Platitudes

(Please note that I know this will sound harsh, and I apologize. Because I know they are being said with only kindness, and there is a point to this entry. It won’t be what you think either.)

I hate them. Infertility makes many people feel a loss and they revert to them. You know the ones:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. It takes time.
3. It’ll happen, if it is meant to be.
4. You are doing everything you can do, now you need to be patient.

They all construe the truth.

Everything doesn’t happen for a reason. Shit happens which in my book equals to life happens. So, please excuse me, but I really don’t think God has total control over anything that happens here on Earth. And he gave up control sometime around Noah’s Ark.

Genesis 8: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done. As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease."

(I do believe in miracles, intercession, etc. but those are different.)

Ironically, I realized today, that I am the QUEEN of the platitude.

A little background is needed. My last job before my current position dealt with a type of law that affected a person very personally. The stress in these government applications was enormous considering it effected their livelihood, their families livelihoods, and their futures. I’m not exaggerating. Because of 911 etc., these applications became even more arduous and time consuming. Some applications took 2 to 3 years to be decided upon and most of these people were trapped in what ifs.

Similar life altering stress to what we experience during infertility, such as: loss of control, only being partially active, and life altering. Yes, these people understood many of the feelings I’ve had in the last few years. And I like to think, I was always kind to them. Tried to be sympathetic of their situation, after all I am first generation, what they were going thru wasn’t out of the realm of my world.

But, I would give them platitudes all of the time. And all of the ones listed above, I said to one or more people. CRAP, could it be bad karma? What comes around, goes around? I could be in serious trouble. Oh boy!

Sisterhood

Mel at SQ and SJ directed my attention to Seed Disperal Mechanisms. In it the author talks about wanting a sister in the trenches. I went right over to read the entry, and started to reply and realized I had so much to say, so I came here instead.

Infertility is lonely. It is for me. And I know a load of people who have gone thru one type of treatment or another. But, I know of five people who have gone thru clomid, IVF, IUIs, GIFT, etc. When I say "thru it" I mean they have either succeeded in having a child or they have gone off the road and decided to live child free.

Some of these people, I am close to and they have gotten me thru some dark times. But, they are all done with it. They are no longer living the every day effects of infertility. Most remember the up and downs, they remember the desperation and yearning for that recluse child and sometimes they experience those feelings again. However, for the most part they aren't going thru it right now.

Then I have an aquintance (a potential sister in the trenches) who is infertile, but doesn't recognize it. M is a intelligent woman, but she denies that she is infertile. Why do I believe she is? She has had four miscarriages in two years. The last three miscarriages were all late term (four, four, and five months). She knows there is a problem and has gone thru testing. Despite it all she doesn't consider herself infertile.

How do I know? Well, a few months ago her sister-in-law was having a baby shower. And I was invited since I am also an acquintance of hers as well. M's number was the RSVP. At this time, I had just started to blog and read blogs. At the time, Mel wrote about a blood disorder that I thought might be useful for M to read up on. I told her about it and she flat out refused to read it. I thought, OK maybe blogs aren't her thing. She was in a particular chatty mood and we started to talk. We talked about how badly we wanted a child, and how much it sucked, etc. What testing we were doing. But, when I said "It really sucks to be infertile." She said, "It must."
I didn't push the topic. How could she not consider herself infertile?

Before this conversation, I thought that we could be sisters in the trenches. She and I are both going thru infertility. But, she nixed that idea, because she didn't consider herself infertile. She could get pregnant. She didn't have infertility. (It still shocks me.) As I sit here, I wonder if it was denial or fearing the stigma of the title. It was the way she said it. Yeah, it really sucks to have your problem. She didn't want it. Heck, I don't want it. But sweetie, you have it. (If only my outside voice would speak up sometimes.)

And how sad that her denial is causing her to be alone. She has no one to comisserate with. But, shutting out the idea of reading blogs, she isolates herself even more.

My real life friends are great. They are kind, compassionate, concerned, and there for me.

But, the boards (talking to you Vent girls) and blogs; well, they have made me feel less alone. And for that I will be forever grateful to you all. Because knowing that I'm not alone, well it has helped. Because the cyber world has introduced me to my sisters/brothers in the trenches and it has made it easier. So, thank you.

The F*CK with you button.

In my early twenties, I started to imagine God sitting on a couch with a clicker. The opposite wall covered with television sets which he was able to change to any channel (representing our lives). He would tune in to specific people's lives when he wanted drama, comedy, etc.

I imagine him looking into my life and thinking there isn't enough FILL IN THE BLANK (w/ drama, comedy, etc.) here. Lets kick it up a notch by hitting the f*ck with you button. It always spices things up.

The longer I am dealing with infertility, the more I think he likes to hit that button. After all, it definitely leaves room for drama, tragedy, comedy, etc.

Really, I do think that God is loving and wants only the best for us. Like a good parent. Often he is just much a spectator as we are, and there to help us thru difficult situations.

