In November, when I first talked to my counselor – lets call her Saint – I told her that I was on a break until February. But, I was mulling over the idea of waiting out all the pending babies of 2007.
She quickly asked me why. I told her, “Well because when I am actively cycling using procedures, I get more emotional and I am afraid to go thru those emotions at same time as the events that go along with those births.”
Saint said, “If you start to do that now, you’ll never start any procedures. I will help you get thru those emotions.”
And I can’t help but agree. But, I am still fearful of the procedures and what it will do to me and my friends.
Luckily, I ran across this entry
by Tertia at So Close and I was given a voice to my thoughts. It is an entry about how to be a friend to an infertile.
(Yes, I know I’ve written a similar entry. But, this is from someone who has survived the infertility journey – jumped over the chasm and landed with twins! When I wrote my post it was written from the newly infertile point of view. I was starting to enter the middle portion of my journey, but I still was new at infertility.)
The following words Tertia uses, spoke volumes to me:
“5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.”
This is what I originally left out. Such an important part. Ask me, and I will tell you. But, most importantly accept it when I am having a good day. I still need and want to be your friend too. I want to be able to celebrate your blessings. I want to be able to go to the maternity store with you, the baby store, etc. I want to be able to see you experience mother hood. Because what you are experiencing is life changing. And, I want to be there for you. Seeing you going thru it all, because that is what friends do.
I know that I won’t always be able to go to those places or do those things. There are times (even when I am not going thru procedures) that I am not emotionally strong enough to do those things. But my good days (at least for right now) out weigh my bad days. And when I say, “Lets go.” Take me up on the good day, because I want to desperately share in your joy as much as possible. Since that is what friends do, they share in your life.
And it will help me feel like I may have won a battle against infertility – I’ll be reminded that my whole is stronger than my malfunctioning useless reproductive system. Enforcing, I will survive.
Showing posts with label Advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Advice. Show all posts
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Platitudes
(Please note that I know this will sound harsh, and I apologize. Because I know they are being said with only kindness, and there is a point to this entry. It won’t be what you think either.)
I hate them. Infertility makes many people feel a loss and they revert to them. You know the ones:
1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. It takes time.
3. It’ll happen, if it is meant to be.
4. You are doing everything you can do, now you need to be patient.
They all construe the truth.
Everything doesn’t happen for a reason. Shit happens which in my book equals to life happens. So, please excuse me, but I really don’t think God has total control over anything that happens here on Earth. And he gave up control sometime around Noah’s Ark.
Genesis 8: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done. As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease."
(I do believe in miracles, intercession, etc. but those are different.)
Ironically, I realized today, that I am the QUEEN of the platitude.
A little background is needed. My last job before my current position dealt with a type of law that affected a person very personally. The stress in these government applications was enormous considering it effected their livelihood, their families livelihoods, and their futures. I’m not exaggerating. Because of 911 etc., these applications became even more arduous and time consuming. Some applications took 2 to 3 years to be decided upon and most of these people were trapped in what ifs.
Similar life altering stress to what we experience during infertility, such as: loss of control, only being partially active, and life altering. Yes, these people understood many of the feelings I’ve had in the last few years. And I like to think, I was always kind to them. Tried to be sympathetic of their situation, after all I am first generation, what they were going thru wasn’t out of the realm of my world.
But, I would give them platitudes all of the time. And all of the ones listed above, I said to one or more people. CRAP, could it be bad karma? What comes around, goes around? I could be in serious trouble. Oh boy!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Empathy is not Pity
Mr. Webster I need your help with definitions:
Empathy – noun: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes or another.
Pity – noun: 1. sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy. 3. to feel pity or compassion for, be sorry for; commiserate with.
I don’t want to be pitied. Yes, that is not what I have been seeking by writing this blog or by talking about my infertility. I’ve been seeking empathy.
Lets focus on the words. Pity’s definition states: “give relief or aid or to show mercy.” Well, in my opinion most people cannot “fix” my problem, therefore they are unable to “give relief or aid.” And the only one that can “show mercy” is God. The only time that pity is applicable, per the definition, is when another infertile “commiserates with” me. (Please note that I include spouses/partners of infertiles when I say that because they are just as much effected.) Yes, pity is not allowed by people who are not experiencing the same thing. Therefore, if you are not experiencing equals no pity.
