My Pensieve

It is what my blog is turning into. A pensieve in which I hold life events and thoughts that may potentially consume me.

The latest three:

***
The future is no longer bright and sunny with endless possibilities to me. It is now, ominous and terrifying with limitations.
***
While out with my mother yesterday, I noticed that she too see all the babies and pregnant ladies of the world. Unfortunately she can’t get over her own sadness about the situation so that she can talk to me about it. Instead of her trying to empathize, she can only think about how it is effecting her which causes her to say and do inconsiderate things to me. And as time goes by, the rift in our relationship deepens.
***
My friend G last night told me that she saw my mother at a store. G was with her two children and her own mother. My mother proceeds to tell G and her mother, “No babies yet.” My mother has no idea whether or not G knows.

G and I were very close at one point, but life has gotten in the way and we don’t see each other all that often. So basically, my mother is outing me with people. So much for me keeping control of my circle of knowing.
***

Platitudes

(Please note that I know this will sound harsh, and I apologize. Because I know they are being said with only kindness, and there is a point to this entry. It won’t be what you think either.)

I hate them. Infertility makes many people feel a loss and they revert to them. You know the ones:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. It takes time.
3. It’ll happen, if it is meant to be.
4. You are doing everything you can do, now you need to be patient.

They all construe the truth.

Everything doesn’t happen for a reason. Shit happens which in my book equals to life happens. So, please excuse me, but I really don’t think God has total control over anything that happens here on Earth. And he gave up control sometime around Noah’s Ark.

Genesis 8: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done. As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease."

(I do believe in miracles, intercession, etc. but those are different.)

Ironically, I realized today, that I am the QUEEN of the platitude.

A little background is needed. My last job before my current position dealt with a type of law that affected a person very personally. The stress in these government applications was enormous considering it effected their livelihood, their families livelihoods, and their futures. I’m not exaggerating. Because of 911 etc., these applications became even more arduous and time consuming. Some applications took 2 to 3 years to be decided upon and most of these people were trapped in what ifs.

Similar life altering stress to what we experience during infertility, such as: loss of control, only being partially active, and life altering. Yes, these people understood many of the feelings I’ve had in the last few years. And I like to think, I was always kind to them. Tried to be sympathetic of their situation, after all I am first generation, what they were going thru wasn’t out of the realm of my world.

But, I would give them platitudes all of the time. And all of the ones listed above, I said to one or more people. CRAP, could it be bad karma? What comes around, goes around? I could be in serious trouble. Oh boy!

Top Ten of Insensitive Comments

During my trials and tribulations of trying to conceive people have said very insensitive, mean, ignorant things, these are my top ten with comments that came into my head, but I used the filter not to respond:

10. Why else do you get married but to have children?

Really, I thought I got married to spend the rest of my life with T. If I remember my wedding day correctly, I only pledged to be openned to the idea of children.

9. You are young, you've got time.

Why does every doctor I see say this? It is frustrating. Yes, I am only 30. In fertility terms I have time, however if I started this journey at 28, and as time goes by it will only be more difficult. Wouldn't it be smarter to take action NOW?

8. Relax, it'll happen.

Relaxing is NOT going to get me to ovulate or get my testosterone to a "normal" range is it?

7. Aren't you overeacting? You don't have a problem. It is all in your head.

Denial, is not just a river in Egypt Mom. Just because you choose to ignore an issue, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Actually, that is a double negative, therefore it means that it DOES exist.

6. Are you sure your getting the right hole?

Is that what happened with you?

5. Your whole existence should be to give me a grandchild.

You need to reevaluate that idea, because it may never happen.

4. Your just like my granddaughter, much too selfish to have children.

I'll remember that at your next birthday.

3. You know that you shouldn't douche after you have sex if you are trying to conceive?

You really think I am stupid. Stupidity doesn't preclude a person from being a parent, actually sometimes I think it is a requirement. And, since I'm not that stupid, that might be my problem.

2. Maybe you aren't meant to have kids.

Thanks, but since you aren't God, I'd like a second opinion.

1. You better get going on having a kid, before T leaves you.

I think you should be more concerned with your husband my dear. Especially, as a manager of a grocery store he has more emergencies than my husband who is a police officer.

CONTRADICTION

After spending so many years of trying to figure myself out, this is what I have come up with, I am a contradiction.

The meaning of contradiction Mr. Webster:

1 : a fact or condition incompatible with another : OPPOSITE -- usually used with the

OK, contradiction was not in the dictionary, but contrary was and contradiction is a derivative of the word, therefore I feel fine using the definition.

Back to my thought process, I am a contradiction. Since I have been experiencing a hormonal imbalance, at this point I don't have a more direct description of it, I am a contradiction.

I pray to get pregnant. I pray to get my period. Yes, they are a contradiction. This is where I have lived for several years.

Why do I pray to get pregnant and then also pray to get my period, you ask?

Well, because you can't get pregnant without first having your period. If you realize that you didn't conceive during that cycle, like I do, because after all it is day 40. You originally believed that you had ovulated on cycle day 13, and you later find out from your RE that you ovulated between cycle day 31 and 38. You start to pray for your period.

Hence, I feel like a living, walking, talking contradiction. Mr. Webster, you can put my picture next to that definition.

I have decided to instead to pray that I have intercourse on a day that I ovulate.

*More to come on this realization :). Yes, there is more to the story.

INSENSITIVE

Insensitivity has come into my view. I wish to address it. Now, I know that I am as guilty as the next person in saying things that come out wrong or that I really didn't mean the way they came out. But, some comments make me MAD.

I keep the anger bottled up and for the most part it passes. Today, someone made a comment that sent me through the roof. But, I bit my lip. It was during an email conversation that went like this....

I am really upset. I could CRY. The nurse just called me back to tell me that my progesterone was 23, which means that I ovulated in the last week because the blood work from early last week showed that I was at 2. My body is really out of whack considering I'm at cycle day 38 and the first blood test was done on cycle day 30.

I'm feeling really upset, I think that I'm PMSing.

The person replies, How do you know if your are PMSing.....obviously your hormones are all over the place. You blame being angry so many times on being premenstrual....but how can you be. Just admit that you are angry, disappointed, frustrated.

This is when I bit my lip.

My first response was like this:

I appreciate all you have done for me. You have been incredibly supportive, especially when you went on line to learn about the various things I would be going through for testing etc. However, progesterone is one of the hormones that causes PMS, the other one is estrogen. So, if my levels went up, I feel like I don't fit in my own skin, and that I could hit you right now, I'm guessing that I am experiencing PMS.

What I sent was:

I appreciate all you have done. Yes, I am angry.

My hormones are out of whack people. Half the time, I don't know what is going on with my body. For the most part I feel broken. Uncapable of doing what most female bodies do so naturally. But, I believe that I still have the right to say I am PMSing. Heck, I think that I have even more right than most! ERRRR......I am still angry.