Self Sacrifice

For the last three years, I have been sacrificing. It is something that my parents have always done for me. They would sacrifice for my sister and I. And I think that I started to taking their lesson and practicing it for our maybe baby.

At first, it seemed to make sense. We would get pregnant immediately. Heck, everyone else in my family never had any problems. Both sides of the family quickly multiplied. I do come from a HUGE family. No problems or indications that T would have any problems either. (But we all know that my body is totally screwed up - good fertile genes or not.)

And I knew the kind of parent I wanted to be. The responsible kind. You know, the ones that live for their children. Always think of their kids before themselves. To be able to provide for them, but also to be home with them for some portion of their early childhood. To give them that which I didn't have - my Mom at home.

So, we saved. Paid off all our debt. Made sure that we could live off one salary.

A year passed. A second year passed. A third year fastly approaches.

And all this self sacrifice has not and will not bring us a child. If anything, it makes me miss myself. The self that has always been practical but a little whimsy. The side that wasn't always attached to my purse strings and would splurge without guilt. The part that didn't live for a maybe baby.

So, I made a promise to find her. I am no longer going to live to be a responsible parent to a maybe baby. Instead, I think I will become more self-centered. So I am starting to try to live for us and not for a future that may never happen. Realizing, with a twinge of guilt for my poor husband. I think I may have been living for our maybe baby since we got married. He deserves this too. To focus on the present and let the future that comes, come. While having as much fun as possible.

Wow...another lesson...infertility the double edge sword that continuously teaches me something. (I don't always like it.)

One long rant.

I want to cry. As of today, cycle day 32, I still have not gotten my period. If I ovulated, I should have ovulated somewhere around day 10, that is a 22 day luteal phase. We abstained this cycle, terror of having a litter was enough for me. And I am desperate for my period. So much so, my T has offered “to buy me a period, you know the kind with adhesive on back, he could stop at C*S” and compared my period to “a big long run on sentence.” His attempts to make me laugh, instead he got a smile and “Maybe.”

But truth be told, I am sad that I still haven’t gotten my period. See, PMS is kicking my butt. My temper is thru the roof. I need to constantly breathe and remind myself there isn’t a reason to pummel the person to an inch of his/her life. That it isn’t their fault that my hormones are going out of whack. And it makes me tired, that I need to do this constantly; from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. There is no release. Because when I don’t feel angry, I feel sad and about ready to cry. The tears are behind my eyes. I can feel them.

And the only release would be my period. It leaves me feeling so frustrated. Because my body can’t even do that right! It probably doesn’t help that the nurses have been calling me for over two weeks and asking if I’ve gotten my period. I went today for blood work, to figure out what they heck is going on. Turns out it is inconclusive; making me feel just that more defective.

And these moments make me wish that we were off this crazy rollercoaster, so that I can take the Pill. Unlike most people, to me the Pill is godsend. It regulated my cycle and I had no side effects. Actually my side effects were all positive. (I weighed less, it controlled my facial hair, etc.) And the best side effect, no PMS! Actually, before trying to conceive, I never new I had PMS. It became very evident about ten months after I was off the miracle pill. It was then that I felt this urge to hurt someone. Creating my defense mechanism of hiding from people. (Please don’t hate me if I don’t call/email you back right away.) During my Clomid cycles, it was probably masked by my craziness on that pill.

PMS makes me hate my body even more. I want to ignore it. But, how can you ignore your body? I want to walk away from it, leave it and not talk to it. And I am reminded that my passive aggressive nature is useless with dealing with infertility, because no matter what I do, my body refuses to leave me alone.

All of this is leaving my emotional, mental, physical reserves on empty. It is so time for a vacation. I am desperate for a non-reproductive related relaxation. I am desperate for my period to come, so that I truly can FORGET my reproductive organs for at least a week. To think of nothing more taxing than what my next drink will be.

I was doing so well before PMS. I was feeling like my old self. The future held so much potential with or without children. Positive that life would be OK. Thinking of what sports car I would buy. Planning for our vacation. (Did you know I made an appointment to dye my hair?) But, my body cannot leave me alone, it is hell bent on making me feel miserable.

Repeating, this too shall pass.

I hate PMS!

I would like to have a long guttural SCREAM. The kind associated with horror flicks, but not because I am being tortured, terrorized or harmed. But to get out my deep frustration with everything, the feeling that I am about to jump out of my skin, and to release the rage that my hormones are causing.

That scream or my period, might take my PMS away. I really want AF to visit soon, before we leave for our vacation. I could cry. Another PMS symptom. Why can't my reproductive system EVER play nice? And could my PMS be worse, because this would be the end of the eight follicle cycle?

I would like to go home, put on some gym clothes and sneakers, and walk for miles. So that I could at least be physically exhausted. Instead, I went for a fifteen minute walk. It helped a little, but I am still so tense.

Meme

Ok M tagged me. (Please note that I didn't link her because I think she has been wanting more anonymity.) Here goes nothing. My "I am"

I am like the wind; flighty and breeze; strong and fierce.
I am like Portuguese sweet bread; sweet, nurturing, and flaky.
I am a Christian, loving and loved.
I am a student at heart, always seeking knowledge and truth.
I am multi-national; equally pulled by heritage and nationality.
I am loyal and introspective; both are my best and worst qualities.
I am a Gemini, a living, walking, talking contradiction or maybe
I am just a woman.


Now the challenge:

I challenge all of you, and especially the following people to write their own "I am" poem and post it on their blog. I would like these people to tag 5 bloggers and so on. I cannot wait to read about who you are!

Sticky Bun
Ann
Aurelia
Ellen
Artblog

Now get to it....please. Can't wait.

Fantasies

Lately, I have been fantasizing about what our alternative life would be. See, I thought the logical progression of our life would include children. Then as time passed, the fantasy changed to having one child. And as time goes on, I am starting to fantasize about not having any. Don’t get me wrong, I still have the pregnant fantasy, especially during a hope-filled cycle. But, lately, in the last few weeks after our cancelled IUI, I’ve been fantasizing about what our life would be like sans children.

You may be SCREAMING that there are other options. But, after having a conversation with T, I realize that the main reason I want a child is to be reminded of my loved ones. I want the biological connection. Sharing of traditions is important, but most of my traditions are based on my heritage and nationality. I am totally getting off topic…so let me continue.

And the fantasy isn’t so bad. T and I could buy a smaller home. A town house even - as long as it has a guest bedroom, a backyard with room for a small garden, a dog, no restrictions on motorcycles and grills. We would have extra room – so T could have his office and I could have a craft/yoga/reading room.

We could go on vacation when we want. Finally get to Europe again. We could trade in my mommy car – I drive a C*mry – and indulge in some type of irrational fun car. Save for a vacation home on the Cape or in Florida. I would keep up with my Yoga classes and maybe start volunteering again.

It would be me, T, our kitties, and a new puppy.

For some reason, when I fantasize about this my hair is red :). It would be a whole life style change. I would no longer have to be practical for our maybe baby. Maybe get a masters degree in something or my paralegal certification, and refocus on my career, or consider opening a side business - instead of having the perfect job for being a mom. I could drink alcohol and coffee whenever I want. S*x would be fun again. I would be on the pill because the fantasy doesn’t include any surprise pregnancies. The chapter would be closed. It would be done. And I would instead be a mix of impractical and practical – after all I would still need to save for retirement :).

And I think our three IUIs may be it. Maybe my resolve to getting pregnant isn’t as strong as others. But, I think it would be better to get off this bumpy road than continuously go thru it. The bruises hurt. I know that I don’t have it in me. I don’t quit easily, but sometimes it is the best. It will be three years in September – isn’t that long enough?

But, I also think that if we end up with too many eggs again, and we are presented with IUI conversion to IVF - depending on the number of eggs, I may be willing. Mostly because my understanding of Catholic doctrine; only leaves me with a dilemma of what to do with the extra embryos. And I do know the options. I just need to work that out in my head, then talk to T again. The fantasy I think is so much more appealing, because these conversations can end. We can be less preoccupied with these dilemmas and start thinking about us again.

Start fantasizing with a possibility. The maybe baby brings too many ifs. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, it is still out of your hands. And it will be nice just to know and be content with what life has given us. And find different ways to challenge ourselves that can be accomplished with hard work.

This fantasy makes me wonder, am I normal? Is it time to maybe stop?

Take Action! **UPDATED**

From my cyber friend Kristin:

Legislation has just been introduced in the House of Representatives that would mandate health insurance coverage for the treatment of infertility for all Americans. Please use the following link from the RESOLVE website to contact your Representative ASAP and request support for this legislation. It will only take a minute; this is the link, it will automatically generate an email form letter to your Representative, based on your mailing address. Because your email address is also required, you will probably receive an email from RESOLVE thanking you for your support and providing a separate link that you can use to email your Senators as well. Simply click the checked off box (to un-check it) if you do NOT want to receive email updates from RESOLVE.

Please post this on your blog and any boards you post on. I think I will create a separate thread on this board to get the word out.

ETA: If the link doesn't work, just go to www.resolve.org and click on "Take Action" on the lefthand side. Then you'll see links for contacting congressmen regarding this legislation.

***

Also, if you need more information on your Representative of Senator, both the House and Senate websites are linked on my side bar. Please take a few minutes!

