Your Personality Is |
You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented. Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules. You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader. You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you. A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do. You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up. In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly. At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions. With others, you tend to be polite and formal. As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself. On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them! |
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
My Personality
What Kind of Girl Am I?
You are a Brainy Girl!
Whether you're an official student or a casual learner, you enjoy hitting the books.
You know a little bit about everything, and you're always dying to know more.
For a guy to win your heart, he's got to share some of your intellectual interests.
A awesome book collection of his own doesn't hurt either!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
The Great, the Grand and the Ugly
If you are like me, and subjected to many a western, you'll understand that I had in my head "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" title in my head. But truth be told, two of the items are both really good, and only one topic is really UGLY!
The Great idea from Mel, the Commentathon. It has been so much fun and I love it. So much fun receiving comments from people whom I had not come across before. And I am also having a great time meeting others thru their blogs. Thank you Mel for creating this gathering of support!
The Grand, The Brain Tumor Society's Ride for Research . As many of you know, this occured May 20th. THANK YOU to all who donated. I cannot express to you how much it meant. The entire race raised so far $1,800,990. (By the way donations are still being accepted until September if you feel so inclined.) And our team, in honor of Bobby raised $16,248.00. Yes, we did exceed our goal and THANK YOU!
The Ugly. Yes, the post below instigated some more ugly acts. If it wasn't enough what had been said and done, she sunk to a new low in my opinion. After I waited six months to vent anything about the situation. After I was certain that I had chronicled the incidents without judgement. But to express my feelings. To put them into my pensieve. I got slapped in the face again by my former so called friend.
The events of the last few days have left me feeling in shock. She could not have been my friend, if she was she would find some respect remaining for what was our friendship. Instead, she preaches about wanting to be an adult and not to have been at fault. She insincerely apologizes, and then takes it back by posting on her blog. Then she tries to intimidate me by posting my post to her blog. She has pained me in a way that I did not think possible. It is a betrayal, yet again.
Sill, I have to much respect for what was and I will not be linking her blog to mine. But, the door is FOREVER sealed. Forgiveness will occur, but I can never forget.
The Great idea from Mel, the Commentathon. It has been so much fun and I love it. So much fun receiving comments from people whom I had not come across before. And I am also having a great time meeting others thru their blogs. Thank you Mel for creating this gathering of support!
The Grand, The Brain Tumor Society's Ride for Research . As many of you know, this occured May 20th. THANK YOU to all who donated. I cannot express to you how much it meant. The entire race raised so far $1,800,990. (By the way donations are still being accepted until September if you feel so inclined.) And our team, in honor of Bobby raised $16,248.00. Yes, we did exceed our goal and THANK YOU!
The Ugly. Yes, the post below instigated some more ugly acts. If it wasn't enough what had been said and done, she sunk to a new low in my opinion. After I waited six months to vent anything about the situation. After I was certain that I had chronicled the incidents without judgement. But to express my feelings. To put them into my pensieve. I got slapped in the face again by my former so called friend.
The events of the last few days have left me feeling in shock. She could not have been my friend, if she was she would find some respect remaining for what was our friendship. Instead, she preaches about wanting to be an adult and not to have been at fault. She insincerely apologizes, and then takes it back by posting on her blog. Then she tries to intimidate me by posting my post to her blog. She has pained me in a way that I did not think possible. It is a betrayal, yet again.
Sill, I have to much respect for what was and I will not be linking her blog to mine. But, the door is FOREVER sealed. Forgiveness will occur, but I can never forget.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Unraveling of a friendship that never was.
I’ve been battling whether or not I should post this. Battling, because the majority of the time I believe it best to let sleeping dogs lie. But this continuously comes back to my view and strikes me as something that I must document – as a reminder to myself that I did the right thing.
About six months ago, I broke up with a friend. And it was a big deal. I had gone back and forth if I should break up for over a year. She and I had been best of friends for 10 years. For the last two years of our friendship, and with the introduction of my infertility, we couldn’t find a balance. She did not understand and got sick of listening to me. It only caused problems, because this topic consumes me at a time. And more often than not, she would “poke the monkey” and antagonize me – not in a playful way, but in a mean spirited manner.
This friendship truly turned into the furthest thing possible. What broke the camel’s back was an email trail that she ultimately stated that all she had for me was pity. It triggered my empathy post. And instead of her addressing my feelings, instead of her understanding my point of view, she retaliated with this comment:
This post saddens me immensely. I wish you could be so eloquent when communicating with your actual friends and not just in your blog.
I wish you knew how I have been trying for over a year to understand your point of view as an "infertile" as you call yourself(s). As a "fertile" (or so you like to call me) I am hurt by this post and frankly I am exhausted from trying my very best to avoid certain topics or words when talking to you. And since I have come to the realization that I have nothing but pity for you...not pity for your "condition", but pity for how you are now reacting to the world around you.
I don't know why you expect me to be able to put myself in your shoes, when you can't seem to put yourself in mine. You don't seem to want to even try to see my constant struggle to communicate with you and to gain the necessary understanding of your life now in order for us to remain friends.
I have read this post many times and I wish you could realize that although it seems some other "infertiles" agree with you - 2 Wrongs don't necessarily make a Right.
This comment made me realize that I had to cut my ties, I had to sever a relationship. And I had never done anything like that before. Sure, I had lost touch with people, but never had to say to someone “I can’t be friends with you.” Essentially, this was where I found myself. At this exact point of our lives, we could not be friends and it wasn’t to say we couldn’t be friends later. Because I was going thru something that was so immense and she had no ability to understand why this effected me so. After several hours, I wrote her this:
It really saddens me that we have gotten to this point.
You stated, “I don't know why you expect me to be able to put myself in your shoes, when you can't seem to put yourself in mine. You don't seem to want to even try to see my constant struggle to communicate with you and to gain the necessary understanding of your life now in order for us to remain friends.”
This statement says it all. You don’t think that it has been equally as hard to talk to you, to be friends with you?
Yes, Amy I recognize that you have tried. And I give you credit for trying. But, I am exhausted in how much I have tried as well and the fact that you don’t recognize it is bothersome.
Every time you made a comment or made a statement that was hurtful, I explained it to you. I told you what was going on, because I could put myself in your shoes and knew that you didn’t understand where I was coming from. But, at that point you also welcomed my comments or statements. As long as you could try to understand, I tried.
The “pity” comment. You didn’t even see how that could be hurtful, you ignored my feelings. You didn’t try at all to understand, you gave up. So I took your cue. You obviously did not want to be bothered to try any more. You didn’t mention it to me, you didn’t acknowledge it until today. Then how did you choose to reply, by a comment in my blog.
(Well, if you remember correctly, you told me a while ago that your blog was for you and only you. Any comments I wanted to make in defense should not be inserted in your blog. I only ask that you do the same for me. I blogged about it because I wanted all pity to stop not just yours. I don’t need your pity or anyone else’s.)
It is clear that we have both been trying to make a friendship work that is failing.
It deeply saddens me to come to the realization that we can’t be friends at this point in our lives. You cannot see my point of view or want to and in my opinion that is the basic point of being a friend.
Maybe in a year or two, we can be friends again when our circumstances change. But, now, it is just too hard. Friendships shouldn’t have to be hard.
Good luck with everything, I truly hope you get everything you want out of life.
She responded to me:
You are completely right.