But, I sometimes, I can't help but feel he is a little sadistic. Afterall, we humans are supposedly created in his likeness. And there are many people who are sadistic.

Something else to ponder.

Esperanza – Espoir – Hoffnung – Speranza – Esperança – Надежда - 希望

Hope.

All of those words mean Hope in Spanish, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian, and Chinese.

That word again. For me, it has so many connotations of good things, as well as, bad. Today, for me, it means something in the middle.

A few years back, I had worked with a man from the Dominican Republic. At the time, whenever I wore anything green, he would say “Esperenza, you remind me of Esperenza.” I asked him why once. And he told me his mother always told him that Green was the color of hope. It is the color of so many things in nature when they are beginning. Hope is life.

Well, in the last few months, I have had an inclination of buying material items in green (a sweater, two pairs of shoes, a purse, a lunch bag, etc.). And I wonder if it is because I am in a hopeful stage.

I wonder if it is indicative of me being hopeful.

There she is again. Please play nice. Thank you for the LH surge and please let the ovulation be patient considering T is out of town until tomorrow. Again, play nice.

No worries, cautious optimism is firmly in place, at least for this cycle, considering us conceiving "au natural" has to be less than 6% (since that is what our chances were with Clomid and sex).

With that said, it is nice to be able to play for free. A chance.

Cautious Optimism - Part 2

Yes, I still am thinking about it, I actually never stopped. After thinking about it, I don’t like what I figured out. How I hate saying this, I think T is right. Err….it makes cautious optimism so much more difficult! (As if life with infertility isn’t difficult enough!)

Did I tell you that I have formed another ending for our baby quest, if we never get the baby? We will do three medicated (Clomid) IUIs and G-IFT. Then, if we are unsuccessful, well that is why I’m here muddling thru cautious optimism.

To sum it up, T’s definition means that I need to be OK with any results. That leaves us with a few options of possible outcomes: 1. We get lucky and pregnant with a baby that sticks around and is in our arms in nine ½ months; 2. We don’t get lucky and proceed to adoption; 3. We don’t get lucky and proceed to a child free existence. (Yes, I do know that there are so many other options in between. But, I don’t want to hurt my brain any more. It hurts as is.)

The problem is that I am perfectly content with options one and two. Both options get us to my desired end result of being a parent and having a beautiful little one of our own. Yes, with adoption, I still mourn a little. It is sad to consider I’ll never get to see T’s deep blue eyes or dimples on our child or recognize a missed loved one. But, I think I would be really good with a child to love.

The option I have an issue with is the third, living child free. It has its perks. No responsibility except to each other. Always being able to live in the moment and only for ourselves. Taking vacations to wherever and whenever we want. To be a family as a couple. After all we still are a family.

But, will we miss not being parents? To share our love with someone else. Someone to know us and be able to carry us on, after we go, a legacy. Never said that I wasn’t selfish in this baby quest. And I think that this dilemma may all change if and when my sister has a child. Since he/she will be someone to carry our story after we are gone. And if I logically think about it, we do have children in our lives that we love very much.

I think about it all. And this is a part that I think about very much.

What happens when we are older and there is no one to care that we exist or existed? After all, when push comes to shove, family is always there. Even if you don’t like them. With the logical fact, that I will outlive T, a future alone is a little scary too. No one to share memories of his/her Dad.

I’m focusing on all of this because I know that T hasn’t thought it thru.

And, in my craziness I need to think of all the options before he has decided, to prepare myself. To be OK with whatever he comes up with. And this is the part that scares me that I won’t be OK with an end result that he wants and vice versa. It leaves me in terror thinking about it. He always says, whatever (procedure) you want. But, he is hesitant about adoption. And I understand that, he needs his time to process. After all only a few months ago, he had to process us needing ART to conceive. We had to go thru all of the failed medicated and sex cycles for him to come to that conclusion. So, it is safe to say he will come to my conclusion in the end. But who knows?

Ultimately, he is my family. And no matter how much I want a baby, he is better than a maybe baby. So, I need to have my allegiance to the one I know will be around and that is my T.

Wow, I think I just reached cautious optimism. Well, at least for this exact moment in a logical thought process. My T is a constant and maybe baby is a variable so that equals a Dianne who is going to stick by her guy. So in the end, I’m OK with option number 3 too.

It doesn’t mean that I cannot mourn our wanted child. Despite however much I think I’m OK with it, it still makes me sad. And I have a feeling that will be the case for some time. As I realized in the counselors chair a few weeks ago, I have at least another 15 years of my friends and family telling me their having a child. Therefore, I need to get over it. I need to get OK with it on an emotional level. But, that will have to be another day and she has promised to get me to that point.

Also, I logically am reminded that I have no idea how this story ends, I’m just trying to anticipate it. So much for living in the moment, something else to work on.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

When I was a kid, I used to say lawyer. But within the first two years in the legal field, I found that it wasn't like Matloc.k and I decided that it really wasn't what I wanted.

