Yes, I still am thinking about it, I actually never stopped. After thinking about it, I don’t like what I figured out. How I hate saying this, I think T is right. Err….it makes cautious optimism so much more difficult! (As if life with infertility isn’t difficult enough!)
Did I tell you that I have formed another ending for our baby quest, if we never get the baby? We will do three medicated (Clomid) IUIs and G-IFT. Then, if we are unsuccessful, well that is why I’m here muddling thru cautious optimism.
To sum it up, T’s definition means that I need to be OK with any results. That leaves us with a few options of possible outcomes: 1. We get lucky and pregnant with a baby that sticks around and is in our arms in nine ½ months; 2. We don’t get lucky and proceed to adoption; 3. We don’t get lucky and proceed to a child free existence. (Yes, I do know that there are so many other options in between. But, I don’t want to hurt my brain any more. It hurts as is.)
The problem is that I am perfectly content with options one and two. Both options get us to my desired end result of being a parent and having a beautiful little one of our own. Yes, with adoption, I still mourn a little. It is sad to consider I’ll never get to see T’s deep blue eyes or dimples on our child or recognize a missed loved one. But, I think I would be really good with a child to love.
The option I have an issue with is the third, living child free. It has its perks. No responsibility except to each other. Always being able to live in the moment and only for ourselves. Taking vacations to wherever and whenever we want. To be a family as a couple. After all we still are a family.
But, will we miss not being parents? To share our love with someone else. Someone to know us and be able to carry us on, after we go, a legacy. Never said that I wasn’t selfish in this baby quest. And I think that this dilemma may all change if and when my sister has a child. Since he/she will be someone to carry our story after we are gone. And if I logically think about it, we do have children in our lives that we love very much.
I think about it all. And this is a part that I think about very much.
What happens when we are older and there is no one to care that we exist or existed? After all, when push comes to shove, family is always there. Even if you don’t like them. With the logical fact, that I will outlive T, a future alone is a little scary too. No one to share memories of his/her Dad.
I’m focusing on all of this because I know that T hasn’t thought it thru.
And, in my craziness I need to think of all the options before he has decided, to prepare myself. To be OK with whatever he comes up with. And this is the part that scares me that I won’t be OK with an end result that he wants and vice versa. It leaves me in terror thinking about it. He always says, whatever (procedure) you want. But, he is hesitant about adoption. And I understand that, he needs his time to process. After all only a few months ago, he had to process us needing ART to conceive. We had to go thru all of the failed medicated and sex cycles for him to come to that conclusion. So, it is safe to say he will come to my conclusion in the end. But who knows?
Ultimately, he is my family. And no matter how much I want a baby, he is better than a maybe baby. So, I need to have my allegiance to the one I know will be around and that is my T.
Wow, I think I just reached cautious optimism. Well, at least for this exact moment in a logical thought process. My T is a constant and maybe baby is a variable so that equals a Dianne who is going to stick by her guy. So in the end, I’m OK with option number 3 too.
It doesn’t mean that I cannot mourn our wanted child. Despite however much I think I’m OK with it, it still makes me sad. And I have a feeling that will be the case for some time. As I realized in the counselors chair a few weeks ago, I have at least another 15 years of my friends and family telling me their having a child. Therefore, I need to get over it. I need to get OK with it on an emotional level. But, that will have to be another day and she has promised to get me to that point.
Also, I logically am reminded that I have no idea how this story ends, I’m just trying to anticipate it. So much for living in the moment, something else to work on.
Showing posts with label cautious optimism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cautious optimism. Show all posts
Monday, January 22, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
What do you want to be when you grow up?
When I was a kid, I used to say lawyer. But within the first two years in the legal field, I found that it wasn't like Matloc.k and I decided that it really wasn't what I wanted.
So the answer changed to, I want to be a mom.
It was a surprise to me as much as everyone else. Since I always thought of being a mom as being a side job. (My mom worked when I was a kid, she still does.) It probably had to do with life circumstances, well at least a little bit. When I realized that law school wasn't in the cards, I also met my husband. And the maternal instinct kicked in to high gear. So, for the last seven years, I have wanted to be a Mom, still do.