We can't be friends right now.
I don't know how to be friends with you anymore.
Every time I try to talk to you, I upset you.
I have kept a lot of things to myself over the last year and I won't bother to bring them all up now, but please know that although you may think you tried....you did not try as hard as I did to be understanding of your every changing moods and I often felt poorly treated and underappreciated by you and I opted to bit my tongue to save the friendship.
Dianne, I was mostly trying to maintain the friendship because I feel like someday you will have found peace, but until then...I don't know how to be any nicer to you and I am constantly upset that you are always angry at things I say. I was hoping that by you being friends with me, you would be able to learn how other people may view things you say or things you do, but you don't care. Please be careful with yourself and your other friends. I hope you don't find that you push too many more people away like this. It would be very sad for you to lose more friends over this.
Good luck to you and I hope that you can find peace in what your life
brings you.
Her reply solidified to me that we could not be friends. I always knew she had it in her - I'd been friends with her long enough to know she had a snarky side. I just didn't think she would react to me in that way. Crap I was only saying that we weren't good for each other for RIGHT now. And she completely shut the door on me forever.
Ironically, every time that I question my actions, I find something that validates me. A few months ago, you may remember this post on how lonely I feel at times. I just found out she responded to it on her own blog by saying:
Being single together and going dancing. I was in her wedding and we thought of each other as family...sisters. 12 years will do that. Then our lives changed. Her life became focused on becoming a mother. Not, BEING a mother, because she has not found herself "blessed" that way, yet. One of my very best friends (EB) is the mother of 2 children and I have not found it difficult to stay friends with her, at all. I love her 2 kids as if they were my own niece and nephew. Having a mom as a friend, is not the issue. Having someone who WANTS to be a mom...IS apparently an issue. That friend (D) has focused her entire life and everything and everyone around her on her wanting to have a child. It has enveloped her. And maybe it has changed her. She prefers to avoid going in certain public places...for fear of seeing babies or pregnant women...those upset her to see. It became increasingly tough to talk to her and to see her point of view on her new life perspective. D posted about being lonely and I ache to reach out to her. Part of me wants to tell her she deserves her loneliness, for pushing me away and out of her life. Eventually, our relationship became somewhat hateful and manipulating. She would take things out on me and use me to vent her frustration and anger. And I would "Poke the Monkey". I would provoke her or ask a leading question, hoping that it would make her think and recall old feelings in herself that would make her think twice about what she would respond or how she would treat me. Sometimes I just needed to get my feelings heard and though, I tried to hold back (a lot) things would eventually come out and I had a secret hope that she would sometimes revert to her old self and see things from her old perspective. It never happened. She would just end up mad at me and I was constantly apologizing to her.
I will not be linking it, since my whole point is to chronicle the events and not berate her. This entry solidifies that she didn’t understand. She will never understand. And my judgment was correct. We cannot be friends, and we can never be friends.
You may be asking why post this, well because I know I am not alone in having "friends" who don't get it. And sometimes it is OK to quit a friend; especially when they are more of a fiend. Infertility has been a blessing at times, because it has helped me realize who my true friends are and also to unravel the truth of other situations.
A, if you are reading this, I will never read your blog again and I would greatly appreciate it if you provide me the same courtesy.
About six months ago, I broke up with a friend. And it was a big deal. I had gone back and forth if I should break up for over a year. She and I had been best of friends for 10 years. For the last two years of our friendship, and with the introduction of my infertility, we couldn’t find a balance. She did not understand and got sick of listening to me. It only caused problems, because this topic consumes me at a time. And more often than not, she would “poke the monkey” and antagonize me – not in a playful way, but in a mean spirited manner.
This friendship truly turned into the furthest thing possible. What broke the camel’s back was an email trail that she ultimately stated that all she had for me was pity. It triggered my empathy post. And instead of her addressing my feelings, instead of her understanding my point of view, she retaliated with this comment:
This post saddens me immensely. I wish you could be so eloquent when communicating with your actual friends and not just in your blog.
I wish you knew how I have been trying for over a year to understand your point of view as an "infertile" as you call yourself(s). As a "fertile" (or so you like to call me) I am hurt by this post and frankly I am exhausted from trying my very best to avoid certain topics or words when talking to you. And since I have come to the realization that I have nothing but pity for you...not pity for your "condition", but pity for how you are now reacting to the world around you.
I don't know why you expect me to be able to put myself in your shoes, when you can't seem to put yourself in mine. You don't seem to want to even try to see my constant struggle to communicate with you and to gain the necessary understanding of your life now in order for us to remain friends.
I have read this post many times and I wish you could realize that although it seems some other "infertiles" agree with you - 2 Wrongs don't necessarily make a Right.
This comment made me realize that I had to cut my ties, I had to sever a relationship. And I had never done anything like that before. Sure, I had lost touch with people, but never had to say to someone “I can’t be friends with you.” Essentially, this was where I found myself. At this exact point of our lives, we could not be friends and it wasn’t to say we couldn’t be friends later. Because I was going thru something that was so immense and she had no ability to understand why this effected me so. After several hours, I wrote her this:
It really saddens me that we have gotten to this point.
You stated, “I don't know why you expect me to be able to put myself in your shoes, when you can't seem to put yourself in mine. You don't seem to want to even try to see my constant struggle to communicate with you and to gain the necessary understanding of your life now in order for us to remain friends.”
This statement says it all. You don’t think that it has been equally as hard to talk to you, to be friends with you?
Yes, Amy I recognize that you have tried. And I give you credit for trying. But, I am exhausted in how much I have tried as well and the fact that you don’t recognize it is bothersome.
Every time you made a comment or made a statement that was hurtful, I explained it to you. I told you what was going on, because I could put myself in your shoes and knew that you didn’t understand where I was coming from. But, at that point you also welcomed my comments or statements. As long as you could try to understand, I tried.
The “pity” comment. You didn’t even see how that could be hurtful, you ignored my feelings. You didn’t try at all to understand, you gave up. So I took your cue. You obviously did not want to be bothered to try any more. You didn’t mention it to me, you didn’t acknowledge it until today. Then how did you choose to reply, by a comment in my blog.
(Well, if you remember correctly, you told me a while ago that your blog was for you and only you. Any comments I wanted to make in defense should not be inserted in your blog. I only ask that you do the same for me. I blogged about it because I wanted all pity to stop not just yours. I don’t need your pity or anyone else’s.)
It is clear that we have both been trying to make a friendship work that is failing.
It deeply saddens me to come to the realization that we can’t be friends at this point in our lives. You cannot see my point of view or want to and in my opinion that is the basic point of being a friend.
Maybe in a year or two, we can be friends again when our circumstances change. But, now, it is just too hard. Friendships shouldn’t have to be hard.
Good luck with everything, I truly hope you get everything you want out of life.
She responded to me:
You are completely right.
We can't be friends right now.
I don't know how to be friends with you anymore.
Every time I try to talk to you, I upset you.
I have kept a lot of things to myself over the last year and I won't bother to bring them all up now, but please know that although you may think you tried....you did not try as hard as I did to be understanding of your every changing moods and I often felt poorly treated and underappreciated by you and I opted to bit my tongue to save the friendship.
