Today, I went to see the counselor. And when she asked, “How are you doing?” I answered with a knee jerk, “I’m fine.” But then remembered where I was, and quickly added, “There is so much going on, that I don’t know where to start.”
And I started to tell her about: the BFN, the insurance application, the confrontation with RE’s office, the ring-a-mar-roll of the insurance, the self imposed deadline, the up and coming baby showers, the bridal shower, etc. All the stress which has become my life.
But, I was only emotional when we talked about my Mother which came up with my cousin’s and friend’s baby showers.
Yesterday, I went over my parent’s house for dinner. T was working late, and they were reimbursing me for the stamps and other incidentals of my sister’s save the dates. So we were chatting. Reminded them that my friend S’s baby present should be coming to their home soon. (Basically, getting things mailed to my apartment is a disaster, so I often just send it to them.) The look came.
My Mother has a look of pain that crosses her face every so often. I first noticed it when we were shopping at a craft shop for my sister’s bridal shower. She saw a pregnant lady, and the look crossed her face. I noted it, and didn’t say anything. Last night, it hit her face again. Especially when we were talking about my cousin’s pending baby, and her baby shower in April. The look was full on. And I noted it again.
What hurts, is that she can’t recognize that if she is in pain, I must also be in pain. Instead of being on our own corners of pain, we could be bonding over it. We could be commiserating over the feelings of being left behind, our longing for a wanted child which may never come, and our sadness which is my infertility.
But, I am reminded that she isn’t wired that way. And I am reminded that to pursue getting emotional support from her, will only end badly, which saddens me. Another thing to get over.
On a side note, the counselor asked me if there is any way I could get out of the baby showers. Because I told her that my cousin's is causing me some anxiety. I told her, that I can't miss either. My cousin and my relationship could not stand the weight of me not going, she would take it personal. And for my friend, I want to be there. She has been a great support to me during this saga, that I wouldn't miss it for the world.
The part I didn't tell her, is that I am doing some things which will get me in the right frame of mind. Tells which I just noticed myself. When I am going to an event, which either is coming after a bitter BFN (even possibly coming) or makes me nervous. I try to find a generous gift and find a perfect outfit to wear. Check on the gifts, but I still need to figure out the outfit. :). There could be worse ways to cope.
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8 comments:
Dianne-I'm so sorry that your mom can't be there for you through all of this. Mother/Daughter relationships can have such weird dynamics sometimes! {{HUGS}}
I love how you said this--how you could be in the same corner. I feel that way with my MIL. You put my feelings exactly into the words I couldn't find.
I can't seem to open up with my mom about my IF struggles. I just feel I should be strong for her. If she sees me hurting, it will only be hurting her too. So I suck everything in, and tell her I'm fine. She has no idea we're going through ART. All she knows is that we're seeing a doctor. I don't even try to open the topic of wanting kids.
Your Mom probably wants to help and be there for you, she just doesn't know how.
oh I see your point exactly, like you two should be rowing the boat in the same direction instead of fighting for the oars. I am so sorry and I hope that something can happen to make that better for both of you.
as for the showers, gifts and attire, have you read my mind? I haven't been to a baby shower in a while, but even if I send a gift I make it big and expensive...my own guilt driving my decisions. I also shop for weeks for the perfect outfit, I think this is the "best" way to cope. If you look good you can "feel" good, even if it's only for a couple of hours.
thinking good thoughts for you, you're an amazing person and good things will come.
I also have a hard time dealing with my mom's pain. I know she is hurting but she feels the need to be strong for me and I for her, so it never gets much further than an admission of emotion followed by "I'm sorry" or "Everything will work out." (This goes both ways.)
And I completely agree with your shower preparations. I often get a Mystic Tan right before a baby shower, just for the extra indulgence (and to look more slim, heh heh). For gifts, I usually get something very very large or very very small but extravagant. For a very good friend, I will sometimes get a Tiffany rattle or spoon. It's ridiculous, but it makes a good show... and I'm putting on an act just by going to that shower, so I might as well go all out.
Found you from Mel's Friday Blog Roundup - I'm sorry your mom won't sympathize and share the pain with you. My mom has even been through infertility (severe endo, 10 yrs to conceive me), yet all she does is whine about not having grandchildren and make ludicrous predictions about when and how I will conceive. Sigh...
Found you from Mel's Friday Blog Roundup also...
I am sorry your mom can't open up and help you both with this pain... My mom has been one of the best supporters in my journey (along with my MIL too!) and the support has been wonderful. I hope that your counseling and the people who read your blog can be the best filler for what your relationship with your mom lacks...
I hope you can get through the shower okay... It is so hard to do, even if the new parents are the closest friends to you.
A point of conflict between my mother and me has always been the power that she has over me and me sense of self-- a look, a word, and I'm a sad little puddle on the proverbial floor. The mother/daughter relationship is so fraught with baggage. Thank you for sharing about yours. I hope that you will be able to find the place and time and emotional space to share that pain with your mother, but if not, again, thank you for sharing it with us.
As for the outfit and the gift-- nothing makes for a better suit of armor as far as I am concerned than looking fabulous... good luck finding that adorable outfit!
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