I've finished Harry Potter and the Deathly H*llows. And I want to talk about it. But I will be patient, considering that I am sure that there are many people still reading or what not. Consider this my warning. I will post on Friday about my thoughts. It will have SPOILER ALERT as the title, a photo of fireworks, then my thoughts. Cool? Cool. Good.
Now, to the 2ww saga that is currently my life. I so just don't know. I am hopeful, but not over the top. Like I said before hope and I are definitely sipping herbal tea and enjoying our time. I will say this cycle is ODD. But, it could be just that - another odd cycle.
As my luck goes, of course, this weekend is my sister's bachelorette. It was planned by a friend of her's. And I "officially" won't know the answer to my 2ww. So, I plan on taking a HPT on Saturday morning - it will be 13 DPI. Basically if it is negative, I will take it as an OK to drink up. If it is positive, I will be ecstatic and making up excuses for not drinking. Since I don't want to tell anyone in real life until we see the heart beat. Those words bring a smile to my face. How blissful?
Unlucky me, the sister-in-law from hell, is now coming to the bachelorette and she is bringing friends. To my sister's bachelorette. Yeah, WTH? Can't we just be a grown-up PLEASE!
So wish me luck...please.
Showing posts with label 2ww. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2ww. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
It was going so well.
Last night, the baby dreams came back. Crap. This two week wait was going so well. It was a BFP dream. Actually woke myself up annoyed. I hate those.
Retaliated by prepping myself for the more ammicable dreams which I have been having for the last 10 days of stainless appliances, hardwood floors, closet organizers, central air, a second bathroom, a dog, etc.
One more week before I can get tested. (I know it will be 16 DPI, but my test day should be on the 4th, and my clinic is closed.) Doesn't matter, I am sure I will get AF before then. She usually comes earlier for medicated cycles by a few days. Lets hope she is heavier than a paper cut so that I know it is her.
All right, must focus on some work.
Retaliated by prepping myself for the more ammicable dreams which I have been having for the last 10 days of stainless appliances, hardwood floors, closet organizers, central air, a second bathroom, a dog, etc.
One more week before I can get tested. (I know it will be 16 DPI, but my test day should be on the 4th, and my clinic is closed.) Doesn't matter, I am sure I will get AF before then. She usually comes earlier for medicated cycles by a few days. Lets hope she is heavier than a paper cut so that I know it is her.
All right, must focus on some work.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
The Condo and my new 2WW.
You may be asking why I have been so non-chalant about this cycle? Ok, I am asking. Like I said before, I have no hope that it will work. The cards we were dealt this cycle were just lacking. And I am fine with it.
I think it is a continuation of my "F*ck it" attitude from the cruise and that I am just too busy to think about being in a two week wait. Granted my attitude is really more like, to hell with it. Since on the cruise, I really said F*CK IT and didn't even acknowledge being on a two week wait. I really enjoyed that cruise, it felt like freedom which I guess maybe what life after getting off this roller-a-coaster will feel like.
Back to the condo. Selling the condo is keeping me busy, or at least preoccupied. Since, we put the Condo in the market two days before the IUIs, I have something else to focus on. See, I have things in my control to do - so that perspective buyer can take interest. So, my anal cleaning is paying off at least in that way.
Some of you asked to see pictures, here are a few. I took these when we made the attempt to sell our place on our own, as you can tell these are not of the best quality. Since our digital camera broke about 9 months ago. (Also, explains why I haven't posted about the cruise more, which I do plan, I just want T to do the photos. Since it isn't our camera, I would rather not be responsible for it.) So these aren't the photos which are being used; those are much nicer and with the real estate agent.
So here goes:
The living/dining room.
The kitchen; new stove, dishwasher, and tile floor. (I really like that floor, stormy sky, that is what it reminds me of.)
The bathroom was just redone in 2006 and the only thing original is the tub. (Even the plumbing is new.)
The bedroom is much larger than it appears. Our bed is a king size, it is as big as a buick, and as a result takes up loads of room!
We have another bedroom/office, but I couldn't find a photo. It is also a large room with a fantastic closet.
So far, we get have only gotten positive remarks. Clean, spacious, lots of closet space. We have had five perspective buyers come see it. And a few were concerned that we had been broken into. (See, the screens are bent which is completely my fault. Cleaning the windows, I bent the screens...can we say neurotic? So we need to replace those, not so bad.) No other comments.
It is now the wait and see. Maybe this is my new two week wait. How ironic? That my two week wait has been replaced by another, and somehow I am fine with it.
And another interesting tid bit, like my first TTC 2WW, I have my prayer. Now it is to St. Joseph. I even went out and bought the statue. It is sitting on self right now. Yes, it has become my new 2ww obsession. It would be great if only last 12 to 20 days. In this market, that would be GREAT! Here is hoping :).
I think it is a continuation of my "F*ck it" attitude from the cruise and that I am just too busy to think about being in a two week wait. Granted my attitude is really more like, to hell with it. Since on the cruise, I really said F*CK IT and didn't even acknowledge being on a two week wait. I really enjoyed that cruise, it felt like freedom which I guess maybe what life after getting off this roller-a-coaster will feel like.