Dianne, I was mostly trying to maintain the friendship because I feel like someday you will have found peace, but until then...I don't know how to be any nicer to you and I am constantly upset that you are always angry at things I say. I was hoping that by you being friends with me, you would be able to learn how other people may view things you say or things you do, but you don't care. Please be careful with yourself and your other friends. I hope you don't find that you push too many more people away like this. It would be very sad for you to lose more friends over this.
Good luck to you and I hope that you can find peace in what your life
brings you.
Her reply solidified to me that we could not be friends. I always knew she had it in her - I'd been friends with her long enough to know she had a snarky side. I just didn't think she would react to me in that way. Crap I was only saying that we weren't good for each other for RIGHT now. And she completely shut the door on me forever.
Ironically, every time that I question my actions, I find something that validates me. A few months ago, you may remember this post on how lonely I feel at times. I just found out she responded to it on her own blog by saying:
Being single together and going dancing. I was in her wedding and we thought of each other as family...sisters. 12 years will do that. Then our lives changed. Her life became focused on becoming a mother. Not, BEING a mother, because she has not found herself "blessed" that way, yet. One of my very best friends (EB) is the mother of 2 children and I have not found it difficult to stay friends with her, at all. I love her 2 kids as if they were my own niece and nephew. Having a mom as a friend, is not the issue. Having someone who WANTS to be a mom...IS apparently an issue. That friend (D) has focused her entire life and everything and everyone around her on her wanting to have a child. It has enveloped her. And maybe it has changed her. She prefers to avoid going in certain public places...for fear of seeing babies or pregnant women...those upset her to see. It became increasingly tough to talk to her and to see her point of view on her new life perspective. D posted about being lonely and I ache to reach out to her. Part of me wants to tell her she deserves her loneliness, for pushing me away and out of her life. Eventually, our relationship became somewhat hateful and manipulating. She would take things out on me and use me to vent her frustration and anger. And I would "Poke the Monkey". I would provoke her or ask a leading question, hoping that it would make her think and recall old feelings in herself that would make her think twice about what she would respond or how she would treat me. Sometimes I just needed to get my feelings heard and though, I tried to hold back (a lot) things would eventually come out and I had a secret hope that she would sometimes revert to her old self and see things from her old perspective. It never happened. She would just end up mad at me and I was constantly apologizing to her.
I will not be linking it, since my whole point is to chronicle the events and not berate her. This entry solidifies that she didn’t understand. She will never understand. And my judgment was correct. We cannot be friends, and we can never be friends.
You may be asking why post this, well because I know I am not alone in having "friends" who don't get it. And sometimes it is OK to quit a friend; especially when they are more of a fiend. Infertility has been a blessing at times, because it has helped me realize who my true friends are and also to unravel the truth of other situations.
A, if you are reading this, I will never read your blog again and I would greatly appreciate it if you provide me the same courtesy.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Accomplished and Ambivilent
Thank you ladies for your kind words of support and commiseration. You remind me why I so value you all. This entire experience is trying and difficult, but you make it much easier.
So, this weekend was CRAZY busy.
Friday, we put our condo up for sale officially - with a real estate agent. As a result on Thursday night and Friday morning I was running around cleaning everything in site. I must get into a normal cleaning schedule, otherwise I'll be going out of my mind with another thing to worry about - is our condo clean enough? Our first open house is on Sunday.
Saturday, my sister's bridal shower. Thankfully, the event went well. Everyone seemed to like the place, food, and decorations. Although, my mother had to cause an argument with me. And the sister-in-law from hell was up to her old tricks. She is the worst kind of bitch - passive aggressive. Sadly and ironically, my mother ended up breaking one of my sister's gifts and really upset her.
Sunday, Father's day went fine. We went to dinner and had a good time. I told Mike that I love him, but that I am grateful that his family is not mine. No offense, but that I had enough of the women in his family because they were way too much like the women in my own family. And that I am very grateful for him, because I can't imagine a better person to be joining our family.
And I finally got to take the HCG shot yesterday. First IUI today, tomorrow will be the second. Again, feeling very ambivilent, so are sperm and eggs. Not sure how many we have - one day it was two at the same size. The next two days, it was one. Honestly, don't think that the tech scanned both ovaries. Because their was one on each side. Who cares? And we have seen better results with the swimmers before - T had that sunburn and then a cold, which he still has. Like I said before, who cares?
Yes, ambivalence is in the air.
So, this weekend was CRAZY busy.
Friday, we put our condo up for sale officially - with a real estate agent. As a result on Thursday night and Friday morning I was running around cleaning everything in site. I must get into a normal cleaning schedule, otherwise I'll be going out of my mind with another thing to worry about - is our condo clean enough? Our first open house is on Sunday.
Saturday, my sister's bridal shower. Thankfully, the event went well. Everyone seemed to like the place, food, and decorations. Although, my mother had to cause an argument with me. And the sister-in-law from hell was up to her old tricks. She is the worst kind of bitch - passive aggressive. Sadly and ironically, my mother ended up breaking one of my sister's gifts and really upset her.
Sunday, Father's day went fine. We went to dinner and had a good time. I told Mike that I love him, but that I am grateful that his family is not mine. No offense, but that I had enough of the women in his family because they were way too much like the women in my own family. And that I am very grateful for him, because I can't imagine a better person to be joining our family.
And I finally got to take the HCG shot yesterday. First IUI today, tomorrow will be the second. Again, feeling very ambivilent, so are sperm and eggs. Not sure how many we have - one day it was two at the same size. The next two days, it was one. Honestly, don't think that the tech scanned both ovaries. Because their was one on each side. Who cares? And we have seen better results with the swimmers before - T had that sunburn and then a cold, which he still has. Like I said before, who cares?
Yes, ambivalence is in the air.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
May I have a guesstimate? Please.
I read many blogs dealing with infertility. It seems most are optimistic, look forward to treatments and do better emotionally while cycling, and have more of a clear cut answer as to when procedures will be taking place.
With me, my optimism is nil at this point. I literally am doing procedures right now because I think I should. My faith that this will happen is not there. Because I've come to the conclusion it just may not. My futility, well it means that when I am in the middle of treatments, I am sad. It takes every bit of self motivation I have to do this, whatever this is.
To complicate matters my RE's office is infuriating at times. The nurses and staff's bed side manner can either be really good or really bad. There just is no middle of the road.
Yesterday, they called while I was at a meeting. They simply told me to show up this morning for blood and ultrasound. I called them back wanting to know my E2 levels, to know if I had any measurable follicles, etc. They told me that they didn't have the information. Then, how could they tell me what to do? I was angry.
Today, I understood why they were dismissive with me yesterday. They had at least six IUIs going on - if not other procedures. (More men in that waiting room than I have ever seen.) After my blood and ultrasound, the nurse told me that my E2 yesterday was 68 and that they only saw one measurable follie. But, that they didn't know when my IUI would be. That depending on my blood work from today, then they would either continue on the 75 ius or tell me to administered the HCG shot and come in tomorrow and Saturday for my IUI.
She called back today and the E2 is now 112. They could only see one follicle, but that could have been the ultrasound lady's technique (not sure what they are called). And they are hoping for more than one. I was hoping for more than one and less than four. I asked for a guesstimate on our IUI. Because honestly, this going back and forth is driving me a little nuts.
I just want to know when - so that I can prepare. You know ask for time off from work, make arrangements for the final tasks for my sister's bridal shower, to schedule other activities, etc. You know take my therapist's advice and do other things - especially when I am cycling - to help take my mind of this stress!
