Friday, March 30, 2007

I give it -71/2! *UPDATE* Make that an 8, 61/2 and 6!

Drum role please……one 18mm follicle! Yeah, I have one, that large, and it is only cycle day 13!

The nurses have taken blood everyday since the false positive of Wednesday. And no word, as of yet, if I have surged. But, can tell you the I used an OPK last night, and where it gave me a faint line, it wasn’t a positive. I don’t think that the clinic has given up hope of me “naturally” surging and releasing the little eggy. But, they did put a script in for me for the HCG injection.

And I sit here excited, that it seems that our first IUI will be happening in the next few days. Also, wondering if our issue has been over matured eggs, because like I said before the earliest I’ve surged is on cycle day 15. The earliest on Clomid, cycle day 18. My first cycle, I surged on or about cycle day 30 something. So, the fact that I have an 18mm follicle on cycle day 13 – well I think that may be indicating something.

I sit here with some renewed hope. Wow, she came quickly.

If you ever wondered what those measurements for follicles meant, check this out. Did you know that they graded them? I give mine a 71/2! :)


Talked to the nurse. Turns out that there are three follicles - a 20mm (it grew!), a 13mm, and a 12mm. But, still no surge. Must go back to the REs office tomorrow. They have ordered the HCG shot for me. Must also pick up tomorrow from the pharmacist.

Err...I've never done that before. Any good sources on how to inject yourself?

Feeling a little nervous. A nervous excitement. Really hope that they come out naturally, but I seriously doubt it. My body likes the assistance of crazy drugs!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Adventures of the Crazy Pill - Part II

This morning my super duper expensive ovulation predictor told me it detected my LH surge, the pre-curser to ovulation. It is only cycle day 11. My eyes nearly popped out of my head because not only is it cycle day 11, but I NEVER have detected a surge earlier than cycle day 15 with or without drugs. So, I called the nurse when I got to my car and went on my merry way to work.

I was ½ mile away from work, when she returned my call and told me to come in for blood work before 9:30 am. It was 8:40 am, during rush hour traffic, and I was 22 miles away. So, I took the back roads, cut thru several towns, caught the highway at a less congested spot, and then speeded. I got to the REs office with 10 minutes to spare, before the courier took all the blood away to the lab!

The woman who took my blood, put a little Band-aid on my arm. It wasn’t enough. I have blood all over my right sleeve. I did stop at a grocery store for more Band-aids and a Tid* p*n. Turns out that those pens don't take out blood. Oh well. It only spreads it around and increases the stain.

Got back to work by 10:30 am!

It was crazy, and the craziest part. Blood indicated that I didn't experience an LH surge. The machine screwed up, even though it never had before.

Tomorrow’s plan, back to the RE for ultrasound and more blood.

FYI – on the weight loss – it is only temporary. At least has been in the past. I tend to loose some water weight at the beginning of the cycle while taking Clomid and then gain it all back plus some that I can’t get rid of no matter what I do. But for now, I will appreciate fitting comfortably into ALL of my clothing.

And my craziest thought during the last 10 days, my mother sounds like Bor*t, especially when she says "Very nice." So much so, that I couldn't not talk to her on Tuesday, fingernails on a chalk board.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Aggression - What aggression?

Well, T and I have decided to pursue selling the condo - we are meeting with the Realtor later in the week. (Need to finalize that appointment.)

My first order of business is to clean the condo - again - very thoroughly. At one point I thought of hiring someone to do it. Considering I ALWAYS hurt my back and my allergies are very bad after which kicks my asthma into high gear. But, after feeling a bit itchy in my skin, I think the answer is to pour myself into the cleaning.

Sadly, I am almost done with the last baby blanket and I still don't know of the 6th, 2007 baby. And I don't know why this bugs me - but when I say this - all of the babies in the last two years have come in threes. And I want to know the sixth - because we have five! And my crazy infertile mind helps me make the calculations that would make us the sixth.