Back to the condo. Selling the condo is keeping me busy, or at least preoccupied. Since, we put the Condo in the market two days before the IUIs, I have something else to focus on. See, I have things in my control to do - so that perspective buyer can take interest. So, my anal cleaning is paying off at least in that way.
Some of you asked to see pictures, here are a few. I took these when we made the attempt to sell our place on our own, as you can tell these are not of the best quality. Since our digital camera broke about 9 months ago. (Also, explains why I haven't posted about the cruise more, which I do plan, I just want T to do the photos. Since it isn't our camera, I would rather not be responsible for it.) So these aren't the photos which are being used; those are much nicer and with the real estate agent.
So here goes:
The living/dining room.
The kitchen; new stove, dishwasher, and tile floor. (I really like that floor, stormy sky, that is what it reminds me of.)
The bathroom was just redone in 2006 and the only thing original is the tub. (Even the plumbing is new.)
The bedroom is much larger than it appears. Our bed is a king size, it is as big as a buick, and as a result takes up loads of room!
We have another bedroom/office, but I couldn't find a photo. It is also a large room with a fantastic closet.
So far, we get have only gotten positive remarks. Clean, spacious, lots of closet space. We have had five perspective buyers come see it. And a few were concerned that we had been broken into. (See, the screens are bent which is completely my fault. Cleaning the windows, I bent the screens...can we say neurotic? So we need to replace those, not so bad.) No other comments.
It is now the wait and see. Maybe this is my new two week wait. How ironic? That my two week wait has been replaced by another, and somehow I am fine with it.
And another interesting tid bit, like my first TTC 2WW, I have my prayer. Now it is to St. Joseph. I even went out and bought the statue. It is sitting on self right now. Yes, it has become my new 2ww obsession. It would be great if only last 12 to 20 days. In this market, that would be GREAT! Here is hoping :).
Monday, April 16, 2007
No word!
No word from prespective buyer of our condo.
No word from Aunt Flo - not even a knocking.
No word from maybe baby - 4 negative pregnancy tests as of today.
About the condo, I am not so concerned. He called my sister's friend, told him that he was very interested, and just trying to figuring out money and how to get his money back from a offer he had made. Since this was on Saturday, I am assuming, he may not have been able to get his cash over the weekend which is causing the delay. Either way, I am calling him tonight. Unfortunatelly, today is a holiday here in Massachusetts - Marathon Monday.
About Aunt Flo and Maybe Baby: It is cd30 or dpi16. And on a medicated cycle, my luteal phase is consistently 14 days. However, this is my first time that I used a trigger shot and in my hormonally imbalanced body, that alone may cause for a longer luteal phase and a pointless nausea.
So, it leaves me simply wanting to know. I've called the REs office and asked for a blood test. And if the HCG does cause my Aunt Flo to be late. Well, it could be a very good thing if my insurance approves the next step before she comes.
So, either way, I am praying for good things :). But when am I not?
No word from Aunt Flo - not even a knocking.
No word from maybe baby - 4 negative pregnancy tests as of today.
About the condo, I am not so concerned. He called my sister's friend, told him that he was very interested, and just trying to figuring out money and how to get his money back from a offer he had made. Since this was on Saturday, I am assuming, he may not have been able to get his cash over the weekend which is causing the delay. Either way, I am calling him tonight. Unfortunatelly, today is a holiday here in Massachusetts - Marathon Monday.
About Aunt Flo and Maybe Baby: It is cd30 or dpi16. And on a medicated cycle, my luteal phase is consistently 14 days. However, this is my first time that I used a trigger shot and in my hormonally imbalanced body, that alone may cause for a longer luteal phase and a pointless nausea.
So, it leaves me simply wanting to know. I've called the REs office and asked for a blood test. And if the HCG does cause my Aunt Flo to be late. Well, it could be a very good thing if my insurance approves the next step before she comes.
So, either way, I am praying for good things :). But when am I not?
Saturday, April 14, 2007
If you first don't succeed, try, try, again
Took the test, and it was most definitely negative. One of two things could be happening: 1. It was to early to test and there might be a good reason that the RE doesn't test before DPI 17. or 2. This IUI was a bust.
But either way, I am still nauseous. (Really I have been pondering where or not this is in my head. But, I don't think it would wake me up out of a solid sleep, if it were in my head. But who knows.)
And no signs of my period. So time will tell. Again, I am being taught patience.
So stay tuned, I will be peeing on sticks until Tuesday :). And if it is negative, well we still have a few more tricks up our sleeves don't we?
But either way, I am still nauseous. (Really I have been pondering where or not this is in my head. But, I don't think it would wake me up out of a solid sleep, if it were in my head. But who knows.)
And no signs of my period. So time will tell. Again, I am being taught patience.
So stay tuned, I will be peeing on sticks until Tuesday :). And if it is negative, well we still have a few more tricks up our sleeves don't we?
Friday, April 13, 2007
Can't sleep.
Too anxious with anticipation.
Tomorrow I can test and still no real signs of Aunt Flo. I am full on optimisitic and hopeful Dianne. Very dangerous. It is DPI 13.
I am also excited because a friend of a friend of my sister's may have helped us out tremendously with selling our condo. Turns out this kid (young twenty-something) is looking for a two bedroom in our town. Literally, got the call about his interest yesterday, and he came over not ten minutes later! He seemed very interested and we are very keen on selling the condo especially without a realtor! Lets say this together, WOW! Praying it works out.