If you read in the comments below that Kristin is apologizing for providing this information too early, please ignore! I ask you to still make your opinions known now! I've actually worked in a Senator's local office (both as intern and as an aid). They want to know their constituents' opinions well before ANY bill is introduced. And IF we inundate them with enough requests to get involved - they may actually "officially" support the bill. This extra support may insure the approval of the bill and future approval in the Senate. So, PLEASE do send in your letters.

Also, if you can print them out and send them out via snail mail. This little extra step may actually move them to action. Unfortunatelly, they are still very moved by piles of mail on topics.

Random Good Thoughts

I know, how random is this? But, I've been thinking how depressing my blog sounds and there are several reasons for this depressing tone.

1. Infertility sucks.
2. The blog serves as my pensieve - outlet to get them all out. So that I can go on with business and be a reasonably happy person.
3. Too many thoughts are coursing thru my mind.

But, I don't want people to think that I bummed out all of the time. So, I will be putting in things to be grateful for every so often or more simply list some really good things. I did this several months back and that list I covered Hubby, the family, my kitties (furry children). You know the biggies which I am continously grateful for. So if this list seems "fluffy" sorry. However, they currently make me happy.

1. 25 days until our cruise.
2. Lost five pounds. Trying to continue the weight loss trend.
3. Fitting into my jeans. (For a solid week after the creation of the eight follies this was not possible.)
4. The rain has stopped and we will be having sunshine for several days to come.
5. Knowing AMAZING people both in real life and in cyberland.

All right, more serious posts to come. But today, the sun is shining and can't help but SMILE. And I get to go to yoga today!

Trumped

The shower was fine. Kept myself busy and my mind was with more important things. More family drama going on. Craziness really. Basically, my mother and her siblings are fighting about what to do with my Grandfather. Unfortunately, no one has asked him. And they are all thinking about themselves. But, the commotion may be all for nothing. Considering he is dying. Sadly, he doesn't have much time left. His doctor gives him at most a few months. He can't even go to his doctor, considering that movement may end his life.

Time to say our good-byes. All of the children have their bags packed. My Mom and Dad are leaving tonight to visit.

I'm praying that he isn't experiencing pain and holding on to the fact that he was joking with me on Sunday over the phone. Even in my broken Portuguese, he and I can always share a laugh. Sadly, I want to talk to him and I don't, because if Sunday is my last memory of him, well it would be a good one, and I would like to hold on to that.

How selfish am I, huh? To continue my selfish thought process, I really hope and pray that he doesn't pass away while I am on vacation. I want to be able to go to his funeral and if I am on the cruise ship; well I don't think there will be a way for me to travel to California.

Also, my parents haven’t gotten a chance to tell my sister how serious his situation is and my Mom has asked me to tell my sister today. My only younger sister, who lives in Nantucket. So I can't even do it in person. My sister who was so distraught over Bobby’s death. It is less than five months before her wedding. In the last year we lost Bobby and more than likely will loose our only biological remaining grandparent.

The title – a bit of a tribute to my Grandfather – he loves to play cards. And he most certainly trumped any silly feelings I was having. Ah…life does have that way of doing that doesn’t it?

A baby shower.

On Sunday, I get the pleasure of going to a baby shower with my mother and all of my mother's female extended family members. Yes, if you sensed sarcasm in that sentence, it was intended.

I would rather....clean toilets....drink fish oil....have a BFN.

But, it is for my cousin. A cousin who didn't tell me she was pregnant. A cousin that I am clearly not friends with. However, we are related. And in order to preserve what little relationship we have. I've decided to go.

Oh, yeah. I also decided to go, because it is easier to go than listen to my mother telling me "That I am a terribly selfish person who isn't happy for anyone because I can't have what they have. And that I have been completely insufferable since starting to take hormones."

What fun awaits me.....oh what fun.

Catholicism - Part II

If I consider infertility to be a medical condition, and I wouldn’t hesitate in doing a medical procedure to save my life, why then wouldn’t I consider IVF? This is a major question. Because I do consider infertility to be a medical condition. But, I physically cannot die from infertility. It does however effect me emotionally and mentally. It does make me feel sad, depressed in my darkest days, which has been known to cause physical ailments in others. But will I die? More than likely no. However, most medical procedures are not condemned by the Church. I can’t think of one that is, besides IVF. Could this be a case of men not recognizing the significance of not being able to procreate? A misunderstanding on their part.

Did you know that Catholic Nuns helped with the development of fertility drugs, specifically the nun’s urine? Serono Laboratories in Italy used the urine of post-menopausal nuns to prepare the pharmaceutical extract Pergonal, prescribed to stimulate fertility. Pergonal is gonadotropin which helps produce several eggs. The human menopausal gondotropins (hMG) consists of FSH and LH which is closely connected to human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) which is also used in ART procedures to release the eggs. How am I to interpret that involvement? It seems to me that they support ART more than they lead on. These drugs are also used for non fertilization procedures. The answer could be that, but they are more often used for IVF. It seems contradictor.

Do we pursue and then ask for forgiveness later? The answer to this is clearly no. As a Catholic, I believe that you are judged on what you know to be true and right. Therefore, if after my analysis, I don’t believe this is true or right. Then I cannot pursue and then ask for forgiveness. In this situation, it would be very tempting to say the end justifies the means, but it would be the opposite of what I am trying to do here. It would mean that infertility won again, and another piece of Dianne is lost.

And how do you raise a child in the Catholic Church when its doctrine believes that child was never to exist? How do you explain all of this to said child when the time comes?

Lastly, how do I ignore that desire which has been put in my heart by God? Because I don’t believe it could be put in my heart by any other.

I will be answering all these subtopics in separate posts. Mostly because there is so much to each of them and I don’t want to overwhelm myself. Well, I don’t want to overwhelm myself any more than I all ready am.

Thanks ladies for reading along my thought process, please do continue to comment. This is something that I want to talk thru with several people in real life as well as in Blogland. Getting all of those thoughts and opinions may help me figure out my own opinion for my situation.

It really saddens me how much infertility takes away from a person. It threatens each and every piece of the being. And I feel like I am constantly battling to keep the original me in one piece, and this piece is a big part of me. I don't want to reshape it, unless I truly believe it needs to be. I don't want to loose this piece of me because of my useless body.

Catholicism - Part I

A long time ago, Father Mike told me “Catholicism is a religion, not a cult.”

I can’t remember what he was talking about exactly. But, I do remember it being about that the hierarchy of Catholicism states many things as doctrine that we as members of the religion are not required to believe, if we can logically and reasonably come to another conclusion, using our faith as our guide.

Now, this is hard to do. But there are many things that I don’t blindly believe in that the Catholic Church believes in. Because, many of their doctrines, all though created in the name of God, are created by humans, men in particular. And as time goes by many of those decisions have been recanted. Lets not forget human follies completed in the name of the Church such as the Spanish Inquisition or the Crusades. The Catholic hierarchy is not infallible.

There are many other issues that I sometimes believe fall into this category, such as women not being allowed to be ordained ministers (Did you know that in the early Church women were allowed to be deacons? These women were granted powers of Baptism etc.), or how priests are not allowed to marry (Did you know this was allowed in the early Church and banned due to children and property issues?), or that unborn children may be in a continuous purgatory. (How the heck do they know? These children are pure. You can’t get any more pure?)

So, for last few months, I have been struggling with IVF. And I go back and forth – completely undecided on my position. See, I am trying to use my faith, the Holy book, and my knowledge to reason a decision on this complicated topic. Also, please note that I do not hold any judgment on anyone who uses IVF or is successful with IVF. I am just trying to figure things out for myself. I am trying to remain Catholic and while “pushing(ed) myself to the limits” as Baby Blues said.

See that is my struggle. How do I push myself to the limits, while remaining true to my faith? And do I believe in what my faith teaches is correct on this topic? How do I not loose my faith too? Infertility takes so much away as is.

I thought I had the solution with 3 IUIs and a GIFT. But outside groups are FORCING me to reconsider. Our secondary insurance has made it a requirement for us to complete 3 injectible IUIs on top of the Clomid IUI which we already have completed. Then my RE is refusing to pursue GIFT. Her statistics show that IUIs are more successful. So, she has almost flatly refused to pursue GIFT. And she is the only RE for our primary insurance network – meaning they use no other RE for the entire Boston area. Leaving us little choice about switching doctors, but it may be what we need to do in the end anyway.

But, see I am not sure how I feel about IVF. I thought I had it straight in my head. I wasn’t willing. Because the embryos would be children in my mind and that it would be too difficult to go thru all of that and have it be unsuccessful. It would only solidify my feelings of a defective body. Make me hate my own body more. All things that are not good in my opinion. Not to mention, my fear, that I may loose my mind in the process.

However, yesterday, when the nurse called to tell me I would have the choice of IVF or cancellation. I thought maybe I should consider this more closely. But, I quickly said out loud, “IVF is not an option right now for us.” I was thinking, what if it is our only option. What if, I am such a good responder that this will happen continuously? What if, IVF will be our only option? Leaving me with no choice but to truly think this completely. It was no longer something I could examine later if need be. It was a right now question.

