "That I am a terribly selfish person who isn't happy for anyone because I can't have what they have. And that I have been completely insufferable since starting to take hormones."

What fun awaits me.....oh what fun.

My Mom, makes me cry.

Today, I went to see the counselor. And when she asked, “How are you doing?” I answered with a knee jerk, “I’m fine.” But then remembered where I was, and quickly added, “There is so much going on, that I don’t know where to start.”

And I started to tell her about: the BFN, the insurance application, the confrontation with RE’s office, the ring-a-mar-roll of the insurance, the self imposed deadline, the up and coming baby showers, the bridal shower, etc. All the stress which has become my life.

But, I was only emotional when we talked about my Mother which came up with my cousin’s and friend’s baby showers.

Yesterday, I went over my parent’s house for dinner. T was working late, and they were reimbursing me for the stamps and other incidentals of my sister’s save the dates. So we were chatting. Reminded them that my friend S’s baby present should be coming to their home soon. (Basically, getting things mailed to my apartment is a disaster, so I often just send it to them.) The look came.

My Mother has a look of pain that crosses her face every so often. I first noticed it when we were shopping at a craft shop for my sister’s bridal shower. She saw a pregnant lady, and the look crossed her face. I noted it, and didn’t say anything. Last night, it hit her face again. Especially when we were talking about my cousin’s pending baby, and her baby shower in April. The look was full on. And I noted it again.

What hurts, is that she can’t recognize that if she is in pain, I must also be in pain. Instead of being on our own corners of pain, we could be bonding over it. We could be commiserating over the feelings of being left behind, our longing for a wanted child which may never come, and our sadness which is my infertility.

But, I am reminded that she isn’t wired that way. And I am reminded that to pursue getting emotional support from her, will only end badly, which saddens me. Another thing to get over.

On a side note, the counselor asked me if there is any way I could get out of the baby showers. Because I told her that my cousin's is causing me some anxiety. I told her, that I can't miss either. My cousin and my relationship could not stand the weight of me not going, she would take it personal. And for my friend, I want to be there. She has been a great support to me during this saga, that I wouldn't miss it for the world.

The part I didn't tell her, is that I am doing some things which will get me in the right frame of mind. Tells which I just noticed myself. When I am going to an event, which either is coming after a bitter BFN (even possibly coming) or makes me nervous. I try to find a generous gift and find a perfect outfit to wear. Check on the gifts, but I still need to figure out the outfit. :). There could be worse ways to cope.

My Pensieve

It is what my blog is turning into. A pensieve in which I hold life events and thoughts that may potentially consume me.

The latest three:

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The future is no longer bright and sunny with endless possibilities to me. It is now, ominous and terrifying with limitations.
***
While out with my mother yesterday, I noticed that she too see all the babies and pregnant ladies of the world. Unfortunately she can’t get over her own sadness about the situation so that she can talk to me about it. Instead of her trying to empathize, she can only think about how it is effecting her which causes her to say and do inconsiderate things to me. And as time goes by, the rift in our relationship deepens.
***
My friend G last night told me that she saw my mother at a store. G was with her two children and her own mother. My mother proceeds to tell G and her mother, “No babies yet.” My mother has no idea whether or not G knows.

G and I were very close at one point, but life has gotten in the way and we don’t see each other all that often. So basically, my mother is outing me with people. So much for me keeping control of my circle of knowing.
***

Petrified by an insurance application.

Today, while I sat in my car and replayed (in my head) my telephone conversation with my sister, I realized that I am not just a little scared. I am petrified.

And this realization is only confirmed by having the insurance application on my dinning room table for several weeks. It remains in the sealed package it came in. I have been avoiding that package for its double meaning.

It means that once we are approved, we will HAVE to start our next step. And right now, it doesn’t just feel like a step. It feels like a huge canyon that I need to find a way around. The canyon created by my enormous fear of failure. My fear of failed cycles is only reinforced by my experience of failure in the last two years and five months. The only success has been to make the darn thing ovulate, what it is intended to do. Other than that, not one maybe baby. None.

Only hurt. Pain. Disappointment. Discouragement.

And I am scared of more failure, more pain, more disappointment and more discouragement. I am petrified of how destroyed I will be if the IUIs fail. If the G-IFT fails. If this long journey was all for nothing and all I will be left with is my worthless reproductive system.

The end point only intensifies my distress over doing procedures. It adds to my fear. Because each procedure will be one more step to the end of this road. It will be final and each procedure represents one step closer to that end. It scares me, how much those failed cycles will hurt.

(Yes, I know that they very well could work. But, the odds are still against us and this is what I need to remember to survive those possible failed cycles.)

And it doesn’t help that my parents BELIEVE that the IUI will work. Not a little belief, but full fledge they are going to be very disappointed belief. They don’t know how it feels to be that disappointed. I don’t want to be the cause for that disappointment; for that heart break.

All of this adds to my deep want to escape infertility. To avoid it all. To not think about us getting pregnant. To hide.

Anything, but to face what has become my reality - the insurance application.

The last part of the conversation – Dianne you are strong, and you will get thru this.

What I wanted to reply, “I don’t feel strong. I need someone to hold my hand. To help me sit down and face that application, because right now all I feel is petrified.”

Failure and Guilt

I am a failure.

Mr. Webster, I will need your help in defining the word and to explain.

fail‧ure –noun 1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure. 2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear. 7. a person or thing that proves unsuccessful: He is a failure in his career. The cake is a failure.

As you can see, there were many more definitions. I will focus on the ones that apply to me.

As I said before, I am a failure. It has been brought to my attention that I have failed or proved unsuccessful in trying to have a child. Due to my nonperformance of pursuing extraordinary measures of having a child, I have failed. And therefore, I have proved to be even more unsuccessful. As I have proved above, I am a failure.

Why does this bother me so? Well, because I have never truly failed at anything. I used to joke that my parents gave me the initials of the grades they did not want to see in my report card; C, D, and F. Usually, I can work hard at something. Put all of my energies and try to change a potential failure into a success.

With trying to conceive, I can’t do any more than I have. Yes, I could face facts and go to the next step with my husband and enter the world of ART. But at this point, I am not ready. Because ultimately, I know too much. I know that ART is not a guarantee. And if I am having this much trouble with my current failures (25 months fast approaching 26), wouldn't it be safe to assume that further failure may put me over the edge? After all, if I and my body failed at ART, then we would be the ultimate failure. Mentally, I cannot survive that at this point.

So, what can a failure do? Well, if you are me, you feel guilty. Yes, add that to the bag.

Mr. Webster a definition please. guilt–noun 2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

Again, it consisted of a couple more definitions. But, this is the one that makes the most sense. I feel guilty over a failure that I ultimately have no control over and fell guilty that I am not strong enough to pursue stronger measures. Guilty for my absolute failure and fear of failing more.

Before this consumes me, and it is very close to doing that, I will be visiting with a counselor who has dealt with infertility herself. Maybe she can make me understand that I am not as terrible as I feel. That I can't possible be a failure, because nature failed to give me the working hormones to accomplish this task, and therefore my feelings of failure and guilt are misplaced.

Ultimately, it is irrational that I think of myself as a failure or feel guilty. Because there was no way of succeeding. It was Nature's failure, and therefore she/he should feel guilty. Maybe.