Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Ready or Not!

The insurance application has been sent today via fax. So ready or not, it is done.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

My Pensieve

It is what my blog is turning into. A pensieve in which I hold life events and thoughts that may potentially consume me.

The latest three:

The future is no longer bright and sunny with endless possibilities to me. It is now, ominous and terrifying with limitations.
While out with my mother yesterday, I noticed that she too see all the babies and pregnant ladies of the world. Unfortunately she can’t get over her own sadness about the situation so that she can talk to me about it. Instead of her trying to empathize, she can only think about how it is effecting her which causes her to say and do inconsiderate things to me. And as time goes by, the rift in our relationship deepens.
My friend G last night told me that she saw my mother at a store. G was with her two children and her own mother. My mother proceeds to tell G and her mother, “No babies yet.” My mother has no idea whether or not G knows.

G and I were very close at one point, but life has gotten in the way and we don’t see each other all that often. So basically, my mother is outing me with people. So much for me keeping control of my circle of knowing.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Please donate. **With additions in the comment section.**

Thank you ladies for your words of support. No worries, I will indeed do the insurance application. The feeling of utter terror was so overwhelming, that I needed to vocalize it here before it consumed me.

This blog is a safe place, where without saying things out loud, I can say them here. And as a pensieve, my thoughts, feelings, etc. are held here without consuming me.

Ok...for the reason I am posting today.

My family and I are continuing my cousin's faithful service to the Brain Tumor Society and their yearly Ride for the Cure. As my part (since I am hoping to be ART cycling during the event), I thought to start a blog and I will be virtually riding.

The blog link is right here, please click Bobby's Bikers. And if you can spare any money, please do donate.

If you feel so inclined, please refer others to the blog. (I've posted some photos of the handsome man.)

Thank you all for everything.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Petrified by an insurance application.

Today, while I sat in my car and replayed (in my head) my telephone conversation with my sister, I realized that I am not just a little scared. I am petrified.

And this realization is only confirmed by having the insurance application on my dinning room table for several weeks. It remains in the sealed package it came in. I have been avoiding that package for its double meaning.

It means that once we are approved, we will HAVE to start our next step. And right now, it doesn’t just feel like a step. It feels like a huge canyon that I need to find a way around. The canyon created by my enormous fear of failure. My fear of failed cycles is only reinforced by my experience of failure in the last two years and five months. The only success has been to make the darn thing ovulate, what it is intended to do. Other than that, not one maybe baby. None.

Only hurt. Pain. Disappointment. Discouragement.

And I am scared of more failure, more pain, more disappointment and more discouragement. I am petrified of how destroyed I will be if the IUIs fail. If the G-IFT fails. If this long journey was all for nothing and all I will be left with is my worthless reproductive system.

The end point only intensifies my distress over doing procedures. It adds to my fear. Because each procedure will be one more step to the end of this road. It will be final and each procedure represents one step closer to that end. It scares me, how much those failed cycles will hurt.

(Yes, I know that they very well could work. But, the odds are still against us and this is what I need to remember to survive those possible failed cycles.)

And it doesn’t help that my parents BELIEVE that the IUI will work. Not a little belief, but full fledge they are going to be very disappointed belief. They don’t know how it feels to be that disappointed. I don’t want to be the cause for that disappointment; for that heart break.

All of this adds to my deep want to escape infertility. To avoid it all. To not think about us getting pregnant. To hide.

Anything, but to face what has become my reality - the insurance application.

The last part of the conversation – Dianne you are strong, and you will get thru this.

What I wanted to reply, “I don’t feel strong. I need someone to hold my hand. To help me sit down and face that application, because right now all I feel is petrified.”

Monday, February 19, 2007

Insecure, Unaccepted, and Unworthy.

Yesterday, my T and I went to a family party. It wasn’t a typical party, one in honor of my deceased cousin’s birthday. So, I felt an absolute need to be present.

Since December, I have completely avoided all of my maternal family parties. Mostly because, only way I can describe it, my girl cousins make me feel like I am in high school again – insecure, unaccepted and unworthy.

These feelings aren’t new. If I am realistic, they have always made me feel sub-par. I don’t wear designer jeans, own a house, or carry a Gucci purse. I wear JCrew jeans, own a condo, and carry a wide variety of cute purses but nothing too expensive. And when I am not in there presence, I feel mostly secure, accepted, and a worthy individual.

