Spotting this morning. Oh well. Hoping that the insurance approval is in before she comes for real, so that we don't need to wait two whole cycles to do IUI #2 with G*nal-f.
Mental Notes:
Nausea is possible without a pregnancy during the Luteal Phase. (Clomid/HCG - DPI9)
Luteal Phase is longer with the HCG shot - approximately 17 days.
Infertility SUCKS.
Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Oh Yeah, I hate you more! (And thank you!)
Yesterday, I realized that my body hates me just as much as I hate it.
I woke up on Friday in pain. My first thought, "Oh God, I have to go to work. It'll be OK, just fake it. Medicate and fake it."
Did my morning routine, then took M*trin (which usually works) and a Th*rmac*re heat wrap in the front of me.
Got into the car and realized that wasn't enough. Stopped at the grocery store and bought more heating pads. First thing I did when I got to work is to put one on my back too.
Then I started to work. *Beep*Beep*Beep*. Yes, today was going to be a busy day. Boss comes in, needs info. Try to obtain it and more *Beep*Beep*Beep*. (My em@il and inst@antm@ssenger alert me.)
Secretary and 37 week pregnant attorney chatting.
We work in very close quarters, and usually it doesn't bother me. But, the 37 week tummy was buggin me for some reason. Oh yeah, it could be because we were having cake in her honor. The reason I HAD to go to work today! I HAD to buy the cake.
Stayed until one and I couldn't take it any more. I still had several more hours of work. But, I realized that my eyes were tearing. And I didn't know if it was the physical pain (because it didn't subside) or the emotional pain.
So I went home.
I've never taken sick time for really bad cramps, but effectively I did yesterday. And I am reminded that there is a first time for everything. Came home and watched movies. And physically I didn't feel any better, but emotionally I was in a safe place with no extremelly pregnant bellies at eye level.
****
Thank you ladies for your virtual hugs, words of support, and helping hand. Emotionally I am doing much better today. Infertility sucks, but the community is B E A U T I F U L. Thank you. (Two little words that mean so much, but yet don't say it all.) I am very grateful for each and every one of you.
I woke up on Friday in pain. My first thought, "Oh God, I have to go to work. It'll be OK, just fake it. Medicate and fake it."
Did my morning routine, then took M*trin (which usually works) and a Th*rmac*re heat wrap in the front of me.
Got into the car and realized that wasn't enough. Stopped at the grocery store and bought more heating pads. First thing I did when I got to work is to put one on my back too.
Then I started to work. *Beep*Beep*Beep*. Yes, today was going to be a busy day. Boss comes in, needs info. Try to obtain it and more *Beep*Beep*Beep*. (My em@il and inst@antm@ssenger alert me.)
Secretary and 37 week pregnant attorney chatting.
We work in very close quarters, and usually it doesn't bother me. But, the 37 week tummy was buggin me for some reason. Oh yeah, it could be because we were having cake in her honor. The reason I HAD to go to work today! I HAD to buy the cake.
Stayed until one and I couldn't take it any more. I still had several more hours of work. But, I realized that my eyes were tearing. And I didn't know if it was the physical pain (because it didn't subside) or the emotional pain.
So I went home.
I've never taken sick time for really bad cramps, but effectively I did yesterday. And I am reminded that there is a first time for everything. Came home and watched movies. And physically I didn't feel any better, but emotionally I was in a safe place with no extremelly pregnant bellies at eye level.
****
Thank you ladies for your virtual hugs, words of support, and helping hand. Emotionally I am doing much better today. Infertility sucks, but the community is B E A U T I F U L. Thank you. (Two little words that mean so much, but yet don't say it all.) I am very grateful for each and every one of you.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Ridiculous
Ridiculous for thinking that body could get pregnant “naturally,” after all ready having coming to that conclusion long before this cycle.
Ridiculous for taking all of you along on this roller-coaster ride.
Ridiculous that I gave my reproductive system any credit for getting anything right. (Probably a great lesson to have learned before starting the IUIs.)
Ridiculous that I fell for FALSE hope, AGAIN.
Ridiculous because my FALSE hope infected others, and how that makes me that so much more angrier because my reproductive cycle is not only effecting me, it screwing with so many others.