And I pursued another position within the legal field that would allow me to be a mom. I like my current job, but since I graduated in 1998 and survived several mergers and acquisitions, I know that it probably isn't permanent.
Since, I have been contemplating cautious optimism, I figured out that my husband's theory is right. In order to practice cautious optimism, you have to be OK with any of the results. (More on that later in another post.)
So, that has left me with all of the options that may happen. And one of them is living childfree.
(Adoption is also an option, but for me to play the game correctly, I need to think of all the options because who knows if T would want to adopt? His brain doesn't work like mine. He has no need or want to think of scenarios before he has to.)
To analyze whether or not I would be OK with it. As my brain works, I've come to the conclusion that if I become OK with it, I need to come up with a new "What I want to be when I grow up?"
Since I was thinking that Mother.hood would be my full time career. I want a career that could take its place. Yes, I know that is a tall order. But, my plan B dream should have just as much meaning, enjoyment, satisfaction, no?
And I have no idea. (Wow, good thing I have a real life friend who is a career counselor. I may need to have her test me if I need to get off this quest for baby road.)
Funny, it doesn't really scare me that I have no idea. It kind of makes me feel young. And with so many options that I'm overwhelmed by them all. Something to think about besides infertility. I kind of like it.
So the answer changed to, I want to be a mom.
It was a surprise to me as much as everyone else. Since I always thought of being a mom as being a side job. (My mom worked when I was a kid, she still does.) It probably had to do with life circumstances, well at least a little bit. When I realized that law school wasn't in the cards, I also met my husband. And the maternal instinct kicked in to high gear. So, for the last seven years, I have wanted to be a Mom, still do.
And I pursued another position within the legal field that would allow me to be a mom. I like my current job, but since I graduated in 1998 and survived several mergers and acquisitions, I know that it probably isn't permanent.
Since, I have been contemplating cautious optimism, I figured out that my husband's theory is right. In order to practice cautious optimism, you have to be OK with any of the results. (More on that later in another post.)
So, that has left me with all of the options that may happen. And one of them is living childfree.
(Adoption is also an option, but for me to play the game correctly, I need to think of all the options because who knows if T would want to adopt? His brain doesn't work like mine. He has no need or want to think of scenarios before he has to.)
To analyze whether or not I would be OK with it. As my brain works, I've come to the conclusion that if I become OK with it, I need to come up with a new "What I want to be when I grow up?"
Since I was thinking that Mother.hood would be my full time career. I want a career that could take its place. Yes, I know that is a tall order. But, my plan B dream should have just as much meaning, enjoyment, satisfaction, no?
And I have no idea. (Wow, good thing I have a real life friend who is a career counselor. I may need to have her test me if I need to get off this quest for baby road.)
Funny, it doesn't really scare me that I have no idea. It kind of makes me feel young. And with so many options that I'm overwhelmed by them all. Something to think about besides infertility. I kind of like it.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Cautious Optimism
As I continue my preparation for our next step in infertility treatments. I am trying to arm myself.
The last few months have been productive, despite some turbulent moments. I survived the holidays. I learned my limitations: with people, with myself, and with the pursuit for baby. I learned about the wonderful world of therapy; to practice a relaxation technique and be in a moment for a while. I’ve enrolled in a yoga class. (I start Monday and I am so excited.)
But, it has also led me to cautious optimism. Seems like a harmless phrase; something easily accomplished and understood. Many people discuss it in relation to infertility. But my logical part asks, “What does it mean and how do I practice cautious optimism?”
Honestly, it seems like you need to practice it if you want to survive. To avoid all the roller-a-coaster action and utter disappointment that is infertility. Why is it then I cannot find a “how to” book, a definition, concept discussion online, etc.
So, I asked people in my reality:
T’s answer, “You look at your wanted result, with caution. You know that there are many outcomes and are satisfied with any of them and if the ultimate outcome results you are ecstatic, but it isn’t the end all.”