And will my IUIs actually be on Sunday and Monday? If so, small problem, I haven't administered the HCG to myself and T will not be home. That shot is too much like a needle. I don't know if I can put my big girl pants on for that one.
And why is that I am the only person that I know of that NEVER knows when any of her procedures will take place? Leaving me to believe that my body must be more f*cked up than first believed. If so, why hasn't anyone told me? Granted I have that feeling anyway, see above, no hope.
Honestly, the logistical stuff is what is making me so emotional. Whether or not this works - well I don't believe it will - I have ambivalence with a touch if it happens it will be a pleasant surprise.
With me, my optimism is nil at this point. I literally am doing procedures right now because I think I should. My faith that this will happen is not there. Because I've come to the conclusion it just may not. My futility, well it means that when I am in the middle of treatments, I am sad. It takes every bit of self motivation I have to do this, whatever this is.
To complicate matters my RE's office is infuriating at times. The nurses and staff's bed side manner can either be really good or really bad. There just is no middle of the road.
Yesterday, they called while I was at a meeting. They simply told me to show up this morning for blood and ultrasound. I called them back wanting to know my E2 levels, to know if I had any measurable follicles, etc. They told me that they didn't have the information. Then, how could they tell me what to do? I was angry.
Today, I understood why they were dismissive with me yesterday. They had at least six IUIs going on - if not other procedures. (More men in that waiting room than I have ever seen.) After my blood and ultrasound, the nurse told me that my E2 yesterday was 68 and that they only saw one measurable follie. But, that they didn't know when my IUI would be. That depending on my blood work from today, then they would either continue on the 75 ius or tell me to administered the HCG shot and come in tomorrow and Saturday for my IUI.
She called back today and the E2 is now 112. They could only see one follicle, but that could have been the ultrasound lady's technique (not sure what they are called). And they are hoping for more than one. I was hoping for more than one and less than four. I asked for a guesstimate on our IUI. Because honestly, this going back and forth is driving me a little nuts.
I just want to know when - so that I can prepare. You know ask for time off from work, make arrangements for the final tasks for my sister's bridal shower, to schedule other activities, etc. You know take my therapist's advice and do other things - especially when I am cycling - to help take my mind of this stress!
And will my IUIs actually be on Sunday and Monday? If so, small problem, I haven't administered the HCG to myself and T will not be home. That shot is too much like a needle. I don't know if I can put my big girl pants on for that one.
And why is that I am the only person that I know of that NEVER knows when any of her procedures will take place? Leaving me to believe that my body must be more f*cked up than first believed. If so, why hasn't anyone told me? Granted I have that feeling anyway, see above, no hope.
Honestly, the logistical stuff is what is making me so emotional. Whether or not this works - well I don't believe it will - I have ambivalence with a touch if it happens it will be a pleasant surprise.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
My Blogaversary
The year has gone very quickly. And the reason for the blog has changed so much within that year.
At first, it was to prevent myself from exploding. My first couple of entries was the beginning of a cathartic act. Getting things out of my head, the beginnings of my pensieve.
It then turned into a means for my husband and friends to understand what was going on in my head and how to provide me support. Some of those friends took my advice and excelled and while others only found pity instead of empathy.
Then it turned into a chronicle of our treatments, of 2 week waits, and a battle within.
It later turned into a communication channel to a phenomenal group of people who cheer, care and support beyond my wildest dreams.
It is now an outlet with all of these factors. A thing that has helped me evolve and will continue to help me evolve. It is a beautiful outlet that if I did not have, I would be missing something. Because it is truly helped in a difficult time.
And I thank you all for reading, commenting, and truly making a difference in my life. Since without you, it wouldn't be as special.
***
I also really listened to these lyrics and I thought it was so appropriate to my relationship with my blog and struggle with infertility. I thought I would share it with you all.
At first, it was to prevent myself from exploding. My first couple of entries was the beginning of a cathartic act. Getting things out of my head, the beginnings of my pensieve.
It then turned into a means for my husband and friends to understand what was going on in my head and how to provide me support. Some of those friends took my advice and excelled and while others only found pity instead of empathy.
Then it turned into a chronicle of our treatments, of 2 week waits, and a battle within.
It later turned into a communication channel to a phenomenal group of people who cheer, care and support beyond my wildest dreams.
It is now an outlet with all of these factors. A thing that has helped me evolve and will continue to help me evolve. It is a beautiful outlet that if I did not have, I would be missing something. Because it is truly helped in a difficult time.
And I thank you all for reading, commenting, and truly making a difference in my life. Since without you, it wouldn't be as special.
***
I also really listened to these lyrics and I thought it was so appropriate to my relationship with my blog and struggle with infertility. I thought I would share it with you all.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Busy
Promise to post some photos soon. It has been crazy here. Last week, I was chasing after guests and finalizing everything for my sister's bridal shower which is on Saturday. And that drama continues with her sister-in-law!
Also, yesterday, I went in for blood work and my E2 is at 66. This time for cancelled IUI I was at 975. So, obviously only one follicle if that and no worries on the eight. Go in for more bloodwork and ultrasound on Wednesday. Hoping that the IUI is on Thursday and Friday - so that doesn't interfer with everything I have to do on Saturday. Pick up flowers and prepare, etc.
Oh yeah, we are putting the condo on the market with a real estate agent. We've run out of the quick and cheap alternatives and if we are serious, it is our only logical option.
Hoping I can get Friday off. I think it may be a necessity. Life always feels zero to sixty.
P.S. Thank you for the well wishes. The birthday was nice. I went to see Spid*rman and Pirates. I really enjoyed Pirates. And it was nice going by myself. Actually, it was really nice to sit where I love to sit and not have to accomodate anyone else. To calmly do what I wanted and still get to see the previews (one of my favorites). It was really nice.
Also, yesterday, I went in for blood work and my E2 is at 66. This time for cancelled IUI I was at 975. So, obviously only one follicle if that and no worries on the eight. Go in for more bloodwork and ultrasound on Wednesday. Hoping that the IUI is on Thursday and Friday - so that doesn't interfer with everything I have to do on Saturday. Pick up flowers and prepare, etc.
Oh yeah, we are putting the condo on the market with a real estate agent. We've run out of the quick and cheap alternatives and if we are serious, it is our only logical option.
Hoping I can get Friday off. I think it may be a necessity. Life always feels zero to sixty.
P.S. Thank you for the well wishes. The birthday was nice. I went to see Spid*rman and Pirates. I really enjoyed Pirates. And it was nice going by myself. Actually, it was really nice to sit where I love to sit and not have to accomodate anyone else. To calmly do what I wanted and still get to see the previews (one of my favorites). It was really nice.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Another year.
It is my birthday tomorrow. Yup....another year older. No big plans because well - my husband is working and I have no friends. :). Just kidding. I just have friends who live far away or who probably don't feel like going out (eight months pregnant). And I didn't ask.
Because, I'll be going to the movies by myself. And honestly, I am looking forward to it. I know, I sound crazy. But, I want this year to be the year that I do things either with people or without. That I don't hold myself back because I am going to do something alone. See, T works alot. And I need to get out there. So, no matter how insignificant it seems. It is a big deal.
The ironic part is that I used to be more like this, do things that I wanted to do regardless of who was coming with me or not. And the cruise allowed a safe place for me to do that again. It was really nice, I did what I wanted and got to see the man too. Heck he was usually in bed.