***
It is almost 6:00 am, my poor boy kiddy is constipated. And per the internet, I should try half a can of wet food. Lets hope that fixes my poor Sam. He is my sweety. (Everything can't be perfect!) LOL!
Tomorrow I can test and still no real signs of Aunt Flo. I am full on optimisitic and hopeful Dianne. Very dangerous. It is DPI 13.
I am also excited because a friend of a friend of my sister's may have helped us out tremendously with selling our condo. Turns out this kid (young twenty-something) is looking for a two bedroom in our town. Literally, got the call about his interest yesterday, and he came over not ten minutes later! He seemed very interested and we are very keen on selling the condo especially without a realtor! Lets say this together, WOW! Praying it works out.
***
It is almost 6:00 am, my poor boy kiddy is constipated. And per the internet, I should try half a can of wet food. Lets hope that fixes my poor Sam. He is my sweety. (Everything can't be perfect!) LOL!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
So true!
Your Mind is 67% Cluttered |
 Your mind is quite cluttered. And like most clutter, it's a bunch of crap you don't need. Try writing down your worst problems and fears. And then put them out of your mind for a while. |
Me Normal? LOL!
| You Are 60% Normal |
 You're like most people most of the time But you've got those quirks that make you endearing You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so! |
How'>http://www.blogthings.com/hownormalareyouquiz/">How Normal Are You?
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Hope Diminishing? **TMI ALERT**
This cycle is has been an emotional roller-coaster. But, since when isn't infertility?
The text book symptoms:
1. The spotting on cd 10 and 11.
2. Gums bleeding when brushing teeth. (I take very good care of my teeth, this hardly happens!)
3. Drinking over 100 oz. of water.
4. Bloody nose.
Yet, yesterday when I started to cramp, I thought that could be it, the Fat Lady knocking before her grand performance. But, instead, nothing was accompanied with it, which is customary. Then this morning, I saw something that resemblems my "normal" spotting (which included only old blood).
So, hope is diminishing. If the Wicked Witch shows today, it should be no later than this afternoon, and hope will be gone.
Yes, I'll be sad, but I'll live; which is my biggest lesson during infertily.
But, a little part of me wants to believe, doesn't want to give out hope just yet. Because the Fat Lady hasn't performed yet. And there those symptoms, and cramps can sometimes be a symptom themselves. How about the fact, you HAD to go to bed last night. And maybe what you saw resulted from yoga last night, which was a more rigorous class.
So, ultimately, I guess I still have a little hope. Which to me is better than too much hope and none at all. By default, cautious optimism may have won out. Huh, who would've figured that?
The text book symptoms:
1. The spotting on cd 10 and 11.
2. Gums bleeding when brushing teeth. (I take very good care of my teeth, this hardly happens!)
3. Drinking over 100 oz. of water.
4. Bloody nose.
Yet, yesterday when I started to cramp, I thought that could be it, the Fat Lady knocking before her grand performance. But, instead, nothing was accompanied with it, which is customary. Then this morning, I saw something that resemblems my "normal" spotting (which included only old blood).
So, hope is diminishing. If the Wicked Witch shows today, it should be no later than this afternoon, and hope will be gone.
Yes, I'll be sad, but I'll live; which is my biggest lesson during infertily.
But, a little part of me wants to believe, doesn't want to give out hope just yet. Because the Fat Lady hasn't performed yet. And there those symptoms, and cramps can sometimes be a symptom themselves. How about the fact, you HAD to go to bed last night. And maybe what you saw resulted from yoga last night, which was a more rigorous class.
So, ultimately, I guess I still have a little hope. Which to me is better than too much hope and none at all. By default, cautious optimism may have won out. Huh, who would've figured that?
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Relaxation Visual
In the technique I use, I have to visualize a place that I love. Welcome to my visual, in the next few days, I’ll need this photo help me remember a more relaxed time prior to all of the craziness of infertility, 2ww, and all other roller-coasters.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
On the ledge again - TMI **UPDATED**
Pink on the TP. It is CD30 - 10 DPO. Much to early for my period. Need I say more?
I don't like the ledge, I'm afraid of heights. And the drop, hurts.
********
Still on the ledge. Err...feeling rather obsessive, slightly going mad.
Basically, my LP is usually about 16 to 20 days long. It is only 11 DPO. And not to mention but I don't usually spot longer than a day. Yesterday, well it was non-existent and today too. And no serious cramps which ALWAYS proceed AF by several days.
Very, very, very, very hopeful. And I don't want to be. UGH!
So, if AF doesn't show before this weekend, I will be peeing on a stick on Saturday. Although, I just hate spending the money. Especially since it could very well be all for not because my periods could last about 118 days.
Although peeing on a stick before is not a wise idea if it is a BFN. Should wash the bathroom floor, so that it is at least clean when I lay on it when I see the BFN. Because the fall is going to hurt.
I don't like the ledge, I'm afraid of heights. And the drop, hurts.
********
Still on the ledge. Err...feeling rather obsessive, slightly going mad.