So my thought process began:

First, the Church approves of drugs for ovulation and procedures that allow for increasing your odds without fertilization. (Please note I know that this is an over simplification of the doctrine.) So, they are reinforcing their belief that life starts at conception. However, as many of us know, fertilization may happen without implantation ever occurring. So, are they insinuating that there is more mysticism with fertilization, than implantation, or the life itself? Is the thought process that life is started at fertilization and therefore medical science shouldn’t have the same privilege? Is this thought process established to prevent confusion with pro-choice doctrine?

This point, perplexes me to no end. Personally, I do believe that life is created at fertilization. But, I also know that if we are lucky enough to get fertilized embryos, that is no guarantee of implantation. I truly believe, that God’s hand is involved with implantation and maybe that this is actually where life is started. This thought process reinforces my belief that children conceived thru IVF, are gifts from God because implantation is not a guarantee.

Secondly, the Bible states “Go forth and multiply.” That statement in itself leads me to believe that we should have children. But it doesn’t talk about how to do it. Granted at the time of the Bible, there weren’t other ways to get it done. Lets not forget that the wedding mass asks specifically if the couple is willing to accept children into their lives? Which begs the question, if we are to be willing to accept children, wouldn’t it be our responsibility to pursue them?

In the Bible, there are so many stories about women who struggled to get pregnant or who had womanly issues. Such as Sarah, or the woman who was healed by touching Jesus’ robe. In those stories, God helped them succeed in obtaining their child or healed their medical condition. But, if we have medical interventions to help us, wouldn’t it be wise to take it? Especially since the mysticism of conception is still there. It is still very much in God’s hands. Wouldn’t it be negligent not to take this opportunity given to us by medical science to our advantage? Isn’t their knowledge, granted to them by gifts given to them by God? Their intelligence, comprehension and will to want to know how to help. Aren’t those gifts?

Part II to come later….my brain currently hurts. I obviously have more questions than answers here.

Try 8 follicles.

I want to cry. The nurse called to tell me that my E2 is 1466 and I have 8 follicles. Our choices were to cancel or go with IVF. I am not ready for IVF.

Cancelling is the only solution at this point. And, we will need to take the next cycle off, to let my ovaries heal themselves.

Why does this have to be so hard?

***

To answer Aurelia, I think it isn't an option. Considering coasting - from what I've read - requires putting the patient on a lower dosage. They put me on 37.5 yesterday, and my E2 still increased by 500. So, I don't think that is a possibility. Also, the follicles were all very close in size 3 at 17mm (the three that I saw), 3 at 14mm, and 2 at 13mm.

Day 7 - E2 at 975

All right my resident experts, should I be concerned? My E2 is 975, it is Day 7. I've been directed to bring down the Gonal-f to 37.5 and to come in tomorrow for blood and ultrasound.

Now, the reason I am a little concerned is because when I tried to figure out what that number means. I got this from INCIID:

What should E2 numbers ideally be during an injectables cycle?
You should see 150-200 per mature follicle. (Note: E2 tends to be somewhat lower on pure FSH cycles. You may use this as a guideline, but your physician will be your best guide in this case.) It ideally should be 100 or over after three days of LH-containing injectables. It ideally should be 100 or over after 4-5 days of injectable recombinant FSH. No chart can show ideal E2 levels since E2 varies per number and size of the follicles.

If I am doing my math correctly, that could mean 4.8 to 6 mature follicles. It could mean a whole bunch of immature follicles too and I won't know for sure until the ultrasound. But, either way it explains why my ovaries have been bugging me.

But, I am concerned that if they have too many mature follicles that they will cancel this IUI. I mean four is manageable and to be honest would be the ideal situation. Considering one of those little guys SHOULD get fertilized and maybe just maybe implant. But, SIX, I am not looking for a litter here. Two or three I would welcome in heart beat. But, SIX!

Did I tell you about the nightmare I had when I first started taking clomid. Well, keep in mind that I was also experiencing killer cramps at the time. Basically, I dreamed that I had sextuplets and all I kept on saying "But, I only took clomid." Now, I know that Gonal-f increases the chances of multiples etc. But, for twins and such. Not sextuplets.

Thoughts, experiences, etc. are greatly appreciated. Even if it is, breathe Dianne you will know more tomorrow. But I am all ready repeating that to myself :).

P.S. I also know that I am overreacting. To be honest, writing this has made me feel more in control. Freak out over. But, I would still really like to hear your personal experiences. Thank you!

**UPDATED**

Samantha asked a really good question. The E2 number of 975 was after four days of the G*nalf and I was on CD 7.

Also, did go in for the ultrasound this morning. Turns out that it looked like I have at least three mature follicles and a bunch of little ones. I will post more later once I get the news. But it does seem that the IUI will be happening this week.

Which leaves me pondering whether or not to do our 3rd IUI immediately after. Because we leave for our trip at the end of May. And presuming that if this cycle is over by the 15th, we could do the injectibles and have our 3rd IUI before our trip. But do I really want to be on a 2ww on vacation? And do I want to stress myself out with all of this timing. Considering the IUI would be presumable on the two days before we leave.

OK - praying that this is it and I no longer have to ponder so much. Yes, yes, yes I know that if this is it - then I will only be pondering other things. But those other things seem like green pastures at this point.

The Needle

I never knew that I would feel this way about injectibles. I never knew that a needle would feel so significant.

When I got my box of drugs on Thursday, I felt excited. Happy that they got here on time and I was able to start the G*nal-f. A new adventure to our maybe baby.

But when I finally got home and openned the box. I started pulling out all of the supplies. Syringes, gauze, the Gonal-f pen, the HCG shot, I started to feel petrified.

My T called at the exact moment of my utter freak out. He was able to talk me down. To comfort me, because he was going to do my first shot. The next words, but I won't be home on Friday night in time. Call your sister.

My immediate thought, call my sister? To give me a fertility drug? Tried to breathe, still feeling abject terror. So, I got off the phone with my T and called little sis. Trying to make this as non-chalant as possible. "Hey will you give me a shot?" My sister, "Sure." Fiance in the background, "WHAT? You are going to let her near you with a sharp instrument?" Me, "What choice do I have?"

Well, the thoughts going thru my head. I am a total coward. So many of the women on the boards or blogland are able to do it. And yes, I've always admired them for their ability to put their big girl pants on. So, that is what I need to do, when it becomes necessary.

My first shot on Thursday night, T was able to do it for me. It went off without a hitch. Except for when I started to giggle from being nervous. Giggling with a needle inside of you, is NOT a good idea. But, no bruise. T is good at this needle thing, PHEW, one down.

Friday night, I go to my parents. Yes, that is where I had to go for my sister to give me the shot. See she was visiting from a small island off the shore. (She didn't just fly in for this, thankfully she was coincidentally coming in.) I prep the G*nalf and she watches the video. She performs it without incident - except I started to giggle again. (Meanwhile my Mother and Father in the background, I can't believe all of this.)

Saturday night, T tells me that I should try to do it at least once. Just so that I know I can do it. His reasoning, that he was not going to be home on Tuesday night and didn't know if work would prevent him from being home on time.

We went out for Mexican, I indulged and had a margharita.

Came home. Prepped the needle and when T was in the bathroom. I put my big girl's pants and gave myself the shot. I put my fear a side and just did it. Then, once it was done. I wanted to cry.

Because, this is NOT how I thought us becoming parents would be. I did NOT think that we would have to do ALL of this. And it was VERY real at that moment. I am infertile, my body is defective, and this is NOT a sure shot that we will get pregnant. Even with all of our efforts.

It made me so sad. To think that it may never happen.

It also made me feel resentful to all the people who get easily pregnant and take it for granted; the pregnancy, the child(ren), being a parent. The whole entire thing that I so very much want.

And maybe with time, the pain will go away. I'm not sure if that will be a good thing or not.

Some of my heroes.

In my life, I've been blessed to know three people who were young and dying of a terminal illness. They were my heroes. An inspiration because of not how they died, but because of how they lived.

All of them - Denise, Brian and Bobby - were courageous, intelligent, mature, caring, compassionate, and full of wisdom.

If they were concerned for their own mortality, they never showed it. They were always more concerned for the people left behind. A wisdom that they were lossing their lives, but that it was going to be hard for the ones left behind. Their loved ones. And they always seemed to care more about how we were going to handle it, than how they were handling dying.

It is inspirational. It is an example of how I would like to be. But I know that I am not.

So as someone who has been left behind and who remembers them. I try to continue their memory thru their example. See because two of them tried to keep us busy, to give us a productive way to mourn, by asking to continue their memory in supporting organizations or programs.

(A few weeks before Denise died, she asked to support organ donation. I have. Bobby asked to continue our support of the Brain Tumor Society.)

Ultimately, I feel that by doing what they asked of me; I'm given an opportunity to remember these amazing people and to help others who battle what they battled. Who are more than likely also more concerned for the ones left behind. Because I sincerely hope that their are no more left behind.

Shuffling feet - hopeful look on face. Clearing throat.

I apologize for posting about this again. However, this is important to me. Any money that I am able to raise in Bobby's memory - well - it makes me feel closer to him. (I will post more about this thought process later.) So despite the fact, I KNOW that all of you are stretched when it comes to cash - well if you can spare $5 and if a hundred people can spare it, that totals $500. Which leads me to ask again.

