Today, I went to see the counselor. And when she asked, “How are you doing?” I answered with a knee jerk, “I’m fine.” But then remembered where I was, and quickly added, “There is so much going on, that I don’t know where to start.”
And I started to tell her about: the BFN, the insurance application, the confrontation with RE’s office, the ring-a-mar-roll of the insurance, the self imposed deadline, the up and coming baby showers, the bridal shower, etc. All the stress which has become my life.
But, I was only emotional when we talked about my Mother which came up with my cousin’s and friend’s baby showers.
Yesterday, I went over my parent’s house for dinner. T was working late, and they were reimbursing me for the stamps and other incidentals of my sister’s save the dates. So we were chatting. Reminded them that my friend S’s baby present should be coming to their home soon. (Basically, getting things mailed to my apartment is a disaster, so I often just send it to them.) The look came.
My Mother has a look of pain that crosses her face every so often. I first noticed it when we were shopping at a craft shop for my sister’s bridal shower. She saw a pregnant lady, and the look crossed her face. I noted it, and didn’t say anything. Last night, it hit her face again. Especially when we were talking about my cousin’s pending baby, and her baby shower in April. The look was full on. And I noted it again.
What hurts, is that she can’t recognize that if she is in pain, I must also be in pain. Instead of being on our own corners of pain, we could be bonding over it. We could be commiserating over the feelings of being left behind, our longing for a wanted child which may never come, and our sadness which is my infertility.
But, I am reminded that she isn’t wired that way. And I am reminded that to pursue getting emotional support from her, will only end badly, which saddens me. Another thing to get over.
On a side note, the counselor asked me if there is any way I could get out of the baby showers. Because I told her that my cousin's is causing me some anxiety. I told her, that I can't miss either. My cousin and my relationship could not stand the weight of me not going, she would take it personal. And for my friend, I want to be there. She has been a great support to me during this saga, that I wouldn't miss it for the world.
The part I didn't tell her, is that I am doing some things which will get me in the right frame of mind. Tells which I just noticed myself. When I am going to an event, which either is coming after a bitter BFN (even possibly coming) or makes me nervous. I try to find a generous gift and find a perfect outfit to wear. Check on the gifts, but I still need to figure out the outfit. :). There could be worse ways to cope.