So the answer changed to, I want to be a mom.

It was a surprise to me as much as everyone else. Since I always thought of being a mom as being a side job. (My mom worked when I was a kid, she still does.) It probably had to do with life circumstances, well at least a little bit. When I realized that law school wasn't in the cards, I also met my husband. And the maternal instinct kicked in to high gear. So, for the last seven years, I have wanted to be a Mom, still do.

And I pursued another position within the legal field that would allow me to be a mom. I like my current job, but since I graduated in 1998 and survived several mergers and acquisitions, I know that it probably isn't permanent.

Since, I have been contemplating cautious optimism, I figured out that my husband's theory is right. In order to practice cautious optimism, you have to be OK with any of the results. (More on that later in another post.)

So, that has left me with all of the options that may happen. And one of them is living childfree.

(Adoption is also an option, but for me to play the game correctly, I need to think of all the options because who knows if T would want to adopt? His brain doesn't work like mine. He has no need or want to think of scenarios before he has to.)

To analyze whether or not I would be OK with it. As my brain works, I've come to the conclusion that if I become OK with it, I need to come up with a new "What I want to be when I grow up?"

Since I was thinking that Mother.hood would be my full time career. I want a career that could take its place. Yes, I know that is a tall order. But, my plan B dream should have just as much meaning, enjoyment, satisfaction, no?

And I have no idea. (Wow, good thing I have a real life friend who is a career counselor. I may need to have her test me if I need to get off this quest for baby road.)

Funny, it doesn't really scare me that I have no idea. It kind of makes me feel young. And with so many options that I'm overwhelmed by them all. Something to think about besides infertility. I kind of like it.

Relaxation

We’ve all heard it. “Just Relax.” Most of the time, those words can bring me to a screaming banshee state. However, with my new year’s resolution of finding peace, I’ve been forced to face relaxation which seems to go hand and hand. (Also, it does seem beneficial to do everything possible to increase our chances, and sometime the mass public is right.)

As I’ve grown to know myself, I know that relaxation does not come naturally. I must work on it!

Amazingly, after several months of doing something about it, I’m actually starting to feel relaxed! Imagine that me, a high strung person, can really relax. So much so that I can feel myself calming and being more in the present instead of waiting for what is next. You may be asking how?

Well it started with the therapist. I only go once a month now. As she put it, “Nothing is wrong with you. It is unfortunate that just because you can’t have a baby “naturally” you are forced to explain your want for a child. When, if you could just get pregnant like the majority of people by getting drunk, they would be asking why not? No wonder you need to get some things off your chest.” Now, those are words of a wise woman.

It was reinforced with the relaxation technique she taught me in November. It is a combination of imagery, concentration of breathing, and flexing-release movements. (She also suggested Self-Nurture by Ali Domar; the only reason that I know it is a combination of anything.) Originally directed to do it twice a day, I’ve only been able to do it once a day. The hope is to trigger a Pavlove’s Dog response. Think relaxation and be relaxed. Doesn’t that sound nice?

Lastly, I’ve thrown yoga into the mix. I love it. Could it be the early stages of an infatuation, but it could also be the long everlasting for real kind of love. It puts me in a “zen” place. As an added bonus it helps with my back pain!

So, it may not be how most people do it, but it works for me. Here is hoping it helps with the other thing too. Fingers crossed.

Reminders

In the last few weeks, my Mom has been talking about my cousin B. As many of you know, he passed away in September, at twenty-one, from a massive brain aneurysm caused by several brain tumors. As expected, the family is healing and at the same time missing him terribly.

His sister is pregnant with a boy due in June. If you are like me, well you have quickly made the calculations and S got pregnant two weeks (Ironically around the night of their Mom’s 50th birthday party, the last time I saw him.) before B died. Since S suffered a miscarriage earlier last year and she is feeling the loss of her brother strongly; she feels that her brother had to die so that her child could exist.

Now, I don’t personally see it this way. Along with so many other reasons, I believe that children are born so that we remember our loved ones.

When I was a child, my Grandmother used to say, “You are just like my mother-in-law. How I miss her.” But then she would tell me how I was like her, how I reminded her of her in so many good ways. With others, I remind them of themselves or a beloved deceased cousin.

B always reminded me of our Grandfather. Even though he is with us, he lives far away and if I am lucky I get to see him once in two years. B’s hands and personality were just like my Grandfather. They both are so quiet, always intently listening and then when you least expect it they would say the funniest thing! How I miss them both.

As a result, I am so excited for S’s baby. I can’t wait to see who he is like. Because I am not presumptuous to think that he will be like B. But, there are so many that I would love to be reminded of; to see and recognize them in this little one will be a gift.

And I am sad that we may never have that our selves. Part of the reason, I want a biological child is that I would love to see our loved ones in our child; T’s Dad, my Grandparents, B, etc. Sigh.

