Moving on...

Life in the last few years have given me the time to actually believe and act upon my title. It was time for me to move on.

I won't delete the old blog. I firmly believe that it has a place in the blogosphere. From my own experience, I know that a voice that relates is so valuable during a difficult time and if I give anyone that comfort, well it was worth the pain. That dark time is over for me. I'm not saying that infertility doesn't hurt, it does. But the "wound" has a scab at this point. It is not raw. It is not exposed. It is healing with time.

Ironically in July when I was "let go," I was very uncertain about so much. The last two months have given me the opportunity to get back to myself. The person I liked. It makes me completely contended.

I hope you decide to join me. If you don't I understand as well. Wishing you all well.

Considering....

what to do with this blog. I obviously have not been posting lately. It is most definitely not because I don't have anything to talk about. And it isn't that I don't have the time. I actually have been releaved from my duties as of July. (It really is a blessing.)

But, I don't know what to do with these words. I feel so far away from the situation that caused me to write them. I am no longer only infertile. Time has given me the blessing of realizing that it is only a part of me. It is a part that is painful at times, but a part of me that makes me who I am.

Yet, I feel a yearning to start a new, from scratch. What do you think? (Assuming anyone is reading?)

Pathetic

I am a pathetic blogger. Honestly, my story has not changed in the last few weeks. Work is still taking a good part of my time. It is the same story, ironically I think I am getting used to it. If I get out at 6:30, I think it is a miracle! Maybe it is that I am making more time for myself by going to the gym. It really does make me feel better.

I have read/listened to some great books lately. To name a few:

A Thousand Splendis Suns (infertility mentioned) by Khaled Hosseini
The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
The Pillars of the Earth by Kenneth Follett

The two hours in the car is somewhat productive. But at the end of the day, I have had no time to read blogs or write. And I miss you all! Ok, so if you would, please write me posts with the latest and greatest of your lives. (If anyone is still reading.)

Did it again!

I am so proud of myself. I went to the gym this morning again, and yes I worked out (smarty pants).

Hopefully, I can make it a habit.

For some reason, it makes work easier to deal with. Hmm...

So proud of myself.

I went to the gym this morning!

I work to live.

Over a decade ago, I made that decision - that I wanted a life, not a career that took over my life. I made the decision not to go to law school, because I know that I can't do anything half way. And that if I had gone to law school, I would be married to my job.

Instead, I pursued my paralegal certificate and decided that it gave me a good balance. But, don't get me wrong, I take pride in my work. I do my best always and take criticism personally, because I strive to be the best. As a result, I was given a reward for being an "exceptional" employee last year.

For the most part, I've been very happy with my position. I always was made to feel like a valued member of the team. My direct report and many others noticed my work ethic and the quality of my work, and always made me feel valued and respected. My position, would not work for most people. It is varied and in law that is very unusual. I work in this position, because it keeps me always busy and never bored. The topics are interesting to me and therefore I am willing to work through my ignorance of topics. But, I am far from an expert in all the areas of law I tackle on a daily basis. My training is in U*S* immigration. But, I am asked to focus on company formations, international corporate law, U*S* corporate law, outbound/inbound immigration, employment matters, etc. And that etc. means about anything and everything.

Since working under the new managment, I cannot say that I feel respected, a member of the team, or valued. For the last three months, the new GC only measures my value with my weakest area of expertise. I am sick of being berrated and humiliated. She talks to me so disrespectfully, in front of people, that I am brought to tears right now as I type these words. She holds me responsible for something that was started with the formation of the company 26 years ago. Something that I inherited, and that previous managements never made important until now! She conveniently ignores everything that I do right and makes me feel as if my termination is around the corner at all times.

