After filling her in how a Baptism went. That I was so close to saying everything on my mind and that they (my extended family and Mother) would not like it.
Lil' Sis: You've been so angry lately. Why don't you just say what is on your mind?
Me: Because we all ready have you and T. And as you know from Mom's last out burst when I tried to do this that it is not taken very well.
Lil' Sis: Well that isn't your problem. You need to do something. You are just so angry and you need to fix it.
Me: What more do you want me to do? I see a therapist, I've done treatments, I go to yoga. I can't fix this that easily.
Lil' Sis: You know there are loads of children.
Me: Stop, don't say anything else. I'm going to scream - just don't. We have made a decision - we are doing something.
Lil' Sis: But you need to fix this and it doesn't seem like you are happy with your decision.
Me: Silent.
Lil' Sis: Hello? Are you there?
Me: Yes, I'm here.
Lil' Sis: I thought I lost you.
Me: (deep breath in and say it all in an exhale) I get angry so that I'm not sad. (voice is getting heavy with a restricted sob) If I feel sad, all I want to do is cry. So I get angry. We are doing something, we are trying another option - not having kids. It is time that we need for ourselves. I used to say the same G*ddam thing - adopt. But, you know after the year we have had of loss. I want to see a child that looks like me and T - that has our loved ones characteristics. And until that feeling goes away or becomes less important - than adoption is not a right choice for us. I wouldn't be a good mother, and why would I put a child in that situation. I need to get over this before I can even consider that.
Lil' Sis: I'm sorry if I made you upset. I just want to be sure that you have been thinking about all of your options.
Me: I'm just sick of people making stupid comments. For the most part, I don't even dignify their stupid comments with an answer.
Lil' Sis: But, I'm not most people.
Me: Thats why I answered you.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
The Stages of Grief
Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance
I thought I was closer to Acceptance - the final stage, until the last few weeks, when I’ve experienced ANGER.
Anger with both people in my life and others who are in the media. The stupid people with kids who refuse to take responsibility for the child. The friend's husband who is too busy focusing on himself to realize he has my dream of a family. Family who are so wrapped in their own lives. The random comment. But mostly when people comment on their children and how hard life is with those children.
And my anger is making me act out. I feel a need to counter with some uncomfortable truth about infertility.
Examples:
Sister’s SIL comments about how inconvenient it is for her to care for her daughter. I comment on the replacement baby I want in a sports car.
Cousin who just recently had a beautiful baby boy complains about the baby weight she gained. (If you saw her, you’d want to throw-up. She is the size of my pinky.) I respond, yeah that’s difficult. I’ve lost 7 out of 15 pounds I gained from my infertility medications. And I didn’t get a new baby out of it.
Sister shows me a picture of the stone family collection she made in Aruba. She says “It is suppose to bring you good fortune, fertility, wealth, etc.” I slap my forehead and say, “That is what I did wrong.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I usually restrain the anger, but it has been bubbling over. Making me much more blunt about my infertility. And I know that makes others uncomfortable. But to be truthful, I am taking a secret pleasure in making them feel that way. Making them realize how I feel living in a fertile world.
But I do hope this subsides quickly considering I could be alienating myself a tad. Snarky comments are OK, but they need to stay in my head a little bit more. Sadly, I do restrain myself. I haven’t been rude to my co-worker with the 2 beautiful kids who call to talk. No, I stay quiet. Could be why the filter between my brain and my mouth becomes weaker when I don’t necessarily have to behave.
I thought I was closer to Acceptance - the final stage, until the last few weeks, when I’ve experienced ANGER.
Anger with both people in my life and others who are in the media. The stupid people with kids who refuse to take responsibility for the child. The friend's husband who is too busy focusing on himself to realize he has my dream of a family. Family who are so wrapped in their own lives. The random comment. But mostly when people comment on their children and how hard life is with those children.
And my anger is making me act out. I feel a need to counter with some uncomfortable truth about infertility.
Examples:
Sister’s SIL comments about how inconvenient it is for her to care for her daughter. I comment on the replacement baby I want in a sports car.
Cousin who just recently had a beautiful baby boy complains about the baby weight she gained. (If you saw her, you’d want to throw-up. She is the size of my pinky.) I respond, yeah that’s difficult. I’ve lost 7 out of 15 pounds I gained from my infertility medications. And I didn’t get a new baby out of it.
Sister shows me a picture of the stone family collection she made in Aruba. She says “It is suppose to bring you good fortune, fertility, wealth, etc.” I slap my forehead and say, “That is what I did wrong.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I usually restrain the anger, but it has been bubbling over. Making me much more blunt about my infertility. And I know that makes others uncomfortable. But to be truthful, I am taking a secret pleasure in making them feel that way. Making them realize how I feel living in a fertile world.
But I do hope this subsides quickly considering I could be alienating myself a tad. Snarky comments are OK, but they need to stay in my head a little bit more. Sadly, I do restrain myself. I haven’t been rude to my co-worker with the 2 beautiful kids who call to talk. No, I stay quiet. Could be why the filter between my brain and my mouth becomes weaker when I don’t necessarily have to behave.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Two sides to every story.
The First Side - The Sister's Point of View
The wedding was beautiful. The weather was perfect. It was on October 6th in Southern Massachusetts, and it was 85 degrees. Highly unusual. The sun was shiny, and the sky clear. Hardly a leaf on the ground.
The Bride was beautiful, the Groom handsome, the bridal party gorgeous, the parents proud, and the guests content. The ceremony beautifully worded and presided by the Groom’s uncle. The reception was picturesque; the toasts heartfelt; the band melodious; the flowers fragrant; the food delicious.
It was the perfect wedding. My sister’s dream.
The Second Side - The Infertile's Point of View
The Groom’s sister continuously complained about having to take time to prepare her daughter for the wedding. On the way to the church, she did it again. I started talking about the sports car I wanted to replace the baby I can’t have – my replacement baby. At one point, she nearly had a melt down, because she was being bugged by her nieces, nephew and daughter. You mean the kids came to you? I mean they don't know any of us? I don't know why they would come to you, maybe because you are their Aunt and Mom?
The Ceremony was heavily geared towards blessing Michele, Mike, and their future children. Every time the nice priest said the word children, I cringed. “What if?” PCOS is often hereditary. I wondered if that is what we did wrong. We weren’t blessed to have children. Our marriage was blessed. Maybe that is why my brother-in-law’s family has 8 nieces and nephews. We have none. We missed that requirement to having children. And the prayers of the faithful requested G-d to bless the Couple, the sick, the poor, the leaders, families, deceased, and for married couples. All good. When they said, "For all of our other intentions." I prayed for us dealing with infertility.
When someone heard T and I had been married for five years in November, I got asked if we had kids. I said, “No.” And thought to myself, we are infertile. As the night went on, I may have said it out loud. I did tell the cosmetologist who commented on my problem skin that I just started the pill after being on hormone treatments for infertility. I think I may have shocked her.
Oh yeah, I also came out of the infertile closet with my brother-in-law's brother and wife at the rehearsal dinner. Oh well, two glasses of wine and I don't care.
***
Overall, it was a great day. Beautiful in almost everyway. Yes, the infertile elephant followed, but I managed to avoided him 95% of the time. And I did I get my groove on ;).
As soon as my photos come in, I will share - I promise. My sister made a beautiful bride.
The wedding was beautiful. The weather was perfect. It was on October 6th in Southern Massachusetts, and it was 85 degrees. Highly unusual. The sun was shiny, and the sky clear. Hardly a leaf on the ground.
The Bride was beautiful, the Groom handsome, the bridal party gorgeous, the parents proud, and the guests content. The ceremony beautifully worded and presided by the Groom’s uncle. The reception was picturesque; the toasts heartfelt; the band melodious; the flowers fragrant; the food delicious.