Ridiculous for taking all of you along on this roller-coaster ride.
Ridiculous that I gave my reproductive system any credit for getting anything right. (Probably a great lesson to have learned before starting the IUIs.)
Ridiculous that I fell for FALSE hope, AGAIN.
Ridiculous because my FALSE hope infected others, and how that makes me that so much more angrier because my reproductive cycle is not only effecting me, it screwing with so many others.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Hate, Loath, etc. (Yet, not strong enough words.)
I would like a separation from my reproductive system.
No, I am not talking about a mental separation. I am talking about a complete severance from my being. Having it thrown against something hard, a wall isn’t hard enough, a mountain of granite is what I am envisioning. Stomping on it, then putting it in a blender so that there is NOTHING left.
It is obviously big piece of crap. It is the epitome of evil. In the dictionary, a picture of my malfunctioning, destructive, irritating reproductive cycle should be adjacent to evil.
If it isn’t obvious the Wicked Witch – Aunt Flo – (whatever you want to call it) just showed.
A few days ago, I got an article about womb transplants from the American Fertility Association. And I thought, wow, I’ve been saying that I would like a reproductive system transplant for several years. It seems that they are getting closer to that point!
(Yes, I realize how ridiculous that is, considering it brings in to the effect you are essentially having donor eggs etc. And since I don’t think that is an option here, it is a ludicrous idea. But, I never said this was a rational thought.)
Right now, I want NOTHING to do with any reproductive system.
Right now, I don’t believe it will eventually happen. (Heck, I don’t believe that at any point and time, haven’t for quite some time. And actually, coming around to it and being OK.)
Right now, I want to roll into the fetal position (in my bed) and cry. (But I can’t because instead I’m sitting at my desk at work.)
Right now, I realize that I should never hope unless there is more than 6% chance, because the probability is just not there and feeling like this is just not worth it.
Later (in a few days), I will pick myself up; start the insurance procedure and we will start IUIs in March.
But, right now, it really hurts.
No, I am not talking about a mental separation. I am talking about a complete severance from my being. Having it thrown against something hard, a wall isn’t hard enough, a mountain of granite is what I am envisioning. Stomping on it, then putting it in a blender so that there is NOTHING left.
It is obviously big piece of crap. It is the epitome of evil. In the dictionary, a picture of my malfunctioning, destructive, irritating reproductive cycle should be adjacent to evil.
If it isn’t obvious the Wicked Witch – Aunt Flo – (whatever you want to call it) just showed.
A few days ago, I got an article about womb transplants from the American Fertility Association. And I thought, wow, I’ve been saying that I would like a reproductive system transplant for several years. It seems that they are getting closer to that point!
(Yes, I realize how ridiculous that is, considering it brings in to the effect you are essentially having donor eggs etc. And since I don’t think that is an option here, it is a ludicrous idea. But, I never said this was a rational thought.)
Right now, I want NOTHING to do with any reproductive system.
Right now, I don’t believe it will eventually happen. (Heck, I don’t believe that at any point and time, haven’t for quite some time. And actually, coming around to it and being OK.)
Right now, I want to roll into the fetal position (in my bed) and cry. (But I can’t because instead I’m sitting at my desk at work.)
Right now, I realize that I should never hope unless there is more than 6% chance, because the probability is just not there and feeling like this is just not worth it.
Later (in a few days), I will pick myself up; start the insurance procedure and we will start IUIs in March.
But, right now, it really hurts.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Yesterday
Yesterday, was rough. After 22 months and 13 cycles, I was praying and hoping that this was our cycle, but it was not. I reminded myself after I saw the BFN that the odds were against us, after all I've only detected ovulation twice in the past 7 months. But, that our prognosis wasn't all bad, and that the Clomid or other drugs will eventually increase our odds. (Yes, reasonable Flutter was talking to sobbing mess Flutter. And it wasn't working.)
So, I went to the computer for some comfort (T. was asleep. I figured, I'd give him a few more hours of peace before I told him and he saw that I couldn't stop crying. I'm very good about hiding the crying.) I posted on my blog, my Vent board, and on another board.