***

As some of you may know, I have recently lost my cousin and friend Bobby. A strong and courageous 21-year-old to an eleven-year battle with brain cancer. Bobby his immediate family and friends have participated in this event for the past several years and raised money as individual riders. This year we have created a team of over 25 family members and friends to ride this May In Memory Of Bobby. We have named the team Bobby's Bikers. Our goal is to raise $10,000.00 this year, as of today we have raised $4,925.00. Our goal of $10,000.00 would double what we raised all together as individual riders last year. As a family, we feel that it is our duty to continue to raise awareness and do our part to help find a cure. We cannot get our Bobby back but we can help someone from losing one of his or her loved ones, or someone you may even know.

And if you are asking how does this effect me? I would like for you to think of the following:

1. If you don't know of anyone with a brain tumor as of yet - chances are that you will in your lifetime.
2. Statistics show that over 200,000 people are diagnosed with some type of a brain tumor each year.
3. There are over 120 different types of brain tumors. This makes treatment very difficult. Whether it is malignant or benign it can be just as injurious or life threatening.
4. These tumors are the leading cause of cancer deaths in children under the age of 20. The numbers of deaths have surpassed acute lymphoblastic leukemia.
5. It is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in male adults ages 20-29 and the fifth leading cause of cancer deaths in female adults ages 20-39.

Does this information surprise you? Despite all of the statistical numbers and all the deaths,brain cancer research is severely under funded and most of the public remains unaware of the magnitude of this disease. The cure rate for most brain tumors is greatly lower than that of many other types of cancer.

Helping us raise awareness and participating in The Ride For Research is important.

Please help us reach our goal by making a donation, any donation big or small is greatly appreciated. Remember, no donation is too small and all donations are tax
deductible. You may make any donation online or you may use this form to mail it in. However, the online version of donation does allow for annonymous donations.

Thank you in advance for your generous help, and remember you are helping a good cause.

Sincerely, Dianne

Approved

Yes, it is a small miracle, but the insurance has approved the 3 injectible IUIs in two days. And I am in complete and total shock. We will not have to sit out this cycle. (Well, if the online pharmacy calls me today, and I am able to get my drugs by tomorrow.)

I hate all this precise timing - no room for error. It makes me nervous.

Also, have any of you been on G*nal-f? If so, what are the pleasant (said with irony) side effects of the drug?

Hi Aunt Flo

Spotting this morning. Oh well. Hoping that the insurance approval is in before she comes for real, so that we don't need to wait two whole cycles to do IUI #2 with G*nal-f.

Mental Notes:
Nausea is possible without a pregnancy during the Luteal Phase. (Clomid/HCG - DPI9)
Luteal Phase is longer with the HCG shot - approximately 17 days.
Infertility SUCKS.

No word!

No word from prespective buyer of our condo.
No word from Aunt Flo - not even a knocking.
No word from maybe baby - 4 negative pregnancy tests as of today.

About the condo, I am not so concerned. He called my sister's friend, told him that he was very interested, and just trying to figuring out money and how to get his money back from a offer he had made. Since this was on Saturday, I am assuming, he may not have been able to get his cash over the weekend which is causing the delay. Either way, I am calling him tonight. Unfortunatelly, today is a holiday here in Massachusetts - Marathon Monday.

About Aunt Flo and Maybe Baby: It is cd30 or dpi16. And on a medicated cycle, my luteal phase is consistently 14 days. However, this is my first time that I used a trigger shot and in my hormonally imbalanced body, that alone may cause for a longer luteal phase and a pointless nausea.

So, it leaves me simply wanting to know. I've called the REs office and asked for a blood test. And if the HCG does cause my Aunt Flo to be late. Well, it could be a very good thing if my insurance approves the next step before she comes.

So, either way, I am praying for good things :). But when am I not?

If you first don't succeed, try, try, again

Took the test, and it was most definitely negative. One of two things could be happening: 1. It was to early to test and there might be a good reason that the RE doesn't test before DPI 17. or 2. This IUI was a bust.

But either way, I am still nauseous. (Really I have been pondering where or not this is in my head. But, I don't think it would wake me up out of a solid sleep, if it were in my head. But who knows.)

And no signs of my period. So time will tell. Again, I am being taught patience.

So stay tuned, I will be peeing on sticks until Tuesday :). And if it is negative, well we still have a few more tricks up our sleeves don't we?

Can't sleep.

Too anxious with anticipation.

Tomorrow I can test and still no real signs of Aunt Flo. I am full on optimisitic and hopeful Dianne. Very dangerous. It is DPI 13.

I am also excited because a friend of a friend of my sister's may have helped us out tremendously with selling our condo. Turns out this kid (young twenty-something) is looking for a two bedroom in our town. Literally, got the call about his interest yesterday, and he came over not ten minutes later! He seemed very interested and we are very keen on selling the condo especially without a realtor! Lets say this together, WOW! Praying it works out.

***

It is almost 6:00 am, my poor boy kiddy is constipated. And per the internet, I should try half a can of wet food. Lets hope that fixes my poor Sam. He is my sweety. (Everything can't be perfect!) LOL!

So true!

Your Mind is 67% Cluttered

Your mind is quite cluttered. And like most clutter, it's a bunch of crap you don't need. Try writing down your worst problems and fears. And then put them out of your mind for a while.

How Cluttered is Your Mind?

Me Normal? LOL!

You Are 60% Normal

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal You're like most people most of the time But you've got those quirks that make you endearing You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/hownormalareyouquiz/">How Normal Are You?

Anyone else feel this way? *UPDATED*

So, it is dpi 10, for the last day and half, I've been feeling nauseous. And the only reason I can come up with - NOT READY TO ENTERTAIN OTHER REASON. NOT TO MENTION THAT IT WOULD BE MUCH TOO EARLY TO GET MORNING SICKNESS. - is the HCG shot.

Has anyone else gotten nauseous with the HCG shot around dpi 9? (But, did not feel any nausea before.)

Also, does anyone know if you can take a home pregnancy test, if you took an HCG shot? I've read in a couple of places that you can, if you wait until 14 days after the shot. I just want to prevent a false negative :(. Any personal experience out there.

***

Thanks Aurelia. I took your advice and I took a HPT this morning. It was negative. So the HCG is definitely out of my system. And I don't expect to test again until Saturday - especially I am still nauseous. Honestly, if I didn't have this struggle of drugs versus pregnancy in my mind. I wouldn't be that bad. Because afterall, if you don't mind, it don't matter. :), I crack myself up!

Baby why don't we go!

T and I booked our vacation today. A week long cruise to the Caribbean. It has been a while since our last one. And I cannot WAIT! So excited. Something to look forward to, that has nothing to do with babies.

Sand between my toes, service on the cruise ship, excellent food, utter and total relaxation.

In less than two months, we will be in paradise.

Easter

It used to be about enjoying a spiritual occasion and good food; seeing friends and family. Instead, now it has turned to another holiday that I sometimes would rather avoid.

Usually, it would be a bigger festivity. It would have consisted of mass, dinner with my mother-in-law, T’s step-father, my parents, my sister and fiancé, an aunt, her boyfriend, and son. After the enormous dinner with too much desert, we would go to visit former church friends. (Now we are just friends.) People that we don’t see often, but love to see when we can.

But, this year, Easter will be quiet. It will consist of dinner with only my husband, my mom and dad, no mass and no visiting of church friends.

Dinner will be quiet because my mom didn’t feel like throwing a big event. And I can’t blame her. My mother-in-law and T’s step-father were invited, but they declined. So my mom took the opportunity to make it just for us. My sister and fiancé will be joining the festivities later in the evening.

And I declined on the visit with church friends. I said it was because of being at work super early the next day, which is completely true. I plan on being at work on Monday at 8:00 am, since I need to leave work before 11:00 am to go to an RE appointment, and hopefully returning to work by 2:00 pm to finish the day. But there was more of a reason that I didn’t want to go.

See, these friends don’t know of our infertility struggles. While they are extremely sweet, caring, compassionate people, I feel pulled as to whether or not to share. Why? Well, I am not ashamed of it. But, I don’t want to open Pandora’s Box either. See these friends are VERY Catholic. And while I know that they believe we should procreate – this is the same friend that told me that there is only one reason to get married and that is to have children – I don’t know if I would have to explain myself about ART. Because as we know, ART is a sensitive topic for Catholics since the Church has strict guidelines on what they determine to be acceptable procedures.

You may be wondering why this would be more of an issue this year than prior years? The reason is that the hosts are very proud grandparents of two beautiful boys. And my best friend S, who will be in attendance, is six months pregnant. (We were both married in the same year – 2002.) Now, I love to see those beautiful boys, and I am very happy for S. But, I don’t want that question to be directed at me. Especially since I don’t know if I should deflect it with sarcasm or provide an honest answer “sometimes it isn’t up to us, but to God.”

And I am reminded that I am 50/50 in the closet about our infertility. The people that know and ask about it; know everything there is to know. The people who don’t know; know nothing. Anyone who has guessed, I come clean with. Others who don’t bring it up with me, and I know that they know because my mother has an enormous mouth, I don’t bring up with them. (Mostly my mother’s family which only increases the rift between us, because they won’t talk to me about the most difficult thing that I’ve ever experienced in my life.)