Basically, my LP is usually about 16 to 20 days long. It is only 11 DPO. And not to mention but I don't usually spot longer than a day. Yesterday, well it was non-existent and today too. And no serious cramps which ALWAYS proceed AF by several days.
Very, very, very, very hopeful. And I don't want to be. UGH!
So, if AF doesn't show before this weekend, I will be peeing on a stick on Saturday. Although, I just hate spending the money. Especially since it could very well be all for not because my periods could last about 118 days.
Although peeing on a stick before is not a wise idea if it is a BFN. Should wash the bathroom floor, so that it is at least clean when I lay on it when I see the BFN. Because the fall is going to hurt.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Pregnancy symptoms: Top ten signs you might be pregnant (And a rational thought process to stop the craziness of this infertile.)
I got this article in my email inbox. And my first inclination was to delete it. Up to that point, I was feeling great! Not anxious or compulsive about this current two week wait. Then I decided to read, and my mind started to race.
It started: Could you be pregnant? Most likely you won't notice any symptoms until about the time you've missed a period — or a week or two later.
OK, I thought to myself totally still good. Period isn’t expected until February 11th. Oh, that is weird. T and I started to date on February 11th and were engaged on that date. Maybe I should take the HPT on that day for extra luck. Stop that! So, as the starting to get crazy infertile, I keep reading.
It continues: If you're not keeping track of your menstrual cycle or if it varies widely from one month to the next, you may not be sure when to expect your period. But if you start to experience some of the symptoms below — not all women get them all — and you haven't had a period for a while, you may very well be pregnant. Take a home pregnancy test to find out for sure!
You should probably add in something about people on medications such as Clomid. Because that little wonder of a drug probably causes all of these symptoms and it definitely doesn’t mean pregnancy. And maybe you should put a disclaimer on this list of things. (The crazy infertile thoughts are diminishing, and the snarky side is coming out. There is hope in cautious optimism!)
Then I continue to read:
10. Tender, swollen breasts
No problem, not feeling this at ALL! Oh, I forgot I was feeling some tenderness a few days ago and that was probably due to ovulation. Check, logical explanation for that one.
9. Fatigue
Actually, I am feeling tired. Not completely unusual, but I am feeling DEAD tired. Like I could fall asleep at the keyboard. Reminder, I started new allergy meds and those always cause you to feel sleepy. And I forgot that T was coughing a lung up last night, so he probably woke me up a few times. Yeah, I do remember being woken up. OK, again a logical explanation!
8. Implantation bleeding
Err. I think I saw something on the TP. Quickly realize only 6DPO, no possible way it could be implantation anything. Oh yeah! I also went to my primary care and had a pap. And those always cause something. Another logical explanation.
7. Nausea or vomiting
Started to feel nauseous on the car ride home. It could have been the chocolate and apple combination for a mid-day snack. What do you think?
6. Increased sensitivity to odors
An odor woke me up last night that totally caused immediate revulsion. It could be that the allergy meds are working and I just smelled a skunk. After all the reason for the change of allergy meds was the fact I haven’t been able to breathe thru my nose for several months.
5. Abdominal bloating
Always feel bloated after ovulation and before period.
4. Frequent urination
I drink about 96 oz. of water a day, of course I use the bathroom frequently!
3. A missed period
Yeah, not yet. And even if it was late, it wouldn’t necessarily mean anything.
2. Your basal body temperature stays high
I don’t temp. So who knows? But, I awoke last night because I was TOO HOT!
1. The proof: A positive home pregnancy test
Why is it that I shouldn’t do this until about DPO 20 and everyone else can do it earlier? Well, I guess I could do it earlier, but B*bycenter only tells you to do it when you are supposedly having your period or a few days later. Just a question. Because I think it is a really mean that my 2ww is closer to a 3ww.
Ultimately after reading this article. I was on that ledge. You know the one, the one you find yourself on when you are really filled with hope. You know that you will either fly or fall off the ledge.
Luckily, I think that my snarky thoughts won out in the end, well with the help of a friend also talking me down. And I’d like to remain here. No more ledge please.
It started: Could you be pregnant? Most likely you won't notice any symptoms until about the time you've missed a period — or a week or two later.
OK, I thought to myself totally still good. Period isn’t expected until February 11th. Oh, that is weird. T and I started to date on February 11th and were engaged on that date. Maybe I should take the HPT on that day for extra luck. Stop that! So, as the starting to get crazy infertile, I keep reading.
It continues: If you're not keeping track of your menstrual cycle or if it varies widely from one month to the next, you may not be sure when to expect your period. But if you start to experience some of the symptoms below — not all women get them all — and you haven't had a period for a while, you may very well be pregnant. Take a home pregnancy test to find out for sure!
You should probably add in something about people on medications such as Clomid. Because that little wonder of a drug probably causes all of these symptoms and it definitely doesn’t mean pregnancy. And maybe you should put a disclaimer on this list of things. (The crazy infertile thoughts are diminishing, and the snarky side is coming out. There is hope in cautious optimism!)
Then I continue to read:
10. Tender, swollen breasts
No problem, not feeling this at ALL! Oh, I forgot I was feeling some tenderness a few days ago and that was probably due to ovulation. Check, logical explanation for that one.