On Thursday, we had a one on one meeting. She said,"I want to open the lines of communication with you." I said, "I ask a lot of questions, and very often you do not want to hear them. Instead, you act as if I am being insubordinate. But, if I don't ask, I won't get it the way you want it to be." She said, "I will try to be more patient." The very next day. In a department meeting, I was sharing information with her. I had acted on a past practice, and was being told that the new practice was to be the complete opposite. I was communicating what I thought was important and needed to be shared. Instead of being patient, and listening to me. She turns to the new attorney and says, "You deal with her."

To say the least, it left me feeling disrespected and unappreciated. Especially when my average work day is 10 to 12 hours long without breaks (except for the bathroom and heating up food). Commuting for 2 hours a day. I've been working every weekend, in order to get everything she expects completed and answering her emergency emails.

Yet, I am frightened to look for a new position. This economy terrifies me. While, T and I would be OK for a little while. I don't like to think what it would be like if I didn't have a job.

But, after days like I've been having, all I want to do is quit and tell her where she can go.

Ok, nothing more I want to say on this topic. Maybe tomorrow I'll post about some of the books I've been reading/listening to. (The commute is good for something.)

Aruba Photos

Some photos, as promised.

Still Alive

Not sure who is still reading this lonely blog. I can't even say that I've been reading. All I have been doing is working. I did have the pleasure of going to Aruba. Those were seven lovely days. Even if they were filled with events :).

One of our cars were stollen from the home we were staying in.
The house was broken into.
We went on the Jeep tour and our vehicle had a flat tire and lost it's transmission.

But at the end of the day, it was a great vacation. We had a lot of fun.

And as T's godson said, "We came, we saw, we broke it, and what was left they stole it."

(I'll try to get some photos uploaded soon.)

492

Well, that is an overwhelming number, when you see it as your Google Reader count. But, that is my life at the moment. No time to do anything but work.

The other day, while driving to work, I thought to myself how ironic that I've shared so much of myself on this blog about my hoo-ha-ha, but nothing about what I do from 8 to 14 hours, Monday thru Friday (and sometimes Saturday and Sunday). And it is a bit ironic. Considering I felt a need to share information on daily draws and nothing about what I do, except for my title.

So, I think I need to share a bit. I am a paralegal, and have been one for about 8 years. My first years, I worked as an US immigration paralegal. I love it, but immigration is very personal to the client, so it is also very draining emotionally.

About four years ago, I went to work "in-house" for a international corporation. Along with immigration (US and worldwide now), I was focusing on employment and corporate. And I am the only person that does what I do in a rather large company. At the beginning, I was overwhelmed because of the knowledge I didn't have. But, I quickly learned what I didn't know and went from there. Three years went by quickly and leaving me feeling respected, in an environment that wasn't glamorous but comfortable and peaceful.

Then the acquisition happened, and all hell broke loose. My hours became chaotic. I was told it should get better. But, the reality is, it hasn't. Yesterday, I got to work at 6:30 am and didn't leave until 7:15 pm. I didn't eat lunch, and only got up to go to the bathroom. At the end of the day, I didn't get to some basic work and have over 400 pages to read this weekend for new matters that I am now helping with.

My new supervisor asked me how I was doing. And I flat out told her I am overwhelmed. She asked if it was the content. I told her it is the volumn. Believe me when I say, she said all the right things. But, I don't think I can physically and mentally keep up this pace.

T tells me that my previous position was not reality and this is real life. But, if this is real life, than I need to get paid more. Because I can work these hours for a law firm and make more money. But, that was before this economy.

I am afraid to make a move. One, at the end of the day, I truly enjoy my job and two, in this economy -- last one hired, first one fired.

Any assvice out there?

The insanity continues.

I know, talk about something new! But, when you spend more than 10 hours a day in a place without any breaks....well you get a little single minded :).

Has been very hectic to say the least. The big move happens tomorrow and I have a half packed desk at the moment. And still have work to do.

Say a prayer.

The sad thing, tomorrow what I thought would be an early release for me (you know a reward). I have a meeting to attend -- teleconference. For something else. And Sunday, I'll probably unpacking so that next week isn't a complete and total waste.