All of this makes my head hurt. I wonder if it would be best for everyone to know. To be open. To gain support from real life people. To ask for their prayers. But, it is pride that makes me keep it a secret with the majority of people. I don’t want pity; I want empathy. And I can’t control how people react to my infertility, I can only control how I react to it.

Instead, I avoid these situations, so that I don’t have to make a decision. So, that I can put it off a little while longer. Yet, I know that I will need to make these decisions soon. Since, I assume they will be at S’s baby shower in May. I refuse to miss it. Due to the event, it will be a baby conversation day. But, I also know and somewhat comforted, that I will probably be too preoccupied with what is coming out of my mom’s mouth to actually socialize with anyone. I have the knowledge that my mother may have outted me to these very same people and I am fretting all for nothing.

The funniest part of this all is that I have decided that regardless of who asks about our maybe babies that I will be honest with them. Also, if we are ever blessed with a baby or two, that I will be honest that we used ART to conceive. I don’t feel ashamed about it. I will feel like we got lucky using every means necessary.

All of this makes me feel like a huge contradiction and there is a very good reason I see a counselor. Err…my head really hurts.

Cautious Optimism

The last few days, I've been struggling. Trying to figure out how I feel. I don't feel exceptionally hopeful. I have hope - but it isn't overwhelming. It is being kept in check with doubt.

(The last few nights have been plagued with dreams of my period showing up at any moment. Nice thought, huh?)

It is weird place to be. Which leaves me wondering is this cautious optimism? It feels like ambivalence. Because I do care what happens, I want to believe that this is our cycle. To be truthful, I think we at least have learned somethings and this is giving me comfort in general. And it is a weird feeling. Because, I think, I will be OK with either answer this cycle. This bothers me, since I feel as if I should have more hope. More of an inclination about this cycle. More faith that it worked. It is just an odd place to be.

But, when you think that we had great sperm counts - over 50 million - between the two IUIs and at least one good egg. The odds have to be in our favor, right? At Infertility Blog, the Doc is ironically talking about IUIs. This is what he had to say. Basically, that as long as there are 13 million you are in good shape. And I think to myself what if you have almost 4 times that number. Does that mean we have more of a chance?

So I am stuck. I want to hope, to believe, to be faithful that it happened for us this cycle. I'm not Irish and I am not lucky. And back of my mind, the statistics that at best IUIs give you a 20% shot hover in my head. I feel grounded when I think I should be in the clouds. I think this is a good thing.

However, I am worried that the mysticism of our egg and sperm meeting, and creating life, requires me to believe. Like Tinkerbell, you have to believe in fairies for them to live. I wonder if I am doomed because my belief is so much weaker since coming to terms with my infertility. I have become a realist, to a fault. And I simply do not have the belief we WILL become parents. I have the belief that we WILL be OK, with or without a child. It will just be a different dream than what we original thought for ourselves. But, that we need to try to give our maybe baby an opportunity.

Leaving me with the thought that maybe I should borrow my mother's rose colored glasses, wish on several shooting stars, make a wish on a wishbone, and believe that this is our cycle.

The song on the radio after IUI.

Gravity by J.o.h.n. M.a.y.e.r

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away
Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much aint twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees

(repeat)

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
Oh gravity has taken better men than me you see now how can that be?
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Keep you me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Ohh… where the light is!

April Fool and Christmas Eve

Today I had my first IUI. Per the nurse, there is one good follie and sperm count was gorgeous. I will be going back in tomorrow for the second IUI.

And the only foolish thing that I will allow myself to do this cycle is the conception calendar. More out of pure curiousity. Result is December 23/24th. Christmas. Wouldn't that be a hoot? For on April Fool's Day I got inseminated with a possible Christmas baby! For some reason that is funny to me.

I feel releaved that the shot wasn't as bad as I anticipated. I do admit, I was petrified of it. And T had to do it. I just wasn't prepared for the utter fear I had to that needle. Maybe it wasn't that I hadn't had weeks of preparation - Maybe it was because it wasn't in my original protocol - Maybe it is that I have a fear of needles. But what ever it was, I had no idea that I would be that scared.

Also, unfortunately, T had to work today and he has a meeting tomorrow that he can't get out of. So that left me going in alone today with a repeat solo performance tomorrow. So I am thankful for the nurse today. She was heavenly sent. One of the warmest people I've met at the office. She sat in with me for a while, answered all of my questions, and helped make me relax. So all together, it wasn't a bad experience. But it did sting more than I thought it would - both physically and mentally.

Because, as I laid there, I realized that we infertiles are so invested in our maybe babies from the beginning. We know so much. We've all ready been into the doctor's office for four days for blood draws and empty womb shots, we know the exact number of follies and sperm count, all before the actual insemination. We know so much, except if we will actually get pregnant or if we will actually get that baby home. No wonder it hurts when the cycles don't work, when the pregnancies fail. By the time we get a negative, we are emotionally invested, never mind after we get a positive.

We know what we want, why we are there, and how rewarding or disappointing it will be. Yet, we still do it. And I realize that G-d must give infertiles some extra strength, some extra courage, some extra fortitude. Because this thing called infertility isn't for the weak hearted, it isn't for the easily discouraged, and it isn't for the unfaithful.

But, it also has taught me that you can be petrified, want your husband to be present, and still be strong. It has taught me to be broken, need your friends, and find your way out of despair. And it also has taught me that nothing can break me permanently. That I have the fortitude and people in my life to get me out of any dark whole.

Yet, I hope and pray that this is our cycle. So that this can be over. So that infertility can become only a part of me, instead of what feels like all of me.

I am grateful, that we have learned things this cycle, which renews my hope. That if this cycle doesn't work, we will have more knowledge for the next cycle. More of a clue to get over that chasm with a baby in our arms. To make it all worth it.

The ten minutes were over.

I give it -71/2! *UPDATE* Make that an 8, 61/2 and 6!

Drum role please……one 18mm follicle! Yeah, I have one, that large, and it is only cycle day 13!

The nurses have taken blood everyday since the false positive of Wednesday. And no word, as of yet, if I have surged. But, can tell you the I used an OPK last night, and where it gave me a faint line, it wasn’t a positive. I don’t think that the clinic has given up hope of me “naturally” surging and releasing the little eggy. But, they did put a script in for me for the HCG injection.

And I sit here excited, that it seems that our first IUI will be happening in the next few days. Also, wondering if our issue has been over matured eggs, because like I said before the earliest I’ve surged is on cycle day 15. The earliest on Clomid, cycle day 18. My first cycle, I surged on or about cycle day 30 something. So, the fact that I have an 18mm follicle on cycle day 13 – well I think that may be indicating something.

I sit here with some renewed hope. Wow, she came quickly.

If you ever wondered what those measurements for follicles meant, check this out. Did you know that they graded them? I give mine a 71/2! :)

*****

Talked to the nurse. Turns out that there are three follicles - a 20mm (it grew!), a 13mm, and a 12mm. But, still no surge. Must go back to the REs office tomorrow. They have ordered the HCG shot for me. Must also pick up tomorrow from the pharmacist.

Err...I've never done that before. Any good sources on how to inject yourself?

Feeling a little nervous. A nervous excitement. Really hope that they come out naturally, but I seriously doubt it. My body likes the assistance of crazy drugs!

Adventures of the Crazy Pill - Part II

This morning my super duper expensive ovulation predictor told me it detected my LH surge, the pre-curser to ovulation. It is only cycle day 11. My eyes nearly popped out of my head because not only is it cycle day 11, but I NEVER have detected a surge earlier than cycle day 15 with or without drugs. So, I called the nurse when I got to my car and went on my merry way to work.

I was ½ mile away from work, when she returned my call and told me to come in for blood work before 9:30 am. It was 8:40 am, during rush hour traffic, and I was 22 miles away. So, I took the back roads, cut thru several towns, caught the highway at a less congested spot, and then speeded. I got to the REs office with 10 minutes to spare, before the courier took all the blood away to the lab!

The woman who took my blood, put a little Band-aid on my arm. It wasn’t enough. I have blood all over my right sleeve. I did stop at a grocery store for more Band-aids and a Tid* p*n. Turns out that those pens don't take out blood. Oh well. It only spreads it around and increases the stain.

Got back to work by 10:30 am!

It was crazy, and the craziest part. Blood indicated that I didn't experience an LH surge. The machine screwed up, even though it never had before.

Tomorrow’s plan, back to the RE for ultrasound and more blood.

FYI – on the weight loss – it is only temporary. At least has been in the past. I tend to loose some water weight at the beginning of the cycle while taking Clomid and then gain it all back plus some that I can’t get rid of no matter what I do. But for now, I will appreciate fitting comfortably into ALL of my clothing.

And my craziest thought during the last 10 days, my mother sounds like Bor*t, especially when she says "Very nice." So much so, that I couldn't not talk to her on Tuesday, fingernails on a chalk board.

Aggression - What aggression?

Well, T and I have decided to pursue selling the condo - we are meeting with the Realtor later in the week. (Need to finalize that appointment.)