9. Fatigue
Actually, I am feeling tired. Not completely unusual, but I am feeling DEAD tired. Like I could fall asleep at the keyboard. Reminder, I started new allergy meds and those always cause you to feel sleepy. And I forgot that T was coughing a lung up last night, so he probably woke me up a few times. Yeah, I do remember being woken up. OK, again a logical explanation!
8. Implantation bleeding
Err. I think I saw something on the TP. Quickly realize only 6DPO, no possible way it could be implantation anything. Oh yeah! I also went to my primary care and had a pap. And those always cause something. Another logical explanation.
7. Nausea or vomiting
Started to feel nauseous on the car ride home. It could have been the chocolate and apple combination for a mid-day snack. What do you think?
6. Increased sensitivity to odors
An odor woke me up last night that totally caused immediate revulsion. It could be that the allergy meds are working and I just smelled a skunk. After all the reason for the change of allergy meds was the fact I haven’t been able to breathe thru my nose for several months.
5. Abdominal bloating
Always feel bloated after ovulation and before period.
4. Frequent urination
I drink about 96 oz. of water a day, of course I use the bathroom frequently!
3. A missed period
Yeah, not yet. And even if it was late, it wouldn’t necessarily mean anything.
2. Your basal body temperature stays high
I don’t temp. So who knows? But, I awoke last night because I was TOO HOT!
1. The proof: A positive home pregnancy test
Why is it that I shouldn’t do this until about DPO 20 and everyone else can do it earlier? Well, I guess I could do it earlier, but B*bycenter only tells you to do it when you are supposedly having your period or a few days later. Just a question. Because I think it is a really mean that my 2ww is closer to a 3ww.
Ultimately after reading this article. I was on that ledge. You know the one, the one you find yourself on when you are really filled with hope. You know that you will either fly or fall off the ledge.
Luckily, I think that my snarky thoughts won out in the end, well with the help of a friend also talking me down. And I’d like to remain here. No more ledge please.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Esperanza – Espoir – Hoffnung – Speranza – Esperança – Надежда - 希望
Hope.
All of those words mean Hope in Spanish, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian, and Chinese.
That word again. For me, it has so many connotations of good things, as well as, bad. Today, for me, it means something in the middle.
A few years back, I had worked with a man from the Dominican Republic. At the time, whenever I wore anything green, he would say “Esperenza, you remind me of Esperenza.” I asked him why once. And he told me his mother always told him that Green was the color of hope. It is the color of so many things in nature when they are beginning. Hope is life.
Well, in the last few months, I have had an inclination of buying material items in green (a sweater, two pairs of shoes, a purse, a lunch bag, etc.). And I wonder if it is because I am in a hopeful stage.
I wonder if it is indicative of me being hopeful.
There she is again. Please play nice. Thank you for the LH surge and please let the ovulation be patient considering T is out of town until tomorrow. Again, play nice.
No worries, cautious optimism is firmly in place, at least for this cycle, considering us conceiving "au natural" has to be less than 6% (since that is what our chances were with Clomid and sex).
With that said, it is nice to be able to play for free. A chance.
All of those words mean Hope in Spanish, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian, and Chinese.
That word again. For me, it has so many connotations of good things, as well as, bad. Today, for me, it means something in the middle.
A few years back, I had worked with a man from the Dominican Republic. At the time, whenever I wore anything green, he would say “Esperenza, you remind me of Esperenza.” I asked him why once. And he told me his mother always told him that Green was the color of hope. It is the color of so many things in nature when they are beginning. Hope is life.
Well, in the last few months, I have had an inclination of buying material items in green (a sweater, two pairs of shoes, a purse, a lunch bag, etc.). And I wonder if it is because I am in a hopeful stage.
I wonder if it is indicative of me being hopeful.
There she is again. Please play nice. Thank you for the LH surge and please let the ovulation be patient considering T is out of town until tomorrow. Again, play nice.
No worries, cautious optimism is firmly in place, at least for this cycle, considering us conceiving "au natural" has to be less than 6% (since that is what our chances were with Clomid and sex).
With that said, it is nice to be able to play for free. A chance.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Nota Bene - A Reminder
During my next two week wait, I will refer to this entry and remind myself that everything I am feeling is not indicative of pregnancy, instead it is my "normal" menstrual cycle.
- Breast changes approximately 7 days before.
- Cramps approximately 5 days before.
- Food cravings approximately 2 days before. (Usually for Italian food and chocolate.)
- Spotting approximately 1 day before.
- LP is approximately 16 to 20 days long.
- The cats always like me and prefer to lay on my stomach.
- Sense of smell is enhanced about 4 days before.
- Clomid makes me nauseous from ovulation to menses.
Hopefully, this will help in keeping my neurotic thoughts to a minimum. Well, a girl can try.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
An Active Cycle
Since starting Clomid in May, I realize that I have active and quiet cycles. In the fourth cycle of Clomid, I am experiencing an active cycle.
Now, I hate active cycles. Why, because they give me hope. Again, it should be word banned from my vocabulary. Especially when it is false hope. Let me explain.