Lastly, I've lost five pounds while on the Clomid. The night sweats have been a killer this time around. Maybe it is REALLY working. Ultrasound is on Thursday, and I've started to POAS for the fancy ovulating monitor. Time will tell.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Adventures on the Crazy Pill

I start taking the crazy pills tonight. You may be asking, what is the crazy pill? That is my not so affectionate name for Clomid; because it makes me loopy, forgetful, impatient, and mean. There is no way around it, I am not myself while on it.

The pill gives me insight to people who suffer from mental ailments. Because while on it, I believe I am slightly off. Actually, I know that I am slightly off. Most of the time I’m on it, I wonder is this me or crazy pill. None of my feelings are my own. I question every emotion, thought, because I don’t feel myself. I feel out of control. Add to it, I also usually feel nauseous, and dehydrated; and get night sweats, headaches and cramps. On a good point, I loose a little weight!

Can you tell how much I am looking forward to taking this wonder drug? And I do consider it to be a wonder drug, because it did start my ovaries down the road of functioning – remember I’ve ovulated in every cycle (four cycles all natural) since first taking it. (Granted we have no idea what kind of ovulation, but we will know this cycle.)

So, what is a girl to do?

1. Seek therapy: Went yesterday! Scheduled another appointment for April 10th. Very much closer than the usual monthly appointments.
2. Continue Yoga: Went last night! Unfortunately, next weeks class is cancelled, major BUMMER. Maybe a good excuse to go for a message or pedicure.
3. Keep plugging away at relaxation practice: Bought some music and CD clock/radio to help me. And also must start doing twice daily – currently only do it once a day.

Not sure if this will help cope with crazy pill – but a girl can try.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

My Mom, makes me cry.

Today, I went to see the counselor. And when she asked, “How are you doing?” I answered with a knee jerk, “I’m fine.” But then remembered where I was, and quickly added, “There is so much going on, that I don’t know where to start.”

And I started to tell her about: the BFN, the insurance application, the confrontation with RE’s office, the ring-a-mar-roll of the insurance, the self imposed deadline, the up and coming baby showers, the bridal shower, etc. All the stress which has become my life.

But, I was only emotional when we talked about my Mother which came up with my cousin’s and friend’s baby showers.

Yesterday, I went over my parent’s house for dinner. T was working late, and they were reimbursing me for the stamps and other incidentals of my sister’s save the dates. So we were chatting. Reminded them that my friend S’s baby present should be coming to their home soon. (Basically, getting things mailed to my apartment is a disaster, so I often just send it to them.) The look came.

My Mother has a look of pain that crosses her face every so often. I first noticed it when we were shopping at a craft shop for my sister’s bridal shower. She saw a pregnant lady, and the look crossed her face. I noted it, and didn’t say anything. Last night, it hit her face again. Especially when we were talking about my cousin’s pending baby, and her baby shower in April. The look was full on. And I noted it again.

What hurts, is that she can’t recognize that if she is in pain, I must also be in pain. Instead of being on our own corners of pain, we could be bonding over it. We could be commiserating over the feelings of being left behind, our longing for a wanted child which may never come, and our sadness which is my infertility.

But, I am reminded that she isn’t wired that way. And I am reminded that to pursue getting emotional support from her, will only end badly, which saddens me. Another thing to get over.

On a side note, the counselor asked me if there is any way I could get out of the baby showers. Because I told her that my cousin's is causing me some anxiety. I told her, that I can't miss either. My cousin and my relationship could not stand the weight of me not going, she would take it personal. And for my friend, I want to be there. She has been a great support to me during this saga, that I wouldn't miss it for the world.

The part I didn't tell her, is that I am doing some things which will get me in the right frame of mind. Tells which I just noticed myself. When I am going to an event, which either is coming after a bitter BFN (even possibly coming) or makes me nervous. I try to find a generous gift and find a perfect outfit to wear. Check on the gifts, but I still need to figure out the outfit. :). There could be worse ways to cope.