It was the perfect wedding. My sister’s dream.
The Second Side - The Infertile's Point of View
The Groom’s sister continuously complained about having to take time to prepare her daughter for the wedding. On the way to the church, she did it again. I started talking about the sports car I wanted to replace the baby I can’t have – my replacement baby. At one point, she nearly had a melt down, because she was being bugged by her nieces, nephew and daughter. You mean the kids came to you? I mean they don't know any of us? I don't know why they would come to you, maybe because you are their Aunt and Mom?
The Ceremony was heavily geared towards blessing Michele, Mike, and their future children. Every time the nice priest said the word children, I cringed. “What if?” PCOS is often hereditary. I wondered if that is what we did wrong. We weren’t blessed to have children. Our marriage was blessed. Maybe that is why my brother-in-law’s family has 8 nieces and nephews. We have none. We missed that requirement to having children. And the prayers of the faithful requested G-d to bless the Couple, the sick, the poor, the leaders, families, deceased, and for married couples. All good. When they said, "For all of our other intentions." I prayed for us dealing with infertility.
When someone heard T and I had been married for five years in November, I got asked if we had kids. I said, “No.” And thought to myself, we are infertile. As the night went on, I may have said it out loud. I did tell the cosmetologist who commented on my problem skin that I just started the pill after being on hormone treatments for infertility. I think I may have shocked her.
Oh yeah, I also came out of the infertile closet with my brother-in-law's brother and wife at the rehearsal dinner. Oh well, two glasses of wine and I don't care.
***
Overall, it was a great day. Beautiful in almost everyway. Yes, the infertile elephant followed, but I managed to avoided him 95% of the time. And I did I get my groove on ;).
As soon as my photos come in, I will share - I promise. My sister made a beautiful bride.
Monday, October 01, 2007
The Infertile Elephant in the Room.
My last post on my state of being is only half true. See, there is an elephant in the room - the infertile elephant.
When I distance myself from it, I feel fine. But, when I look at it closer I see things that have a potential of causing me to unravel.
What I see: Three years wasted. The dream of four children with his eyes. Pain. Lost hope. Desperation. Unforgiveable contempt torwards my body. Knowing T will not be a Dad because of me. Guilty because he did not choose this and is dealing with it because of me. Pregnancy after pregnancy of other people. Pain. Hurt. Left behind. Grief. Guilt because I will never make my mother a Grandmother. Anger because she makes me feel guilty.
Hands. Hands that are my genetic link to my Grandfather and my cousin B. Hands that I connect with people I love. The connection to what was and what will be. That link, I will more than likely never have thru a child.
Knowing that this year is just prolonging the inevitable. Prolonging the fact that I'm not strong enough to go on in this struggle nor strong enough to quit. So, we procrastinate the decision - when in my heart of heart I know what the answer should be. But to face it right now. Is just too hard.
So, instead of looking too closely, I am trying to glimpse at it. Look at it briefly. Focus on everything else. Pretend he is not in the room. Pretend that he doesn't exist.
Denying him power. Getting over it. Questioning and wondering if I have to face him? If ignoring can do the job? And knowing that it won't.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Crying and typing?
So much is going on in my head. I am surprised by how well I am doing. Really. I did have several crying jigs. But after a good talk with T, some retail therapy, and a resolution to myself. Well, I feel OK.
Are there times when I am angry? Hell yeah. And if I am honest, I am angry about so many stupid things. The latest are 1. never being able to take maternity leave and always being the one covering for someone on it, and 2. not having an excuse not to clean out the kitty litter.
But what I am most angry with is how I feel cheated by myself. Everything I’ve done in the last five years has been centered around when/if we have kids. Things from my appearance, to the car I drive, to the job I have. Everything has been based on when/if we have kids. The only thing that hasn’t been affected is our current home. Because well we haven’t had any luck in selling it. So, that may have been a frustrating saving grace.
So I resolved to myself that I would take this year to see what our life would be like sans baby. It will involve keeping what I like about my/our current life and to change the things I don’t. Most importantly, to eliminate “if/when we have a baby” as a guideline for any decisions. Instead thinking, will this make me happy? Will this make T happy? Is this a good decision for the both of us? Not factoring that maybe baby, well I hope it will be liberating. It could also give me an idea of what it means to be a childfree couple.
There is so much that I may have missed on because of this mistake. Things that I will always regret, but most of those things can be remedied.
So the start of my resolution started with the retail therapy. I bought three sweaters, a pair of pants, and shoes. And every time the thought came into my mind that these items will be useless if I became pregnant. I laughed, and thought I am going on the pill!
Sunday I plan to shop for a dress to wear for my sister’s rehearsal dinner. Also, I will be stricter with this diet and adding an extra yoga class. My goal to loose 12 more pounds will be accomplished.
Lastly, we decided to lower our asking price on the house because I overestimated our closing costs by $9k! I feel like it is found money! Woo hoo! And I have no want to spend it on treatments.
Ultimately, what I know now, is that I need this more than I can tell you. To forget about it all. To pretend infertility doesn’t exist nor a possibility of a child. I need to regain thinking about me and my husband first and foremost. I guess I am entering my selfish faze.
Hopefully, in this year, I will feel free of this anguished yearning I feel for a child. I’m sure that I’ll need to dissect that in a short time. But today I don’t feel like crying and typing. Instead, I feel like looking forward to the future, because what was murky is clearing up. And I can see a beautiful horizon of possibility.
Are there times when I am angry? Hell yeah. And if I am honest, I am angry about so many stupid things. The latest are 1. never being able to take maternity leave and always being the one covering for someone on it, and 2. not having an excuse not to clean out the kitty litter.
But what I am most angry with is how I feel cheated by myself. Everything I’ve done in the last five years has been centered around when/if we have kids. Things from my appearance, to the car I drive, to the job I have. Everything has been based on when/if we have kids. The only thing that hasn’t been affected is our current home. Because well we haven’t had any luck in selling it. So, that may have been a frustrating saving grace.
So I resolved to myself that I would take this year to see what our life would be like sans baby. It will involve keeping what I like about my/our current life and to change the things I don’t. Most importantly, to eliminate “if/when we have a baby” as a guideline for any decisions. Instead thinking, will this make me happy? Will this make T happy? Is this a good decision for the both of us? Not factoring that maybe baby, well I hope it will be liberating. It could also give me an idea of what it means to be a childfree couple.
There is so much that I may have missed on because of this mistake. Things that I will always regret, but most of those things can be remedied.
So the start of my resolution started with the retail therapy. I bought three sweaters, a pair of pants, and shoes. And every time the thought came into my mind that these items will be useless if I became pregnant. I laughed, and thought I am going on the pill!
Sunday I plan to shop for a dress to wear for my sister’s rehearsal dinner. Also, I will be stricter with this diet and adding an extra yoga class. My goal to loose 12 more pounds will be accomplished.
Lastly, we decided to lower our asking price on the house because I overestimated our closing costs by $9k! I feel like it is found money! Woo hoo! And I have no want to spend it on treatments.
Ultimately, what I know now, is that I need this more than I can tell you. To forget about it all. To pretend infertility doesn’t exist nor a possibility of a child. I need to regain thinking about me and my husband first and foremost. I guess I am entering my selfish faze.
Hopefully, in this year, I will feel free of this anguished yearning I feel for a child. I’m sure that I’ll need to dissect that in a short time. But today I don’t feel like crying and typing. Instead, I feel like looking forward to the future, because what was murky is clearing up. And I can see a beautiful horizon of possibility.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I wish I could say I wasn't
But I'm angry.