Nota Bene - A Reminder

During my next two week wait, I will refer to this entry and remind myself that everything I am feeling is not indicative of pregnancy, instead it is my "normal" menstrual cycle.

1. Breast changes approximately 7 days before.
2. Cramps approximately 5 days before.
3. Food cravings approximately 2 days before. (Usually for Italian food and chocolate.)
4. Spotting approximately 1 day before.
5. LP is approximately 16 to 20 days long.
6. The cats always like me and prefer to lay on my stomach.
7. Sense of smell is enhanced about 4 days before.
8. Clomid makes me nauseous from ovulation to menses.

Hopefully, this will help in keeping my neurotic thoughts to a minimum. Well, a girl can try.

"Always Change"

A few years ago, our priest, Father M preached about Change. His sermon was directed at a bunch of graduating teens. He talked about how most people write, "Never Change" or "Don't Change" in year books. And how that he wanted them/us to change because it meant growth, basically people need to change, and that it is always good. As in most cases, when I left Father M's masses, I felt enlightened. He spoke the truth, to grow you have to change.

This memory has been playing in my head, with the realization that I have changed yet again. I am not the same person as I was a year ago. Don't get me wrong, many of my basic qualities are still there, but my view of the world and how I respond to it has ABSOLUTELY changed.

When did it change? When it became clear that I was truly infertile. I don't know if it happened after the HSG, or the first, second, third, fourth round of Clomid failing, our two year anniversary; but it happened sometime during all of those roller coasters. It happened when I had to explain the various procedures or when I had to tell my T that we HAD to have sex NOW! It changed when I started to defend and justify my want to be a mother. It happened.

And it has changed me and my relationships in so many ways.

I've learned to defend myself. Before infertility, I had known that there were times when I should have stood up for myself. But more often than not, I let go of it to preserve the relationship. I took crap from so many people, because I my extreme loyalty. I no longer have that same threshold. And as a result, I tell people now when they have hit the mark of too much crap. Some people, I think, respect it. Others have not liked it. My loyalty is still there, but now I include loyalty to myself.

Pregnancy is no longer an easy thing. Whenever someone tells me they are pregnant, I pray for them. Truly pray. Because I have lost my naivety about pregnancy. It is no longer something that is easy or taken for granted. It is a gift and privilege to have a healthy pregnancy and child. It is not a guarantee.

Now, I am more critical of people with children. I get angry when people treat there children with anything but respect. Believe me, I don't believe this means you shouldn't scold your child, or teach them boundaries. But, I get upset when people don't want to spend time with their kids, or act like they are a burden. If your kid wants to spend time with you by sitting on your lap or having you read to them, take it!

A harmless comment no longer exists. I take things to heart. I no longer can sit back and let people make what they believe a harmless comment from my mother to a stranger. Now, I feel a need to say something. Before, I wouldn't have bothered and made an excuse for them. Now, I don't have the patience. I also try not to make the harmless comment, and when I fail, I apologize.

It has changed my relationships with my husband, family and friends. Some have been strengthened by this change. The conversations are deeper and so are the understanding. Many times I know that they are at a loss, but every effort is truly appreciated. And even though I valued them so before, my admiration and endearment have grown.

My changes have increased my love for my T and I feel his love for me. I have learned more about him during this change than any other time. Like how when I cry, he hates it. Can't stand it. He would rather avoid all topics that potentially upset me than talk about them. He only has a need to talk about a scenario when he absolutely has too. And that ultimately, he only wants to make me happy. How he truly loves me, because he doesn't blame me for our childlessness or when I am in an irrational, emotional phase because of Clomid. How he has changed his point of view on children, to protect his own heart as much as me.

My baby sister is now my protector. When my mother went on a most hurtful tirade, it was my baby sister who called her to make her apologize to me. In the most empathetic act, she has made a contingence plan with her fiancé if they too are inflicted with infertility.

Friends have truly listened and been there for me.

I've also gotten to know some amazing people because of this change.

So for all the bad things infertility has brought, it has brought me good things as well. It has brought change. And change is ALWAYS good because you can't grow without it. At this exact moment, because I know I will curse it sooner than later, I am grateful for my infertility.

How do you like it?

Ok, I have just signed up to the "New" B.logger. And so far, I kind of like it. I can actually comment on your blogs, which I haven't been able to do for months, but believe me I have been reading! I can customize my blog, which my limited knowledge of H.T.M.L. always prevented me from doing before. So, far so good. How do you like it?

Also, please do read the "Cautious Optimism" post below. I really am curious to find out what you believe the term means and how (you do or would) practice. Thanks!

Cautious Optimism

As I continue my preparation for our next step in infertility treatments. I am trying to arm myself.

The last few months have been productive, despite some turbulent moments. I survived the holidays. I learned my limitations: with people, with myself, and with the pursuit for baby. I learned about the wonderful world of therapy; to practice a relaxation technique and be in a moment for a while. I’ve enrolled in a yoga class. (I start Monday and I am so excited.)