But, something changed. My relationship with T made me more dependent. And it isn't a bad thing. I love my husband and he and I plan on being married for a long time. But he works alot. And I get lonely. So, I will be doing things I want to do regardless. Because it might get me back to where I really like myself. When I was independent and in control.
So the movie tomorrow. And who knows what else. It is a step to being me. And grab back some good things that I lost along the way.
Because, I'll be going to the movies by myself. And honestly, I am looking forward to it. I know, I sound crazy. But, I want this year to be the year that I do things either with people or without. That I don't hold myself back because I am going to do something alone. See, T works alot. And I need to get out there. So, no matter how insignificant it seems. It is a big deal.
The ironic part is that I used to be more like this, do things that I wanted to do regardless of who was coming with me or not. And the cruise allowed a safe place for me to do that again. It was really nice, I did what I wanted and got to see the man too. Heck he was usually in bed.
But, something changed. My relationship with T made me more dependent. And it isn't a bad thing. I love my husband and he and I plan on being married for a long time. But he works alot. And I get lonely. So, I will be doing things I want to do regardless. Because it might get me back to where I really like myself. When I was independent and in control.
So the movie tomorrow. And who knows what else. It is a step to being me. And grab back some good things that I lost along the way.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Swaying Back to My Reality
Do you know in a week, it will be my one year anniversary of blogging? Yes in one week. I'm amazed. Mostly because this year has had so many changes - which this cruise allowed me to completely think of - and gain some additional peace.
You may be asking how did you have such an elightened experience on a cruise?
Well, it was a great week. Despite the fact that T got a second degree sunburn on our second day. Because of that I was left to my own devices for a few days. But, what I found is that - for me - it is easier to pretend that fertility or infertility is not an issue. And that if I forget that one portion of my life, I am happy. WOW!
I can find things to do with my time that I enjoy. Read a book and get lost in the plot and characters. Go to yoga. Enjoy the sun with sunblock. Drink a fruity drink or relish my wine.
I can completely surrender to not having children. To accept us as a couple family.
The only thing that was reinforced this cruise is that I would be lonely at points. On the flip side it was also reinforced that if I make friends that loneliness will be minimal. Not to mention that having a child to counter loneliness isn't the wisest decision or reasoning.
I will post soon with photos of our travels. Because of the burn and the fact that I didn't feel comfortable getting off the boat by myself they are mostly of St. Martin and St. Thomas - which were both BEAUTIFUL! (Actually, I went online to price vacation to St. Thomas. It is on the short list of must get to that island and stay for a while.)
And no worries, we aren't getting off this road just yet. Remember we have our three injectible IUIs. Funniest part is that AF showed on Sunday our last day. She was trying to behave. My baseline was today, Gonal-f injections start tonight at the lowest dosage, and bloodwork on Sunday.
But, the cruise left me with the feeling that we will be OK. And in a weird way, I think our consoliation prize life which will come after giving the infertility road will be nice - to say the least. And it is food for thought.
Oh if you were wondering about the title. I still am swaying. For some reason, for me, motion issues are worse when I return to land. Maybe it means I need to stay on the boat longer :).
You may be asking how did you have such an elightened experience on a cruise?
Well, it was a great week. Despite the fact that T got a second degree sunburn on our second day. Because of that I was left to my own devices for a few days. But, what I found is that - for me - it is easier to pretend that fertility or infertility is not an issue. And that if I forget that one portion of my life, I am happy. WOW!
I can find things to do with my time that I enjoy. Read a book and get lost in the plot and characters. Go to yoga. Enjoy the sun with sunblock. Drink a fruity drink or relish my wine.
I can completely surrender to not having children. To accept us as a couple family.
The only thing that was reinforced this cruise is that I would be lonely at points. On the flip side it was also reinforced that if I make friends that loneliness will be minimal. Not to mention that having a child to counter loneliness isn't the wisest decision or reasoning.
I will post soon with photos of our travels. Because of the burn and the fact that I didn't feel comfortable getting off the boat by myself they are mostly of St. Martin and St. Thomas - which were both BEAUTIFUL! (Actually, I went online to price vacation to St. Thomas. It is on the short list of must get to that island and stay for a while.)
And no worries, we aren't getting off this road just yet. Remember we have our three injectible IUIs. Funniest part is that AF showed on Sunday our last day. She was trying to behave. My baseline was today, Gonal-f injections start tonight at the lowest dosage, and bloodwork on Sunday.
But, the cruise left me with the feeling that we will be OK. And in a weird way, I think our consoliation prize life which will come after giving the infertility road will be nice - to say the least. And it is food for thought.
Oh if you were wondering about the title. I still am swaying. For some reason, for me, motion issues are worse when I return to land. Maybe it means I need to stay on the boat longer :).
Friday, May 25, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
WTF?
No seriously. Either God has a sense of humor or I have a F*CKED up body. And today, I really don't know the answer, maybe it is both!
Get this. On Friday, I went to the RE to figure out what the hell is going on. Bloodwork inconclusive. Today, I went in for a follow-up. Bloodwork equals about ready to ovulate. From estrogen count, I would say about two eggs.
F*cked up part, no period since last cycle (you know the 8 follicle cancelled IUI) except for some minor spotting and no drugs.
What the F*CK?!?
***
To answer Carla and anyone else. No IUI because my insurance has only approved me for medicated IUIs. How about that for ironic? So taking advantage the old fashioned way. At least there seem to be more than one egg.
Also, about the spotting, it must have been my period. But, I've had worse paper cuts.
Hope is nil. Will continue to count down to my vacation. Will be doing everything they tell you not to. And if we get pregnant, I will be the first to tell EVERYONE - drink and say F*CK IT. It worked for me :). HAHAHA - IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY!
Get this. On Friday, I went to the RE to figure out what the hell is going on. Bloodwork inconclusive. Today, I went in for a follow-up. Bloodwork equals about ready to ovulate. From estrogen count, I would say about two eggs.
F*cked up part, no period since last cycle (you know the 8 follicle cancelled IUI) except for some minor spotting and no drugs.
What the F*CK?!?
***
To answer Carla and anyone else. No IUI because my insurance has only approved me for medicated IUIs. How about that for ironic? So taking advantage the old fashioned way. At least there seem to be more than one egg.
Also, about the spotting, it must have been my period. But, I've had worse paper cuts.
Hope is nil. Will continue to count down to my vacation. Will be doing everything they tell you not to. And if we get pregnant, I will be the first to tell EVERYONE - drink and say F*CK IT. It worked for me :). HAHAHA - IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY!
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Self Sacrifice
For the last three years, I have been sacrificing. It is something that my parents have always done for me. They would sacrifice for my sister and I. And I think that I started to taking their lesson and practicing it for our maybe baby.
At first, it seemed to make sense. We would get pregnant immediately. Heck, everyone else in my family never had any problems. Both sides of the family quickly multiplied. I do come from a HUGE family. No problems or indications that T would have any problems either. (But we all know that my body is totally screwed up - good fertile genes or not.)
And I knew the kind of parent I wanted to be. The responsible kind. You know, the ones that live for their children. Always think of their kids before themselves. To be able to provide for them, but also to be home with them for some portion of their early childhood. To give them that which I didn't have - my Mom at home.
So, we saved. Paid off all our debt. Made sure that we could live off one salary.