Angry that my Clinic only reaches out to me with this cycle. After I've told them it is our last cycle. When they won't be seeing me any longer or getting any of my money.
Angry at my Mother for making the following statement, "Yeah, your wedding (my sister) is the only thing going on." After my sister was trying to find out if I was OK.
Angry that their are places to mourn children (which there should be), but since I never got pregnant - I don't even have that.
Angry that every single celebrity can get pregnant just like that. Heck, I'm a little angry lately when anyone gets pregnant easily. Especially people who have mistreated their bodies.
Angry when someone cuts in front of me, because in my illogical mind it is symbolic of everyone cutting in front of me of the baby line.
***
On a different note, I am also very lucky. Because I have the best husband ever. He realized that I'm not ready to go forward with anything, but that I'm also not ready to say I'm done. He is OK with either. So, we are taking a break for a year and revisiting it all then.
In the meantime, I'm trying to find out if I can get on birth control so that I can control my anger, weight, and acne. Oh what fun.
But first I need to talk to the clinic. Triggering my anger all over again. Oh what fun.
Angry that my Clinic only reaches out to me with this cycle. After I've told them it is our last cycle. When they won't be seeing me any longer or getting any of my money.
Angry at my Mother for making the following statement, "Yeah, your wedding (my sister) is the only thing going on." After my sister was trying to find out if I was OK.
Angry that their are places to mourn children (which there should be), but since I never got pregnant - I don't even have that.
Angry that every single celebrity can get pregnant just like that. Heck, I'm a little angry lately when anyone gets pregnant easily. Especially people who have mistreated their bodies.
Angry when someone cuts in front of me, because in my illogical mind it is symbolic of everyone cutting in front of me of the baby line.
***
On a different note, I am also very lucky. Because I have the best husband ever. He realized that I'm not ready to go forward with anything, but that I'm also not ready to say I'm done. He is OK with either. So, we are taking a break for a year and revisiting it all then.
In the meantime, I'm trying to find out if I can get on birth control so that I can control my anger, weight, and acne. Oh what fun.
But first I need to talk to the clinic. Triggering my anger all over again. Oh what fun.
Monday, September 24, 2007
I had ...
I had a different post, but Bl*gger ate it.
I had hope.
I had a dream.
I had a want.
That will never be fullfilled.
What I have is gratitude for all of you. Thank you for your words of encouragement and hope. And in advance for your words of sympathy.
I had hope.
I had a dream.
I had a want.
That will never be fullfilled.
What I have is gratitude for all of you. Thank you for your words of encouragement and hope. And in advance for your words of sympathy.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
I'm fine.
Oh yeah, I know where I am now. I don't have to lie.
First thank you all for your words of condolences. My grandfather was indeed a special person. And he taught me to laugh and love, amongst many other things. I will miss him very much.
I flew out to California on Saturday with my parents, all of my aunts and uncles, four cousins, my sister, and six week greatgrandchild. My Aunt and Step-Grandmother were all ready there. We got to see all of his friends of the last 21 years. (We all had visited but I am sure no one completely truly appreciated that he had made another life for himself.) The ceremony was beautiful. Although my heart was heavy, I felt at peace that he indeed was no longer in any pain.
***
The only thing that I wish didn't happen, where all the freaking comments. It made it that much harder for me. To listen to all of the questions of when it would be our turn. By the end, I told one person flat out that like her daughter, "I can't have children very easily". With another person, I told him "when the medical community figures out what is wrong with me." And with my newly grandfathered uncle, I told "I've been visiting many a doctor on that topic."
I am just so EXHAUSTED. It was bitter sweet having that beautiful boy there and I know that all of my other family took comfort in it. When his grandmother said, "We waited a long time." I nearly screamed. Really, a year is a long time!
Or when the new mom kept on talking about her birth, her new inability to fit in to pants because her hips have moved, etc. Oh yeah, how about the woman who's daughter just got pregnant and is due in February. How my cousin will be starting to try. I walked away a lot. Did you know that my grandfather, had peach trees, I got to see them while they chatted away. I just couldn't take that conversation, it was just too much to bare - to hear all the things I'll never get to talk about.
Sadly, the little one liked me. We hung out more than I probably should have. Because there were moments that all I wanted was to cry. Yet, I couldn't because I was hardly in a safe place.
Oh yeah, and this cycle had to be cancelled. All of my monitoring would of happened this past weekend. I still haven't ovulated, so I'll probably have my period next year.
Don't get me wrong please, I'm glad that I got to say to goodbye to my Grandfather. I just wish, that something could go right or that I could walk away from my body for a while. I am just so sick and tired of this crap. I need it to be over.
And I don't feel like I can say that to anyone, because I am the strong one. The one who is suppose to be there for everyone else. But, all I want is someone to hug me and tell me that it SUCKS. That it is OK to cry. To let it out. And that they love me no matter what. I am just so sad.
I despise my physical body. I feel fat, and it sure as hell didn't help to hear three women constantly complain about their bodies. When my aunt asked me if I was unhappy with my body. I said yes, but that I can't go on a diet until all this is over.
Maybe the good thing is that they may understand that I have a heavy heart. But I am sure they won't be saying anything, we all are just too wrapped up in their own shit to care.
I desperately want some support, and I feel so completely alone. I'm in this by myself. More often than not, I cry by myself. To avoid my husband from seeing. I know that this is too much for him as well. I no longer want to impose on him. But, isolating myself, is only making me feel well isolated.
Infertility blows.
First thank you all for your words of condolences. My grandfather was indeed a special person. And he taught me to laugh and love, amongst many other things. I will miss him very much.
I flew out to California on Saturday with my parents, all of my aunts and uncles, four cousins, my sister, and six week greatgrandchild. My Aunt and Step-Grandmother were all ready there. We got to see all of his friends of the last 21 years. (We all had visited but I am sure no one completely truly appreciated that he had made another life for himself.) The ceremony was beautiful. Although my heart was heavy, I felt at peace that he indeed was no longer in any pain.
***
The only thing that I wish didn't happen, where all the freaking comments. It made it that much harder for me. To listen to all of the questions of when it would be our turn. By the end, I told one person flat out that like her daughter, "I can't have children very easily". With another person, I told him "when the medical community figures out what is wrong with me." And with my newly grandfathered uncle, I told "I've been visiting many a doctor on that topic."
I am just so EXHAUSTED. It was bitter sweet having that beautiful boy there and I know that all of my other family took comfort in it. When his grandmother said, "We waited a long time." I nearly screamed. Really, a year is a long time!
Or when the new mom kept on talking about her birth, her new inability to fit in to pants because her hips have moved, etc. Oh yeah, how about the woman who's daughter just got pregnant and is due in February. How my cousin will be starting to try. I walked away a lot. Did you know that my grandfather, had peach trees, I got to see them while they chatted away. I just couldn't take that conversation, it was just too much to bare - to hear all the things I'll never get to talk about.
Sadly, the little one liked me. We hung out more than I probably should have. Because there were moments that all I wanted was to cry. Yet, I couldn't because I was hardly in a safe place.
Oh yeah, and this cycle had to be cancelled. All of my monitoring would of happened this past weekend. I still haven't ovulated, so I'll probably have my period next year.
Don't get me wrong please, I'm glad that I got to say to goodbye to my Grandfather. I just wish, that something could go right or that I could walk away from my body for a while. I am just so sick and tired of this crap. I need it to be over.
And I don't feel like I can say that to anyone, because I am the strong one. The one who is suppose to be there for everyone else. But, all I want is someone to hug me and tell me that it SUCKS. That it is OK to cry. To let it out. And that they love me no matter what. I am just so sad.