Monday, March 19, 2007


March 18th, yesterday, marked our 2 and half year anniversary of trying to concieve. It also marked the start of my 20th cycle - our first IUI cycle.

For some reason, it seems significant that all of these events fell on the same day. Only time will tell.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Why is it, when one thing goes right, another goes wrong?

*Please note that I posted this intoxicated, and have realized since that there were some errors. So, I've edited as appropriate.*

I am so aggravated. The funniest part, it has nothing to do about infertility. On that front, things are looking fine. I've been spotting since yesterday afternoon, AF is just around the corner. On early morning Monday, I will have my first dildo cam for a baseline ultrasound of the good old ovaries. Maybe we will get to see the cysts that go with Ovary Syndrome.

Today, I finished 154 save the dates and envelopes for my sister's wedding. I've been dealing with more aggravation than I can tell you. Her sister-in-law is a CUNT.

(Now if you know me in real life I've only refered to one other woman with that name. She was a boss that got me fired for a personality conflict. I still have dreams of her spontaneously combusting. She made my life MISERABLE for three years. The last year and half, I would wake up from deep sleep having panic attacks - I cried on my train ride home more than once. So you know that I don't use that word loosely.)

You may be asking than why does she deserve that title. Well, she has blamed me for everything. My sister lives on an island off of Massachusetts. It makes it difficult for her to come home. And she doesn't come back and forth since she has finished her degree (she did this for the last year and half.) So, many things have to go thru email and telephone.

She has done much of her planning on her own. And I've helped her when ever I can, that is why I am the Matron of honor. Now, I don't take that title lightly, anything she has asked, I've done. Including writing 154 save the date invitations. The envelopes aren't a big deal, they took me less than five hours. The invitations took me hours, days, weeks! They were a serious PAIN in the ass.

In addition to the save the dates, I've been instructed to do the engagement party invitations and envelopes (which were completed in September), wedding envelopes, and the seatting cards.

Last weekend, when I drove an hour to go to my sister's sister-in-law's house, to visit with her and her mother to fix the wedding list. They spewed their ideas on how things should be. I kept on saying, this is not my wedding, this is my sister's wedding. And this is what she wants. The mother of the groom asked to write the invitations for her side, I told her that my sister asked me to do it, that she wants it done in calligraphy. She asked not to write names on the inside of the wedding invitations, I told her that I have done invitations for three weddings and etiquett requires you to do the inside envelope. They told me not to send the invitations any earlier than two months - I told them, my sister wanted to do it three months in advance considering they have approximately 50 guests coming from the island (who would need hotel, air/boat, and a car). They told me that there was no need for a hotel reservations, I reminded them of the 50 guests. I didn't bother to tell them that I called the car rental place for a discount - thought that would bring them over the edge. After three hours of this crap, I was done. OUT...sent them the revised list via email - yes, I drove there, sat thru that crap, made the edits by hand, and then had to type everything out - because they refused to do it and send it to me.

It gets better.

The sister-in-law views me doing these things as taking over, she also thinks I'm taking over the bridal shower. Now, when I say this, I am not exagerating. I've done research on locations, found a place that would hold the 111 people that we need to invite. I asked the bridesmaids, including the sister-in-law for ideas for locations. Told her that my parents would be paying for location and food - approximately $3,000.

So, I went with my parents to various locations. Heck, there weren't many choices. After the five of them were thru with our options for dates, we only had three dates. With the number of invitees, we only had three locations that would comply. The choice was an easy one. So, my parents and I went to the location, tasted the food etc.

On that weekend, my parents and I went to the stores. I wanted to see what was out there for options for center pieces, etc. We went into a particular store and there were so many Nantucket items. And I thought my sister would really appreciate that we used a theme surrounding a place that is becoming her home. So, I went back to the bridesmaids.

They all agreed that we should go forth with the Nantucket theme. So, I went out and bought the vases, a cork board, and basket which all fit into that theme. Thought, wow, we are really getting a lot done.