All of our conversations are superficial. I try to ask about there lives, at least the parts I know about, to find out how they really are. But, they never return the questions. They don’t want to know.

I feel like I am taboo.

Infertility has made it worse. It reinforces the feeling that I am being left behind with everyone I have grown up with. (All of the women in my lives, which I grew up with are either entering into motherhood or are mothers.) And I feel alienated from them. For the most part, this isn’t caused by anything they do, it is my own insecurity coming out.

It gets me to question, why would they want to remain friends with me. Since, you are friends with people that you have things in common with, and soon enough the largest part of their lives; I won’t be able to commiserate with, because I won’t have that in common with them.

My friends are limited. This really never bothered me before this last year. I have only a few very good friends. Unfortunately, the majority don’t live anywhere near me; only one lives within driving distance. I feel even more isolated. And in jeopardy of being even more lonely, since if I loose one more friend to infertility than I will only have two, etc. The loneliness I feel is increasing as we speak.

I have acquaintances, but I don’t see them regularly and they either work 70 hours a week or have families of their own. Although, I like them, and I think we could be very good friends. These circumstances make me feel less inclined to call them; because I know they are busy.

Work, I love my job for the content and excellent boss I have. But, it isn’t a very social group. No one around my age or able to go to lunch with (they are all part time). And it only increases my loneliness.

So, I’ve tried to do more activities on my own after work. Partly because I like the activities, but also I have a desire to make more friends. Granted, I have only started to do this recently, but I haven’t met one person besides the Yoga teacher or counselor. They are paid to hang out with me.

Maybe it isn’t my cousins, maybe it is me. And maybe they just remind me how worthless I feel. And the majority of the time, I can ignore it.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Counselor, procedures, and friends, oh my!

In November, when I first talked to my counselor – lets call her Saint – I told her that I was on a break until February. But, I was mulling over the idea of waiting out all the pending babies of 2007.

She quickly asked me why. I told her, “Well because when I am actively cycling using procedures, I get more emotional and I am afraid to go thru those emotions at same time as the events that go along with those births.”

Saint said, “If you start to do that now, you’ll never start any procedures. I will help you get thru those emotions.”

And I can’t help but agree. But, I am still fearful of the procedures and what it will do to me and my friends.

Luckily, I ran across this entry
by Tertia at So Close and I was given a voice to my thoughts. It is an entry about how to be a friend to an infertile.

(Yes, I know I’ve written a similar entry. But, this is from someone who has survived the infertility journey – jumped over the chasm and landed with twins! When I wrote my post it was written from the newly infertile point of view. I was starting to enter the middle portion of my journey, but I still was new at infertility.)

The following words Tertia uses, spoke volumes to me:

“5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.”

This is what I originally left out. Such an important part. Ask me, and I will tell you. But, most importantly accept it when I am having a good day. I still need and want to be your friend too. I want to be able to celebrate your blessings. I want to be able to go to the maternity store with you, the baby store, etc. I want to be able to see you experience mother hood. Because what you are experiencing is life changing. And, I want to be there for you. Seeing you going thru it all, because that is what friends do.

I know that I won’t always be able to go to those places or do those things. There are times (even when I am not going thru procedures) that I am not emotionally strong enough to do those things. But my good days (at least for right now) out weigh my bad days. And when I say, “Lets go.” Take me up on the good day, because I want to desperately share in your joy as much as possible. Since that is what friends do, they share in your life.

And it will help me feel like I may have won a battle against infertility – I’ll be reminded that my whole is stronger than my malfunctioning useless reproductive system. Enforcing, I will survive.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Story about Ovary donation!

Yup, you read that correctly. Please read this story about ovary donation between sisters.

Turns out that they have attempted it once before. Amazing what science can do. Too bad my sister and I don't even have the same blood type. Oh well. May be it can help someone else. So check it out!

Monday, February 12, 2007

Looking for signs.

I always do it. Looking for supernatural signs that something will happen. It could be an illogical need to try to figure out if I am doing the right thing, following a plan. Maybe it is the influence of my Grandmother. And I’ll need to think about that at another time. Right now, I want to talk about my signs.