But, it has also led me to cautious optimism. Seems like a harmless phrase; something easily accomplished and understood. Many people discuss it in relation to infertility. But my logical part asks, “What does it mean and how do I practice cautious optimism?”

Honestly, it seems like you need to practice it if you want to survive. To avoid all the roller-a-coaster action and utter disappointment that is infertility. Why is it then I cannot find a “how to” book, a definition, concept discussion online, etc.

So, I asked people in my reality:

T’s answer, “You look at your wanted result, with caution. You know that there are many outcomes and are satisfied with any of them and if the ultimate outcome results you are ecstatic, but it isn’t the end all.”

Great theory honey, and I am working on being equally happy with other resolutions. But I believe that would mean I would be equally happy with being childfree. While the idea has grown on me considerable, maybe that it might just be the outcome, I’m just not there yet. Therefore using your definition, I’m screwed. So, I must chug along.

A colleague brought up the topic dealing with work. I asked him what it meant. He said, “If it is raining, there is a 100% chance of rain. If it isn’t raining, then it isn’t raining.”

He admits that he is a pessimist and I have to agree. No optimism in this one.

My therapist suggested not thinking about the wanted end result. To concentrate on other things which make me happy. To ignore all signs of a positive solution. To only focus on other good things in my life and list them everyday in order to focus only on those things and not the desired outcome.

It seems to be a reasonable answer and a logical one that I will attempt to practice. But infertility, especially when you are going thru treatments are all consuming. In practice I believe this will be extremely hard. But, I can try. And if I am successful 10% of the time, I’ll be content with myself. However, isn’t it almost ignoring it, pretending you aren’t experiencing it or what you are aiming to achieve?

Regardless, my aim is to increase the arsenal against infertility’s emotional devastation.

What I intend to do in practicing cautious optimism?

Continue relaxation technique.
Continue seeing my therapist.
Continue to walk at lunch (aim for five days, be satisfied with two).
Start yoga on Monday, January 8th.
Get a massage once a month.
Seek other activities to do during treatments (book club, cooking classes, increase yoga classes, etc.).
Write a daily list of things I am grateful for when I am undergoing treatments.

I truly believe that if I am able to learn to practice cautious optimism, it will help me find peace. And maybe it will automatically lend itself to infertility too.

What are your thoughts? How do you practice “cautious optimism”?

****

How will I remember 2006?

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same.

Thank you to all who stayed awhile, I'll never be the same.

****

Welcome 2007!

A clean slate. More this year than any other, I feel like this year holds opportunity, a chance, for good things to happen. All the bad is being wiped away with the end of 2006, and only the positive will be left behind.

Why? I don't really know. I'm just in a good place. Feeling more at peace with life and myself. There really isn't any reason for this feeling. It actually may be fleeting. But for now, I feel good! So good, that I may actually keep to the original plan of starting up treatments in late February.

Wow.

****

Resolution:

To find peace. (So far so good.)

Empathy is not Pity

Mr. Webster I need your help with definitions:

Empathy – noun: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes or another.

Pity – noun: 1. sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy. 3. to feel pity or compassion for, be sorry for; commiserate with.

I don’t want to be pitied. Yes, that is not what I have been seeking by writing this blog or by talking about my infertility. I’ve been seeking empathy.

Lets focus on the words. Pity’s definition states: “give relief or aid or to show mercy.” Well, in my opinion most people cannot “fix” my problem, therefore they are unable to “give relief or aid.” And the only one that can “show mercy” is God. The only time that pity is applicable, per the definition, is when another infertile “commiserates with” me. (Please note that I include spouses/partners of infertiles when I say that because they are just as much effected.) Yes, pity is not allowed by people who are not experiencing the same thing. Therefore, if you are not experiencing equals no pity.

Empathy on the other hand is what I have been seeking. Unfortunately, many people never learned to empathize. To put yourself in another person’s shoes and to imagine how it would make you feel, if you were going thru what the other person is going thru. To imagine and understand the other person thru empathy.

My friends, this is what I am seeking from the vast majority of people in my life. Hence the reason, I have shared my blog with some of them. It is that by providing my thoughts, it is a means to provide insight so that empathy and understanding is achieved. Ultimately, I think that is what most people want. To be understood. And, it is really what I have been seeking.

Some people have excelled. They have been able to think about how they would feel if they were going thru the situation. They have been supportive and helpful, by listening. Because, honestly, when you practice empathy that is all you can do.

Others have not excelled. If you can’t empathize, and yes I recognize that some people don’t have that capability. I respectfully request that you attempt the following. Determine that you cannot empathize. If you don’t know what I am going thru and you don’t know what to say. You are not allowed to speak to me about the topic. The only statement you should make, “I don’t what you are going thru, and I can’t imagine.”

Also, if reading this blog has left you feeling pity, and you are not experiencing infertility, than please stop reading. It has not served its purpose, I never wanted you to feel bad for me.