When I threw out the theme idea, and before, I also included invitation ideas, wording invitation ideas, gift ideas, favor ideas etc. The invitations were over ruled with other suggestions. Favor ideas were over ruled by the sister-in-law. I took all this in stride. I liked the invitation and gift suggestions, and I rolled with the punches. I took the defeat on the favor suggestion. Tried to be complient. (The only one who objected was the sister-in-law.)

But the invitation wording, my sister's sister-in-law saw things one way. And I kept on bitting my lip, until she brought it to everyone's attention. And I spoke up. Yes, I realized it was probably going to cause problems before I started typing. But, I knew I had to say something before my brain became, my brain on clomid (PMS * 1,000).

So, I told her, that I thought that the bridal shower is an event for the girl, where as the rehearsal dinner is more for the boy. I told her, that I thought that the shower invitation should state that is in the honor of my sister and not in honor of my sister and her brother. I also told her, that it isn't because I am trying to slight her brother, but that I wanted to give my sister this party in her honor. Well, the sister-in-law from hell didn't like that.

She told me that I shouldn't have posted it, etc. (One of the other bridesmaids started a forum, very good idea, considering my in box was getting inundated by this event.) I told her, that I posted it to make sure that I wasn't out of line. No one disagreed with me, but no one agreed with her, either.

She went off. Basically accused me of taking over, doing everything I wanted, and that I should take care of it and tell her later what she owes. I told her, that I have not run EVERYTHING but all of the BRIDESMAIDS have been giving their input. That I had the emails to prove it, etc. And that she was blaming me for something that I have no control over - the Calligraphy etc.

But the damage was done, I am the bitch. But, the truth is that I was glad I said what I said. I was glad that stood my ground. Until today.

Today, my sister said, "I'm not picking sides. This isn't my problem."

Really, today, I wanted to say - I don't want to be your matron of honor. Ask you sister-in-law. Remember the wedding invitations and table cards, you can ask you sister-in-law to do them. And you know what, good for her. Because this job, is only giving me more stress. And if you don't remember, I have enough FUCKING stress in my life.

Instead, I finished ALL of the save the dates that I had. Instead, I went to two craft shops to find more save the dates. Instead, I came home and finished the save dates. And sent an email to my future brother-in-law asking for the additional information, considering I asked the same information from his sister, and she refused to respond. (Real grown-up.)

If only I didn't unconditionally love my sister, I would of told her to fuck herself. Instead, I am so pissed, that I am blogging about it. ERRR....I hate being the better sucks.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Happy Dancing!


Yes, after Tuesday's frustrations - I talked to my sister and good friend S. And after reading the Imperfect's (Imperfect, but still better than most insurances.) medical plan. I thought, there might be a way to still do the IUI this cycle. But, I wasn't sure. It could of been the two glasses of wine talking. And I needed to check something with Useless (Useless Insurance, but it is cheap and primarily paid by T's company and it is better than nothing.).

Basically, after reading and re-reading - calling - and pestering. I found that Useless will pay for anything diagnostic. So, up to the first procedure, they will cover anything everything diagnostic. So devious Dianne was thinking - Why not?

Why not use Useless for the ultrasounds, bloodwork, etc? I am more than willing to pay for the Clomid out of pocket - I have before. And if Useless pays for the ultrasounds, and Imperfect pays for the IUI and anything after the fact. Well, I wouldn't have to sit this cycle out.

So, I called and confirmed that Useless will pay for the diagnotic ultrasounds. And after 8 calls between today and yesterday, I finally talked to the insurance lady to relay my devious plan. Now, I was a little aggravated, but I also know she thought I was calling to find out if my PC had called with the referal which is needed. But, she never gave me a chance too tell her why I was calling. Regardless - I am currently doing the happy dance.

I explained my hair brained idea. And she graciously told me that all of the ultrasounds and blood work is ALWAYS marked as infertility diagnostic. YIPPEE! Lets screw Useless! YIPPEE! Than she told me that my idea would not work for Imperfect, because they require authorization before the start of a procedure. But, than she looked thru my chart.

