Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Rose colored glasses

I have no patience for people who wear rose colored glasses.

These are the same people that seem to think that relaxing will help with having a baby.
These are the same people that believe buying (a big purchase item) will cause a baby to be conceived.
These are the same people that are absolutely determined that IVF will work for everyone.

These people are so absolutely positively in their own world. The sky is not blue, the world is not round, there is no gravity, etc.

I have no patience.

My mother is the biggest offender. Maybe it is that your mother should always think that only good will happen in your life. But, frankly, it is not realistic.

Let me give you an example of her glasses.

My cousin was diagnosed with a third brain tumor. The first two weren’t a walk in the park, but the third really was the icing on the cake. My mother firmly believed that he would survive. When I told her I researched the type of tumor he had, and that only about 5% lived after the first year. She told me I was crazy and that he would be fine.

When we got the call on the day he died that he had a massive aneurysm, she wanted to know when he would wake up? I as calmly as possible said “He isn’t. This is the end.” I was the bad daughter.

Rose colored glasses. I think I’ve misplaced mine with my patience.

Really people, face up to the facts of life. Shit happens.

Friday, October 27, 2006


If you haven’t realized, I have been in a funk. It started a long time ago, not even sure when and it was solidified with my cousin’s death.

Thank God for my husband. (I do everyday.)

As T says, “I never knew that Portuguese people held Shiva.”

Well, when B died, I didn’t want to leave my Aunt, Uncle, or cousins side. Throw in elderly grandparents, a mother and a sister on a verge of break down. And you get an overly concerned Dianne. So, we spent a lot of time with family for the two weeks after B’s death.

As a result, we saw many people that we don’t usually see. As most of my family have limited knowledge of what we are going thru, the baby topic came up. I always somehow reverted it to the fact, I want a dog. (Not sure, how I did this and wish I was able to do it more often.) My husband would chime in and say we both want a dog. Then I would say, we need to move before that can happen.

A few days later my friend S told me that her neighbor’s house price had significantly come down. Goofing around, I mentioned it to T.

He surprised me by saying, “Why don’t we buy a house?”

At the time, he probably only thought that it was a good idea because it is something we both want.

So, we went and barreled through the thought process. He really didn’t need to convince me too much. Put the baby making aside (which it was at that point) and concentrate on selling the condo ourselves, and then purchasing a house.

A project, a goal, something to work towards.

It makes me happy. (I know talk to me when we still haven’t sold the condo in three months, and I am all bummed that it hasn’t happened.) However, for now, it is making me ecstatic. Why?

It is an actual goal that I can do, put all of my energy into, and possibly (99.9% sure) that I can accomplish. Something with good old fashioned hard work, I can do. (No matter what I do about my infertility, at best my odds are only 50%. And so much of it is out my control.)

This is mostly in my control and no needles are involved. Granted there is the luck factor. Yes, even with selling a house there is luck to take into consideration. But the majority I can control. I can choose which websites to post on, I can choose when to have open houses, I can choose when to lower the price or call in reinforcements, etc.

It is something that has nothing to do with the great beyond. It has to do with human free will. Wow, this is making me so happy. Free will, choice, unrelated to my fertility, completely and totally something we want.

Granted, I did buy the St. Joseph statue to help me sell the house, so maybe I believe in supernatural guidance more than I care to admit. But, even in the prayer card it says “It’ll also help if the home is in good condition, well maintained, and reasonably priced.” (Check and loads of laughter.)

Monday, October 23, 2006

Stages of Grief

As I contemplate what Mel stated today in her blog:

"The one-upmanship that sociologists pick apart on the playgrounds begins with who has the more fertile womb. Because what is more feminine, more female, more powerful than the ability to create life?"

I am faced with an entry that I've started and never finished. About grief.

When I think about infertility, I try to pick apart the portions of the topic that I can learn about. To understand in a scientific way, especially when you consider that most of infertility has to do with the great unknown.

As I've stated, I am grieving. Research has been done on grief. I can learn about grief. So, it lead me to the Wikkapedia.

The stages are:

  1. Denial and isolation - The "No, not me" stage.
  2. Anger - The "Why me?" stage.
  3. Bargaining - The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.
  4. Depression - The "It's really happened" stage.
  5. Acceptance - The "This is going to happen" stage.