A year passed. A second year passed. A third year fastly approaches.
And all this self sacrifice has not and will not bring us a child. If anything, it makes me miss myself. The self that has always been practical but a little whimsy. The side that wasn't always attached to my purse strings and would splurge without guilt. The part that didn't live for a maybe baby.
So, I made a promise to find her. I am no longer going to live to be a responsible parent to a maybe baby. Instead, I think I will become more self-centered. So I am starting to try to live for us and not for a future that may never happen. Realizing, with a twinge of guilt for my poor husband. I think I may have been living for our maybe baby since we got married. He deserves this too. To focus on the present and let the future that comes, come. While having as much fun as possible.
Wow...another lesson...infertility the double edge sword that continuously teaches me something. (I don't always like it.)
At first, it seemed to make sense. We would get pregnant immediately. Heck, everyone else in my family never had any problems. Both sides of the family quickly multiplied. I do come from a HUGE family. No problems or indications that T would have any problems either. (But we all know that my body is totally screwed up - good fertile genes or not.)
And I knew the kind of parent I wanted to be. The responsible kind. You know, the ones that live for their children. Always think of their kids before themselves. To be able to provide for them, but also to be home with them for some portion of their early childhood. To give them that which I didn't have - my Mom at home.
So, we saved. Paid off all our debt. Made sure that we could live off one salary.
A year passed. A second year passed. A third year fastly approaches.
And all this self sacrifice has not and will not bring us a child. If anything, it makes me miss myself. The self that has always been practical but a little whimsy. The side that wasn't always attached to my purse strings and would splurge without guilt. The part that didn't live for a maybe baby.
So, I made a promise to find her. I am no longer going to live to be a responsible parent to a maybe baby. Instead, I think I will become more self-centered. So I am starting to try to live for us and not for a future that may never happen. Realizing, with a twinge of guilt for my poor husband. I think I may have been living for our maybe baby since we got married. He deserves this too. To focus on the present and let the future that comes, come. While having as much fun as possible.
Wow...another lesson...infertility the double edge sword that continuously teaches me something. (I don't always like it.)
Friday, May 18, 2007
One long rant.
I want to cry. As of today, cycle day 32, I still have not gotten my period. If I ovulated, I should have ovulated somewhere around day 10, that is a 22 day luteal phase. We abstained this cycle, terror of having a litter was enough for me. And I am desperate for my period. So much so, my T has offered “to buy me a period, you know the kind with adhesive on back, he could stop at C*S” and compared my period to “a big long run on sentence.” His attempts to make me laugh, instead he got a smile and “Maybe.”
But truth be told, I am sad that I still haven’t gotten my period. See, PMS is kicking my butt. My temper is thru the roof. I need to constantly breathe and remind myself there isn’t a reason to pummel the person to an inch of his/her life. That it isn’t their fault that my hormones are going out of whack. And it makes me tired, that I need to do this constantly; from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. There is no release. Because when I don’t feel angry, I feel sad and about ready to cry. The tears are behind my eyes. I can feel them.
And the only release would be my period. It leaves me feeling so frustrated. Because my body can’t even do that right! It probably doesn’t help that the nurses have been calling me for over two weeks and asking if I’ve gotten my period. I went today for blood work, to figure out what they heck is going on. Turns out it is inconclusive; making me feel just that more defective.
And these moments make me wish that we were off this crazy rollercoaster, so that I can take the Pill. Unlike most people, to me the Pill is godsend. It regulated my cycle and I had no side effects. Actually my side effects were all positive. (I weighed less, it controlled my facial hair, etc.) And the best side effect, no PMS! Actually, before trying to conceive, I never new I had PMS. It became very evident about ten months after I was off the miracle pill. It was then that I felt this urge to hurt someone. Creating my defense mechanism of hiding from people. (Please don’t hate me if I don’t call/email you back right away.) During my Clomid cycles, it was probably masked by my craziness on that pill.
PMS makes me hate my body even more. I want to ignore it. But, how can you ignore your body? I want to walk away from it, leave it and not talk to it. And I am reminded that my passive aggressive nature is useless with dealing with infertility, because no matter what I do, my body refuses to leave me alone.
All of this is leaving my emotional, mental, physical reserves on empty. It is so time for a vacation. I am desperate for a non-reproductive related relaxation. I am desperate for my period to come, so that I truly can FORGET my reproductive organs for at least a week. To think of nothing more taxing than what my next drink will be.
I was doing so well before PMS. I was feeling like my old self. The future held so much potential with or without children. Positive that life would be OK. Thinking of what sports car I would buy. Planning for our vacation. (Did you know I made an appointment to dye my hair?) But, my body cannot leave me alone, it is hell bent on making me feel miserable.
Repeating, this too shall pass.
But truth be told, I am sad that I still haven’t gotten my period. See, PMS is kicking my butt. My temper is thru the roof. I need to constantly breathe and remind myself there isn’t a reason to pummel the person to an inch of his/her life. That it isn’t their fault that my hormones are going out of whack. And it makes me tired, that I need to do this constantly; from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. There is no release. Because when I don’t feel angry, I feel sad and about ready to cry. The tears are behind my eyes. I can feel them.
And the only release would be my period. It leaves me feeling so frustrated. Because my body can’t even do that right! It probably doesn’t help that the nurses have been calling me for over two weeks and asking if I’ve gotten my period. I went today for blood work, to figure out what they heck is going on. Turns out it is inconclusive; making me feel just that more defective.
And these moments make me wish that we were off this crazy rollercoaster, so that I can take the Pill. Unlike most people, to me the Pill is godsend. It regulated my cycle and I had no side effects. Actually my side effects were all positive. (I weighed less, it controlled my facial hair, etc.) And the best side effect, no PMS! Actually, before trying to conceive, I never new I had PMS. It became very evident about ten months after I was off the miracle pill. It was then that I felt this urge to hurt someone. Creating my defense mechanism of hiding from people. (Please don’t hate me if I don’t call/email you back right away.) During my Clomid cycles, it was probably masked by my craziness on that pill.
PMS makes me hate my body even more. I want to ignore it. But, how can you ignore your body? I want to walk away from it, leave it and not talk to it. And I am reminded that my passive aggressive nature is useless with dealing with infertility, because no matter what I do, my body refuses to leave me alone.
All of this is leaving my emotional, mental, physical reserves on empty. It is so time for a vacation. I am desperate for a non-reproductive related relaxation. I am desperate for my period to come, so that I truly can FORGET my reproductive organs for at least a week. To think of nothing more taxing than what my next drink will be.
I was doing so well before PMS. I was feeling like my old self. The future held so much potential with or without children. Positive that life would be OK. Thinking of what sports car I would buy. Planning for our vacation. (Did you know I made an appointment to dye my hair?) But, my body cannot leave me alone, it is hell bent on making me feel miserable.
Repeating, this too shall pass.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
I hate PMS!
I would like to have a long guttural SCREAM. The kind associated with horror flicks, but not because I am being tortured, terrorized or harmed. But to get out my deep frustration with everything, the feeling that I am about to jump out of my skin, and to release the rage that my hormones are causing.
That scream or my period, might take my PMS away. I really want AF to visit soon, before we leave for our vacation. I could cry. Another PMS symptom. Why can't my reproductive system EVER play nice? And could my PMS be worse, because this would be the end of the eight follicle cycle?