Empathy on the other hand is what I have been seeking. Unfortunately, many people never learned to empathize. To put yourself in another person’s shoes and to imagine how it would make you feel, if you were going thru what the other person is going thru. To imagine and understand the other person thru empathy.
My friends, this is what I am seeking from the vast majority of people in my life. Hence the reason, I have shared my blog with some of them. It is that by providing my thoughts, it is a means to provide insight so that empathy and understanding is achieved. Ultimately, I think that is what most people want. To be understood. And, it is really what I have been seeking.
Some people have excelled. They have been able to think about how they would feel if they were going thru the situation. They have been supportive and helpful, by listening. Because, honestly, when you practice empathy that is all you can do.
Others have not excelled. If you can’t empathize, and yes I recognize that some people don’t have that capability. I respectfully request that you attempt the following. Determine that you cannot empathize. If you don’t know what I am going thru and you don’t know what to say. You are not allowed to speak to me about the topic. The only statement you should make, “I don’t what you are going thru, and I can’t imagine.”
Also, if reading this blog has left you feeling pity, and you are not experiencing infertility, than please stop reading. It has not served its purpose, I never wanted you to feel bad for me.
I have a good life. This is only one aspect of my life that I wish it was not what it is. It is life altering, hence why it is currently so consuming to me. Having children is life changing, so taking that possibility from the equation is equally life changing. I am desperately coming to decisions/conclusions about my life and my husband’s. Life altering decisions, not having children is as equally distressing when it is what you thought would be your reality. Coming to another dream of your and your husband’s life is an enormously big deal.
Recently, a friend stated she “pities” me because I define myself by my fertility or my lack thereof. I do define myself by my infertility. If I rationally look at the situation, I know that is not the only thing that defines me. But, put yourself in my shoes, empathize. It really is no different than someone who defines themselves as single or a mother or a cancer patient or a cancer survivor. Ultimately, that is what they see when they see in the mirror. For someone like me, who in all intents and purposes thought she would have the title of mother by now, it is logical that infertile is how I define myself at this point. After all it is the reason why I haven’t reached my desired title.
Also, I don’t expect this to be the case for all times. I imagine with time, when we decide on the next path or something else becomes our reality (whatever it may be). I will view myself differently than I do in this moment. I will determine that I will title myself something else, but I believe I need to get to the step where my husband and I have come to a different dream. A different want for ourselves. Ultimately, infertility will not be the first quality that I see in myself. But, only God and time will help with me getting to that point.
Until then, try to empathize…it can be a valuable exercise, you may find that you need some in your own life.
Empathy – noun: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes or another.
Pity – noun: 1. sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy. 3. to feel pity or compassion for, be sorry for; commiserate with.
I don’t want to be pitied. Yes, that is not what I have been seeking by writing this blog or by talking about my infertility. I’ve been seeking empathy.
Lets focus on the words. Pity’s definition states: “give relief or aid or to show mercy.” Well, in my opinion most people cannot “fix” my problem, therefore they are unable to “give relief or aid.” And the only one that can “show mercy” is God. The only time that pity is applicable, per the definition, is when another infertile “commiserates with” me. (Please note that I include spouses/partners of infertiles when I say that because they are just as much effected.) Yes, pity is not allowed by people who are not experiencing the same thing. Therefore, if you are not experiencing equals no pity.
Empathy on the other hand is what I have been seeking. Unfortunately, many people never learned to empathize. To put yourself in another person’s shoes and to imagine how it would make you feel, if you were going thru what the other person is going thru. To imagine and understand the other person thru empathy.
My friends, this is what I am seeking from the vast majority of people in my life. Hence the reason, I have shared my blog with some of them. It is that by providing my thoughts, it is a means to provide insight so that empathy and understanding is achieved. Ultimately, I think that is what most people want. To be understood. And, it is really what I have been seeking.
Some people have excelled. They have been able to think about how they would feel if they were going thru the situation. They have been supportive and helpful, by listening. Because, honestly, when you practice empathy that is all you can do.
Others have not excelled. If you can’t empathize, and yes I recognize that some people don’t have that capability. I respectfully request that you attempt the following. Determine that you cannot empathize. If you don’t know what I am going thru and you don’t know what to say. You are not allowed to speak to me about the topic. The only statement you should make, “I don’t what you are going thru, and I can’t imagine.”