I despise my physical body. I feel fat, and it sure as hell didn't help to hear three women constantly complain about their bodies. When my aunt asked me if I was unhappy with my body. I said yes, but that I can't go on a diet until all this is over.
Maybe the good thing is that they may understand that I have a heavy heart. But I am sure they won't be saying anything, we all are just too wrapped up in their own shit to care.
I desperately want some support, and I feel so completely alone. I'm in this by myself. More often than not, I cry by myself. To avoid my husband from seeing. I know that this is too much for him as well. I no longer want to impose on him. But, isolating myself, is only making me feel well isolated.
Infertility blows.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Swaying Back to My Reality
Do you know in a week, it will be my one year anniversary of blogging? Yes in one week. I'm amazed. Mostly because this year has had so many changes - which this cruise allowed me to completely think of - and gain some additional peace.
You may be asking how did you have such an elightened experience on a cruise?
Well, it was a great week. Despite the fact that T got a second degree sunburn on our second day. Because of that I was left to my own devices for a few days. But, what I found is that - for me - it is easier to pretend that fertility or infertility is not an issue. And that if I forget that one portion of my life, I am happy. WOW!
I can find things to do with my time that I enjoy. Read a book and get lost in the plot and characters. Go to yoga. Enjoy the sun with sunblock. Drink a fruity drink or relish my wine.
I can completely surrender to not having children. To accept us as a couple family.
The only thing that was reinforced this cruise is that I would be lonely at points. On the flip side it was also reinforced that if I make friends that loneliness will be minimal. Not to mention that having a child to counter loneliness isn't the wisest decision or reasoning.
I will post soon with photos of our travels. Because of the burn and the fact that I didn't feel comfortable getting off the boat by myself they are mostly of St. Martin and St. Thomas - which were both BEAUTIFUL! (Actually, I went online to price vacation to St. Thomas. It is on the short list of must get to that island and stay for a while.)
And no worries, we aren't getting off this road just yet. Remember we have our three injectible IUIs. Funniest part is that AF showed on Sunday our last day. She was trying to behave. My baseline was today, Gonal-f injections start tonight at the lowest dosage, and bloodwork on Sunday.
But, the cruise left me with the feeling that we will be OK. And in a weird way, I think our consoliation prize life which will come after giving the infertility road will be nice - to say the least. And it is food for thought.
Oh if you were wondering about the title. I still am swaying. For some reason, for me, motion issues are worse when I return to land. Maybe it means I need to stay on the boat longer :).
You may be asking how did you have such an elightened experience on a cruise?
Well, it was a great week. Despite the fact that T got a second degree sunburn on our second day. Because of that I was left to my own devices for a few days. But, what I found is that - for me - it is easier to pretend that fertility or infertility is not an issue. And that if I forget that one portion of my life, I am happy. WOW!
I can find things to do with my time that I enjoy. Read a book and get lost in the plot and characters. Go to yoga. Enjoy the sun with sunblock. Drink a fruity drink or relish my wine.
I can completely surrender to not having children. To accept us as a couple family.
The only thing that was reinforced this cruise is that I would be lonely at points. On the flip side it was also reinforced that if I make friends that loneliness will be minimal. Not to mention that having a child to counter loneliness isn't the wisest decision or reasoning.
I will post soon with photos of our travels. Because of the burn and the fact that I didn't feel comfortable getting off the boat by myself they are mostly of St. Martin and St. Thomas - which were both BEAUTIFUL! (Actually, I went online to price vacation to St. Thomas. It is on the short list of must get to that island and stay for a while.)
And no worries, we aren't getting off this road just yet. Remember we have our three injectible IUIs. Funniest part is that AF showed on Sunday our last day. She was trying to behave. My baseline was today, Gonal-f injections start tonight at the lowest dosage, and bloodwork on Sunday.
But, the cruise left me with the feeling that we will be OK. And in a weird way, I think our consoliation prize life which will come after giving the infertility road will be nice - to say the least. And it is food for thought.
Oh if you were wondering about the title. I still am swaying. For some reason, for me, motion issues are worse when I return to land. Maybe it means I need to stay on the boat longer :).
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Hi Aunt Flo
Spotting this morning. Oh well. Hoping that the insurance approval is in before she comes for real, so that we don't need to wait two whole cycles to do IUI #2 with G*nal-f.
Mental Notes:
Nausea is possible without a pregnancy during the Luteal Phase. (Clomid/HCG - DPI9)
Luteal Phase is longer with the HCG shot - approximately 17 days.
Infertility SUCKS.
Mental Notes:
Nausea is possible without a pregnancy during the Luteal Phase. (Clomid/HCG - DPI9)
Luteal Phase is longer with the HCG shot - approximately 17 days.
Infertility SUCKS.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Can't sleep.
Too anxious with anticipation.
Tomorrow I can test and still no real signs of Aunt Flo. I am full on optimisitic and hopeful Dianne. Very dangerous. It is DPI 13.
I am also excited because a friend of a friend of my sister's may have helped us out tremendously with selling our condo. Turns out this kid (young twenty-something) is looking for a two bedroom in our town. Literally, got the call about his interest yesterday, and he came over not ten minutes later! He seemed very interested and we are very keen on selling the condo especially without a realtor! Lets say this together, WOW! Praying it works out.
***
It is almost 6:00 am, my poor boy kiddy is constipated. And per the internet, I should try half a can of wet food. Lets hope that fixes my poor Sam. He is my sweety. (Everything can't be perfect!) LOL!
Tomorrow I can test and still no real signs of Aunt Flo. I am full on optimisitic and hopeful Dianne. Very dangerous. It is DPI 13.
I am also excited because a friend of a friend of my sister's may have helped us out tremendously with selling our condo. Turns out this kid (young twenty-something) is looking for a two bedroom in our town. Literally, got the call about his interest yesterday, and he came over not ten minutes later! He seemed very interested and we are very keen on selling the condo especially without a realtor! Lets say this together, WOW! Praying it works out.
***
It is almost 6:00 am, my poor boy kiddy is constipated. And per the internet, I should try half a can of wet food. Lets hope that fixes my poor Sam. He is my sweety. (Everything can't be perfect!) LOL!
Friday, April 06, 2007
Easter
It used to be about enjoying a spiritual occasion and good food; seeing friends and family. Instead, now it has turned to another holiday that I sometimes would rather avoid.
Usually, it would be a bigger festivity. It would have consisted of mass, dinner with my mother-in-law, T’s step-father, my parents, my sister and fiancé, an aunt, her boyfriend, and son. After the enormous dinner with too much desert, we would go to visit former church friends. (Now we are just friends.) People that we don’t see often, but love to see when we can.
But, this year, Easter will be quiet. It will consist of dinner with only my husband, my mom and dad, no mass and no visiting of church friends.
Dinner will be quiet because my mom didn’t feel like throwing a big event. And I can’t blame her. My mother-in-law and T’s step-father were invited, but they declined. So my mom took the opportunity to make it just for us. My sister and fiancé will be joining the festivities later in the evening.
And I declined on the visit with church friends. I said it was because of being at work super early the next day, which is completely true. I plan on being at work on Monday at 8:00 am, since I need to leave work before 11:00 am to go to an RE appointment, and hopefully returning to work by 2:00 pm to finish the day. But there was more of a reason that I didn’t want to go.
See, these friends don’t know of our infertility struggles. While they are extremely sweet, caring, compassionate people, I feel pulled as to whether or not to share. Why? Well, I am not ashamed of it. But, I don’t want to open Pandora’s Box either. See these friends are VERY Catholic. And while I know that they believe we should procreate – this is the same friend that told me that there is only one reason to get married and that is to have children – I don’t know if I would have to explain myself about ART. Because as we know, ART is a sensitive topic for Catholics since the Church has strict guidelines on what they determine to be acceptable procedures.