Great theory honey, and I am working on being equally happy with other resolutions. But I believe that would mean I would be equally happy with being childfree. While the idea has grown on me considerable, maybe that it might just be the outcome, I’m just not there yet. Therefore using your definition, I’m screwed. So, I must chug along.
A colleague brought up the topic dealing with work. I asked him what it meant. He said, “If it is raining, there is a 100% chance of rain. If it isn’t raining, then it isn’t raining.”
He admits that he is a pessimist and I have to agree. No optimism in this one.
My therapist suggested not thinking about the wanted end result. To concentrate on other things which make me happy. To ignore all signs of a positive solution. To only focus on other good things in my life and list them everyday in order to focus only on those things and not the desired outcome.
It seems to be a reasonable answer and a logical one that I will attempt to practice. But infertility, especially when you are going thru treatments are all consuming. In practice I believe this will be extremely hard. But, I can try. And if I am successful 10% of the time, I’ll be content with myself. However, isn’t it almost ignoring it, pretending you aren’t experiencing it or what you are aiming to achieve?
Regardless, my aim is to increase the arsenal against infertility’s emotional devastation.
What I intend to do in practicing cautious optimism?
Continue relaxation technique.
Continue seeing my therapist.
Continue to walk at lunch (aim for five days, be satisfied with two).
Start yoga on Monday, January 8th.
Get a massage once a month.
Seek other activities to do during treatments (book club, cooking classes, increase yoga classes, etc.).
Write a daily list of things I am grateful for when I am undergoing treatments.
I truly believe that if I am able to learn to practice cautious optimism, it will help me find peace. And maybe it will automatically lend itself to infertility too.
What are your thoughts? How do you practice “cautious optimism”?
The last few months have been productive, despite some turbulent moments. I survived the holidays. I learned my limitations: with people, with myself, and with the pursuit for baby. I learned about the wonderful world of therapy; to practice a relaxation technique and be in a moment for a while. I’ve enrolled in a yoga class. (I start Monday and I am so excited.)
But, it has also led me to cautious optimism. Seems like a harmless phrase; something easily accomplished and understood. Many people discuss it in relation to infertility. But my logical part asks, “What does it mean and how do I practice cautious optimism?”
Honestly, it seems like you need to practice it if you want to survive. To avoid all the roller-a-coaster action and utter disappointment that is infertility. Why is it then I cannot find a “how to” book, a definition, concept discussion online, etc.
So, I asked people in my reality:
T’s answer, “You look at your wanted result, with caution. You know that there are many outcomes and are satisfied with any of them and if the ultimate outcome results you are ecstatic, but it isn’t the end all.”
Great theory honey, and I am working on being equally happy with other resolutions. But I believe that would mean I would be equally happy with being childfree. While the idea has grown on me considerable, maybe that it might just be the outcome, I’m just not there yet. Therefore using your definition, I’m screwed. So, I must chug along.
A colleague brought up the topic dealing with work. I asked him what it meant. He said, “If it is raining, there is a 100% chance of rain. If it isn’t raining, then it isn’t raining.”
He admits that he is a pessimist and I have to agree. No optimism in this one.
My therapist suggested not thinking about the wanted end result. To concentrate on other things which make me happy. To ignore all signs of a positive solution. To only focus on other good things in my life and list them everyday in order to focus only on those things and not the desired outcome.
It seems to be a reasonable answer and a logical one that I will attempt to practice. But infertility, especially when you are going thru treatments are all consuming. In practice I believe this will be extremely hard. But, I can try. And if I am successful 10% of the time, I’ll be content with myself. However, isn’t it almost ignoring it, pretending you aren’t experiencing it or what you are aiming to achieve?
Regardless, my aim is to increase the arsenal against infertility’s emotional devastation.
What I intend to do in practicing cautious optimism?
Continue relaxation technique.
Continue seeing my therapist.
Continue to walk at lunch (aim for five days, be satisfied with two).
Start yoga on Monday, January 8th.
Get a massage once a month.
Seek other activities to do during treatments (book club, cooking classes, increase yoga classes, etc.).