Drum roll please. Approvals are only required for injectible IUI cycles! And imperfect, only requires a referal for the IUI clomid cycles. Yes, lets say this together - YIPPEEE!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I feel like...

Let me start off by saying, I anticipated this possibility. Also, there is a very good chance that I may be getting my panties in a bunch - but at this moment and time. I would like to have a good cry. Instead, let me tell you my story.

On Saturday, I had received the invoice and my card. WOO HOO I'm in business - at least this is what I thought. Yesterday, I go to the local C*S to pick up the clomid scrip (my last round on the fun pill). And the insurance, which I had just sent a check to, denied it.

Well, I wasn't too worried. And thought, they haven't gotten the check. So, I called the insurance company. The representative told me that my suspicions were correct. He also went on to tell me that I would need a referral from my PC. And that about the co-pay. Also he told me were to find exact information about the coverage etc. What a difference from my other insurance.

So, I called my primary care and started the process for the referral. And for once, I do feel like someone at that office has my best interests. It could be that I was very specific about my cause and maybe she found some empathy - she even wished me good luck. But, the process couldn't be done today and I may need to wait. She promised to call me back as soon as it is completed.

Now, the aggravating part, I have been trying to get answers from my REs office since Friday. I've called seven times. Generally, they are really good about responding and I don't know the reason for this last debacle. But, I finally got a call back with my questions answered. After I was done, I finally got to speak to the insurance lady.

She was also very courteous. But, per her, it takes two to four weeks for insurance approval of a cycle. So, as of today, I am very close to the beginning of my period; she should be here tomorrow to four days from now. I sit here and I want to cry. Because I was all ready to start this - to do my first IUI this month. TO TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS! And it may not happen.

Yet, the optimistic part of me is saying. Well, you may not get your period for another week. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe your PCOS can work in your favor, just once. And you know the earliest you've ovulated on Clomid is CD 18. SO that is about three weeks.

UGH...I still want to cry. AF is just around the corner. I can feel her knocking.

Here I am again, expecting the worst and praying for the best.

Monday, March 12, 2007

HAHAHA - the High Priestess - HAHAHA

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Sunday, March 11, 2007


I promised months back to share my research on insurance. And I am hesitant. Because in doing the research, I realized that it is very state specific. So, I will begin by saying the following - this is what I have found to be true in Massachusetts.

Also, I am hesitant to be certain what I found to be completely accurate - I'm still in shock and in complete apprehension mode. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In Massachusetts the state law makers mandate infertility treatments - if you are in what they consider to be child bearing age, your FSH is at exceptable parameters, and there is no reason to believe you should not be able to get pregnant.

But, the law only mandates fully insurance careers, because these are the only plans governed by Massachusetts law. Yes, this is where it gets disappointing. If you work for a company with a self insurance plan, you don't qualify. And T and I work for two companies that use self insurance plans.

So, our work insurances did not cover infertility treatments at all. And the law did not require them to.

My RE advised me to search for a second insurance career. The local laws would apply because I would be buying a plan on my own. So it is secondary insurance in the sense, I will continue my current insurance and also the additional plan I purchased.

The one advantage of the law, is that the insurance company cannot deny me based on an infertility diagnosis. So, I do benefit from that - not to mention I will be able to take advantage of purchasing the insurance. It will save us several thousands of dollars each procedure, despite an additional $300 co-pay for each procedure and co-pays for the drugs. But, I'm not complaining.

So this is what I've learned, I hope that this helps in some way. And like I said previously, I did this reasearch on my own, and it could be wrong. But, I PRAY that it isn't.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Must remember to breathe.

As with most things with this infertility crap, something is going wrong. As most of you know, the insurance has been approved. I received my first bill of at least six in the mail yesterday – and it was higher than expected. The insurance cards should be arriving soon, but the bill includes my insurance number. So, I should be good to go, right?