You may be wondering why this would be more of an issue this year than prior years? The reason is that the hosts are very proud grandparents of two beautiful boys. And my best friend S, who will be in attendance, is six months pregnant. (We were both married in the same year – 2002.) Now, I love to see those beautiful boys, and I am very happy for S. But, I don’t want that question to be directed at me. Especially since I don’t know if I should deflect it with sarcasm or provide an honest answer “sometimes it isn’t up to us, but to God.”
And I am reminded that I am 50/50 in the closet about our infertility. The people that know and ask about it; know everything there is to know. The people who don’t know; know nothing. Anyone who has guessed, I come clean with. Others who don’t bring it up with me, and I know that they know because my mother has an enormous mouth, I don’t bring up with them. (Mostly my mother’s family which only increases the rift between us, because they won’t talk to me about the most difficult thing that I’ve ever experienced in my life.)
All of this makes my head hurt. I wonder if it would be best for everyone to know. To be open. To gain support from real life people. To ask for their prayers. But, it is pride that makes me keep it a secret with the majority of people. I don’t want pity; I want empathy. And I can’t control how people react to my infertility, I can only control how I react to it.
Instead, I avoid these situations, so that I don’t have to make a decision. So, that I can put it off a little while longer. Yet, I know that I will need to make these decisions soon. Since, I assume they will be at S’s baby shower in May. I refuse to miss it. Due to the event, it will be a baby conversation day. But, I also know and somewhat comforted, that I will probably be too preoccupied with what is coming out of my mom’s mouth to actually socialize with anyone. I have the knowledge that my mother may have outted me to these very same people and I am fretting all for nothing.
The funniest part of this all is that I have decided that regardless of who asks about our maybe babies that I will be honest with them. Also, if we are ever blessed with a baby or two, that I will be honest that we used ART to conceive. I don’t feel ashamed about it. I will feel like we got lucky using every means necessary.
All of this makes me feel like a huge contradiction and there is a very good reason I see a counselor. Err…my head really hurts.
Usually, it would be a bigger festivity. It would have consisted of mass, dinner with my mother-in-law, T’s step-father, my parents, my sister and fiancé, an aunt, her boyfriend, and son. After the enormous dinner with too much desert, we would go to visit former church friends. (Now we are just friends.) People that we don’t see often, but love to see when we can.
But, this year, Easter will be quiet. It will consist of dinner with only my husband, my mom and dad, no mass and no visiting of church friends.
Dinner will be quiet because my mom didn’t feel like throwing a big event. And I can’t blame her. My mother-in-law and T’s step-father were invited, but they declined. So my mom took the opportunity to make it just for us. My sister and fiancé will be joining the festivities later in the evening.
And I declined on the visit with church friends. I said it was because of being at work super early the next day, which is completely true. I plan on being at work on Monday at 8:00 am, since I need to leave work before 11:00 am to go to an RE appointment, and hopefully returning to work by 2:00 pm to finish the day. But there was more of a reason that I didn’t want to go.
See, these friends don’t know of our infertility struggles. While they are extremely sweet, caring, compassionate people, I feel pulled as to whether or not to share. Why? Well, I am not ashamed of it. But, I don’t want to open Pandora’s Box either. See these friends are VERY Catholic. And while I know that they believe we should procreate – this is the same friend that told me that there is only one reason to get married and that is to have children – I don’t know if I would have to explain myself about ART. Because as we know, ART is a sensitive topic for Catholics since the Church has strict guidelines on what they determine to be acceptable procedures.
You may be wondering why this would be more of an issue this year than prior years? The reason is that the hosts are very proud grandparents of two beautiful boys. And my best friend S, who will be in attendance, is six months pregnant. (We were both married in the same year – 2002.) Now, I love to see those beautiful boys, and I am very happy for S. But, I don’t want that question to be directed at me. Especially since I don’t know if I should deflect it with sarcasm or provide an honest answer “sometimes it isn’t up to us, but to God.”
And I am reminded that I am 50/50 in the closet about our infertility. The people that know and ask about it; know everything there is to know. The people who don’t know; know nothing. Anyone who has guessed, I come clean with. Others who don’t bring it up with me, and I know that they know because my mother has an enormous mouth, I don’t bring up with them. (Mostly my mother’s family which only increases the rift between us, because they won’t talk to me about the most difficult thing that I’ve ever experienced in my life.)
All of this makes my head hurt. I wonder if it would be best for everyone to know. To be open. To gain support from real life people. To ask for their prayers. But, it is pride that makes me keep it a secret with the majority of people. I don’t want pity; I want empathy. And I can’t control how people react to my infertility, I can only control how I react to it.
Instead, I avoid these situations, so that I don’t have to make a decision. So, that I can put it off a little while longer. Yet, I know that I will need to make these decisions soon. Since, I assume they will be at S’s baby shower in May. I refuse to miss it. Due to the event, it will be a baby conversation day. But, I also know and somewhat comforted, that I will probably be too preoccupied with what is coming out of my mom’s mouth to actually socialize with anyone. I have the knowledge that my mother may have outted me to these very same people and I am fretting all for nothing.
The funniest part of this all is that I have decided that regardless of who asks about our maybe babies that I will be honest with them. Also, if we are ever blessed with a baby or two, that I will be honest that we used ART to conceive. I don’t feel ashamed about it. I will feel like we got lucky using every means necessary.
All of this makes me feel like a huge contradiction and there is a very good reason I see a counselor. Err…my head really hurts.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
My Pensieve
It is what my blog is turning into. A pensieve in which I hold life events and thoughts that may potentially consume me.
The latest three:
***
The future is no longer bright and sunny with endless possibilities to me. It is now, ominous and terrifying with limitations.
***
While out with my mother yesterday, I noticed that she too see all the babies and pregnant ladies of the world. Unfortunately she can’t get over her own sadness about the situation so that she can talk to me about it. Instead of her trying to empathize, she can only think about how it is effecting her which causes her to say and do inconsiderate things to me. And as time goes by, the rift in our relationship deepens.
***
My friend G last night told me that she saw my mother at a store. G was with her two children and her own mother. My mother proceeds to tell G and her mother, “No babies yet.” My mother has no idea whether or not G knows.
G and I were very close at one point, but life has gotten in the way and we don’t see each other all that often. So basically, my mother is outing me with people. So much for me keeping control of my circle of knowing.
***
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Petrified by an insurance application.
Today, while I sat in my car and replayed (in my head) my telephone conversation with my sister, I realized that I am not just a little scared. I am petrified.
And this realization is only confirmed by having the insurance application on my dinning room table for several weeks. It remains in the sealed package it came in. I have been avoiding that package for its double meaning.
It means that once we are approved, we will HAVE to start our next step. And right now, it doesn’t just feel like a step. It feels like a huge canyon that I need to find a way around. The canyon created by my enormous fear of failure. My fear of failed cycles is only reinforced by my experience of failure in the last two years and five months. The only success has been to make the darn thing ovulate, what it is intended to do. Other than that, not one maybe baby. None.
Only hurt. Pain. Disappointment. Discouragement.
And I am scared of more failure, more pain, more disappointment and more discouragement. I am petrified of how destroyed I will be if the IUIs fail. If the G-IFT fails. If this long journey was all for nothing and all I will be left with is my worthless reproductive system.
The end point only intensifies my distress over doing procedures. It adds to my fear. Because each procedure will be one more step to the end of this road. It will be final and each procedure represents one step closer to that end. It scares me, how much those failed cycles will hurt.
(Yes, I know that they very well could work. But, the odds are still against us and this is what I need to remember to survive those possible failed cycles.)