Write a daily list of things I am grateful for when I am undergoing treatments.
I truly believe that if I am able to learn to practice cautious optimism, it will help me find peace. And maybe it will automatically lend itself to infertility too.
What are your thoughts? How do you practice “cautious optimism”?
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
An Active Cycle
Since starting Clomid in May, I realize that I have active and quiet cycles. In the fourth cycle of Clomid, I am experiencing an active cycle.
Now, I hate active cycles. Why, because they give me hope. Again, it should be word banned from my vocabulary. Especially when it is false hope. Let me explain.
Like I said, I've been on Clomid for four cycles. The first was in May. I admit, I had no idea what to expect. The cycle was active. I felt nauseous, absent minded, crampy, experienced a keen sense of smell, etc. Basically, everything that I hear pregnancy causes. So, my first cycle I was convinced that I had ovulated. Since my gynecologist gave me the script and sent me on my way, I wasn't being monitored. I figured from body changes I had ovulated on CD 13. Although I never got a LH surge on my hand dandy monitor.
Well, at my first and second appointment with the RE, I found out that I was completely wrong.
My first appointment with the RE, I was at CD 30. They gave me blood work to determine if I did indeed ovulate. It came back inconclusive. As a result, I was told to come back in a week if my period had not started, which I did. During that blood draw, they saw the progesterone spike.
Yes, people the gynecologist had given me bad advice about when to take the Clomid as well as the wrong dosage, and as a result I ovulated between CD 30 and 38. Also she didn't tell me that my monitor would work while on the Clomid. (Because my PCOS doesn't come along with a high LH which she must have known considering I had that checked at her office.) So, despite all the body signs I read, I never surged.
Very aggravating considering I was convinced that I had ovulated and could possible be pregnant. Granted the four home pregnancy tests and the beta confirmed the opposite.
I did a little bit more research and found that Clomid causes pregnancy symptoms. Somehow I find that cruel.
So, the RE upped the dosage to 100mg and directed me to take it on CD 5-9 instead of CD 1-5. I've ovulated three times on that dosage. Also, relatively early for me(CD 20, CD 18 and CD 18). Much better. At that dosage, my symptoms involved cramps pre-ovulation, moodiness, and forgetfulness. Nothing really bad and to be honest, my body was really behaving by not having pregnancy symptoms. In my book, it was being considerate.
Well, I think I may have thought that too early. My body is misbehaving again. I know, when has it been cooperative or supportive in this endeavor?
For the last few days, I've been experiencing cramps, an accute sense of smell, nausea, moodiness and forgetfulness.
DO NOT SAY IT.....WHATEVER YOU ARE THINKING....PLEASE....DO NOT SAY IT TO ME OR THINK IT.
I really feel this false hope again. As a result, I am guarding myself and chalking it up to that. FUCK my body. I am stopping the mind games!
So, this two week wait will only suck even more than usual not only because of the active cycle. Besides the fact I had a bridal shower last Sunday that I forbad myself from drinking at; I also have a family party this Saturday that I won't be allowed to drink at! UGH! Also, my test day is J's wedding. YUP, my fourth active cycle SUCKS right now. The only thing that could change it, well I don't need to say it, because you all know what could change it.
With that all said. I am not in a bad place. Honestly, I am feeling calm, cool, and collect. I don't want to get my hopes up anymore. If it happens I will be ECSTATIC. However, if it doesn't I want to just accept the SUCKINESS of infertility and move on. It will be the only way I can get thru this situation.
Also, despite this post, I am always HOPEFUL. I am the eternal optimist. And even when I fight hope, I am hopeful.
Praying that FALSE HOPE dies a long and painful death, soon.
Now, I hate active cycles. Why, because they give me hope. Again, it should be word banned from my vocabulary. Especially when it is false hope. Let me explain.