I realized recently that I have gone thru some of these stages and am seeking the final stage desperately.

(Side note, knowing myself, I know that I won't go thru "Bargaining - The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage." Mostly because I don't bargain anymore. Not since I was in high school and I tried to bargain for a friend's life. I know that God doesn't work that way. He doesn't bargain with anyone. Therefore, I no longer do it either, after all it is a HUGE waste of time.)

The stages and my take on them:

1. Denial and isolation - The "No, not me" stage.

I believe this stage hit me in November of 2005. Despite the fact I'd come to the conclusion that something was wrong with me. I wanted the doctors' to tell me nothing was wrong. I really did. It was unreasonable, but I was disappointed when they agreed that I needed some help to get pregnant. The denial portion for me was only about a week. Reality quickly set in.

The isolation portion of this stage, for me it should be a separate stage. I practiced isolation for several more months than denial and still have a tendence to go there. Isolation was safe and I did it until June of this year. I've gotten better, but even now I still would love to isolate myself and T from the Christmas season. Truly a fantasy to skip Christmas.

Christmas is a holiday for children. It brings the lack of child very much to the for front for me.

2. Depression - The "It's really happened" stage.

Once I got over the shock of it and stopped denying the truth. I was sad. Looking at a child hurt. Holding one, left me empty. The longing was enormous. I felt empty. And all I could think of was having a child. This stage hits me every so often, most of the time I think I am over it. But, then God has a sense of humor and it is almost like the emptiness hits all over again.

3. Anger - The "Why me?" stage.

(My current stage.) I realized recently that I've been grieving over my fertility or lack thereof more than not having a child. Instead of it making me sad or depressed, I am ANGRY. It makes sense, because I am slow to anger. It always takes me a while to get angry, I have to think about the situation and then let it hit me and come to the conclusion that there is something to get angry at.

It is a slap in the face that my body doesn't perform in the "normal" way. It makes me feel less of a woman that I cannot ovulate on my own or create the right hormones to get pregnant. It is frustrating that nature has caused this in me and there is nothing in my control that I can do to change it.

I get so furious, when I see people get pregnant by accident. To parents who I know aren't worthy of that child. To see children born that I know won't be taken care of well. To see people who have done things to themselves (like take drugs or starve themselves) and yet they have no problems. It makes me angry that I have a problem and these people don't.

I feel like a whinner, but it really isn't fair. Just.

And then I remember that things happen that aren't fair or just, all of the time. Things aren't always right.

4. Acceptance - The "This is going to happen" stage.

It leads me to the belief that the final stage is not far. To accept would be a great gift. And sometimes I think I have it, and then I remember the anger or I get slapped again with the grief. Maybe I need more time for me to be at this stage. But, I am praying for it.

That someday, I will be OK with my body.

OK that we had a child with help from medical science or adoption. Or OK with the fact that we haven't had a child.

I am seeking acceptance. Anyone know how to get there?

Friday, October 13, 2006

Catching up…..tagged.

Miss E and Joei, you both tagged me about a month ago. Please forgive and I will make my attempt at responding to your words.

For Miss E:

Excuse: I dislike excuses, but I am guilty of making them. It always seems dishonest to me, never truthful or sincere. It seems that we all do it, I wonder if anyone is “OK” with it. If it is just accepted, because well sometimes, you just don’t want to do something. Would it be better to for go the excuses, not sure, I think it would cause more anger in the world. Sometimes, I think an excuse is easier. Not exactly right, but easier.

Embrace: The word itself make me think of a Harlequin book. The lovers embraced. But, I love a meaningful embrace or a good old fashioned hug. It gives strength when there is none; knowledge that they are loved and not alone. The day my cousin died, my family embraced each other many times over.

But, I’ll never forget when my mother turned to my father for an embrace. She was feeling the pain, it was evident. My father enwrapped his arms around her. It will stay in my memory for a long while, because it shows to me that they do find comfort in each other. To be truthful, I wonder about that sometimes.

Eyebrows: They should always be groomed. A well shaped eyebrow frames your face, allows for expression, and defines your eyes. And your eyes are the windows to the soul.