Well, we are also going into my busy few weeks. I work for a company with foreign subsidiaries. And two of the more demanding foreign subsidiaries – because of antiquated laws – require actual board meetings. Which in themselves aren’t bad but when you need to coordinate VERY busy people’s schedules, it makes your life miserable. So, in my latest attempt of being proactive, organized, and to keep my job; I called the REs office, because I will also need to coordinate monitoring with the VERY busy people’s schedules. Can we say crap!

Since, November – saying this may jinx everything but – I’ve had somewhat normal cycles. I’ve actually ovulated every cycle since October. So, I ovulated this cycle as well. And I expect my cycle to start early next week. (The only reason I can come up with is that the clomid kick started my ovaries or that the clomid is still in my system and stimulating the ovaries. I hardly believe this will be a continuous situation.) The cycles themselves are hardly "normal", but I am not complaining, anything less than 60 days is a minor miracle.

I called the REs office, I wanted to know when I will be monitored etc. Get this one – the IUIs were to be unmonitored. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Excuse me? So, I kindly spoke to the nurse and made the following points in a – listen to me, I am not effing around kind of way.

1. I absolutely insist in a MONITORED cycle.
2. Because we have no idea what kind of ovulation I’m currently having. If it is producing a worthwhile mature follicle or how many.
3. I have a limited time on this secondary insurance and therefore a limited amount of procedures.

The response, the nurse thought I was demanding that she change it immediately to a monitored cycle. I told her, I am not unreasonable. I was making my point to find out the best way to proceed with the doctor to change her stance of monitored versus unmonitored. She said she would talk to the doctor on Monday and I should call back then.

Realizing that my blood pressure is through the rough right now and I also know that my doctor is a reasonable person and if she relays the information accurately – she will agree to monitored IUIs. But, at this exact moment, I feel if it isn’t one thing it is another.

Oh – and in completely unrelated infertility news – did I tell you I am my sister’s matron-of-honor. Currently planning my sister’s bridal shower with six other women. The task of getting more than one woman to agree on anything – well it is hurting my head. Than add to the mix – mind you I am writing up 154 save the date invitations in Calligraphy, outside envelopes for the save the dates, bridal shower invitations and wedding invitations – and her list of invitees sucks! I called her to provide me more information and she tells me that she doesn’t know and that I am on my own. Again, what the fuck?

So, I sent the list to the groom’s sister, begging for help. She sent me an email about how she and her mom were very disappointed in the list. I tell her, believe me, I understand and that I absolutely need this list to be perfect, because I will be referring to it for the next six months constantly! Totally want to get it right. So, now, I am meeting her and her mother on either Monday or Tuesday to do my sister's list.

Not to mention, I have another bridesmaid, who is our cousin, and she is all ready complaining about the financial obligations. Crap, the most we will need to contribute is $200 each– which includes the gift! And I doubt it will be that much. Why, because my parents are paying for the location and food – it is what they did for me and they want to do it for their other daughter.

Now, this is why it is bugging me so much – my sister and I were in my cousin’s sister’s wedding a few years back. The bridesmaids paid for EVERYTHING – cost about $600 a piece – there were six of us. And they spared no expense – they had it at that same place T and I got married – it was expensive for a shower. Her reasoning – just graduating don’t have job. Well, my sister was in high school and I had just graduated and was working for below minimum wage. Nope, did not have the money to spend. But I found it, and my parents paid for my sister. So, I am extremely tempted to say, “Suck it up. You shouldn’t of said yes. You knew the time frame, and you also knew that you would need to fork money up.”

The funniest part is that I was just talking to my sister’s future sister-in-law saying that these girls did not have any money to spend. That she and I were the most established in our lives. One is starting her own business. The other three are just graduating from college, in Vet school, and in Grad school. In other words, we must find a way to keep costs down.

All right, I think I’m done. If you actually read this bitch session, thank you. I feel better. Err…why can’t life go smoothly?

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Something is in the air – hope.