And it doesn’t help that my parents BELIEVE that the IUI will work. Not a little belief, but full fledge they are going to be very disappointed belief. They don’t know how it feels to be that disappointed. I don’t want to be the cause for that disappointment; for that heart break.
All of this adds to my deep want to escape infertility. To avoid it all. To not think about us getting pregnant. To hide.
Anything, but to face what has become my reality - the insurance application.
The last part of the conversation – Dianne you are strong, and you will get thru this.
What I wanted to reply, “I don’t feel strong. I need someone to hold my hand. To help me sit down and face that application, because right now all I feel is petrified.”
And this realization is only confirmed by having the insurance application on my dinning room table for several weeks. It remains in the sealed package it came in. I have been avoiding that package for its double meaning.
It means that once we are approved, we will HAVE to start our next step. And right now, it doesn’t just feel like a step. It feels like a huge canyon that I need to find a way around. The canyon created by my enormous fear of failure. My fear of failed cycles is only reinforced by my experience of failure in the last two years and five months. The only success has been to make the darn thing ovulate, what it is intended to do. Other than that, not one maybe baby. None.
Only hurt. Pain. Disappointment. Discouragement.
And I am scared of more failure, more pain, more disappointment and more discouragement. I am petrified of how destroyed I will be if the IUIs fail. If the G-IFT fails. If this long journey was all for nothing and all I will be left with is my worthless reproductive system.
The end point only intensifies my distress over doing procedures. It adds to my fear. Because each procedure will be one more step to the end of this road. It will be final and each procedure represents one step closer to that end. It scares me, how much those failed cycles will hurt.
(Yes, I know that they very well could work. But, the odds are still against us and this is what I need to remember to survive those possible failed cycles.)
And it doesn’t help that my parents BELIEVE that the IUI will work. Not a little belief, but full fledge they are going to be very disappointed belief. They don’t know how it feels to be that disappointed. I don’t want to be the cause for that disappointment; for that heart break.
All of this adds to my deep want to escape infertility. To avoid it all. To not think about us getting pregnant. To hide.
Anything, but to face what has become my reality - the insurance application.
The last part of the conversation – Dianne you are strong, and you will get thru this.
What I wanted to reply, “I don’t feel strong. I need someone to hold my hand. To help me sit down and face that application, because right now all I feel is petrified.”
Monday, February 19, 2007
Insecure, Unaccepted, and Unworthy.
Yesterday, my T and I went to a family party. It wasn’t a typical party, one in honor of my deceased cousin’s birthday. So, I felt an absolute need to be present.
Since December, I have completely avoided all of my maternal family parties. Mostly because, only way I can describe it, my girl cousins make me feel like I am in high school again – insecure, unaccepted and unworthy.
These feelings aren’t new. If I am realistic, they have always made me feel sub-par. I don’t wear designer jeans, own a house, or carry a Gucci purse. I wear JCrew jeans, own a condo, and carry a wide variety of cute purses but nothing too expensive. And when I am not in there presence, I feel mostly secure, accepted, and a worthy individual.
All of our conversations are superficial. I try to ask about there lives, at least the parts I know about, to find out how they really are. But, they never return the questions. They don’t want to know.
I feel like I am taboo.
Infertility has made it worse. It reinforces the feeling that I am being left behind with everyone I have grown up with. (All of the women in my lives, which I grew up with are either entering into motherhood or are mothers.) And I feel alienated from them. For the most part, this isn’t caused by anything they do, it is my own insecurity coming out.
It gets me to question, why would they want to remain friends with me. Since, you are friends with people that you have things in common with, and soon enough the largest part of their lives; I won’t be able to commiserate with, because I won’t have that in common with them.
My friends are limited. This really never bothered me before this last year. I have only a few very good friends. Unfortunately, the majority don’t live anywhere near me; only one lives within driving distance. I feel even more isolated. And in jeopardy of being even more lonely, since if I loose one more friend to infertility than I will only have two, etc. The loneliness I feel is increasing as we speak.
I have acquaintances, but I don’t see them regularly and they either work 70 hours a week or have families of their own. Although, I like them, and I think we could be very good friends. These circumstances make me feel less inclined to call them; because I know they are busy.
Work, I love my job for the content and excellent boss I have. But, it isn’t a very social group. No one around my age or able to go to lunch with (they are all part time). And it only increases my loneliness.
So, I’ve tried to do more activities on my own after work. Partly because I like the activities, but also I have a desire to make more friends. Granted, I have only started to do this recently, but I haven’t met one person besides the Yoga teacher or counselor. They are paid to hang out with me.
Maybe it isn’t my cousins, maybe it is me. And maybe they just remind me how worthless I feel. And the majority of the time, I can ignore it.
Since December, I have completely avoided all of my maternal family parties. Mostly because, only way I can describe it, my girl cousins make me feel like I am in high school again – insecure, unaccepted and unworthy.
These feelings aren’t new. If I am realistic, they have always made me feel sub-par. I don’t wear designer jeans, own a house, or carry a Gucci purse. I wear JCrew jeans, own a condo, and carry a wide variety of cute purses but nothing too expensive. And when I am not in there presence, I feel mostly secure, accepted, and a worthy individual.
All of our conversations are superficial. I try to ask about there lives, at least the parts I know about, to find out how they really are. But, they never return the questions. They don’t want to know.
I feel like I am taboo.
Infertility has made it worse. It reinforces the feeling that I am being left behind with everyone I have grown up with. (All of the women in my lives, which I grew up with are either entering into motherhood or are mothers.) And I feel alienated from them. For the most part, this isn’t caused by anything they do, it is my own insecurity coming out.
It gets me to question, why would they want to remain friends with me. Since, you are friends with people that you have things in common with, and soon enough the largest part of their lives; I won’t be able to commiserate with, because I won’t have that in common with them.
My friends are limited. This really never bothered me before this last year. I have only a few very good friends. Unfortunately, the majority don’t live anywhere near me; only one lives within driving distance. I feel even more isolated. And in jeopardy of being even more lonely, since if I loose one more friend to infertility than I will only have two, etc. The loneliness I feel is increasing as we speak.
I have acquaintances, but I don’t see them regularly and they either work 70 hours a week or have families of their own. Although, I like them, and I think we could be very good friends. These circumstances make me feel less inclined to call them; because I know they are busy.
Work, I love my job for the content and excellent boss I have. But, it isn’t a very social group. No one around my age or able to go to lunch with (they are all part time). And it only increases my loneliness.
So, I’ve tried to do more activities on my own after work. Partly because I like the activities, but also I have a desire to make more friends. Granted, I have only started to do this recently, but I haven’t met one person besides the Yoga teacher or counselor. They are paid to hang out with me.
Maybe it isn’t my cousins, maybe it is me. And maybe they just remind me how worthless I feel. And the majority of the time, I can ignore it.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Counselor, procedures, and friends, oh my!
In November, when I first talked to my counselor – lets call her Saint – I told her that I was on a break until February. But, I was mulling over the idea of waiting out all the pending babies of 2007.
She quickly asked me why. I told her, “Well because when I am actively cycling using procedures, I get more emotional and I am afraid to go thru those emotions at same time as the events that go along with those births.”
Saint said, “If you start to do that now, you’ll never start any procedures. I will help you get thru those emotions.”
And I can’t help but agree. But, I am still fearful of the procedures and what it will do to me and my friends.
Luckily, I ran across this entry
by Tertia at So Close and I was given a voice to my thoughts. It is an entry about how to be a friend to an infertile.
(Yes, I know I’ve written a similar entry. But, this is from someone who has survived the infertility journey – jumped over the chasm and landed with twins! When I wrote my post it was written from the newly infertile point of view. I was starting to enter the middle portion of my journey, but I still was new at infertility.)