But, Thanksgiving is in a week. It has turned into my favorite holiday. Giving thanks for the things you want and GREAT/FANTABULOUS food!

More of the same.

Thank you to G**GLE Image for finding me the right photo. A chicken with no head. If you are interested in the article that included the photo. Check out.

So, my complaints regarding the place I spend more than 8 hours continues.

Thank you for your comments. Ironically, I started this job because it cut down my 21/2 to 3 hour commute into Boston. Isn't that ironic? That almost four years later and I find myself facing that same commute. Except, that past commute was positions that my hours were more consistent and involved a train ride(s). I know what it does to me. Overtired? Yes. Exhausted? Yes, both physicall and mentally.

Which isn't great that I am starting from that point. I am all ready mentally exhausted. Last week, I cried after being given a task that I had no idea how to complete it. It isn't the first time that I've been given a task that I had no idea how to do. Actually, I get a lot of those. But, it was the first time I cried in this job about it. By the way, it isn't the first time I've cried because of stress and work load. The last time, almost 5 years ago. (Not happy memmories).

Coumpounding the stress is that lately, I feel spastic. Before, the constant change and unpredictability of my job kept me interested. Now, I feel overwhelmed. And I know it is because the volumn. My hours keep on getting longer and I don't believe that will be changing in the new environment. Actually, anticipating it to be worse.

If I look at this objectively, a few steps removed from the situation, there are opportunities to be had. But, my position has its limitations. We will have to see. Ultimately, money will come to play. And my review will be early next year. Once the review happens, I will know if this is a permanent position for me (from my position as much as my employer). Or if it is time to move on. The ugly truth is that with so much transition, I don't feel steady - secure. Time will give me that knowledge, and I will have to go from there.

Obviously, if that is the vibe I receive, then maybe we can move closer to those offices. It work out in T's advantage too. But, with articles like this. I doubt that will be an option until late next year.

On a positive note, we leave for Aruba in less than 45 days! Very excited for that trip :).

So much to say....

Yet, I don't know what I can say. See, I want to talk about the place I spend more than 8 hours a day. And how things are drastically changing. It is leaving me a bit anxious.

See my the environment is changing. Angry emails. Tert phonecalls. Drill sargeants for supervisors. At least they aren't my "direct" supervisors. But, the problem is shortly, I will be under the same roof as these people and it scares me, since I will not be shielded by the computer or the phone. Instead they will be able to see me and I them.

Which leads me to my anxiety over wearing the right thing. Shallow I know. But lets face it people, appearances matter. I've bought several new pants, tops, and a new coat. Seriously, spent money on clothing. Something I haven't had to do in 4 years in my casual environment. Can't wait to see the dry cleaning bills. I've actually bought Dr*ell to see if that is an option.

Which only antagonizes the fact that my pay is less than the lowest average. S*lary dot com is not always helpful. It makes you very aware of what you should be getting paid. But in this economy, who is to say what you should be getting paid? Oh did I mention that I barely get 10 days for vacation and the insurance and 4*1K matching is a joke.

My commute will be about 3 hours a day. Less time actually at home. And more money used to buy gas and audio books (bought several last night -- they were all on sale!). Will need to hire a cleaning person, since I will be home to sleep.

But what to do. The end of the day, I like what I do. Which is important. And I can't easily find another place that I would do what I am doing. I could go back to a firm. And I've started to think that might be the right option. Since I don't want to make a move unless I get a significant pay increase.

Suggestions? Thoughts?

I voted today, did you?

I got to their five minutes before 7 am. The line was out the door, but it moved quickly. And I feel great that it is over with. I did my part.

Now, the wait. So excited about this election. May God Bless America.

Where do I start?

