Tuesday, June 13, 2006


I new this would happen, eventually. I have a habit of not really addressing my feelings and then all of the sudden....BOOM. It is never my intention to let this to happen....but it always seems to.

Very often I have thoughts and feelings that I cannot fully express. I usually resort to writing a letter to sort everything out. It is usually to a person. Heck, my issues are usually with a person. But, I haven't been able to direct my anger, frustration, exasperation, to just one person. See my issues are with so many: myself, God, the health care system, uncaring doctors, family, friends, and strangers. I feel that I must bite my lip. I can't anymore, this is where I can say what I'm thinking.

Really, I am a positive person, however reading my first entries you may doubt my truthfulness. It is just that after two years of trying to conceive I think that I've reached the critical point of explosion.

I have a wonderful husband, family, and friends. However none of them completely understand. Not that they could because they aren't me. My thoughts are contradictory so many times that I often wish that I could turn them off. (One minute I am optimistic and the next pessimistic....ahhh.....but that could be that I'm a Gemini and its part of my complex self. HA!)

So I rarely talk about the situation as much as I think about it. :).

Mostly because of my theory that if you say it OUT LOUD than it's real. I'm affraid of saying so many things OUT LOUD because I don't want them to be real. Here is my attempt at finding peace while saying things OUT LOUD......BOOM!

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