The following words Tertia uses, spoke volumes to me:
“5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.”
This is what I originally left out. Such an important part. Ask me, and I will tell you. But, most importantly accept it when I am having a good day. I still need and want to be your friend too. I want to be able to celebrate your blessings. I want to be able to go to the maternity store with you, the baby store, etc. I want to be able to see you experience mother hood. Because what you are experiencing is life changing. And, I want to be there for you. Seeing you going thru it all, because that is what friends do.
I know that I won’t always be able to go to those places or do those things. There are times (even when I am not going thru procedures) that I am not emotionally strong enough to do those things. But my good days (at least for right now) out weigh my bad days. And when I say, “Lets go.” Take me up on the good day, because I want to desperately share in your joy as much as possible. Since that is what friends do, they share in your life.
And it will help me feel like I may have won a battle against infertility – I’ll be reminded that my whole is stronger than my malfunctioning useless reproductive system. Enforcing, I will survive.
She quickly asked me why. I told her, “Well because when I am actively cycling using procedures, I get more emotional and I am afraid to go thru those emotions at same time as the events that go along with those births.”
Saint said, “If you start to do that now, you’ll never start any procedures. I will help you get thru those emotions.”
And I can’t help but agree. But, I am still fearful of the procedures and what it will do to me and my friends.
Luckily, I ran across this entry
by Tertia at So Close and I was given a voice to my thoughts. It is an entry about how to be a friend to an infertile.
(Yes, I know I’ve written a similar entry. But, this is from someone who has survived the infertility journey – jumped over the chasm and landed with twins! When I wrote my post it was written from the newly infertile point of view. I was starting to enter the middle portion of my journey, but I still was new at infertility.)
The following words Tertia uses, spoke volumes to me:
“5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.”
This is what I originally left out. Such an important part. Ask me, and I will tell you. But, most importantly accept it when I am having a good day. I still need and want to be your friend too. I want to be able to celebrate your blessings. I want to be able to go to the maternity store with you, the baby store, etc. I want to be able to see you experience mother hood. Because what you are experiencing is life changing. And, I want to be there for you. Seeing you going thru it all, because that is what friends do.
I know that I won’t always be able to go to those places or do those things. There are times (even when I am not going thru procedures) that I am not emotionally strong enough to do those things. But my good days (at least for right now) out weigh my bad days. And when I say, “Lets go.” Take me up on the good day, because I want to desperately share in your joy as much as possible. Since that is what friends do, they share in your life.
And it will help me feel like I may have won a battle against infertility – I’ll be reminded that my whole is stronger than my malfunctioning useless reproductive system. Enforcing, I will survive.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Sisterhood
Mel at SQ and SJ directed my attention to Seed Disperal Mechanisms. In it the author talks about wanting a sister in the trenches. I went right over to read the entry, and started to reply and realized I had so much to say, so I came here instead.
Infertility is lonely. It is for me. And I know a load of people who have gone thru one type of treatment or another. But, I know of five people who have gone thru clomid, IVF, IUIs, GIFT, etc. When I say "thru it" I mean they have either succeeded in having a child or they have gone off the road and decided to live child free.
Some of these people, I am close to and they have gotten me thru some dark times. But, they are all done with it. They are no longer living the every day effects of infertility. Most remember the up and downs, they remember the desperation and yearning for that recluse child and sometimes they experience those feelings again. However, for the most part they aren't going thru it right now.
Then I have an aquintance (a potential sister in the trenches) who is infertile, but doesn't recognize it. M is a intelligent woman, but she denies that she is infertile. Why do I believe she is? She has had four miscarriages in two years. The last three miscarriages were all late term (four, four, and five months). She knows there is a problem and has gone thru testing. Despite it all she doesn't consider herself infertile.
How do I know? Well, a few months ago her sister-in-law was having a baby shower. And I was invited since I am also an acquintance of hers as well. M's number was the RSVP. At this time, I had just started to blog and read blogs. At the time, Mel wrote about a blood disorder that I thought might be useful for M to read up on. I told her about it and she flat out refused to read it. I thought, OK maybe blogs aren't her thing. She was in a particular chatty mood and we started to talk. We talked about how badly we wanted a child, and how much it sucked, etc. What testing we were doing. But, when I said "It really sucks to be infertile." She said, "It must."
I didn't push the topic. How could she not consider herself infertile?
Before this conversation, I thought that we could be sisters in the trenches. She and I are both going thru infertility. But, she nixed that idea, because she didn't consider herself infertile. She could get pregnant. She didn't have infertility. (It still shocks me.) As I sit here, I wonder if it was denial or fearing the stigma of the title. It was the way she said it. Yeah, it really sucks to have your problem. She didn't want it. Heck, I don't want it. But sweetie, you have it. (If only my outside voice would speak up sometimes.)
And how sad that her denial is causing her to be alone. She has no one to comisserate with. But, shutting out the idea of reading blogs, she isolates herself even more.
My real life friends are great. They are kind, compassionate, concerned, and there for me.
But, the boards (talking to you Vent girls) and blogs; well, they have made me feel less alone. And for that I will be forever grateful to you all. Because knowing that I'm not alone, well it has helped. Because the cyber world has introduced me to my sisters/brothers in the trenches and it has made it easier. So, thank you.
Infertility is lonely. It is for me. And I know a load of people who have gone thru one type of treatment or another. But, I know of five people who have gone thru clomid, IVF, IUIs, GIFT, etc. When I say "thru it" I mean they have either succeeded in having a child or they have gone off the road and decided to live child free.
Some of these people, I am close to and they have gotten me thru some dark times. But, they are all done with it. They are no longer living the every day effects of infertility. Most remember the up and downs, they remember the desperation and yearning for that recluse child and sometimes they experience those feelings again. However, for the most part they aren't going thru it right now.
Then I have an aquintance (a potential sister in the trenches) who is infertile, but doesn't recognize it. M is a intelligent woman, but she denies that she is infertile. Why do I believe she is? She has had four miscarriages in two years. The last three miscarriages were all late term (four, four, and five months). She knows there is a problem and has gone thru testing. Despite it all she doesn't consider herself infertile.
How do I know? Well, a few months ago her sister-in-law was having a baby shower. And I was invited since I am also an acquintance of hers as well. M's number was the RSVP. At this time, I had just started to blog and read blogs. At the time, Mel wrote about a blood disorder that I thought might be useful for M to read up on. I told her about it and she flat out refused to read it. I thought, OK maybe blogs aren't her thing. She was in a particular chatty mood and we started to talk. We talked about how badly we wanted a child, and how much it sucked, etc. What testing we were doing. But, when I said "It really sucks to be infertile." She said, "It must."
I didn't push the topic. How could she not consider herself infertile?
Before this conversation, I thought that we could be sisters in the trenches. She and I are both going thru infertility. But, she nixed that idea, because she didn't consider herself infertile. She could get pregnant. She didn't have infertility. (It still shocks me.) As I sit here, I wonder if it was denial or fearing the stigma of the title. It was the way she said it. Yeah, it really sucks to have your problem. She didn't want it. Heck, I don't want it. But sweetie, you have it. (If only my outside voice would speak up sometimes.)
And how sad that her denial is causing her to be alone. She has no one to comisserate with. But, shutting out the idea of reading blogs, she isolates herself even more.
My real life friends are great. They are kind, compassionate, concerned, and there for me.
But, the boards (talking to you Vent girls) and blogs; well, they have made me feel less alone. And for that I will be forever grateful to you all. Because knowing that I'm not alone, well it has helped. Because the cyber world has introduced me to my sisters/brothers in the trenches and it has made it easier. So, thank you.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Cautious Optimism
As I continue my preparation for our next step in infertility treatments. I am trying to arm myself.