Also, if reading this blog has left you feeling pity, and you are not experiencing infertility, than please stop reading. It has not served its purpose, I never wanted you to feel bad for me.
I have a good life. This is only one aspect of my life that I wish it was not what it is. It is life altering, hence why it is currently so consuming to me. Having children is life changing, so taking that possibility from the equation is equally life changing. I am desperately coming to decisions/conclusions about my life and my husband’s. Life altering decisions, not having children is as equally distressing when it is what you thought would be your reality. Coming to another dream of your and your husband’s life is an enormously big deal.
Recently, a friend stated she “pities” me because I define myself by my fertility or my lack thereof. I do define myself by my infertility. If I rationally look at the situation, I know that is not the only thing that defines me. But, put yourself in my shoes, empathize. It really is no different than someone who defines themselves as single or a mother or a cancer patient or a cancer survivor. Ultimately, that is what they see when they see in the mirror. For someone like me, who in all intents and purposes thought she would have the title of mother by now, it is logical that infertile is how I define myself at this point. After all it is the reason why I haven’t reached my desired title.
Also, I don’t expect this to be the case for all times. I imagine with time, when we decide on the next path or something else becomes our reality (whatever it may be). I will view myself differently than I do in this moment. I will determine that I will title myself something else, but I believe I need to get to the step where my husband and I have come to a different dream. A different want for ourselves. Ultimately, infertility will not be the first quality that I see in myself. But, only God and time will help with me getting to that point.
Until then, try to empathize…it can be a valuable exercise, you may find that you need some in your own life.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Thank you
Thank you Ladies for your reaction to my Advice blog. My friends, I've choosen you wisely and I thank God for bringing you into my lives and that your families helped make you such fantastic people. How I truly love you and I mean that with all of my heart.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Advice
I’ve been contemplating on how to say what I’m about to say for sometime. I hope and pray that it comes out the way I intend for it to come out.
When I started this blog, I had a few needs. One, to express myself. Up to that point, I didn’t feel like I was accomplishing this simple task. I had many things building inside, and they need a way to come out. Thankfully the blog has given me this outlet.
The second need was to have a way to express the emotional turmoil so that my husband and friends understand where I coming from. I am referring to my everyday real friends. Unfortunately, my Vent friends are going through the same thing on a regular basis so know all to well.
Many years ago, I realized how important my friends are to me. They were a constant like no other guy, except for T. I do my best to be there for them and I know that they do their best to be there for me. During this emotional time, it has been very difficult for all of us. I know that they feel helpless, just as much as I do.
To further complicate matters, I have not been able to vocalize my needs and wants concerning the emotional rollercoaster of trying to conceive.
I apologize for this failure. It is a rollercoaster. There are days that I'm fine. There are days when I'm not. I don't have the strength to pick up the phone and ask for help, because saying the words would make me cry.
This is my attempt at trying to explain how I feel and what you can do as a friend for me.
I feel pain. Physical pain. Like someone is trying to rip my heart out with their bare hands and they are unsuccessful, so that keep on doing it. I am sad and I don't think anything to do with my situation is funny.
Despite past obstacles I've had in my life this is the most difficult up to now. Life isn't easy. I know that, and right now I am feeling that lesson more and more.
If I seem recluse. Please don’t take offense. It has nothing to do with you. Staying quiet or at home, is my way of not causing damage to my friendships. I try not to talk sometimes, because it depresses me, I can’t imagine what is doing to you. Also right now, there are times where I can't take things for what they are and I can't just shut up. It only causes problems.
It isn't that you aren't the right person to talk to. But, I'm not the same Flutter at this point and time. I'm broken and in the repair shop. Please know that I need my friends right now more than I can say to you and I don't want to lose any one of you because of my malfunctioning body.
What I need: A hug, chocolate, coffee, a drink, a flower, a card, a day with a friend at the movies, ice cream, a shoulder to cry on, an ear, a phone call, a person to read my blog and make comments (email and phone are very cool too), to go shoe shopping, to do non-kid related activities, to keep my mind off of things, etc.
What I say next is going to sound harsh, but I don't need you to fix the situation. I can't fix my problem, the Reproductive Endocrinologist can't fix my problem, the only one that can is God. I've stopped believing that he will do it just because, if it isn't in his plans, it isn't. I need you to help me thru it. To be strong when I am weak. To tell me that I will survive whatever the outcome.