Like I said, I've been on Clomid for four cycles. The first was in May. I admit, I had no idea what to expect. The cycle was active. I felt nauseous, absent minded, crampy, experienced a keen sense of smell, etc. Basically, everything that I hear pregnancy causes. So, my first cycle I was convinced that I had ovulated. Since my gynecologist gave me the script and sent me on my way, I wasn't being monitored. I figured from body changes I had ovulated on CD 13. Although I never got a LH surge on my hand dandy monitor.
Well, at my first and second appointment with the RE, I found out that I was completely wrong.
My first appointment with the RE, I was at CD 30. They gave me blood work to determine if I did indeed ovulate. It came back inconclusive. As a result, I was told to come back in a week if my period had not started, which I did. During that blood draw, they saw the progesterone spike.
Yes, people the gynecologist had given me bad advice about when to take the Clomid as well as the wrong dosage, and as a result I ovulated between CD 30 and 38. Also she didn't tell me that my monitor would work while on the Clomid. (Because my PCOS doesn't come along with a high LH which she must have known considering I had that checked at her office.) So, despite all the body signs I read, I never surged.
Very aggravating considering I was convinced that I had ovulated and could possible be pregnant. Granted the four home pregnancy tests and the beta confirmed the opposite.
I did a little bit more research and found that Clomid causes pregnancy symptoms. Somehow I find that cruel.
So, the RE upped the dosage to 100mg and directed me to take it on CD 5-9 instead of CD 1-5. I've ovulated three times on that dosage. Also, relatively early for me(CD 20, CD 18 and CD 18). Much better. At that dosage, my symptoms involved cramps pre-ovulation, moodiness, and forgetfulness. Nothing really bad and to be honest, my body was really behaving by not having pregnancy symptoms. In my book, it was being considerate.
Well, I think I may have thought that too early. My body is misbehaving again. I know, when has it been cooperative or supportive in this endeavor?
For the last few days, I've been experiencing cramps, an accute sense of smell, nausea, moodiness and forgetfulness.
DO NOT SAY IT.....WHATEVER YOU ARE THINKING....PLEASE....DO NOT SAY IT TO ME OR THINK IT.
I really feel this false hope again. As a result, I am guarding myself and chalking it up to that. FUCK my body. I am stopping the mind games!
So, this two week wait will only suck even more than usual not only because of the active cycle. Besides the fact I had a bridal shower last Sunday that I forbad myself from drinking at; I also have a family party this Saturday that I won't be allowed to drink at! UGH! Also, my test day is J's wedding. YUP, my fourth active cycle SUCKS right now. The only thing that could change it, well I don't need to say it, because you all know what could change it.
With that all said. I am not in a bad place. Honestly, I am feeling calm, cool, and collect. I don't want to get my hopes up anymore. If it happens I will be ECSTATIC. However, if it doesn't I want to just accept the SUCKINESS of infertility and move on. It will be the only way I can get thru this situation.
Also, despite this post, I am always HOPEFUL. I am the eternal optimist. And even when I fight hope, I am hopeful.
Praying that FALSE HOPE dies a long and painful death, soon.
Now, I hate active cycles. Why, because they give me hope. Again, it should be word banned from my vocabulary. Especially when it is false hope. Let me explain.
Like I said, I've been on Clomid for four cycles. The first was in May. I admit, I had no idea what to expect. The cycle was active. I felt nauseous, absent minded, crampy, experienced a keen sense of smell, etc. Basically, everything that I hear pregnancy causes. So, my first cycle I was convinced that I had ovulated. Since my gynecologist gave me the script and sent me on my way, I wasn't being monitored. I figured from body changes I had ovulated on CD 13. Although I never got a LH surge on my hand dandy monitor.
Well, at my first and second appointment with the RE, I found out that I was completely wrong.
My first appointment with the RE, I was at CD 30. They gave me blood work to determine if I did indeed ovulate. It came back inconclusive. As a result, I was told to come back in a week if my period had not started, which I did. During that blood draw, they saw the progesterone spike.
Yes, people the gynecologist had given me bad advice about when to take the Clomid as well as the wrong dosage, and as a result I ovulated between CD 30 and 38. Also she didn't tell me that my monitor would work while on the Clomid. (Because my PCOS doesn't come along with a high LH which she must have known considering I had that checked at her office.) So, despite all the body signs I read, I never surged.
Very aggravating considering I was convinced that I had ovulated and could possible be pregnant. Granted the four home pregnancy tests and the beta confirmed the opposite.
I did a little bit more research and found that Clomid causes pregnancy symptoms. Somehow I find that cruel.
So, the RE upped the dosage to 100mg and directed me to take it on CD 5-9 instead of CD 1-5. I've ovulated three times on that dosage. Also, relatively early for me(CD 20, CD 18 and CD 18). Much better. At that dosage, my symptoms involved cramps pre-ovulation, moodiness, and forgetfulness. Nothing really bad and to be honest, my body was really behaving by not having pregnancy symptoms. In my book, it was being considerate.
Well, I think I may have thought that too early. My body is misbehaving again. I know, when has it been cooperative or supportive in this endeavor?
For the last few days, I've been experiencing cramps, an accute sense of smell, nausea, moodiness and forgetfulness.
DO NOT SAY IT.....WHATEVER YOU ARE THINKING....PLEASE....DO NOT SAY IT TO ME OR THINK IT.