I have a good life. This is only one aspect of my life that I wish it was not what it is. It is life altering, hence why it is currently so consuming to me. Having children is life changing, so taking that possibility from the equation is equally life changing. I am desperately coming to decisions/conclusions about my life and my husband’s. Life altering decisions, not having children is as equally distressing when it is what you thought would be your reality. Coming to another dream of your and your husband’s life is an enormously big deal.

Recently, a friend stated she “pities” me because I define myself by my fertility or my lack thereof. I do define myself by my infertility. If I rationally look at the situation, I know that is not the only thing that defines me. But, put yourself in my shoes, empathize. It really is no different than someone who defines themselves as single or a mother or a cancer patient or a cancer survivor. Ultimately, that is what they see when they see in the mirror. For someone like me, who in all intents and purposes thought she would have the title of mother by now, it is logical that infertile is how I define myself at this point. After all it is the reason why I haven’t reached my desired title.

Also, I don’t expect this to be the case for all times. I imagine with time, when we decide on the next path or something else becomes our reality (whatever it may be). I will view myself differently than I do in this moment. I will determine that I will title myself something else, but I believe I need to get to the step where my husband and I have come to a different dream. A different want for ourselves. Ultimately, infertility will not be the first quality that I see in myself. But, only God and time will help with me getting to that point.

Until then, try to empathize…it can be a valuable exercise, you may find that you need some in your own life.

Trials and Tribulations

I apologize for being so inconsistent with my blog. And if any one is still reading, this entry will not be light or fluffy.

Snippets of the last few months to explain my current feelings:

1. The Newport wedding was fine. Until, I find out from a third party that the bride is 11 weeks along. As I try to talk myself into being OK. I am approached by my husband's cousin who experienced male factor, and I start to cry. (Usually I am very happy when people tell me that they are experiencing, however with this couple the more I find out, the less I understand why they have been blessed.)

2. I saw the therapist and start to feel fine about things. It simply helped to chat about it with a real life person about infertility, who has gone thru it. She made me feel better. Not sure how. She taught me relaxation technique, more on that later.

3. Tuesday before Thanksgiving I talk to my cousin for about an hour. She is the only cousin that I have spoken to about infertility. Also, in those same conversations, I also told her how I CANNOT wait for her and her husband to get pregnant. Honestly, believe that they will make wonderful parents etc. More on this later.

4. Wednesday I go to the therapist and feel like a million bucks after. She teaches me a relaxation technique and it makes me feel great. I leave there and go see a cousin that I haven't seen in years because she lives in Portugal. Basically, she too has been experiencing infertility. She and her husband chose to live child free because she would have had to travel 4 hours by plane to get diagnosed and treated. It made me feel better to talk to her, because I felt less alone. Unfortunately, she doesn't live around here. Maybe I will need to make her a pen pal :).

5. Thanksgiving. Overall a great day. Make the turkey and stuffing without hurting anyone and from all accounts, it tasted great too.

6. Start doing the relaxation technique. Feel like a million bucks.

7. Saturday, I go shopping at a really early hour. Great news is that the pregnant army as well as the young family army is not there. FANTASTIC! I have found the right time for me to go shopping.

8. Sunday, my sister calls me up. We are chatting about Thanksgiving etc. When she tells me that my cousin is pregnant. The one first to be told about the infertility. She never told me that she and her husband were trying again. She had told me that they weren't trying. During the hour long conversation, we chatted about everything else. But never once did she hint at a possible pregnancy. Her parents are throwing her a surprise birthday party in two weeks. I am deathly affraid of the all important grand announcement. I feel betrayed and anxious.

9. Tuesday, I try to explain to my mother why I am upset. She believes that I am jealous. It is the furthest thing from the truth. When ever I find out that someone else is pregnant, I don't get upset that they are pregnant and I am not. I get upset that body cannot accomplish this "simple" task. I get angry at myself. Also, I tried to explain that the reason I am upset with Sandy is that I feel betrayed that she didn't tell me. That I was not worthy of being told. When I had deemed her worthy for her to know of my own problems. After this conversation, I experienced a minor anxiety attack. (I hadn't had one in years.) I get home and do the relaxation exercise and I feel better.

10. Wednesday, I decide that I need to tell my boss that the therapy sessions will be a regular thing. He asks if anything is wrong. I tell him that nothing is wrong, that I just needed to talk to someone. He asks if has to do with fertility. I admit that it does. He tells me to try and not to blame myself, that there is nothing wrong with seeing someone, and that his wife also had to undergo treatments to have his daughter. I am reminded that I have a great boss.

11. I get into the car. And feel fine. All of the sudden I am feeling anxious again. I have not been able to get rid of that feeling since yesterday. I didn't really sleep. I've tried to do the exercise three times and I still cannot quiet my mind. My next appointment isn't until next Wednesday. I really would like to relax.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Failure and Guilt

I am a failure.

Mr. Webster, I will need your help in defining the word and to explain.

fail‧ure –noun 1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure. 2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear. 7. a person or thing that proves unsuccessful: He is a failure in his career. The cake is a failure.