A few posts ago, I referred to a party I attended. It was at my infertile acquaintances’ home and many people who I haven’t seen in about a year were there. It was a bizarre night in many ways because it was focused around P*mpered Chef, babies, pregnancies, and infertility.

I went with my friend S, who is 20 weeks pregnant, she had just found out that she is having a baby girl. She and her husband are very excited, it is there first. Earlier that day, they had been registering for the little one. (As S knows, I can’t wait to meet the new addition!)

We enter and the first words were words of congratulations. Our hosts have had four miscarriages in the last two and half years. Their pain is evident, and yet they mask it thru countless baby pictures of little ones conceived by their family and friends. They wisked B and S away, and I was standing there. To be expected, and totally not intentional – they were masking their pain.

We walk in and S and I are discussing the various baby pictures. We were admiring some of the children, since they were children of high school acquaintances. It was very neat to see them.

A little while passed and my friend G entered with her best friend L and L’s new addition Ava. I hadn’t seen Ava, life had gotten in the way. And she is GORGEOUS. Couldn’t help but “ooo and ahh” over her myself.

Later, the women stepped into the living room. I sat on a chair – attempting to be away from the baby. Instead, the new mom sat next to me with the little one. I couldn’t help but continue my wine drinking and stare at the little one. The host sat next to me and we both stared at the little one. She is super cute. The presentation starts and finishes.

I ask L to hold her baby. That did it – I smelled hope. I had forgotten that hope had a smell. So wish I could bottle it up. Ava smelled like hope to me. So distinctive. Yet, up to that day, forgotten by me. So I held her for a little while and sniffed her (just call me the baby sniffer). It was beautiful – life affirming – hopeful. How I wish I could package it up for my darkest days.

As is completely is expected, Ava started to cry. Her mom took her from me and started to sooth her. I went into the bathroom. Because her wailing, it was piercing my heart. I wanted her to stop. So, I went to the bathroom and sung “LALALALA” in my head to block it out. Luckily, she is a good baby and that was it. Then I remembered the smell of hope.

Immediately after, my friend G told me what my Mom had said to her. My mortification was self evident to G. But, after a few glasses of wine, she had some additional courage and she asked “How is everything going with that?” And since I had a few glasses of wine myself, I answered. I told her about my absolute terror of the insurance application. How I’ve been seeing a counselor to mentally prepare myself for the next steps. And that by the end of the year, one way or another this will be done.

By this point, my friend S had joined the conversation, none of what I was saying is new to her. But, still I shocked her, “You’ll know by the end of the year?”

And I answered, “Yes. Once I get the courage to send in the application. It will be waiting for the approval, and starting the procedures immediately. There is no stopping. Must do my three IUIs and Gift. After that, only God knows.”

G says, “Well I don’t know of any couple more deserving.” And I respond, “It isn’t about deserving, crack whores have children. Sometimes it is about those children being destined to be born”


And as most things – my brain requires me to think things a little bit further. Destined children. I wrote this entry about children which were destined in my own family. Despite medical complications and drugs, some children are just meant to be.

When I say this, I include all children. Children created by ART, to me, are just as meant to be as children created “naturally”. My line of reasoning, there are all blessings with spirit and conscious. They are all miracles of life – they were born despite the great odds against them. And the medical community has been given inspiration, knowledge and courage to pursue those procedures thru God. So all children are miracles of life.

My point is - it isn’t about deserving. It is about things that are completely out of our control. For me, it is about doing as much as I can and praying that destiny has been determined to give me a child. And knowing, that no matter what I do or don’t do (when we decide to get off this bumpy road) It won’t make a difference, because God knows my limitations and he knows that if it is destined for a child to be born of myself and my husband – that he will find away.

The reality is maybe a genetic child isn’t intended for us.

It could be that I have finally – Let Go and Let God.

N.B. The insurance application has been approved. I will start next cycle (expected around March 15th) with IUI number one. Thank you for helping me get to this mentally prepared state. I couldn’t of gotten here without you.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Have you met, Missy and Sam?