I really feel this false hope again. As a result, I am guarding myself and chalking it up to that. FUCK my body. I am stopping the mind games!
So, this two week wait will only suck even more than usual not only because of the active cycle. Besides the fact I had a bridal shower last Sunday that I forbad myself from drinking at; I also have a family party this Saturday that I won't be allowed to drink at! UGH! Also, my test day is J's wedding. YUP, my fourth active cycle SUCKS right now. The only thing that could change it, well I don't need to say it, because you all know what could change it.
With that all said. I am not in a bad place. Honestly, I am feeling calm, cool, and collect. I don't want to get my hopes up anymore. If it happens I will be ECSTATIC. However, if it doesn't I want to just accept the SUCKINESS of infertility and move on. It will be the only way I can get thru this situation.
Also, despite this post, I am always HOPEFUL. I am the eternal optimist. And even when I fight hope, I am hopeful.
Praying that FALSE HOPE dies a long and painful death, soon.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Fourth Ovulation
Yes, the fourth ovulation in twenty-four months has come. There she is again, hope and possibility.
I've been praying for peace, grace, and faith.
Peace provides calm, acceptance, and openness to the future. Grace is the sensation of having someone else in control. Faith is peace of mind that the Almighty God will take care of everything for us. They are healing gifts that I am desperately yearning for right now.
Notice, I have not been praying for hope.
Hope is disappointment, especially when it comes to trying to conceive.
In the next two week wait, I'm asking for peace, grace, faith, and a little strength.
I've been praying for peace, grace, and faith.
Peace provides calm, acceptance, and openness to the future. Grace is the sensation of having someone else in control. Faith is peace of mind that the Almighty God will take care of everything for us. They are healing gifts that I am desperately yearning for right now.
Notice, I have not been praying for hope.
Hope is disappointment, especially when it comes to trying to conceive.
In the next two week wait, I'm asking for peace, grace, faith, and a little strength.
Monday, August 21, 2006
CD 31 and DPO 13
Yes, I am at that crossroad again, it is coming to the end of cycle 14, month 23.
Tomorrow is when I suspect the Wicked Witch will come visit. So, am I hopeful for this cycle?
Well, I'm feeling indifferent. I'm doing my best not to get my hopes up. I admit that freely. I don't want to be as devastated as I was last cycle. Will I be happy if it is positive? I'd be ecstatic, but I just don't want to be upset if it is negative.
I've made a deal with myself not to test before DPO 14. Well, tomorrow is DPO 14 and I really don't want to test. I rather wait for the Wicked Witch than see a single pink line on the home pregnancy test. So, my options:
1. Bite the bullet and test tomorrow. (But, remember that last time I did this, two hours later the Wicked Witch showed.)
2. Wait for Wednesday to test. (Since my cycles are SO eratic what is one day late? It may still be too early for the Wicked Witch, but at DPO 15 it is highly unlikely for a false negative.)
3. Not take a home test, and call the RE's office on Tuesday afternoon and ask for a Beta. Probably take the blood test on Wednesday and get those results that afternoon. (Would it truly be better to hear it from the nurse at work? I could always avoid all phone calls and take the message after work. Crying in the car is probably not a good idea.)
So, what are your opinions? I'm in need of some advice.
Tomorrow is when I suspect the Wicked Witch will come visit. So, am I hopeful for this cycle?
Well, I'm feeling indifferent. I'm doing my best not to get my hopes up. I admit that freely. I don't want to be as devastated as I was last cycle. Will I be happy if it is positive? I'd be ecstatic, but I just don't want to be upset if it is negative.
I've made a deal with myself not to test before DPO 14. Well, tomorrow is DPO 14 and I really don't want to test. I rather wait for the Wicked Witch than see a single pink line on the home pregnancy test. So, my options:
1. Bite the bullet and test tomorrow. (But, remember that last time I did this, two hours later the Wicked Witch showed.)
2. Wait for Wednesday to test. (Since my cycles are SO eratic what is one day late? It may still be too early for the Wicked Witch, but at DPO 15 it is highly unlikely for a false negative.)
3. Not take a home test, and call the RE's office on Tuesday afternoon and ask for a Beta. Probably take the blood test on Wednesday and get those results that afternoon. (Would it truly be better to hear it from the nurse at work? I could always avoid all phone calls and take the message after work. Crying in the car is probably not a good idea.)
So, what are your opinions? I'm in need of some advice.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Horoscope
Gemini (May 20 - June 20)
Taking care of yourself is not just about eating the right food and getting enough exercise, dear Gemini. It also has to do with taking care of your emotions as well. If your mind is always buzzing around like a bumblebee, there is little time to stop and reflect on your feelings. Engage in a conversation with your heart and ask for guidance from a higher power to guide you where you need to go. Answers are not always rational, and they certainly will not always be as obvious as you might like. Sometimes you just have to go deeper.
Taking care of yourself is not just about eating the right food and getting enough exercise, dear Gemini. It also has to do with taking care of your emotions as well. If your mind is always buzzing around like a bumblebee, there is little time to stop and reflect on your feelings. Engage in a conversation with your heart and ask for guidance from a higher power to guide you where you need to go. Answers are not always rational, and they certainly will not always be as obvious as you might like. Sometimes you just have to go deeper.