Enchilada: YUMMY. The enchilada had me at the melted cheese, but add a little extra salsa. I think I need some Mexican. My mouth is watering.

For Joei:

Snow: As a born and bred New Englander, snow is a double edge sword. It brings a pristine landscape, playing, hot chocolate, cuddling, etc. However it also means, shoveling, and more shoveling, and more shoveling. I think it lost its wonder when I stopped having snow days and actually had to get somewhere. Snow on the weekend is acceptable and much more preferable.

But now, it will always have another meaning and association. Since you introduced the word to me with your snow babies. I love that association, it will always make me smile.

Round: What I fear that I will become with or without a pregnancy.

Innocent: Children are the most innocent of us all. I envy their innocence because I think we all loose it so fast and it can never be replaced.

Cookie: Warm chocolate chip cookies. I think I need to do some baking. The kind you can use for a sundae.

I think everyone I know was tagged. Sorry.

God has a sense of humor.

I see Him sitting on a big comfy couch with a large TV. Remote in hand, and continuously flipping through the channels. Occasionally, stopping at a saga, drama, comedy, etc. The shows are our lives.

On my channel, I believe He has directed a sadistic comedy. Yes, I am not saying that He has an evil side, I am saying that sometimes He has a sick sense of humor.

Let me tell you of two things that recently have happened in the last week, and you can tell me what you think.

We just recently hired an attorney. About eighteen months ago, we interviewed her. At that time, and even now I was encouraging my boss to hire her. We finally did.

She comes into the office on her first day. As soon as she walked in, I noticed a small bump. Yup, you guessed it, she is three months pregnant with her second. So, my once pregnant army free environment at work is no longer.

As we all know, I have had drama in my life with the simple task of ovulating. (Yeah, I know simple, very funny.) Guess what happened this cycle? As soon as, T and I decided whatever, we are going to take a break, lick our wounds and concentrate on other things for a little while. I ovulated. Actually earlier than when on the Clomid. Right in time, so that I can’t drink at the up coming wedding. How convenient?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Free Choice

Free choice is an interesting thing. It is our will, our choice, as a human to do something. It can be good and it can be bad. I like free choice, because it also means control. The type of person I am, I need and like control. Things that I can dictate the end result to.

When free choice is taken away, it puts me in a tail spin. For the last twenty-four months, I’ve been in a crazy state because of my lack of control, there is no free choice with infertility.

It is a cross to bare, my cross. As a Christian, I believe that we all have crosses to bare. Jesus had the ultimate cross to bare, he had to die for us. But, we all have crosses. I’ve decided that it is the thing that I have no control over; it is the item that nature has placed in my lap without reason or explanation. It is something I have no free choice over. I believe we all have this, something that we have no control over.

I realized recently, that my cousin dealt with this knowledge at a very young age. He was forced to deal with something that he had no free choice over. But, he had free choice in how he would react to it. I’ve been shown that reality by two other friends and a second cousin that died of terminal illnesses. They always knew their time was short, but they choose to be remarkable people and do what they could with their lives. Yes, this also meant they fought to battle their diseases, but in the end they did their best to live their lives the way they wanted to live them. They never put things on hold for the what if, they lived first and for most.

This is a lesson learned recently by me. I’ve been putting my life and my husband’s life on hold. We are constantly having our lives and budget dictated by my reproductive cycle, ovulation predictors, examinations, treatments, etc. We have put everything else on hold. From buying a house to taking a vacation, it is time that we move forward and do something that is in our control. Take a step that has nothing to do with us becoming parents, but it is something that we both want.

So, we are going to sell our condo and buy a house. We are going to settle in, continue to use the predictor sticks, live our lives and go on with it. Take vacations, when we can afford it after the house :). Buy a dog when we are ready. If a baby happens, fantastic and if not, we reexamine treatment later.

After all, since I seriously doubt it will happen right now or any time soon. I think I need to regain some hope. It will take some serious time for this to happen. Also, our path may not lead to treatment but to adoption. I am more and more inclined to think this maybe a solution to our dilemma. It may be something that might be more right for us. Or maybe living without kids is our destiny. May be God is telling us that you aren’t meant to be responsible for a child, you’ve all ready been responsible, and it is now your opportunity to have fun. I have no idea what life is going to present.....more on that topic for another day.