The photos are from our short get-a-way to the Dallas/Fort Worth area to visit friends. We really had a great time. Actually, we got home last week. But, I did something to my stomach muscles while riding the horse. Who knew you had to "post" when you are "trotting"? Not this very beginner. The ride was loads of fun, and now I know. So the "next time" I will remember to "post," because that was a painful pull.

As a result, the exercising was put on hold. Actually, it was put on hold the week before, since work has been very busy. I did go for a walk today at lunch, and I hope to start that up again. However, that isn't promising since my co-worker retired on Friday. And we haven't hired a replacement. I fear that they may not, considering the CEO is desperately trying "to make numbers". So, my fingers are crossed. Did I tell you with her gone, I am the low man on the totem pole and in my experience, the person on the bottom generally has to do the work that "trickles" down? And that we are moving offices in less than 20 days? I anticipate that I will be doing the majority of the packing. My new commute will be twice as long.

So not looking forward to any of it.

But, I must remember that my anticipation is usually far worse than the reality. Must go back to work.

By the way, I am so excited about voting tomorrow! :)

Texas

Last weekend, T and I went to visit friends in Texas. We had a total blast. Thought I'd share some photos.

A must read.

If you haven't read this, you should.

Meme -- Tagged

By LoriBeth of The Road Less Travelled . Thanks, I haven’t done a Meme in a long time and ditto.

The way this works: I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers. (But, since I’ve seen this on many others blogs, consider yourself tagged if you haven’t been.)

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Demanding
5. Your father? Reliable
6. Your favorite thing? Peace
7. Your dream last night? Panic
8. Your dream/goal? Travel
9. The room you’re in? Office
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Hell
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Travelling
13. Where were you last night? Shopping
14. What you’re not? Perfect
15. One of your wish list items? Retirement
16. Where you grew up? Massachusetts
17. The last thing you did? Work
18. What are you wearing? Sweater
19. Your T.V.? Scifi
20. Your pet? Cats
21. Your computer? Useful
22. Your mood? Excited
23. Missing someone? Sister
24. Your car? Toyota
25. Something you’re not wearing? Sunscreen
26. Favorite store? Marshalls
27. Your Summer? Busy
28. Love someone? Yes
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Sunday

An important image.

After a conversation we had at my Aunt and Uncle's house, after a memorial for my cousin (their son) B. I came across this image and I wonder what he would think.

Go and click. It is one of the most important images I've seen in a long while.

It is amazing, what a few endorphines can do.

So, after my minor breakdown. I decided to take a lunch break and go to the gym. Heck, no one is here so I don't feel guilty for being in my gym clothing and sweaty.

Actually, 2.5 miles later, I feel really good.

A few people asked me about my progress. Well, I think I have been doing well. So far, after a week and only meeting the 10,000 goal once, I've lost two pounds. Not bad :).

Only eleven weeks before Aruba and Christmas.

I found the best Christmas card. It may trump the baby ones. Santa snorkeling. Exactly what I hope to be doing on that day.

So many things that I could write about instead...

but the one thing that seems to come out is my latest bought of infertility sadness.

Really, my blog represents me. And I've been to preoccupied to notice any infertility sadness for months. My feelings of happiness, well being, and contentment have been far out waying anything that is remotely sadness. Ironically, I thought I was ready to write about my depression of earlier in the year. How I got a speaking to by T, and somehow have been getting out of that funk.

But, just when I feel like I am doing better. I get whacked.

Four pregnancy and one birth announcements all at once. I guess the blows just get harder and harder. And the feeling of being left behind arises all over again.

Crap.

Just when I feel like I am getting over this bullshit, the evil forces of the world come to play.

Can't people just get pregnant and have children in the privacy of their own home and leave me out of it?

Err.

So frustrated.

Because if I were to get pregnant now, I would be angry. Rage would find a new meaning. But, it is still the one thing that I would love to experience. And that is the saddest truth of my life.

Good thing no one is in the office, since I am crying now. The tears are only several weeks late.