A few posts ago, I referred to a party I attended. It was at my infertile acquaintances’ home and many people who I haven’t seen in about a year were there. It was a bizarre night in many ways because it was focused around P*mpered Chef, babies, pregnancies, and infertility.
I went with my friend S, who is 20 weeks pregnant, she had just found out that she is having a baby girl. She and her husband are very excited, it is there first. Earlier that day, they had been registering for the little one. (As S knows, I can’t wait to meet the new addition!)
We enter and the first words were words of congratulations. Our hosts have had four miscarriages in the last two and half years. Their pain is evident, and yet they mask it thru countless baby pictures of little ones conceived by their family and friends. They wisked B and S away, and I was standing there. To be expected, and totally not intentional – they were masking their pain.
We walk in and S and I are discussing the various baby pictures. We were admiring some of the children, since they were children of high school acquaintances. It was very neat to see them.
A little while passed and my friend G entered with her best friend L and L’s new addition Ava. I hadn’t seen Ava, life had gotten in the way. And she is GORGEOUS. Couldn’t help but “ooo and ahh” over her myself.
Later, the women stepped into the living room. I sat on a chair – attempting to be away from the baby. Instead, the new mom sat next to me with the little one. I couldn’t help but continue my wine drinking and stare at the little one. The host sat next to me and we both stared at the little one. She is super cute. The presentation starts and finishes.
I ask L to hold her baby. That did it – I smelled hope. I had forgotten that hope had a smell. So wish I could bottle it up. Ava smelled like hope to me. So distinctive. Yet, up to that day, forgotten by me. So I held her for a little while and sniffed her (just call me the baby sniffer). It was beautiful – life affirming – hopeful. How I wish I could package it up for my darkest days.
As is completely is expected, Ava started to cry. Her mom took her from me and started to sooth her. I went into the bathroom. Because her wailing, it was piercing my heart. I wanted her to stop. So, I went to the bathroom and sung “LALALALA” in my head to block it out. Luckily, she is a good baby and that was it. Then I remembered the smell of hope.
Immediately after, my friend G told me what my Mom had said to her. My mortification was self evident to G. But, after a few glasses of wine, she had some additional courage and she asked “How is everything going with that?” And since I had a few glasses of wine myself, I answered. I told her about my absolute terror of the insurance application. How I’ve been seeing a counselor to mentally prepare myself for the next steps. And that by the end of the year, one way or another this will be done.
By this point, my friend S had joined the conversation, none of what I was saying is new to her. But, still I shocked her, “You’ll know by the end of the year?”
And I answered, “Yes. Once I get the courage to send in the application. It will be waiting for the approval, and starting the procedures immediately. There is no stopping. Must do my three IUIs and Gift. After that, only God knows.”
G says, “Well I don’t know of any couple more deserving.” And I respond, “It isn’t about deserving, crack whores have children. Sometimes it is about those children being destined to be born”
And as most things – my brain requires me to think things a little bit further. Destined children. I wrote this entry about children which were destined in my own family. Despite medical complications and drugs, some children are just meant to be.
When I say this, I include all children. Children created by ART, to me, are just as meant to be as children created “naturally”. My line of reasoning, there are all blessings with spirit and conscious. They are all miracles of life – they were born despite the great odds against them. And the medical community has been given inspiration, knowledge and courage to pursue those procedures thru God. So all children are miracles of life.
My point is - it isn’t about deserving. It is about things that are completely out of our control. For me, it is about doing as much as I can and praying that destiny has been determined to give me a child. And knowing, that no matter what I do or don’t do (when we decide to get off this bumpy road) It won’t make a difference, because God knows my limitations and he knows that if it is destined for a child to be born of myself and my husband – that he will find away.
The reality is maybe a genetic child isn’t intended for us.
It could be that I have finally – Let Go and Let God.
N.B. The insurance application has been approved. I will start next cycle (expected around March 15th) with IUI number one. Thank you for helping me get to this mentally prepared state. I couldn’t of gotten here without you.