My first order of business is to clean the condo - again - very thoroughly. At one point I thought of hiring someone to do it. Considering I ALWAYS hurt my back and my allergies are very bad after which kicks my asthma into high gear. But, after feeling a bit itchy in my skin, I think the answer is to pour myself into the cleaning.

Sadly, I am almost done with the last baby blanket and I still don't know of the 6th, 2007 baby. And I don't know why this bugs me - but when I say this - all of the babies in the last two years have come in threes. And I want to know the sixth - because we have five! And my crazy infertile mind helps me make the calculations that would make us the sixth.

Lastly, I've lost five pounds while on the Clomid. The night sweats have been a killer this time around. Maybe it is REALLY working. Ultrasound is on Thursday, and I've started to POAS for the fancy ovulating monitor. Time will tell.

Adventures on the Crazy Pill

I start taking the crazy pills tonight. You may be asking, what is the crazy pill? That is my not so affectionate name for Clomid; because it makes me loopy, forgetful, impatient, and mean. There is no way around it, I am not myself while on it.

The pill gives me insight to people who suffer from mental ailments. Because while on it, I believe I am slightly off. Actually, I know that I am slightly off. Most of the time I’m on it, I wonder is this me or crazy pill. None of my feelings are my own. I question every emotion, thought, because I don’t feel myself. I feel out of control. Add to it, I also usually feel nauseous, and dehydrated; and get night sweats, headaches and cramps. On a good point, I loose a little weight!

Can you tell how much I am looking forward to taking this wonder drug? And I do consider it to be a wonder drug, because it did start my ovaries down the road of functioning – remember I’ve ovulated in every cycle (four cycles all natural) since first taking it. (Granted we have no idea what kind of ovulation, but we will know this cycle.)

So, what is a girl to do?

1. Seek therapy: Went yesterday! Scheduled another appointment for April 10th. Very much closer than the usual monthly appointments.
2. Continue Yoga: Went last night! Unfortunately, next weeks class is cancelled, major BUMMER. Maybe a good excuse to go for a message or pedicure.
3. Keep plugging away at relaxation practice: Bought some music and CD clock/radio to help me. And also must start doing twice daily – currently only do it once a day.

Not sure if this will help cope with crazy pill – but a girl can try.

My Mom, makes me cry.

Today, I went to see the counselor. And when she asked, “How are you doing?” I answered with a knee jerk, “I’m fine.” But then remembered where I was, and quickly added, “There is so much going on, that I don’t know where to start.”

And I started to tell her about: the BFN, the insurance application, the confrontation with RE’s office, the ring-a-mar-roll of the insurance, the self imposed deadline, the up and coming baby showers, the bridal shower, etc. All the stress which has become my life.

But, I was only emotional when we talked about my Mother which came up with my cousin’s and friend’s baby showers.

Yesterday, I went over my parent’s house for dinner. T was working late, and they were reimbursing me for the stamps and other incidentals of my sister’s save the dates. So we were chatting. Reminded them that my friend S’s baby present should be coming to their home soon. (Basically, getting things mailed to my apartment is a disaster, so I often just send it to them.) The look came.

My Mother has a look of pain that crosses her face every so often. I first noticed it when we were shopping at a craft shop for my sister’s bridal shower. She saw a pregnant lady, and the look crossed her face. I noted it, and didn’t say anything. Last night, it hit her face again. Especially when we were talking about my cousin’s pending baby, and her baby shower in April. The look was full on. And I noted it again.

What hurts, is that she can’t recognize that if she is in pain, I must also be in pain. Instead of being on our own corners of pain, we could be bonding over it. We could be commiserating over the feelings of being left behind, our longing for a wanted child which may never come, and our sadness which is my infertility.

But, I am reminded that she isn’t wired that way. And I am reminded that to pursue getting emotional support from her, will only end badly, which saddens me. Another thing to get over.

On a side note, the counselor asked me if there is any way I could get out of the baby showers. Because I told her that my cousin's is causing me some anxiety. I told her, that I can't miss either. My cousin and my relationship could not stand the weight of me not going, she would take it personal. And for my friend, I want to be there. She has been a great support to me during this saga, that I wouldn't miss it for the world.

The part I didn't tell her, is that I am doing some things which will get me in the right frame of mind. Tells which I just noticed myself. When I am going to an event, which either is coming after a bitter BFN (even possibly coming) or makes me nervous. I try to find a generous gift and find a perfect outfit to wear. Check on the gifts, but I still need to figure out the outfit. :). There could be worse ways to cope.

Ironic

March 18th, yesterday, marked our 2 and half year anniversary of trying to concieve. It also marked the start of my 20th cycle - our first IUI cycle.

For some reason, it seems significant that all of these events fell on the same day. Only time will tell.

Why is it, when one thing goes right, another goes wrong?

*Please note that I posted this intoxicated, and have realized since that there were some errors. So, I've edited as appropriate.*

I am so aggravated. The funniest part, it has nothing to do about infertility. On that front, things are looking fine. I've been spotting since yesterday afternoon, AF is just around the corner. On early morning Monday, I will have my first dildo cam for a baseline ultrasound of the good old ovaries. Maybe we will get to see the cysts that go with Ovary Syndrome.

Today, I finished 154 save the dates and envelopes for my sister's wedding. I've been dealing with more aggravation than I can tell you. Her sister-in-law is a CUNT.

(Now if you know me in real life I've only refered to one other woman with that name. She was a boss that got me fired for a personality conflict. I still have dreams of her spontaneously combusting. She made my life MISERABLE for three years. The last year and half, I would wake up from deep sleep having panic attacks - I cried on my train ride home more than once. So you know that I don't use that word loosely.)

You may be asking than why does she deserve that title. Well, she has blamed me for everything. My sister lives on an island off of Massachusetts. It makes it difficult for her to come home. And she doesn't come back and forth since she has finished her degree (she did this for the last year and half.) So, many things have to go thru email and telephone.

She has done much of her planning on her own. And I've helped her when ever I can, that is why I am the Matron of honor. Now, I don't take that title lightly, anything she has asked, I've done. Including writing 154 save the date invitations. The envelopes aren't a big deal, they took me less than five hours. The invitations took me hours, days, weeks! They were a serious PAIN in the ass.

In addition to the save the dates, I've been instructed to do the engagement party invitations and envelopes (which were completed in September), wedding envelopes, and the seatting cards.

Last weekend, when I drove an hour to go to my sister's sister-in-law's house, to visit with her and her mother to fix the wedding list. They spewed their ideas on how things should be. I kept on saying, this is not my wedding, this is my sister's wedding. And this is what she wants. The mother of the groom asked to write the invitations for her side, I told her that my sister asked me to do it, that she wants it done in calligraphy. She asked not to write names on the inside of the wedding invitations, I told her that I have done invitations for three weddings and etiquett requires you to do the inside envelope. They told me not to send the invitations any earlier than two months - I told them, my sister wanted to do it three months in advance considering they have approximately 50 guests coming from the island (who would need hotel, air/boat, and a car). They told me that there was no need for a hotel reservations, I reminded them of the 50 guests. I didn't bother to tell them that I called the car rental place for a discount - thought that would bring them over the edge. After three hours of this crap, I was done. OUT...sent them the revised list via email - yes, I drove there, sat thru that crap, made the edits by hand, and then had to type everything out - because they refused to do it and send it to me.

It gets better.

The sister-in-law views me doing these things as taking over, she also thinks I'm taking over the bridal shower. Now, when I say this, I am not exagerating. I've done research on locations, found a place that would hold the 111 people that we need to invite. I asked the bridesmaids, including the sister-in-law for ideas for locations. Told her that my parents would be paying for location and food - approximately $3,000.

So, I went with my parents to various locations. Heck, there weren't many choices. After the five of them were thru with our options for dates, we only had three dates. With the number of invitees, we only had three locations that would comply. The choice was an easy one. So, my parents and I went to the location, tasted the food etc.

On that weekend, my parents and I went to the stores. I wanted to see what was out there for options for center pieces, etc. We went into a particular store and there were so many Nantucket items. And I thought my sister would really appreciate that we used a theme surrounding a place that is becoming her home. So, I went back to the bridesmaids.

They all agreed that we should go forth with the Nantucket theme. So, I went out and bought the vases, a cork board, and basket which all fit into that theme. Thought, wow, we are really getting a lot done.

When I threw out the theme idea, and before, I also included invitation ideas, wording invitation ideas, gift ideas, favor ideas etc. The invitations were over ruled with other suggestions. Favor ideas were over ruled by the sister-in-law. I took all this in stride. I liked the invitation and gift suggestions, and I rolled with the punches. I took the defeat on the favor suggestion. Tried to be complient. (The only one who objected was the sister-in-law.)

But the invitation wording, my sister's sister-in-law saw things one way. And I kept on bitting my lip, until she brought it to everyone's attention. And I spoke up. Yes, I realized it was probably going to cause problems before I started typing. But, I knew I had to say something before my brain became, my brain on clomid (PMS * 1,000).

So, I told her, that I thought that the bridal shower is an event for the girl, where as the rehearsal dinner is more for the boy. I told her, that I thought that the shower invitation should state that is in the honor of my sister and not in honor of my sister and her brother. I also told her, that it isn't because I am trying to slight her brother, but that I wanted to give my sister this party in her honor. Well, the sister-in-law from hell didn't like that.