Soon thereafter, I got responses from Joei, Jenn, and Kristin. (Thank you Ladies.)
And another post came up on the other board. It announced another member's BFP, positive pregnancy test. Ouch it hurt. Not even a sorry, nothing. I know that she was excited, that she wanted and needed to share her good news. But, I couldn't take it. And I started to cry and deleted the board from my favorites without thinking twice. (WOW, I don't think I've ever acted that quickly on anything.) I don't know if it was the pain that I experienced or the envy that I was feeling towards a fellow infertile. Both feelings weren't nice and I needed to stop it immediately.
So, I went back to bed. T awoke slightly from his gentle slumber. He asked about the test. I told him in a quivering voice that it was negative. The tears silently came out again, he just hugged me. Finally, sleep came and I took a nap.
Emotional me continued for most of the morning. Cried in the shower. (Great way not to get stuffy.) And when I asked T if we could talk to his Aunt and Uncle about the whole process, financing, etc. He said, "I never said we couldn't talk to them about this and I think we should."
I'll fast forward to the afternoon. We went to visit with G, L, and the boys. We sat, chatted and ate. It was really nice. But, I was losing my nerve. T new and broached the subject for me. For this I am forever grateful.
L gave me the number of a person who handles their insurance now. Who will be able to help us find supplemental insurance.
G told me her story. When she was younger, her appendix burst. Unknown to her it had caused a severe amount of scar tissue. The scar tissue had ruined one of her tubes. The doctor found this out once he performed an ultra sound. They manipulated her ovulation from the one good side, and after several years of trying she got pregnant. Unfortunately, it was ectopic.
She was brought in for emergency surgery. After several hours of surgery, she lost the baby, her one good tube and her bad tube. She was devastated. She met with her reproductive endocrinologist and he said in a few months we will start IVF.
How there was a woman that was going through IVF at the same time. How she boisterously yelled from her bed, about her failed cycles, and SEVEN successful cycles. Giving G hope.
She and L went through three cycles before they were successful with J. When they finally got pregnant with J, her numbers were precariously low. She was put on bed rest for the first trimester. But, after the first trimester, she was just fine.
After two years, she and L went through another cycle where T and D were conceived.
She continued. I remember feeling so angry for having to go through it. For not understanding. Looking at women, and being so critical because I wanted it so badly. She never forgets, but how she appreciated being pregnant all that more. Then, after she told me her story, she listened to me.
How I really don't like talking about it because I get emotional. How clomid has made me forgetful and mean. How I feel guilty that T isn't a Dad because of me. How envious I get. That I’m nervous that the clomid can do more harm than good.
Her therapy after knowing that I was in between. Good food, Mojitos, Piña Coladas, and ice cream. A woman after my own heart.
So, I thanked God for giving me G. For letting her be an Angel from heaven, here on Earth. For having her show me support, kindness and love. With reinforcement that miracles happen, seeing the boys you know that they do.
And that God knew that I would need her to get through this failed cycle, when we made plans two days ago.
After a long day, I felt at peace. Welcoming the cramps and the Wicked Witch. Allowing to start month 23 and cycle 14. Hopefully, it will be our third detected ovulation. After all, the third time is the charm. Hope, there she is again. Please play nice.
So, I went to the computer for some comfort (T. was asleep. I figured, I'd give him a few more hours of peace before I told him and he saw that I couldn't stop crying. I'm very good about hiding the crying.) I posted on my blog, my Vent board, and on another board.
Soon thereafter, I got responses from Joei, Jenn, and Kristin. (Thank you Ladies.)
And another post came up on the other board. It announced another member's BFP, positive pregnancy test. Ouch it hurt. Not even a sorry, nothing. I know that she was excited, that she wanted and needed to share her good news. But, I couldn't take it. And I started to cry and deleted the board from my favorites without thinking twice. (WOW, I don't think I've ever acted that quickly on anything.) I don't know if it was the pain that I experienced or the envy that I was feeling towards a fellow infertile. Both feelings weren't nice and I needed to stop it immediately.
So, I went back to bed. T awoke slightly from his gentle slumber. He asked about the test. I told him in a quivering voice that it was negative. The tears silently came out again, he just hugged me. Finally, sleep came and I took a nap.
