I saw this on Pam's site and wondered what the Irish Tarot cards would come up for my question -

Will I be Happy in my future?

This has been a question mulling over in my mind for some time. And there is a longer post brewing on the topic. For the most part, I am currently happy. But, I can't say that wasn't hard faught for or easy. I've been thinking what I can do to make it easier. What I can do, to make it permanent. Like I said, to long for today. So the answer I got from the fun game:

The OPPORTUNITY



8 - Strength
Courage and inner fire

You have the opportunity to develop your inner fortitude, which is the unseen blessing of difficult times. When you face your fears, an unpleasant situation or an inner truth that you don't want to acknowledge, you develop the courage that allows you to persevere during chaotic, stressful times. If you've never before been tested, you may be surprised to discover a wild source of strength you didn't know you had — like a woman giving birth alone in the wilderness. Afterwards, you will be changed, and your sense of personal power will grow. Others will see it in you and call it "charisma." Your inner fire will be awakened, and it will never again go out.

The CHALLENGE



11 - Justice
Karmic balance

You are being challenged to face the consequences of your past actions, which may be positive or negative. This is a card of cause and effect, of karmic balance. You are held accountable for your choices and actions — you will reap what you have sown. Examine the values that you live by, and your motives. It is best to act with integrity in all that you do. Perhaps a conflict is about to be resolved in your life, or a legal matter brought to closure. Or perhaps you must deal with the negative consequences of past actions that were less than honorable. You may be coming to an understanding of your place in the web of life, and of how far-reaching the consequences of your actions can be. It may be time to take a stand for social or environmental justice in your own neighborhood or on a global level. Each of us has a responsibility to leave this world in better shape than the way we found it.

The RESOLUTION



14 - Temperance
Combining opposites

Resolution comes with finding the serenity of the middle way between polarities. You are ready to embrace the different parts of your personality, both light and shadow, that combine to make your own unique self. Your inner, spiritual life harmonizes with your life in the workaday world. You have discovered that your whole life is a work of art. You may be in need of healing on a spiritual or physical level, and the Winged One — a descendant of the ancient Bird Goddesses — is here to facilitate that for you. She may also aid you as you move into the role of healer yourself.

My interpretation: You will be if you try to be. But, what do you think?

A day late, a dollar short :)

So, I'm a little late about my happiness challenge. But since I picked an easy one. Well, I did it faithfully. If anything in the last week, I've increased it.

My challenge was to drink a cup of coffee everyday. It is something I've done for the last year. But it is something that makes me happy. I go between making my own to buying. From enjoying iced to hot. The only thing that is the same is that it is caffeinated.

How does it make me feel? Well, while going thru infertility treatments, it helped make me feel grounded. Like a normal person. It was the one thing that I refused to give up. After trying. It brought me back. To memories where coffee was not restricted. To memories of coffee and conversation. To memories of family gatherings.

Unfortunately, it also brought me to the moms and dads of the day. Especially when it was right after an IUI. When all the soccer moms and dads would be there. But, that was two days. Really, it only brought the elephant into the room. The Infertiity elephant. Those days, well, I wish I had made it at home.

Otherwise, I took my time in sipping. Enjoying the solitude, the aroma, the taste, the total experience. And on this Saturday, I enjoyed two cups in front of a homemaker over show and introduction to a leisurely weekend.

Next month, meditation. Now, this is something that I've tried before and failed. Goodness. This one will be rough. But, not all good things are easy.

My Happiness

The amazing Mel has done it again, now in a series revolving around happiness. (I tried to link her, but for some reason Blogger isn't letting me!) You may be asking, “What has she done?” Well she has made me think. Truly think.

She has asked us about our definition of happiness. Seems like a simple enough question. But to me it was hard. And what I realized while thinking about it was OMG powerful; very scary in many ways and a huge AHA moment.

I know that despite all of the shit that occurs with infertility, I’m happy with my current life. It is just tough to see it, well, because of all the shit that is infertility. (I know I am just so eloquent.) And I also know that I could be happier.