She told me that I shouldn't have posted it, etc. (One of the other bridesmaids started a forum, very good idea, considering my in box was getting inundated by this event.) I told her, that I posted it to make sure that I wasn't out of line. No one disagreed with me, but no one agreed with her, either.

She went off. Basically accused me of taking over, doing everything I wanted, and that I should take care of it and tell her later what she owes. I told her, that I have not run EVERYTHING but all of the BRIDESMAIDS have been giving their input. That I had the emails to prove it, etc. And that she was blaming me for something that I have no control over - the Calligraphy etc.

But the damage was done, I am the bitch. But, the truth is that I was glad I said what I said. I was glad that stood my ground. Until today.

Today, my sister said, "I'm not picking sides. This isn't my problem."

Really, today, I wanted to say - I don't want to be your matron of honor. Ask you sister-in-law. Remember the wedding invitations and table cards, you can ask you sister-in-law to do them. And you know what, good for her. Because this job, is only giving me more stress. And if you don't remember, I have enough FUCKING stress in my life.

Instead, I finished ALL of the save the dates that I had. Instead, I went to two craft shops to find more save the dates. Instead, I came home and finished the save dates. And sent an email to my future brother-in-law asking for the additional information, considering I asked the same information from his sister, and she refused to respond. (Real grown-up.)

If only I didn't unconditionally love my sister, I would of told her to fuck herself. Instead, I am so pissed, that I am blogging about it. ERRR....I hate being the better person....it sucks.

Happy Dancing!

YIPPEE - YIPPEE - YIPPEE - YIPPEE - YIPPEE

Yes, after Tuesday's frustrations - I talked to my sister and good friend S. And after reading the Imperfect's (Imperfect, but still better than most insurances.) medical plan. I thought, there might be a way to still do the IUI this cycle. But, I wasn't sure. It could of been the two glasses of wine talking. And I needed to check something with Useless (Useless Insurance, but it is cheap and primarily paid by T's company and it is better than nothing.).

Basically, after reading and re-reading - calling - and pestering. I found that Useless will pay for anything diagnostic. So, up to the first procedure, they will cover anything everything diagnostic. So devious Dianne was thinking - Why not?

Why not use Useless for the ultrasounds, bloodwork, etc? I am more than willing to pay for the Clomid out of pocket - I have before. And if Useless pays for the ultrasounds, and Imperfect pays for the IUI and anything after the fact. Well, I wouldn't have to sit this cycle out.

So, I called and confirmed that Useless will pay for the diagnotic ultrasounds. And after 8 calls between today and yesterday, I finally talked to the insurance lady to relay my devious plan. Now, I was a little aggravated, but I also know she thought I was calling to find out if my PC had called with the referal which is needed. But, she never gave me a chance too tell her why I was calling. Regardless - I am currently doing the happy dance.

I explained my hair brained idea. And she graciously told me that all of the ultrasounds and blood work is ALWAYS marked as infertility diagnostic. YIPPEE! Lets screw Useless! YIPPEE! Than she told me that my idea would not work for Imperfect, because they require authorization before the start of a procedure. But, than she looked thru my chart.

Drum roll please. Approvals are only required for injectible IUI cycles! And imperfect, only requires a referal for the IUI clomid cycles. Yes, lets say this together - YIPPEEE!

I feel like...

Let me start off by saying, I anticipated this possibility. Also, there is a very good chance that I may be getting my panties in a bunch - but at this moment and time. I would like to have a good cry. Instead, let me tell you my story.

On Saturday, I had received the invoice and my card. WOO HOO I'm in business - at least this is what I thought. Yesterday, I go to the local C*S to pick up the clomid scrip (my last round on the fun pill). And the insurance, which I had just sent a check to, denied it.

Well, I wasn't too worried. And thought, they haven't gotten the check. So, I called the insurance company. The representative told me that my suspicions were correct. He also went on to tell me that I would need a referral from my PC. And that about the co-pay. Also he told me were to find exact information about the coverage etc. What a difference from my other insurance.

So, I called my primary care and started the process for the referral. And for once, I do feel like someone at that office has my best interests. It could be that I was very specific about my cause and maybe she found some empathy - she even wished me good luck. But, the process couldn't be done today and I may need to wait. She promised to call me back as soon as it is completed.

Now, the aggravating part, I have been trying to get answers from my REs office since Friday. I've called seven times. Generally, they are really good about responding and I don't know the reason for this last debacle. But, I finally got a call back with my questions answered. After I was done, I finally got to speak to the insurance lady.

She was also very courteous. But, per her, it takes two to four weeks for insurance approval of a cycle. So, as of today, I am very close to the beginning of my period; she should be here tomorrow to four days from now. I sit here and I want to cry. Because I was all ready to start this - to do my first IUI this month. TO TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS! And it may not happen.

Yet, the optimistic part of me is saying. Well, you may not get your period for another week. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe your PCOS can work in your favor, just once. And you know the earliest you've ovulated on Clomid is CD 18. SO that is about three weeks.

UGH...I still want to cry. AF is just around the corner. I can feel her knocking.

Here I am again, expecting the worst and praying for the best.

HAHAHA - the High Priestess - HAHAHA

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Insurance

I promised months back to share my research on insurance. And I am hesitant. Because in doing the research, I realized that it is very state specific. So, I will begin by saying the following - this is what I have found to be true in Massachusetts.

Also, I am hesitant to be certain what I found to be completely accurate - I'm still in shock and in complete apprehension mode. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In Massachusetts the state law makers mandate infertility treatments - if you are in what they consider to be child bearing age, your FSH is at exceptable parameters, and there is no reason to believe you should not be able to get pregnant.

But, the law only mandates fully insurance careers, because these are the only plans governed by Massachusetts law. Yes, this is where it gets disappointing. If you work for a company with a self insurance plan, you don't qualify. And T and I work for two companies that use self insurance plans.

So, our work insurances did not cover infertility treatments at all. And the law did not require them to.

My RE advised me to search for a second insurance career. The local laws would apply because I would be buying a plan on my own. So it is secondary insurance in the sense, I will continue my current insurance and also the additional plan I purchased.

The one advantage of the law, is that the insurance company cannot deny me based on an infertility diagnosis. So, I do benefit from that - not to mention I will be able to take advantage of purchasing the insurance. It will save us several thousands of dollars each procedure, despite an additional $300 co-pay for each procedure and co-pays for the drugs. But, I'm not complaining.

So this is what I've learned, I hope that this helps in some way. And like I said previously, I did this reasearch on my own, and it could be wrong. But, I PRAY that it isn't.

Must remember to breathe.

As with most things with this infertility crap, something is going wrong. As most of you know, the insurance has been approved. I received my first bill of at least six in the mail yesterday – and it was higher than expected. The insurance cards should be arriving soon, but the bill includes my insurance number. So, I should be good to go, right?

Well, we are also going into my busy few weeks. I work for a company with foreign subsidiaries. And two of the more demanding foreign subsidiaries – because of antiquated laws – require actual board meetings. Which in themselves aren’t bad but when you need to coordinate VERY busy people’s schedules, it makes your life miserable. So, in my latest attempt of being proactive, organized, and to keep my job; I called the REs office, because I will also need to coordinate monitoring with the VERY busy people’s schedules. Can we say crap!

Since, November – saying this may jinx everything but – I’ve had somewhat normal cycles. I’ve actually ovulated every cycle since October. So, I ovulated this cycle as well. And I expect my cycle to start early next week. (The only reason I can come up with is that the clomid kick started my ovaries or that the clomid is still in my system and stimulating the ovaries. I hardly believe this will be a continuous situation.) The cycles themselves are hardly "normal", but I am not complaining, anything less than 60 days is a minor miracle.

I called the REs office, I wanted to know when I will be monitored etc. Get this one – the IUIs were to be unmonitored. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Excuse me? So, I kindly spoke to the nurse and made the following points in a – listen to me, I am not effing around kind of way.

1. I absolutely insist in a MONITORED cycle.
2. Because we have no idea what kind of ovulation I’m currently having. If it is producing a worthwhile mature follicle or how many.
3. I have a limited time on this secondary insurance and therefore a limited amount of procedures.

The response, the nurse thought I was demanding that she change it immediately to a monitored cycle. I told her, I am not unreasonable. I was making my point to find out the best way to proceed with the doctor to change her stance of monitored versus unmonitored. She said she would talk to the doctor on Monday and I should call back then.

Realizing that my blood pressure is through the rough right now and I also know that my doctor is a reasonable person and if she relays the information accurately – she will agree to monitored IUIs. But, at this exact moment, I feel if it isn’t one thing it is another.

Oh – and in completely unrelated infertility news – did I tell you I am my sister’s matron-of-honor. Currently planning my sister’s bridal shower with six other women. The task of getting more than one woman to agree on anything – well it is hurting my head. Than add to the mix – mind you I am writing up 154 save the date invitations in Calligraphy, outside envelopes for the save the dates, bridal shower invitations and wedding invitations – and her list of invitees sucks! I called her to provide me more information and she tells me that she doesn’t know and that I am on my own. Again, what the fuck?