Emotional me continued for most of the morning. Cried in the shower. (Great way not to get stuffy.) And when I asked T if we could talk to his Aunt and Uncle about the whole process, financing, etc. He said, "I never said we couldn't talk to them about this and I think we should."
I'll fast forward to the afternoon. We went to visit with G, L, and the boys. We sat, chatted and ate. It was really nice. But, I was losing my nerve. T new and broached the subject for me. For this I am forever grateful.
L gave me the number of a person who handles their insurance now. Who will be able to help us find supplemental insurance.
G told me her story. When she was younger, her appendix burst. Unknown to her it had caused a severe amount of scar tissue. The scar tissue had ruined one of her tubes. The doctor found this out once he performed an ultra sound. They manipulated her ovulation from the one good side, and after several years of trying she got pregnant. Unfortunately, it was ectopic.
She was brought in for emergency surgery. After several hours of surgery, she lost the baby, her one good tube and her bad tube. She was devastated. She met with her reproductive endocrinologist and he said in a few months we will start IVF.
How there was a woman that was going through IVF at the same time. How she boisterously yelled from her bed, about her failed cycles, and SEVEN successful cycles. Giving G hope.
She and L went through three cycles before they were successful with J. When they finally got pregnant with J, her numbers were precariously low. She was put on bed rest for the first trimester. But, after the first trimester, she was just fine.
After two years, she and L went through another cycle where T and D were conceived.
She continued. I remember feeling so angry for having to go through it. For not understanding. Looking at women, and being so critical because I wanted it so badly. She never forgets, but how she appreciated being pregnant all that more. Then, after she told me her story, she listened to me.
How I really don't like talking about it because I get emotional. How clomid has made me forgetful and mean. How I feel guilty that T isn't a Dad because of me. How envious I get. That I’m nervous that the clomid can do more harm than good.
Her therapy after knowing that I was in between. Good food, Mojitos, Piña Coladas, and ice cream. A woman after my own heart.
So, I thanked God for giving me G. For letting her be an Angel from heaven, here on Earth. For having her show me support, kindness and love. With reinforcement that miracles happen, seeing the boys you know that they do.
And that God knew that I would need her to get through this failed cycle, when we made plans two days ago.
After a long day, I felt at peace. Welcoming the cramps and the Wicked Witch. Allowing to start month 23 and cycle 14. Hopefully, it will be our third detected ovulation. After all, the third time is the charm. Hope, there she is again. Please play nice.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
BFN...Thanks ladies for expressing it in words for me.
"Am I The Only One (Whose Ever Felt This Way)"
by the Dixie Chicks
There Is No Good Reason
I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone
Like I Fool I Lent My Soul To Love
And It Paid Me Back In Change
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
A Heart That's Worn
And Weathered Would Know Better Than To Fight
But I Wore Mine Like A Weapon Played Out Love Like A Crime
And It Wrung Me Out
And Strung Me Out
And It Hung Years On My Face
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
Now My Sense Of Humor Needs A Break
I See A Shadow In The Mirror
And She's Laughin' Through Her Tears
One More Smile's All I Can Fake
There Is A Wound Inside Me
And It's Bleeding Like A Flood
There's Times When I See A Light Ahead
Hope Is Not Enough
As Another Night Surrounds Me
And It Pounds Me Like A Wave
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
by the Dixie Chicks
There Is No Good Reason
I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone
Like I Fool I Lent My Soul To Love
And It Paid Me Back In Change
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
A Heart That's Worn
And Weathered Would Know Better Than To Fight
But I Wore Mine Like A Weapon Played Out Love Like A Crime
And It Wrung Me Out
And Strung Me Out
And It Hung Years On My Face
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
Now My Sense Of Humor Needs A Break
I See A Shadow In The Mirror
And She's Laughin' Through Her Tears
One More Smile's All I Can Fake
There Is A Wound Inside Me
And It's Bleeding Like A Flood
There's Times When I See A Light Ahead
Hope Is Not Enough
As Another Night Surrounds Me
And It Pounds Me Like A Wave
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?
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