Thinking
Yes, fear should be coursing thru your veins. Just kidding. But, honestly, the reason that I haven't written in a few days and for that reason only, I've been thinking.
As my dear T says, "I am always thinking."
But the last few weeks there has been more topics than normal going thru my head.
I'm going to list them, and I will write about them each separately in the next few weeks.
1. My cousin B. I've been thinking tremendously about him. He has been fighting a long battle with a brain tumor. Last December, after his third operation, the doctors determined that his once benign tumor was now malignant. Well, he was just told that his time is short, that he is no longer responding to the medication, and to prepare.
2. My T has asked me to analyze why I want a child. To really look into it and decide if I want one because of society or my family's pressuring me or for other reasons. It has taken me a long week of thinking, and I believe that I've actually analyzed this question completely. (Yes, it takes me that long to analyze.)
3. Secondary Insurance. Currently doing more research on the topic and hoping to have it completed soon.
4. Hope, Peace and Grace.
5. Procedures.
6. Terms. I've been reading a few books and I'm thoroughly confused. What the heck is a subfertile? Yes, this is a term that I found. More to come.
7. Two year anniversary on September 18th. Yes, I remember the exact date that I told T that I wasn't taking the pill any longer, the day that I actually stopped taking the pill and started taking the pre-natal vitamins.
Ok that is it for now.
Side note, I'm currently on CD 28 and 10 DPO. I'm hopeful, in a conservative way, and surprisingly still at peace. Testing sometime next week if there is no indication of the Wicked Witch. If it isn't our cycle, I am hoping that she at least shows before I take a test. I'm sick of seeing a negative test and starting to think that positive tests DO NOT EXIST.
As my dear T says, "I am always thinking."
But the last few weeks there has been more topics than normal going thru my head.
I'm going to list them, and I will write about them each separately in the next few weeks.
1. My cousin B. I've been thinking tremendously about him. He has been fighting a long battle with a brain tumor. Last December, after his third operation, the doctors determined that his once benign tumor was now malignant. Well, he was just told that his time is short, that he is no longer responding to the medication, and to prepare.
2. My T has asked me to analyze why I want a child. To really look into it and decide if I want one because of society or my family's pressuring me or for other reasons. It has taken me a long week of thinking, and I believe that I've actually analyzed this question completely. (Yes, it takes me that long to analyze.)
3. Secondary Insurance. Currently doing more research on the topic and hoping to have it completed soon.
4. Hope, Peace and Grace.
5. Procedures.
6. Terms. I've been reading a few books and I'm thoroughly confused. What the heck is a subfertile? Yes, this is a term that I found. More to come.
7. Two year anniversary on September 18th. Yes, I remember the exact date that I told T that I wasn't taking the pill any longer, the day that I actually stopped taking the pill and started taking the pre-natal vitamins.
Ok that is it for now.
Side note, I'm currently on CD 28 and 10 DPO. I'm hopeful, in a conservative way, and surprisingly still at peace. Testing sometime next week if there is no indication of the Wicked Witch. If it isn't our cycle, I am hoping that she at least shows before I take a test. I'm sick of seeing a negative test and starting to think that positive tests DO NOT EXIST.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Neutral
Mr. Webster, please provide some synonyms of the word. Well, just a few are: impartial,
aloof, bystanding, calm, clinical, collected, cool, detached, disengaged, disinterested, dispassionate, easy, even-handed, fair-minded, impersonal, inactive, indifferent, inert, nonaligned, nonbelligerent, nonchalant, noncombatant, noncommital, noncommittal, nonparticipating, nonpartisan, on sidelines*, pacifistic, poker-faced*, relaxed, unaligned, unbiased, uncommitted, unconcerned, undecided, uninvolved, and unprejudiced.
Thank you Mr. Webster.
Three days past ovulation and I'm feeling neutral. Can't really explain it more than that and not to say I won't analyze later. Maybe I'm feeling neutral this time because I remember how I felt last cycle? Or maybe because T and I have done everything humanly possible and it isn't our control. Could I've learned the lesson of Let Go and Let God finally! I feel at peace.
Now, I don't know how long this will last. But, Peace if you could stick around a little while longer, I would really appreciate it. Especially since I shouldn't test until August 24th and that seems right now, a long ways off.
aloof, bystanding, calm, clinical, collected, cool, detached, disengaged, disinterested, dispassionate, easy, even-handed, fair-minded, impersonal, inactive, indifferent, inert, nonaligned, nonbelligerent, nonchalant, noncombatant, noncommital, noncommittal, nonparticipating, nonpartisan, on sidelines*, pacifistic, poker-faced*, relaxed, unaligned, unbiased, uncommitted, unconcerned, undecided, uninvolved, and unprejudiced.
Thank you Mr. Webster.
Three days past ovulation and I'm feeling neutral. Can't really explain it more than that and not to say I won't analyze later. Maybe I'm feeling neutral this time because I remember how I felt last cycle? Or maybe because T and I have done everything humanly possible and it isn't our control. Could I've learned the lesson of Let Go and Let God finally! I feel at peace.
Now, I don't know how long this will last. But, Peace if you could stick around a little while longer, I would really appreciate it. Especially since I shouldn't test until August 24th and that seems right now, a long ways off.
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