When my cousin B died, on his death bed, I asked him to send me my Angel. (It was what his mother called him. Her Angel.)

I figured when his sister ended up being pregnant, it just meant that she needed her Angel more than I. And I needed to wait.

Immediately after B’s death, I had a recurring dream. It consisted of my father-in-law (who I never met) and my cousin B sitting at a bar. My father-in-law met him and asked if he wanted to chat a bit. They are talking about heaven and such, when a group of teens walk into the bar. My father-in-law turns to B and says “I want to introduce you to Dianne and T’s kids.”

A few minutes later, our three kids say “We thought to ask our cousins to come and visit.” My sister and cousins’ children walk in (some are his nieces and nephews).

Every time I wake up and smile, thinking that my kids are getting to spend time with their grandfather and my cousin. They are getting to know us thru them, just like they will get to know them thru us. And it leaves me with hope, that we will have a child (per my dream there will be three).

A few weeks ago, my family had a memorial mass for B. T and I attended and I vividly recalled this dream. The mass was immediately after my ovulation. And I was filled with hope. (Believe me, at this point, I was not feeling anything and I yelled at her to get away.) Nevertheless the mass left me feeling hopeful. And it reminded me of what I asked of B. To send me my Angel.

Soon after, a friend reminded me that everything happens in threes. In 2007, I know of 5 people giving birth. One has been born, and I am anticipating the arrival of the next four within the next few months. But for me, pregnancies/babies always happen in threes. And since I have five, I know that there will be a sixth very soon. And it gave me hope.

The moral of the story, I need to stop reading signs that aren’t there. Remember that most signs are only determined after the fact, even then it is more of someone reading meaning into something that probably has no meaning.

And the more I attempt to read signs, the more I am reminded that there is no plan. We humans must do the best we can, because there is very little pre-determined.

I’m becoming very cynical because of FALSE hope.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Oh Yeah, I hate you more! (And thank you!)

Yesterday, I realized that my body hates me just as much as I hate it.

I woke up on Friday in pain. My first thought, "Oh God, I have to go to work. It'll be OK, just fake it. Medicate and fake it."

Did my morning routine, then took M*trin (which usually works) and a Th*rmac*re heat wrap in the front of me.

Got into the car and realized that wasn't enough. Stopped at the grocery store and bought more heating pads. First thing I did when I got to work is to put one on my back too.

Then I started to work. *Beep*Beep*Beep*. Yes, today was going to be a busy day. Boss comes in, needs info. Try to obtain it and more *Beep*Beep*Beep*. (My em@il and inst@antm@ssenger alert me.)

Secretary and 37 week pregnant attorney chatting.

We work in very close quarters, and usually it doesn't bother me. But, the 37 week tummy was buggin me for some reason. Oh yeah, it could be because we were having cake in her honor. The reason I HAD to go to work today! I HAD to buy the cake.

Stayed until one and I couldn't take it any more. I still had several more hours of work. But, I realized that my eyes were tearing. And I didn't know if it was the physical pain (because it didn't subside) or the emotional pain.

So I went home.

I've never taken sick time for really bad cramps, but effectively I did yesterday. And I am reminded that there is a first time for everything. Came home and watched movies. And physically I didn't feel any better, but emotionally I was in a safe place with no extremelly pregnant bellies at eye level.


Thank you ladies for your virtual hugs, words of support, and helping hand. Emotionally I am doing much better today. Infertility sucks, but the community is B E A U T I F U L. Thank you. (Two little words that mean so much, but yet don't say it all.) I am very grateful for each and every one of you.

Friday, February 09, 2007


Ridiculous for thinking that body could get pregnant “naturally,” after all ready having coming to that conclusion long before this cycle.

Ridiculous for taking all of you along on this roller-coaster ride.

Ridiculous that I gave my reproductive system any credit for getting anything right. (Probably a great lesson to have learned before starting the IUIs.)

Ridiculous that I fell for FALSE hope, AGAIN.

Ridiculous because my FALSE hope infected others, and how that makes me that so much more angrier because my reproductive cycle is not only effecting me, it screwing with so many others.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Hate, Loath, etc. (Yet, not strong enough words.)

I would like a separation from my reproductive system.

