Conversations which continued the twist.....

I received a call from my mother. She starts off normally. "Where are you? Have you eaten? What are you making for dinner? How is T?"

The general questions that she asks out of obligation. Never to really hear my answers or acknowledge me.

She goes on. "I wonder when M and M will start to have kids."

I respond, "You know they may not be able to, shit happens."

She responds, "Don't say that! Don't wish anything bad on your sister!"

I respond, "Is that what happened to me, someone wished something bad on me? Shit happens. Life doesn't go as planned. It may not happen."

I think to myself, and your pressure is not helping nor is it going to move things along.

She responds, "I need to go."

"O.K., bye."

*****

My sister, her friend and I are having lunch/dinner after an eight hour shopping trip. Our feet hurt and our hands are full. The conversation changes:

M: "M thinks we should start "trying" next May after S & S's wedding. When we will be in great shape."

Me: "You are all ready in great shape. How about T's birthday cruise?"

M: "I know I'm in good shape, I guess it is for him. (Said with a smile.) We are definitely going on the cruise. Babies can go?" (I shake my head yes.)

M's Friend: "Not that you have to worry about his body, your body is the one that will be changing!" (We all laugh.)

M: "M thinks we will get pregnant quick. You know he thinks he has super sperm."

Me: "I hope you have a few super eggs." (We all laugh.)

M's Friend: "Exactly."

M: "I know. Hopefully it will work out. Mom is all ready sitting me down and asking if I want kids. She is worried what to do with herself. And she is worried about what do with her money."

Me: "I hope you get pregnant quickly. I'll talk to her."

*****

We are celebrating Mother's day a day early. Since M & M need to leave for the Island the next day to work. My sister, myself and my mother are sitting waiting for a table. The boys are outside enjoying themselves catching up.

Me: "Who closed my bag?" (It's a bucket style.)

M: With a giggle, "I did."

Mom: "Oh she didn't know that she could close the bag?"

M: "She knew that she could close the bag, she isn't stupid."
(M and I look at eachother in amazement. When my mind flashes to other conversations.)

Me: "She thinks I'm stupid. (Said with realization.) She did try to tell me that I was having sex wrong."

M: "What?"

Mom: "I never said that?"

Me: "Just like you never said that I was a disgrace and disappointment if I never gave you grandchildren? Like that time?"

Mom: Looks away. "I never said that."

M: Said to me, but my mother is in the middle of us. "Do you know she is all stressed about us possibly having kids on the Island? Who will help us take care of the baby?"

Me: Said to my mother, "Why don't you move?" Silently praying that she does. So that it can be M's responsibility to try and please her.

M: Looking at my mother, "I will not try as hard as Dianne did."
Silence for a short while.

*****

We are all sitting down. The waitress starts to take our orders. My mother is hemming and hawing. She prefers to order what I or M are ordering. But, she doesn't want what we are having.

I look at T and say, "I'll just order the filet."
T: "Why?"
M: "Because she is trying to please Mom."

I realize that she is right, I'm always trying to please a woman who is never happy. I order what I wanted.

Then the waitress announced to our table she was pregnant and what kinds of food she is been enjoying off the menue.

I wished her well on my way out.

*****

On Thursday, I watched Grey's and it clicks why I've been letting all of these conversations and so many others - errode my mind and heart in the last week.

They are my loved ones and no one else is allowed to talk badly about them. She is my mother. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I've refused to even vocalize it with T.

It is just that I've been able to accept her as a person for who she is, by trying to understand her past. Maybe by being an adult myself, I can understand why she is the way she is. But, when it comes to her as my mother, I don't understand. And am hurt by so many things.

My therapist said once that I wanted to be a mother to show my mother how it was done. There is so much truth in that statement. It is twisted.

Twisted

A few weeks ago, I was driving into work on a clear blue sky day. The windows were down and I thought to myself I feel good. Sun shinning brightly, a slight cool breeze, a beautiful day – how could I not?

That same day, I received an email from a friend from high school. She is a few years younger. She knows of our infertility. In the last few years our emails would include me explaining ART to her and what stage we were in. This email started off like every other, catching up, and then it twisted. She says, “I had a miscarriage.”

At first, I comforted. As the conversation goes on, she proceeds to tell me about the differences of a chemical miscarriage and a late term. I told her, “I may not have ever been pregnant, but I know very well what a miscarriage is and the differences.” I’m offended and I quickly end the conversation.

This conversation and my reaction bothered me. I looked at it as objectively as possible and I realize that I am jealous of people who have had miscarriages. (I can hear the gasp of WTF? And apologize in advance.) But, let me explain.

If I had a miscarriage, I would know:

the joy of telling my husband, parents, and sister that we were expecting.

the joy of life growing inside of me.

the hope and love which that brings.

the right to grieve.

And I know in my heart of hearts that it is ridiculous. In the same time, I feel like it would have been something to show for all of our hard work. Someone to mourn in a more tangible manner. It would be devastating. But, I would have that child to forever love and know that he/she would be waiting for me when I die.

Twisted, that is how I feel lately, twisted.