The last few months have been productive, despite some turbulent moments. I survived the holidays. I learned my limitations: with people, with myself, and with the pursuit for baby. I learned about the wonderful world of therapy; to practice a relaxation technique and be in a moment for a while. I’ve enrolled in a yoga class. (I start Monday and I am so excited.)
But, it has also led me to cautious optimism. Seems like a harmless phrase; something easily accomplished and understood. Many people discuss it in relation to infertility. But my logical part asks, “What does it mean and how do I practice cautious optimism?”
Honestly, it seems like you need to practice it if you want to survive. To avoid all the roller-a-coaster action and utter disappointment that is infertility. Why is it then I cannot find a “how to” book, a definition, concept discussion online, etc.
So, I asked people in my reality:
T’s answer, “You look at your wanted result, with caution. You know that there are many outcomes and are satisfied with any of them and if the ultimate outcome results you are ecstatic, but it isn’t the end all.”
Great theory honey, and I am working on being equally happy with other resolutions. But I believe that would mean I would be equally happy with being childfree. While the idea has grown on me considerable, maybe that it might just be the outcome, I’m just not there yet. Therefore using your definition, I’m screwed. So, I must chug along.
A colleague brought up the topic dealing with work. I asked him what it meant. He said, “If it is raining, there is a 100% chance of rain. If it isn’t raining, then it isn’t raining.”
He admits that he is a pessimist and I have to agree. No optimism in this one.
My therapist suggested not thinking about the wanted end result. To concentrate on other things which make me happy. To ignore all signs of a positive solution. To only focus on other good things in my life and list them everyday in order to focus only on those things and not the desired outcome.
It seems to be a reasonable answer and a logical one that I will attempt to practice. But infertility, especially when you are going thru treatments are all consuming. In practice I believe this will be extremely hard. But, I can try. And if I am successful 10% of the time, I’ll be content with myself. However, isn’t it almost ignoring it, pretending you aren’t experiencing it or what you are aiming to achieve?
Regardless, my aim is to increase the arsenal against infertility’s emotional devastation.
What I intend to do in practicing cautious optimism?
Continue relaxation technique.
Continue seeing my therapist.
Continue to walk at lunch (aim for five days, be satisfied with two).
Start yoga on Monday, January 8th.
Get a massage once a month.
Seek other activities to do during treatments (book club, cooking classes, increase yoga classes, etc.).
Write a daily list of things I am grateful for when I am undergoing treatments.
I truly believe that if I am able to learn to practice cautious optimism, it will help me find peace. And maybe it will automatically lend itself to infertility too.
What are your thoughts? How do you practice “cautious optimism”?
The last few months have been productive, despite some turbulent moments. I survived the holidays. I learned my limitations: with people, with myself, and with the pursuit for baby. I learned about the wonderful world of therapy; to practice a relaxation technique and be in a moment for a while. I’ve enrolled in a yoga class. (I start Monday and I am so excited.)
But, it has also led me to cautious optimism. Seems like a harmless phrase; something easily accomplished and understood. Many people discuss it in relation to infertility. But my logical part asks, “What does it mean and how do I practice cautious optimism?”
Honestly, it seems like you need to practice it if you want to survive. To avoid all the roller-a-coaster action and utter disappointment that is infertility. Why is it then I cannot find a “how to” book, a definition, concept discussion online, etc.
So, I asked people in my reality:
T’s answer, “You look at your wanted result, with caution. You know that there are many outcomes and are satisfied with any of them and if the ultimate outcome results you are ecstatic, but it isn’t the end all.”
Great theory honey, and I am working on being equally happy with other resolutions. But I believe that would mean I would be equally happy with being childfree. While the idea has grown on me considerable, maybe that it might just be the outcome, I’m just not there yet. Therefore using your definition, I’m screwed. So, I must chug along.
A colleague brought up the topic dealing with work. I asked him what it meant. He said, “If it is raining, there is a 100% chance of rain. If it isn’t raining, then it isn’t raining.”
He admits that he is a pessimist and I have to agree. No optimism in this one.
My therapist suggested not thinking about the wanted end result. To concentrate on other things which make me happy. To ignore all signs of a positive solution. To only focus on other good things in my life and list them everyday in order to focus only on those things and not the desired outcome.
It seems to be a reasonable answer and a logical one that I will attempt to practice. But infertility, especially when you are going thru treatments are all consuming. In practice I believe this will be extremely hard. But, I can try. And if I am successful 10% of the time, I’ll be content with myself. However, isn’t it almost ignoring it, pretending you aren’t experiencing it or what you are aiming to achieve?
Regardless, my aim is to increase the arsenal against infertility’s emotional devastation.
What I intend to do in practicing cautious optimism?
Continue relaxation technique.
Continue seeing my therapist.
Continue to walk at lunch (aim for five days, be satisfied with two).
Start yoga on Monday, January 8th.
Get a massage once a month.
Seek other activities to do during treatments (book club, cooking classes, increase yoga classes, etc.).
Write a daily list of things I am grateful for when I am undergoing treatments.
I truly believe that if I am able to learn to practice cautious optimism, it will help me find peace. And maybe it will automatically lend itself to infertility too.
What are your thoughts? How do you practice “cautious optimism”?
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
EXPLOSION
I new this would happen, eventually. I have a habit of not really addressing my feelings and then all of the sudden....BOOM. It is never my intention to let this to happen....but it always seems to.
Very often I have thoughts and feelings that I cannot fully express. I usually resort to writing a letter to sort everything out. It is usually to a person. Heck, my issues are usually with a person. But, I haven't been able to direct my anger, frustration, exasperation, to just one person. See my issues are with so many: myself, God, the health care system, uncaring doctors, family, friends, and strangers. I feel that I must bite my lip. I can't anymore, this is where I can say what I'm thinking.
Really, I am a positive person, however reading my first entries you may doubt my truthfulness. It is just that after two years of trying to conceive I think that I've reached the critical point of explosion.
I have a wonderful husband, family, and friends. However none of them completely understand. Not that they could because they aren't me. My thoughts are contradictory so many times that I often wish that I could turn them off. (One minute I am optimistic and the next pessimistic....ahhh.....but that could be that I'm a Gemini and its part of my complex self. HA!)
So I rarely talk about the situation as much as I think about it. :).
Mostly because of my theory that if you say it OUT LOUD than it's real. I'm affraid of saying so many things OUT LOUD because I don't want them to be real. Here is my attempt at finding peace while saying things OUT LOUD......BOOM!
Very often I have thoughts and feelings that I cannot fully express. I usually resort to writing a letter to sort everything out. It is usually to a person. Heck, my issues are usually with a person. But, I haven't been able to direct my anger, frustration, exasperation, to just one person. See my issues are with so many: myself, God, the health care system, uncaring doctors, family, friends, and strangers. I feel that I must bite my lip. I can't anymore, this is where I can say what I'm thinking.
Really, I am a positive person, however reading my first entries you may doubt my truthfulness. It is just that after two years of trying to conceive I think that I've reached the critical point of explosion.
I have a wonderful husband, family, and friends. However none of them completely understand. Not that they could because they aren't me. My thoughts are contradictory so many times that I often wish that I could turn them off. (One minute I am optimistic and the next pessimistic....ahhh.....but that could be that I'm a Gemini and its part of my complex self. HA!)
So I rarely talk about the situation as much as I think about it. :).
Mostly because of my theory that if you say it OUT LOUD than it's real. I'm affraid of saying so many things OUT LOUD because I don't want them to be real. Here is my attempt at finding peace while saying things OUT LOUD......BOOM!
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