As you can see, there were many more definitions. I will focus on the ones that apply to me.

As I said before, I am a failure. It has been brought to my attention that I have failed or proved unsuccessful in trying to have a child. Due to my nonperformance of pursuing extraordinary measures of having a child, I have failed. And therefore, I have proved to be even more unsuccessful. As I have proved above, I am a failure.

Why does this bother me so? Well, because I have never truly failed at anything. I used to joke that my parents gave me the initials of the grades they did not want to see in my report card; C, D, and F. Usually, I can work hard at something. Put all of my energies and try to change a potential failure into a success.

With trying to conceive, I can’t do any more than I have. Yes, I could face facts and go to the next step with my husband and enter the world of ART. But at this point, I am not ready. Because ultimately, I know too much. I know that ART is not a guarantee. And if I am having this much trouble with my current failures (25 months fast approaching 26), wouldn't it be safe to assume that further failure may put me over the edge? After all, if I and my body failed at ART, then we would be the ultimate failure. Mentally, I cannot survive that at this point.

So, what can a failure do? Well, if you are me, you feel guilty. Yes, add that to the bag.

Mr. Webster a definition please. guilt–noun 2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

Again, it consisted of a couple more definitions. But, this is the one that makes the most sense. I feel guilty over a failure that I ultimately have no control over and fell guilty that I am not strong enough to pursue stronger measures. Guilty for my absolute failure and fear of failing more.

Before this consumes me, and it is very close to doing that, I will be visiting with a counselor who has dealt with infertility herself. Maybe she can make me understand that I am not as terrible as I feel. That I can't possible be a failure, because nature failed to give me the working hormones to accomplish this task, and therefore my feelings of failure and guilt are misplaced.

Ultimately, it is irrational that I think of myself as a failure or feel guilty. Because there was no way of succeeding. It was Nature's failure, and therefore she/he should feel guilty. Maybe.

Happy 4th Anniversary, My Sweet.

You did well when you picked out our wedding song. It is more and more true as time goes on. Love you.

BEAUTIFUL IN MY EYES (Joshua Kadison)

You’re my piece of mind,
in this crazy world

You’re every thing I've tried to find
Your love is a pearl
You’re my Mona Lisa
You’re my rainbow skies

And my only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

The world will turn
And the seasons will change
And all the lessons we will learn
Will be beautiful and strange
We'll have our fell of tears
Our share of sight

My only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
You will always be beautiful in my eyes

And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes
And there are lines upon my face
From a life time of smiles
When the time comes to embrace
For one long last wine
We can laugh about how time really flies
We won’t say goodbye ‘Cause true love never dies

You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
You will always be beautiful in my eyes

And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes
The passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes

Rose colored glasses

I have no patience for people who wear rose colored glasses.

These are the same people that seem to think that relaxing will help with having a baby.
These are the same people that believe buying (a big purchase item) will cause a baby to be conceived.
These are the same people that are absolutely determined that IVF will work for everyone.

These people are so absolutely positively in their own world. The sky is not blue, the world is not round, there is no gravity, etc.

I have no patience.

My mother is the biggest offender. Maybe it is that your mother should always think that only good will happen in your life. But, frankly, it is not realistic.

Let me give you an example of her glasses.

My cousin was diagnosed with a third brain tumor. The first two weren’t a walk in the park, but the third really was the icing on the cake. My mother firmly believed that he would survive. When I told her I researched the type of tumor he had, and that only about 5% lived after the first year. She told me I was crazy and that he would be fine.

When we got the call on the day he died that he had a massive aneurysm, she wanted to know when he would wake up? I as calmly as possible said “He isn’t. This is the end.” I was the bad daughter.

Rose colored glasses. I think I’ve misplaced mine with my patience.

Really people, face up to the facts of life. Shit happens.

Goals

If you haven’t realized, I have been in a funk. It started a long time ago, not even sure when and it was solidified with my cousin’s death.

Thank God for my husband. (I do everyday.)

As T says, “I never knew that Portuguese people held Shiva.”

Well, when B died, I didn’t want to leave my Aunt, Uncle, or cousins side. Throw in elderly grandparents, a mother and a sister on a verge of break down. And you get an overly concerned Dianne. So, we spent a lot of time with family for the two weeks after B’s death.

As a result, we saw many people that we don’t usually see. As most of my family have limited knowledge of what we are going thru, the baby topic came up. I always somehow reverted it to the fact, I want a dog. (Not sure, how I did this and wish I was able to do it more often.) My husband would chime in and say we both want a dog. Then I would say, we need to move before that can happen.

A few days later my friend S told me that her neighbor’s house price had significantly come down. Goofing around, I mentioned it to T.

He surprised me by saying, “Why don’t we buy a house?”

At the time, he probably only thought that it was a good idea because it is something we both want.