My cats :). Sam is the orange tabbie and Missy is the calico. Unfortunately, this is an old photo and Missy is much bigger - but she is still that beautiful.

(Can you tell that I needed to get the other post off the top?)

Thursday, March 01, 2007

My Mother

Please note that this post is not about working mothers or that topic. This post is about my Mother and my own thoughts and feelings.)

Why is that every time I talk about my Mother, I have this need to start by saying “I really love her, but.”

During my life my Mother has never been like other mothers. She worked full time, and I was her part time duty. Sadly, this is exactly how I always felt. It wasn’t the other way in our household.

She never came to school events or dropped me off the first day or came to my kindergarten graduation. She took pictures of those first school events, then sent me in the bus.

When I got old enough (about 6), I was a latch key kid. I would let myself in, do my homework, and watch TV. Later, at about 8, I was given the responsibility of caring for my younger sister who was two at the time and did until I started my first job at 14. I wasn’t allowed to do after school activities; no dancing or musical instrument or sports.

And when I say tell you these things, it isn’t for you to feel bad for me. Because most of the time, I didn’t know any better and was perfectly content. The weekends I would play with my cousins and I was a normal kid.

It is now, as I look back at it, I realize that I didn’t have much of a normal childhood compared to other people. I look at the situation and ask why? And I realize that it is because my Mother didn’t have a normal childhood either.

She was the eldest to a mentally ill Mother. As a result, at the age of ten, she was forced to be responsible for her three younger siblings when her mother was institutionalized. She grew up very early. And at the same time, there are many characteristics she has that shows me she never truly grew up either. Both resulting from this very same reason.

As I need to say this, we are far from a normal family.

And the family dynamics! They are very much set in stone and as a result, if I try to deviate all hell breaks loose. (I believe this is why my Mother is having such a hard time with my infertility.)

For all intents and purposes, I’ve always been the easy child; healthy, hard working, easy going, obedient and accommodating. For the most part, I never bothered my Mother. She didn’t really have to act like a parent, because she raised a very independent person who followed her rules, never bothered her in any way, and took care of herself.

So now that I am dealing with infertility, she doesn’t know what to do with me. I am no longer easy. I am going thru a difficult time, which she has no idea how to relate to, commiserate, or empathize.

And this is the part that makes me feel as if I have a HUGE bruise on my forehead from hitting my head on a wall.

Despite the fact that she lost a child at 8 months of pregnancy; despite the fact that her OB didn’t give her a simple shot to counter her Rh- status, and caused her to be unable to have another child for five years; despite the fact that I know, from talking to an Aunt, that she was worried that she wouldn’t be able to conceive again because it took over a year after for to get pregnant with my sister.

Despite all of that, she still can’t empathize. She can’t find any words that may help me. Instead she views my standing up for myself, as confrontational – bitchiness. A lack of compassion for her because I can’t see how it effects her – that all of her friends and family are grandmothers and how that is what she wants for herself. (She is very good at the Catholic guilt.)

My response to her insensitivity – to seek counseling, to talk to my sister (our relationship is stronger because of my mother), complain to T and realize that she is incapable of handling any of my problems. Since my role in the family dynamics is to help and not need help.

And use the same guidelines that I use for everyone else. Will setting them straight help in any way or will only cause me more aggravation. With my mother, the answer is 99.9% of the time B. As a result, except for when she asks (in a very high level way), I don’t talk about it.

But overall she is a good person. And all of those insensitive comments, hurtful looks, and feelings of inferiority – well I don’t think she intends them. I think they are her gut reaction, and instead of recognizing that and realizing how hurtful it is to me. She is incapable of seeing what she does to me.

Deep down, I know, that she cares that she wants to help. Because, here is another kicker, she will be giving me money for the insurance for the procedures. She wants to help. So ultimately, like most major events in my life, my Mother is helping me financially, instead of emotionally.

Sadly, most days I would rather the emotional support. But, I love my mother.