And I will try to remember, when a comment is made that you are just talking. That there is no malice and if you know that it hurts, you will stop. You are trying to help in the only way you can.
Lastly, for my friends who will soon be Moms. What do I ask of you? Don’t hide it from me. Please do tell me, I want to hear of your wonderful adventure. I do ask that you tell me in private, you can tell me in front of T or your husband or our close friends. But don’t tell me in a large group, I beg of you. Please know, that no matter how crazy I feel that day, that I am genuinely happy for you, that I will pray will all my heart that you have a healthy pregnancy and delivery, and ultimately a very healthy and happy little one(s). With all my heart, that I am grateful that you don’t have to go thru this heart break. If my envious emotion comes up, please know that it isn’t that emotion that rules. If I cry know that it is mostly happy tears for you. And lastly, please now that I will love your little one with all of my heart.
I’ve said my peace. Thank you for letting me. And, I hope it is helpful.
When I started this blog, I had a few needs. One, to express myself. Up to that point, I didn’t feel like I was accomplishing this simple task. I had many things building inside, and they need a way to come out. Thankfully the blog has given me this outlet.
The second need was to have a way to express the emotional turmoil so that my husband and friends understand where I coming from. I am referring to my everyday real friends. Unfortunately, my Vent friends are going through the same thing on a regular basis so know all to well.
Many years ago, I realized how important my friends are to me. They were a constant like no other guy, except for T. I do my best to be there for them and I know that they do their best to be there for me. During this emotional time, it has been very difficult for all of us. I know that they feel helpless, just as much as I do.
To further complicate matters, I have not been able to vocalize my needs and wants concerning the emotional rollercoaster of trying to conceive.
I apologize for this failure. It is a rollercoaster. There are days that I'm fine. There are days when I'm not. I don't have the strength to pick up the phone and ask for help, because saying the words would make me cry.
This is my attempt at trying to explain how I feel and what you can do as a friend for me.
I feel pain. Physical pain. Like someone is trying to rip my heart out with their bare hands and they are unsuccessful, so that keep on doing it. I am sad and I don't think anything to do with my situation is funny.
Despite past obstacles I've had in my life this is the most difficult up to now. Life isn't easy. I know that, and right now I am feeling that lesson more and more.
If I seem recluse. Please don’t take offense. It has nothing to do with you. Staying quiet or at home, is my way of not causing damage to my friendships. I try not to talk sometimes, because it depresses me, I can’t imagine what is doing to you. Also right now, there are times where I can't take things for what they are and I can't just shut up. It only causes problems.
It isn't that you aren't the right person to talk to. But, I'm not the same Flutter at this point and time. I'm broken and in the repair shop. Please know that I need my friends right now more than I can say to you and I don't want to lose any one of you because of my malfunctioning body.
What I need: A hug, chocolate, coffee, a drink, a flower, a card, a day with a friend at the movies, ice cream, a shoulder to cry on, an ear, a phone call, a person to read my blog and make comments (email and phone are very cool too), to go shoe shopping, to do non-kid related activities, to keep my mind off of things, etc.
What I say next is going to sound harsh, but I don't need you to fix the situation. I can't fix my problem, the Reproductive Endocrinologist can't fix my problem, the only one that can is God. I've stopped believing that he will do it just because, if it isn't in his plans, it isn't. I need you to help me thru it. To be strong when I am weak. To tell me that I will survive whatever the outcome.
And I will try to remember, when a comment is made that you are just talking. That there is no malice and if you know that it hurts, you will stop. You are trying to help in the only way you can.
Lastly, for my friends who will soon be Moms. What do I ask of you? Don’t hide it from me. Please do tell me, I want to hear of your wonderful adventure. I do ask that you tell me in private, you can tell me in front of T or your husband or our close friends. But don’t tell me in a large group, I beg of you. Please know, that no matter how crazy I feel that day, that I am genuinely happy for you, that I will pray will all my heart that you have a healthy pregnancy and delivery, and ultimately a very healthy and happy little one(s). With all my heart, that I am grateful that you don’t have to go thru this heart break. If my envious emotion comes up, please know that it isn’t that emotion that rules. If I cry know that it is mostly happy tears for you. And lastly, please now that I will love your little one with all of my heart.
I’ve said my peace. Thank you for letting me. And, I hope it is helpful.
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