That is when it happened.

I realize that I’ve been giving up on my own happiness, in hope that my self sacrifice would bring my ultimate reward. Yes, how CRAZY is that? Especially considering it doesn’t mean anything. Most people who achieve pregnancy are all about their own happiness and selfishness. They never had to self sacrifice. It sounds insane to me now. But, I know that I have been doing a little bit at a time – giving up on my happiness.

But it is HYSTERICAL to me that about a year ago I refused to take away one more bit of happiness in my life. Coffee. I actually only have one caffeinated drink a day. But it is usually a cup of coffee. I sip. Enjoy it thoroughly. A little International D*light or milk and sugar, either way leaves me enjoying my start of my day. My simple bit of normalcy, that is what I held on to.

Humans amaze me. And I am definitely human. Once I started to think about all of this, I realized that the factors of what makes me happy are also the factors that hold me back with IVF. Again, a what the heck moment?

Let me explain. In this thought process, I realized one of the key things to my happiness is stability. Now, that word means a lot of things. It means stability at work and at home. But, when I think of stability, I mean financial stability. I need to know that I will be able to pay my bills and put food on the table at all times. The thought of not being able to do those things scares the CRAP out of me. So does debt. I mean I have debt, but it is a calculated amount of debt, i.e. mortgage, car loan, credit card. Nothing that we can’t handle and still maintain a comfortable life style. I value that enormously.

If we didn’t have it, I know that I would be miserable. And I think it is why I am fearful of spending more money on something that I know may not work. I know that if we never get pregnant and I spend the money. I’ll never be able to forgive myself. To me the waste is bigger than not trying.

Stability, before infertility also meant a constant weight. I was happier at 145. After I stopped taking the pill, and we started trying. Well, my weight was far from constant. It started to fluctuate. It became a struggle. And for nearly three years, I decided in my self sacrificing that my weight had to be one of those things. I’m not sure what has happened in the last few weeks. A breaking point maybe? But now, I am taking that happiness back. I feel better for it. Happier.

It could be because it lends itself to control. Feeling that I have some kind of control in my life is also key. Feeling out of control, it makes me feel unhappy, to say the least. And infertility definitely takes away control. My body has taken control. I don’t like it. But it isn’t a necessarily a bad lesson to learn. Since I am sure that it is a lesson many people learn, just later in life. As a result, it is something that I will get used to. More so than I have as of yet – perish the thought – but a realistic one.

See, I also like change and hate feeling stagnate. Change is part of life. Your life expanding is part of change. Infertility has taken how I thought my life would naturally change. Instead, I am seeking change. But, change for the sake of change, I think is not a smart idea. Struggling with this part of my happiness, since even the things that I think would be a good change (i.e. selling our condo) is out of my control and very frustrating.

Also, I value routine and normalcy. Why I think why my coffee has been a constant. Although, I would think that these are less important to maintaining my happiness because I routinely know that I can only control my own routine. That for example T has no routine or normalcy due to his work. At times this brings me down, and I need to know things like if he will be home for dinner and at what time. Other times, I am resigned to his schedule and I focus on my own routine and normalcy.

My coffee is actually even more important to me during treatments. Maybe it is my attempt of keeping something normal, when my whole routine is changed. Like I may need to get up an hour and half earlier to go to for blood draws or ultrasound, but I am ok as long as I am able to treat myself after the fact with a cup of delicious coffee.

This time period has not been all for not, since it also introduced a new bit thing that makes me happy – yoga. But it is how it makes me feel, peaceful. Who doesn’t like to feel that way? Every Wednesday, I leave there with that feeling in abundance. So, I know I love feeling that way. But, I also know that it is not something that I have constantly, but just that hour helps place me find happiness.

Ultimately, I guess that I do know having a baby is not the end all be all of my happiness. I think it would increase it in a certain extent. But doing things and forsaking my happiness is not bringing me closer to a baby, it will only make me miserable. No amount of sacrifice will help. So why continue to do that? What good is that?

So happiness is a new goal. Thanks Mel, I needed that reminder.