No, I am not talking about a mental separation. I am talking about a complete severance from my being. Having it thrown against something hard, a wall isn’t hard enough, a mountain of granite is what I am envisioning. Stomping on it, then putting it in a blender so that there is NOTHING left.

It is obviously big piece of crap. It is the epitome of evil. In the dictionary, a picture of my malfunctioning, destructive, irritating reproductive cycle should be adjacent to evil.

If it isn’t obvious the Wicked Witch – Aunt Flo – (whatever you want to call it) just showed.

A few days ago, I got an article about womb transplants from the American Fertility Association. And I thought, wow, I’ve been saying that I would like a reproductive system transplant for several years. It seems that they are getting closer to that point!

(Yes, I realize how ridiculous that is, considering it brings in to the effect you are essentially having donor eggs etc. And since I don’t think that is an option here, it is a ludicrous idea. But, I never said this was a rational thought.)

Right now, I want NOTHING to do with any reproductive system.

Right now, I don’t believe it will eventually happen. (Heck, I don’t believe that at any point and time, haven’t for quite some time. And actually, coming around to it and being OK.)

Right now, I want to roll into the fetal position (in my bed) and cry. (But I can’t because instead I’m sitting at my desk at work.)

Right now, I realize that I should never hope unless there is more than 6% chance, because the probability is just not there and feeling like this is just not worth it.

Later (in a few days), I will pick myself up; start the insurance procedure and we will start IUIs in March.

But, right now, it really hurts.

Hope Diminishing? **TMI ALERT**

This cycle is has been an emotional roller-coaster. But, since when isn't infertility?

The text book symptoms:
1. The spotting on cd 10 and 11.
2. Gums bleeding when brushing teeth. (I take very good care of my teeth, this hardly happens!)
3. Drinking over 100 oz. of water.
4. Bloody nose.

Yet, yesterday when I started to cramp, I thought that could be it, the Fat Lady knocking before her grand performance. But, instead, nothing was accompanied with it, which is customary. Then this morning, I saw something that resemblems my "normal" spotting (which included only old blood).

So, hope is diminishing. If the Wicked Witch shows today, it should be no later than this afternoon, and hope will be gone.

Yes, I'll be sad, but I'll live; which is my biggest lesson during infertily.

But, a little part of me wants to believe, doesn't want to give out hope just yet. Because the Fat Lady hasn't performed yet. And there those symptoms, and cramps can sometimes be a symptom themselves. How about the fact, you HAD to go to bed last night. And maybe what you saw resulted from yoga last night, which was a more rigorous class.

So, ultimately, I guess I still have a little hope. Which to me is better than too much hope and none at all. By default, cautious optimism may have won out. Huh, who would've figured that?

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Relaxation Visual

In the technique I use, I have to visualize a place that I love. Welcome to my visual, in the next few days, I’ll need this photo help me remember a more relaxed time prior to all of the craziness of infertility, 2ww, and all other roller-coasters.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

On the ledge again - TMI **UPDATED**

Pink on the TP. It is CD30 - 10 DPO. Much to early for my period. Need I say more?

I don't like the ledge, I'm afraid of heights. And the drop, hurts.


Still on the ledge. Err...feeling rather obsessive, slightly going mad.

Basically, my LP is usually about 16 to 20 days long. It is only 11 DPO. And not to mention but I don't usually spot longer than a day. Yesterday, well it was non-existent and today too. And no serious cramps which ALWAYS proceed AF by several days.

Very, very, very, very hopeful. And I don't want to be. UGH!

So, if AF doesn't show before this weekend, I will be peeing on a stick on Saturday. Although, I just hate spending the money. Especially since it could very well be all for not because my periods could last about 118 days.

Although peeing on a stick before is not a wise idea if it is a BFN. Should wash the bathroom floor, so that it is at least clean when I lay on it when I see the BFN. Because the fall is going to hurt.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Crochet - My hobby **UPDATED**

It started a month before we started to try.

A friend of T's was having a baby and we had gotten to be very close to this family. T was going to be the baby's Godfather. And I wanted to do something special.

I remembered that I knew some basic stitches in crochet and with my Mother's help and crochet book, I jogged my memory.

A whole 2 years 5 months. Since then I have made blankets for friends, family and acquaintances (aprx. 15). I have a secret desire to make a blanket for each baby I know.