So, I sent the list to the groom’s sister, begging for help. She sent me an email about how she and her mom were very disappointed in the list. I tell her, believe me, I understand and that I absolutely need this list to be perfect, because I will be referring to it for the next six months constantly! Totally want to get it right. So, now, I am meeting her and her mother on either Monday or Tuesday to do my sister's list.

Not to mention, I have another bridesmaid, who is our cousin, and she is all ready complaining about the financial obligations. Crap, the most we will need to contribute is $200 each– which includes the gift! And I doubt it will be that much. Why, because my parents are paying for the location and food – it is what they did for me and they want to do it for their other daughter.

Now, this is why it is bugging me so much – my sister and I were in my cousin’s sister’s wedding a few years back. The bridesmaids paid for EVERYTHING – cost about $600 a piece – there were six of us. And they spared no expense – they had it at that same place T and I got married – it was expensive for a shower. Her reasoning – just graduating don’t have job. Well, my sister was in high school and I had just graduated and was working for below minimum wage. Nope, did not have the money to spend. But I found it, and my parents paid for my sister. So, I am extremely tempted to say, “Suck it up. You shouldn’t of said yes. You knew the time frame, and you also knew that you would need to fork money up.”

The funniest part is that I was just talking to my sister’s future sister-in-law saying that these girls did not have any money to spend. That she and I were the most established in our lives. One is starting her own business. The other three are just graduating from college, in Vet school, and in Grad school. In other words, we must find a way to keep costs down.

All right, I think I’m done. If you actually read this bitch session, thank you. I feel better. Err…why can’t life go smoothly?

Something is in the air – hope.

A few posts ago, I referred to a party I attended. It was at my infertile acquaintances’ home and many people who I haven’t seen in about a year were there. It was a bizarre night in many ways because it was focused around P*mpered Chef, babies, pregnancies, and infertility.

I went with my friend S, who is 20 weeks pregnant, she had just found out that she is having a baby girl. She and her husband are very excited, it is there first. Earlier that day, they had been registering for the little one. (As S knows, I can’t wait to meet the new addition!)

We enter and the first words were words of congratulations. Our hosts have had four miscarriages in the last two and half years. Their pain is evident, and yet they mask it thru countless baby pictures of little ones conceived by their family and friends. They wisked B and S away, and I was standing there. To be expected, and totally not intentional – they were masking their pain.

We walk in and S and I are discussing the various baby pictures. We were admiring some of the children, since they were children of high school acquaintances. It was very neat to see them.

A little while passed and my friend G entered with her best friend L and L’s new addition Ava. I hadn’t seen Ava, life had gotten in the way. And she is GORGEOUS. Couldn’t help but “ooo and ahh” over her myself.

Later, the women stepped into the living room. I sat on a chair – attempting to be away from the baby. Instead, the new mom sat next to me with the little one. I couldn’t help but continue my wine drinking and stare at the little one. The host sat next to me and we both stared at the little one. She is super cute. The presentation starts and finishes.

I ask L to hold her baby. That did it – I smelled hope. I had forgotten that hope had a smell. So wish I could bottle it up. Ava smelled like hope to me. So distinctive. Yet, up to that day, forgotten by me. So I held her for a little while and sniffed her (just call me the baby sniffer). It was beautiful – life affirming – hopeful. How I wish I could package it up for my darkest days.

As is completely is expected, Ava started to cry. Her mom took her from me and started to sooth her. I went into the bathroom. Because her wailing, it was piercing my heart. I wanted her to stop. So, I went to the bathroom and sung “LALALALA” in my head to block it out. Luckily, she is a good baby and that was it. Then I remembered the smell of hope.

Immediately after, my friend G told me what my Mom had said to her. My mortification was self evident to G. But, after a few glasses of wine, she had some additional courage and she asked “How is everything going with that?” And since I had a few glasses of wine myself, I answered. I told her about my absolute terror of the insurance application. How I’ve been seeing a counselor to mentally prepare myself for the next steps. And that by the end of the year, one way or another this will be done.

By this point, my friend S had joined the conversation, none of what I was saying is new to her. But, still I shocked her, “You’ll know by the end of the year?”

And I answered, “Yes. Once I get the courage to send in the application. It will be waiting for the approval, and starting the procedures immediately. There is no stopping. Must do my three IUIs and Gift. After that, only God knows.”

G says, “Well I don’t know of any couple more deserving.” And I respond, “It isn’t about deserving, crack whores have children. Sometimes it is about those children being destined to be born”

****

And as most things – my brain requires me to think things a little bit further. Destined children. I wrote this entry about children which were destined in my own family. Despite medical complications and drugs, some children are just meant to be.

When I say this, I include all children. Children created by ART, to me, are just as meant to be as children created “naturally”. My line of reasoning, there are all blessings with spirit and conscious. They are all miracles of life – they were born despite the great odds against them. And the medical community has been given inspiration, knowledge and courage to pursue those procedures thru God. So all children are miracles of life.

My point is - it isn’t about deserving. It is about things that are completely out of our control. For me, it is about doing as much as I can and praying that destiny has been determined to give me a child. And knowing, that no matter what I do or don’t do (when we decide to get off this bumpy road) It won’t make a difference, because God knows my limitations and he knows that if it is destined for a child to be born of myself and my husband – that he will find away.

The reality is maybe a genetic child isn’t intended for us.

It could be that I have finally – Let Go and Let God.

N.B. The insurance application has been approved. I will start next cycle (expected around March 15th) with IUI number one. Thank you for helping me get to this mentally prepared state. I couldn’t of gotten here without you.

Have you met, Missy and Sam?

My cats :). Sam is the orange tabbie and Missy is the calico. Unfortunately, this is an old photo and Missy is much bigger - but she is still that beautiful.

(Can you tell that I needed to get the other post off the top?)

My Mother

Please note that this post is not about working mothers or that topic. This post is about my Mother and my own thoughts and feelings.)

Why is that every time I talk about my Mother, I have this need to start by saying “I really love her, but.”

During my life my Mother has never been like other mothers. She worked full time, and I was her part time duty. Sadly, this is exactly how I always felt. It wasn’t the other way in our household.

She never came to school events or dropped me off the first day or came to my kindergarten graduation. She took pictures of those first school events, then sent me in the bus.

When I got old enough (about 6), I was a latch key kid. I would let myself in, do my homework, and watch TV. Later, at about 8, I was given the responsibility of caring for my younger sister who was two at the time and did until I started my first job at 14. I wasn’t allowed to do after school activities; no dancing or musical instrument or sports.

And when I say tell you these things, it isn’t for you to feel bad for me. Because most of the time, I didn’t know any better and was perfectly content. The weekends I would play with my cousins and I was a normal kid.

It is now, as I look back at it, I realize that I didn’t have much of a normal childhood compared to other people. I look at the situation and ask why? And I realize that it is because my Mother didn’t have a normal childhood either.

She was the eldest to a mentally ill Mother. As a result, at the age of ten, she was forced to be responsible for her three younger siblings when her mother was institutionalized. She grew up very early. And at the same time, there are many characteristics she has that shows me she never truly grew up either. Both resulting from this very same reason.

As I need to say this, we are far from a normal family.

And the family dynamics! They are very much set in stone and as a result, if I try to deviate all hell breaks loose. (I believe this is why my Mother is having such a hard time with my infertility.)

For all intents and purposes, I’ve always been the easy child; healthy, hard working, easy going, obedient and accommodating. For the most part, I never bothered my Mother. She didn’t really have to act like a parent, because she raised a very independent person who followed her rules, never bothered her in any way, and took care of herself.

So now that I am dealing with infertility, she doesn’t know what to do with me. I am no longer easy. I am going thru a difficult time, which she has no idea how to relate to, commiserate, or empathize.

And this is the part that makes me feel as if I have a HUGE bruise on my forehead from hitting my head on a wall.

Despite the fact that she lost a child at 8 months of pregnancy; despite the fact that her OB didn’t give her a simple shot to counter her Rh- status, and caused her to be unable to have another child for five years; despite the fact that I know, from talking to an Aunt, that she was worried that she wouldn’t be able to conceive again because it took over a year after for to get pregnant with my sister.

Despite all of that, she still can’t empathize. She can’t find any words that may help me. Instead she views my standing up for myself, as confrontational – bitchiness. A lack of compassion for her because I can’t see how it effects her – that all of her friends and family are grandmothers and how that is what she wants for herself. (She is very good at the Catholic guilt.)

My response to her insensitivity – to seek counseling, to talk to my sister (our relationship is stronger because of my mother), complain to T and realize that she is incapable of handling any of my problems. Since my role in the family dynamics is to help and not need help.

And use the same guidelines that I use for everyone else. Will setting them straight help in any way or will only cause me more aggravation. With my mother, the answer is 99.9% of the time B. As a result, except for when she asks (in a very high level way), I don’t talk about it.

But overall she is a good person. And all of those insensitive comments, hurtful looks, and feelings of inferiority – well I don’t think she intends them. I think they are her gut reaction, and instead of recognizing that and realizing how hurtful it is to me. She is incapable of seeing what she does to me.

Deep down, I know, that she cares that she wants to help. Because, here is another kicker, she will be giving me money for the insurance for the procedures. She wants to help. So ultimately, like most major events in my life, my Mother is helping me financially, instead of emotionally.

Sadly, most days I would rather the emotional support. But, I love my mother.