Reminder - Must learn to think of numero uno.

I am becoming very frustrated at work. Don’t get me wrong, for the most part - I enjoy my position. Believe me, I know how lucky I am in that respect.

But, it has its problems: 1. They rely on me. It is a true double edge sword. 2. They tell me no, when I asked for time off. Because see number one. This is new. In the past I’ve been able to without issue. 3. And the same rules do not apply to others.

My position is unique. I am the only one that does what I do. When I am on vacation, there will be a huge pile waiting for me. So, even when I go on vacation there is no vacation. Since when I return, I need to do everything that no one has done for me and usually requires me putting in extra time.

When others go on vacations, I try to do as much as possible for them plus my own work - so that they don’t need to come back to a pile. You know as a good Catholic girl, I was taught to do for others as I would like to be done for me.

The Company I work for is going thru some changes which are stressing me out. At this point, I am not concerned with the out come. Ironically, I am looking at a potential layoff as some time off – in lieu of a maternity leave.

I am worried about my work load.

Last December/February, I had my first inkling of what that would entail. Lets put it this way, as a person who will not be extremely rewarded for their time and efforts. (By the way, I was given $1,000 before taxes for 90 hours of work.) I am not looking forward to what my July/August will be looking like.

It is frustrating beyond belief – in so many ways. Especially since the individuals who will be highly compensated for their time and efforts are able to take vacation time. While, every time in the recent months, I am only faced with hemming and hawing or a flat out “no.” Yet, the person who is telling me these things has vacations scheduled and is not planning on cancelling those trips. Yes I said trips.

And this is my first summer without injections, daily draws, and empty uterus scans. I was hoping for a normal fun summer. You know one that includes weekend get-a-ways, etc.

Instead I have something else bogging me down that is out of my control.

Yes, I consider it to be out of my control. When you factor in:

1. I like my job;
2. This is only temporary;
3. The economy;
4. The new owners have potential (pay, benefits – it may even be a MA based company!, tuition reimbursement);
5. It is only temporary.

I know what makes me “exceptional employee” is also what is making me frustrated. I will do what it takes to get my job done – including as much as I can of someone else’s job. And this makes me frustrated because I feel as if I am the only one that does that. Most of my colleagues value their own lives more and I am frustrated in equal parts with myself as well as them. Since I would like to be more like them – but see my conscious leaves me feeling guilty if I did what they do.

Also, it makes me feel unappreciated. Because, quiet frankly, sometimes “appreciation” needs to come in the form of dollar signs. While I’ve received raises, I feel like – especially during these times – I am not being compensated as much as I deserve. Right now, I am not seeing the benefits of this job – you know 9 to 5.

It is only compounded because I am given a laptop but it is the only one without remote access. So, it is a computer which requires internet access via my own internet which they don’t pay for. To make myself “happier” with the situation, I decided to get a Bl*ckberry out of pocket. They could of at least offered to pay for the next few months. Actually, when I informed of the fact, I was reminded that the Company would not pay for that service.

It makes for a disgruntled person.

It makes for a disgruntled person who needs a vacation.

Err, imagine how I would be if I didn’t have a few days in May/June? You know the Friday and Monday that I still answered emails. You know. Because I was made to feel guilty for taking the time.

I cannot wait for Thursday at 5, since everyone else is taking the day and I need to be the one here holding up the fort. But, who can take days off when you only get ten vacation days a year?

Frustrated and I need to learn how to say no and that I am taking a few days instead of asking.