And I am very grateful for this hobby and true joy. So, I'd thought I'd show you some of my work.


To answer some of your inquiries. I started by using a how too book. I wasn't really particular when I chose it. Since, I've given it away and I don't remember the name. It was actually a rather corny book that your grandmother would pick up. But it had great illustrations and it was enough to jog my memory.

From there I purchased several other books with fun projects and stitch ideas. I highly recommend; Stitch 'N Bitch Cr*chet: The Happy H**ker by Debbie Stoller and The Cr*chet Stitch Bible by Betty Barnden. Both of these books also have how to sections and would be able to help you get started.

Lastly, the bag I made up the pattern as I went. It was during an enlightened phase. Actually, I think I might start another. I need something to keep my mind off of things.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Pregnancy symptoms: Top ten signs you might be pregnant (And a rational thought process to stop the craziness of this infertile.)

I got this article in my email inbox. And my first inclination was to delete it. Up to that point, I was feeling great! Not anxious or compulsive about this current two week wait. Then I decided to read, and my mind started to race.

It started: Could you be pregnant? Most likely you won't notice any symptoms until about the time you've missed a period — or a week or two later.

OK, I thought to myself totally still good. Period isn’t expected until February 11th. Oh, that is weird. T and I started to date on February 11th and were engaged on that date. Maybe I should take the HPT on that day for extra luck. Stop that! So, as the starting to get crazy infertile, I keep reading.

It continues: If you're not keeping track of your menstrual cycle or if it varies widely from one month to the next, you may not be sure when to expect your period. But if you start to experience some of the symptoms below — not all women get them all — and you haven't had a period for a while, you may very well be pregnant. Take a home pregnancy test to find out for sure!

You should probably add in something about people on medications such as Clomid. Because that little wonder of a drug probably causes all of these symptoms and it definitely doesn’t mean pregnancy. And maybe you should put a disclaimer on this list of things. (The crazy infertile thoughts are diminishing, and the snarky side is coming out. There is hope in cautious optimism!)

Then I continue to read:

10. Tender, swollen breasts

No problem, not feeling this at ALL! Oh, I forgot I was feeling some tenderness a few days ago and that was probably due to ovulation. Check, logical explanation for that one.

9. Fatigue

Actually, I am feeling tired. Not completely unusual, but I am feeling DEAD tired. Like I could fall asleep at the keyboard. Reminder, I started new allergy meds and those always cause you to feel sleepy. And I forgot that T was coughing a lung up last night, so he probably woke me up a few times. Yeah, I do remember being woken up. OK, again a logical explanation!

8. Implantation bleeding

Err. I think I saw something on the TP. Quickly realize only 6DPO, no possible way it could be implantation anything. Oh yeah! I also went to my primary care and had a pap. And those always cause something. Another logical explanation.

7. Nausea or vomiting

Started to feel nauseous on the car ride home. It could have been the chocolate and apple combination for a mid-day snack. What do you think?

6. Increased sensitivity to odors

An odor woke me up last night that totally caused immediate revulsion. It could be that the allergy meds are working and I just smelled a skunk. After all the reason for the change of allergy meds was the fact I haven’t been able to breathe thru my nose for several months.

5. Abdominal bloating

Always feel bloated after ovulation and before period.

4. Frequent urination

I drink about 96 oz. of water a day, of course I use the bathroom frequently!

3. A missed period

Yeah, not yet. And even if it was late, it wouldn’t necessarily mean anything.

2. Your basal body temperature stays high

I don’t temp. So who knows? But, I awoke last night because I was TOO HOT!

1. The proof: A positive home pregnancy test

Why is it that I shouldn’t do this until about DPO 20 and everyone else can do it earlier? Well, I guess I could do it earlier, but B*bycenter only tells you to do it when you are supposedly having your period or a few days later. Just a question. Because I think it is a really mean that my 2ww is closer to a 3ww.

Ultimately after reading this article. I was on that ledge. You know the one, the one you find yourself on when you are really filled with hope. You know that you will either fly or fall off the ledge.

Luckily, I think that my snarky thoughts won out in the end, well with the help of a friend also talking me down. And I’d like to remain here. No more ledge please.