I would like to go home, put on some gym clothes and sneakers, and walk for miles. So that I could at least be physically exhausted. Instead, I went for a fifteen minute walk. It helped a little, but I am still so tense.
That scream or my period, might take my PMS away. I really want AF to visit soon, before we leave for our vacation. I could cry. Another PMS symptom. Why can't my reproductive system EVER play nice? And could my PMS be worse, because this would be the end of the eight follicle cycle?
I would like to go home, put on some gym clothes and sneakers, and walk for miles. So that I could at least be physically exhausted. Instead, I went for a fifteen minute walk. It helped a little, but I am still so tense.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Meme
Ok M tagged me. (Please note that I didn't link her because I think she has been wanting more anonymity.) Here goes nothing. My "I am"
I am like the wind; flighty and breeze; strong and fierce.
I am like Portuguese sweet bread; sweet, nurturing, and flaky.
I am a Christian, loving and loved.
I am a student at heart, always seeking knowledge and truth.
I am multi-national; equally pulled by heritage and nationality.
I am loyal and introspective; both are my best and worst qualities.
I am a Gemini, a living, walking, talking contradiction or maybe
I am just a woman.
Now the challenge:
I challenge all of you, and especially the following people to write their own "I am" poem and post it on their blog. I would like these people to tag 5 bloggers and so on. I cannot wait to read about who you are!
Sticky Bun
Ann
Aurelia
Ellen
Artblog
Now get to it....please. Can't wait.
I am like the wind; flighty and breeze; strong and fierce.
I am like Portuguese sweet bread; sweet, nurturing, and flaky.
I am a Christian, loving and loved.
I am a student at heart, always seeking knowledge and truth.
I am multi-national; equally pulled by heritage and nationality.
I am loyal and introspective; both are my best and worst qualities.
I am a Gemini, a living, walking, talking contradiction or maybe
I am just a woman.
Now the challenge:
I challenge all of you, and especially the following people to write their own "I am" poem and post it on their blog. I would like these people to tag 5 bloggers and so on. I cannot wait to read about who you are!
Sticky Bun
Ann
Aurelia
Ellen
Artblog
Now get to it....please. Can't wait.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Fantasies
Lately, I have been fantasizing about what our alternative life would be. See, I thought the logical progression of our life would include children. Then as time passed, the fantasy changed to having one child. And as time goes on, I am starting to fantasize about not having any. Don’t get me wrong, I still have the pregnant fantasy, especially during a hope-filled cycle. But, lately, in the last few weeks after our cancelled IUI, I’ve been fantasizing about what our life would be like sans children.
You may be SCREAMING that there are other options. But, after having a conversation with T, I realize that the main reason I want a child is to be reminded of my loved ones. I want the biological connection. Sharing of traditions is important, but most of my traditions are based on my heritage and nationality. I am totally getting off topic…so let me continue.
And the fantasy isn’t so bad. T and I could buy a smaller home. A town house even - as long as it has a guest bedroom, a backyard with room for a small garden, a dog, no restrictions on motorcycles and grills. We would have extra room – so T could have his office and I could have a craft/yoga/reading room.
We could go on vacation when we want. Finally get to Europe again. We could trade in my mommy car – I drive a C*mry – and indulge in some type of irrational fun car. Save for a vacation home on the Cape or in Florida. I would keep up with my Yoga classes and maybe start volunteering again.
It would be me, T, our kitties, and a new puppy.
For some reason, when I fantasize about this my hair is red :). It would be a whole life style change. I would no longer have to be practical for our maybe baby. Maybe get a masters degree in something or my paralegal certification, and refocus on my career, or consider opening a side business - instead of having the perfect job for being a mom. I could drink alcohol and coffee whenever I want. S*x would be fun again. I would be on the pill because the fantasy doesn’t include any surprise pregnancies. The chapter would be closed. It would be done. And I would instead be a mix of impractical and practical – after all I would still need to save for retirement :).
And I think our three IUIs may be it. Maybe my resolve to getting pregnant isn’t as strong as others. But, I think it would be better to get off this bumpy road than continuously go thru it. The bruises hurt. I know that I don’t have it in me. I don’t quit easily, but sometimes it is the best. It will be three years in September – isn’t that long enough?
But, I also think that if we end up with too many eggs again, and we are presented with IUI conversion to IVF - depending on the number of eggs, I may be willing. Mostly because my understanding of Catholic doctrine; only leaves me with a dilemma of what to do with the extra embryos. And I do know the options. I just need to work that out in my head, then talk to T again. The fantasy I think is so much more appealing, because these conversations can end. We can be less preoccupied with these dilemmas and start thinking about us again.
Start fantasizing with a possibility. The maybe baby brings too many ifs. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, it is still out of your hands. And it will be nice just to know and be content with what life has given us. And find different ways to challenge ourselves that can be accomplished with hard work.
This fantasy makes me wonder, am I normal? Is it time to maybe stop?
You may be SCREAMING that there are other options. But, after having a conversation with T, I realize that the main reason I want a child is to be reminded of my loved ones. I want the biological connection. Sharing of traditions is important, but most of my traditions are based on my heritage and nationality. I am totally getting off topic…so let me continue.
And the fantasy isn’t so bad. T and I could buy a smaller home. A town house even - as long as it has a guest bedroom, a backyard with room for a small garden, a dog, no restrictions on motorcycles and grills. We would have extra room – so T could have his office and I could have a craft/yoga/reading room.
We could go on vacation when we want. Finally get to Europe again. We could trade in my mommy car – I drive a C*mry – and indulge in some type of irrational fun car. Save for a vacation home on the Cape or in Florida. I would keep up with my Yoga classes and maybe start volunteering again.
It would be me, T, our kitties, and a new puppy.
For some reason, when I fantasize about this my hair is red :). It would be a whole life style change. I would no longer have to be practical for our maybe baby. Maybe get a masters degree in something or my paralegal certification, and refocus on my career, or consider opening a side business - instead of having the perfect job for being a mom. I could drink alcohol and coffee whenever I want. S*x would be fun again. I would be on the pill because the fantasy doesn’t include any surprise pregnancies. The chapter would be closed. It would be done. And I would instead be a mix of impractical and practical – after all I would still need to save for retirement :).
And I think our three IUIs may be it. Maybe my resolve to getting pregnant isn’t as strong as others. But, I think it would be better to get off this bumpy road than continuously go thru it. The bruises hurt. I know that I don’t have it in me. I don’t quit easily, but sometimes it is the best. It will be three years in September – isn’t that long enough?
But, I also think that if we end up with too many eggs again, and we are presented with IUI conversion to IVF - depending on the number of eggs, I may be willing. Mostly because my understanding of Catholic doctrine; only leaves me with a dilemma of what to do with the extra embryos. And I do know the options. I just need to work that out in my head, then talk to T again. The fantasy I think is so much more appealing, because these conversations can end. We can be less preoccupied with these dilemmas and start thinking about us again.
Start fantasizing with a possibility. The maybe baby brings too many ifs. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, it is still out of your hands. And it will be nice just to know and be content with what life has given us. And find different ways to challenge ourselves that can be accomplished with hard work.
This fantasy makes me wonder, am I normal? Is it time to maybe stop?