So, we went and barreled through the thought process. He really didn’t need to convince me too much. Put the baby making aside (which it was at that point) and concentrate on selling the condo ourselves, and then purchasing a house.

A project, a goal, something to work towards.

It makes me happy. (I know talk to me when we still haven’t sold the condo in three months, and I am all bummed that it hasn’t happened.) However, for now, it is making me ecstatic. Why?

It is an actual goal that I can do, put all of my energy into, and possibly (99.9% sure) that I can accomplish. Something with good old fashioned hard work, I can do. (No matter what I do about my infertility, at best my odds are only 50%. And so much of it is out my control.)

This is mostly in my control and no needles are involved. Granted there is the luck factor. Yes, even with selling a house there is luck to take into consideration. But the majority I can control. I can choose which websites to post on, I can choose when to have open houses, I can choose when to lower the price or call in reinforcements, etc.

It is something that has nothing to do with the great beyond. It has to do with human free will. Wow, this is making me so happy. Free will, choice, unrelated to my fertility, completely and totally something we want.

Granted, I did buy the St. Joseph statue to help me sell the house, so maybe I believe in supernatural guidance more than I care to admit. But, even in the prayer card it says “It’ll also help if the home is in good condition, well maintained, and reasonably priced.” (Check and loads of laughter.)

Stages of Grief

As I contemplate what Mel stated today in her blog:

"The one-upmanship that sociologists pick apart on the playgrounds begins with who has the more fertile womb. Because what is more feminine, more female, more powerful than the ability to create life?"

I am faced with an entry that I've started and never finished. About grief.

When I think about infertility, I try to pick apart the portions of the topic that I can learn about. To understand in a scientific way, especially when you consider that most of infertility has to do with the great unknown.

As I've stated, I am grieving. Research has been done on grief. I can learn about grief. So, it lead me to the Wikkapedia.

The stages are:

1. Denial and isolation - The "No, not me" stage.
2. Anger - The "Why me?" stage.
3. Bargaining - The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.
4. Depression - The "It's really happened" stage.
5. Acceptance - The "This is going to happen" stage.

I realized recently that I have gone thru some of these stages and am seeking the final stage desperately.

(Side note, knowing myself, I know that I won't go thru "Bargaining - The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage." Mostly because I don't bargain anymore. Not since I was in high school and I tried to bargain for a friend's life. I know that God doesn't work that way. He doesn't bargain with anyone. Therefore, I no longer do it either, after all it is a HUGE waste of time.)

The stages and my take on them:

1. Denial and isolation - The "No, not me" stage.

I believe this stage hit me in November of 2005. Despite the fact I'd come to the conclusion that something was wrong with me. I wanted the doctors' to tell me nothing was wrong. I really did. It was unreasonable, but I was disappointed when they agreed that I needed some help to get pregnant. The denial portion for me was only about a week. Reality quickly set in.

The isolation portion of this stage, for me it should be a separate stage. I practiced isolation for several more months than denial and still have a tendence to go there. Isolation was safe and I did it until June of this year. I've gotten better, but even now I still would love to isolate myself and T from the Christmas season. Truly a fantasy to skip Christmas.

Christmas is a holiday for children. It brings the lack of child very much to the for front for me.

2. Depression - The "It's really happened" stage.

Once I got over the shock of it and stopped denying the truth. I was sad. Looking at a child hurt. Holding one, left me empty. The longing was enormous. I felt empty. And all I could think of was having a child. This stage hits me every so often, most of the time I think I am over it. But, then God has a sense of humor and it is almost like the emptiness hits all over again.

3. Anger - The "Why me?" stage.

(My current stage.) I realized recently that I've been grieving over my fertility or lack thereof more than not having a child. Instead of it making me sad or depressed, I am ANGRY. It makes sense, because I am slow to anger. It always takes me a while to get angry, I have to think about the situation and then let it hit me and come to the conclusion that there is something to get angry at.

It is a slap in the face that my body doesn't perform in the "normal" way. It makes me feel less of a woman that I cannot ovulate on my own or create the right hormones to get pregnant. It is frustrating that nature has caused this in me and there is nothing in my control that I can do to change it.

I get so furious, when I see people get pregnant by accident. To parents who I know aren't worthy of that child. To see children born that I know won't be taken care of well. To see people who have done things to themselves (like take drugs or starve themselves) and yet they have no problems. It makes me angry that I have a problem and these people don't.

I feel like a whinner, but it really isn't fair. Just.

And then I remember that things happen that aren't fair or just, all of the time. Things aren't always right.

4. Acceptance - The "This is going to happen" stage.

It leads me to the belief that the final stage is not far. To accept would be a great gift. And sometimes I think I have it, and then I remember the anger or I get slapped again with the grief. Maybe I need more time for me to be at this stage. But, I am praying for it.

That someday, I will be OK with my body.

OK that we had a child with help from medical science or adoption. Or OK with the fact that we haven't had a child.

I am seeking acceptance. Anyone know how to get there?