Friday, May 04, 2007
Take Action! **UPDATED**
From my cyber friend Kristin:
Legislation has just been introduced in the House of Representatives that would mandate health insurance coverage for the treatment of infertility for all Americans. Please use the following link from the RESOLVE website to contact your Representative ASAP and request support for this legislation. It will only take a minute; this is the link, it will automatically generate an email form letter to your Representative, based on your mailing address. Because your email address is also required, you will probably receive an email from RESOLVE thanking you for your support and providing a separate link that you can use to email your Senators as well. Simply click the checked off box (to un-check it) if you do NOT want to receive email updates from RESOLVE.
Please post this on your blog and any boards you post on. I think I will create a separate thread on this board to get the word out.
ETA: If the link doesn't work, just go to www.resolve.org and click on "Take Action" on the lefthand side. Then you'll see links for contacting congressmen regarding this legislation.
***
Also, if you need more information on your Representative of Senator, both the House and Senate websites are linked on my side bar. Please take a few minutes!
If you read in the comments below that Kristin is apologizing for providing this information too early, please ignore! I ask you to still make your opinions known now! I've actually worked in a Senator's local office (both as intern and as an aid). They want to know their constituents' opinions well before ANY bill is introduced. And IF we inundate them with enough requests to get involved - they may actually "officially" support the bill. This extra support may insure the approval of the bill and future approval in the Senate. So, PLEASE do send in your letters.
Also, if you can print them out and send them out via snail mail. This little extra step may actually move them to action. Unfortunatelly, they are still very moved by piles of mail on topics.
Legislation has just been introduced in the House of Representatives that would mandate health insurance coverage for the treatment of infertility for all Americans. Please use the following link from the RESOLVE website to contact your Representative ASAP and request support for this legislation. It will only take a minute; this is the link, it will automatically generate an email form letter to your Representative, based on your mailing address. Because your email address is also required, you will probably receive an email from RESOLVE thanking you for your support and providing a separate link that you can use to email your Senators as well. Simply click the checked off box (to un-check it) if you do NOT want to receive email updates from RESOLVE.
Please post this on your blog and any boards you post on. I think I will create a separate thread on this board to get the word out.
ETA: If the link doesn't work, just go to www.resolve.org and click on "Take Action" on the lefthand side. Then you'll see links for contacting congressmen regarding this legislation.
***
Also, if you need more information on your Representative of Senator, both the House and Senate websites are linked on my side bar. Please take a few minutes!
If you read in the comments below that Kristin is apologizing for providing this information too early, please ignore! I ask you to still make your opinions known now! I've actually worked in a Senator's local office (both as intern and as an aid). They want to know their constituents' opinions well before ANY bill is introduced. And IF we inundate them with enough requests to get involved - they may actually "officially" support the bill. This extra support may insure the approval of the bill and future approval in the Senate. So, PLEASE do send in your letters.
Also, if you can print them out and send them out via snail mail. This little extra step may actually move them to action. Unfortunatelly, they are still very moved by piles of mail on topics.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Random Good Thoughts
I know, how random is this? But, I've been thinking how depressing my blog sounds and there are several reasons for this depressing tone.
1. Infertility sucks.
2. The blog serves as my pensieve - outlet to get them all out. So that I can go on with business and be a reasonably happy person.
3. Too many thoughts are coursing thru my mind.
But, I don't want people to think that I bummed out all of the time. So, I will be putting in things to be grateful for every so often or more simply list some really good things. I did this several months back and that list I covered Hubby, the family, my kitties (furry children). You know the biggies which I am continously grateful for. So if this list seems "fluffy" sorry. However, they currently make me happy.
1. 25 days until our cruise.
2. Lost five pounds. Trying to continue the weight loss trend.
3. Fitting into my jeans. (For a solid week after the creation of the eight follies this was not possible.)
4. The rain has stopped and we will be having sunshine for several days to come.
5. Knowing AMAZING people both in real life and in cyberland.
All right, more serious posts to come. But today, the sun is shining and can't help but SMILE. And I get to go to yoga today!
1. Infertility sucks.
2. The blog serves as my pensieve - outlet to get them all out. So that I can go on with business and be a reasonably happy person.
3. Too many thoughts are coursing thru my mind.
But, I don't want people to think that I bummed out all of the time. So, I will be putting in things to be grateful for every so often or more simply list some really good things. I did this several months back and that list I covered Hubby, the family, my kitties (furry children). You know the biggies which I am continously grateful for. So if this list seems "fluffy" sorry. However, they currently make me happy.
1. 25 days until our cruise.
2. Lost five pounds. Trying to continue the weight loss trend.
3. Fitting into my jeans. (For a solid week after the creation of the eight follies this was not possible.)
4. The rain has stopped and we will be having sunshine for several days to come.
5. Knowing AMAZING people both in real life and in cyberland.
All right, more serious posts to come. But today, the sun is shining and can't help but SMILE. And I get to go to yoga today!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Trumped
The shower was fine. Kept myself busy and my mind was with more important things. More family drama going on. Craziness really. Basically, my mother and her siblings are fighting about what to do with my Grandfather. Unfortunately, no one has asked him. And they are all thinking about themselves. But, the commotion may be all for nothing. Considering he is dying. Sadly, he doesn't have much time left. His doctor gives him at most a few months. He can't even go to his doctor, considering that movement may end his life.
Time to say our good-byes. All of the children have their bags packed. My Mom and Dad are leaving tonight to visit.
I'm praying that he isn't experiencing pain and holding on to the fact that he was joking with me on Sunday over the phone. Even in my broken Portuguese, he and I can always share a laugh. Sadly, I want to talk to him and I don't, because if Sunday is my last memory of him, well it would be a good one, and I would like to hold on to that.
How selfish am I, huh? To continue my selfish thought process, I really hope and pray that he doesn't pass away while I am on vacation. I want to be able to go to his funeral and if I am on the cruise ship; well I don't think there will be a way for me to travel to California.
Also, my parents haven’t gotten a chance to tell my sister how serious his situation is and my Mom has asked me to tell my sister today. My only younger sister, who lives in Nantucket. So I can't even do it in person. My sister who was so distraught over Bobby’s death. It is less than five months before her wedding. In the last year we lost Bobby and more than likely will loose our only biological remaining grandparent.
The title – a bit of a tribute to my Grandfather – he loves to play cards. And he most certainly trumped any silly feelings I was having. Ah…life does have that way of doing that doesn’t it?
Time to say our good-byes. All of the children have their bags packed. My Mom and Dad are leaving tonight to visit.
I'm praying that he isn't experiencing pain and holding on to the fact that he was joking with me on Sunday over the phone. Even in my broken Portuguese, he and I can always share a laugh. Sadly, I want to talk to him and I don't, because if Sunday is my last memory of him, well it would be a good one, and I would like to hold on to that.
How selfish am I, huh? To continue my selfish thought process, I really hope and pray that he doesn't pass away while I am on vacation. I want to be able to go to his funeral and if I am on the cruise ship; well I don't think there will be a way for me to travel to California.
Also, my parents haven’t gotten a chance to tell my sister how serious his situation is and my Mom has asked me to tell my sister today. My only younger sister, who lives in Nantucket. So I can't even do it in person. My sister who was so distraught over Bobby’s death. It is less than five months before her wedding. In the last year we lost Bobby and more than likely will loose our only biological remaining grandparent.
The title – a bit of a tribute to my Grandfather – he loves to play cards. And he most certainly trumped any silly feelings I was having. Ah…life does have that way of doing that doesn’t it?
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