Like I said, I've been on Clomid for four cycles. The first was in May. I admit, I had no idea what to expect. The cycle was active. I felt nauseous, absent minded, crampy, experienced a keen sense of smell, etc. Basically, everything that I hear pregnancy causes. So, my first cycle I was convinced that I had ovulated. Since my gynecologist gave me the script and sent me on my way, I wasn't being monitored. I figured from body changes I had ovulated on CD 13. Although I never got a LH surge on my hand dandy monitor.
Well, at my first and second appointment with the RE, I found out that I was completely wrong.
My first appointment with the RE, I was at CD 30. They gave me blood work to determine if I did indeed ovulate. It came back inconclusive. As a result, I was told to come back in a week if my period had not started, which I did. During that blood draw, they saw the progesterone spike.
Yes, people the gynecologist had given me bad advice about when to take the Clomid as well as the wrong dosage, and as a result I ovulated between CD 30 and 38. Also she didn't tell me that my monitor would work while on the Clomid. (Because my PCOS doesn't come along with a high LH which she must have known considering I had that checked at her office.) So, despite all the body signs I read, I never surged.
Very aggravating considering I was convinced that I had ovulated and could possible be pregnant. Granted the four home pregnancy tests and the beta confirmed the opposite.
I did a little bit more research and found that Clomid causes pregnancy symptoms. Somehow I find that cruel.
So, the RE upped the dosage to 100mg and directed me to take it on CD 5-9 instead of CD 1-5. I've ovulated three times on that dosage. Also, relatively early for me(CD 20, CD 18 and CD 18). Much better. At that dosage, my symptoms involved cramps pre-ovulation, moodiness, and forgetfulness. Nothing really bad and to be honest, my body was really behaving by not having pregnancy symptoms. In my book, it was being considerate.
Well, I think I may have thought that too early. My body is misbehaving again. I know, when has it been cooperative or supportive in this endeavor?
For the last few days, I've been experiencing cramps, an accute sense of smell, nausea, moodiness and forgetfulness.
DO NOT SAY IT.....WHATEVER YOU ARE THINKING....PLEASE....DO NOT SAY IT TO ME OR THINK IT.
I really feel this false hope again. As a result, I am guarding myself and chalking it up to that. FUCK my body. I am stopping the mind games!
So, this two week wait will only suck even more than usual not only because of the active cycle. Besides the fact I had a bridal shower last Sunday that I forbad myself from drinking at; I also have a family party this Saturday that I won't be allowed to drink at! UGH! Also, my test day is J's wedding. YUP, my fourth active cycle SUCKS right now. The only thing that could change it, well I don't need to say it, because you all know what could change it.
With that all said. I am not in a bad place. Honestly, I am feeling calm, cool, and collect. I don't want to get my hopes up anymore. If it happens I will be ECSTATIC. However, if it doesn't I want to just accept the SUCKINESS of infertility and move on. It will be the only way I can get thru this situation.
Also, despite this post, I am always HOPEFUL. I am the eternal optimist. And even when I fight hope, I am hopeful.
Praying that FALSE HOPE dies a long and painful death, soon.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Neutral
Mr. Webster, please provide some synonyms of the word. Well, just a few are: impartial,
aloof, bystanding, calm, clinical, collected, cool, detached, disengaged, disinterested, dispassionate, easy, even-handed, fair-minded, impersonal, inactive, indifferent, inert, nonaligned, nonbelligerent, nonchalant, noncombatant, noncommital, noncommittal, nonparticipating, nonpartisan, on sidelines*, pacifistic, poker-faced*, relaxed, unaligned, unbiased, uncommitted, unconcerned, undecided, uninvolved, and unprejudiced.
Thank you Mr. Webster.
Three days past ovulation and I'm feeling neutral. Can't really explain it more than that and not to say I won't analyze later. Maybe I'm feeling neutral this time because I remember how I felt last cycle? Or maybe because T and I have done everything humanly possible and it isn't our control. Could I've learned the lesson of Let Go and Let God finally! I feel at peace.
Now, I don't know how long this will last. But, Peace if you could stick around a little while longer, I would really appreciate it. Especially since I shouldn't test until August 24th and that seems right now, a long ways off.
aloof, bystanding, calm, clinical, collected, cool, detached, disengaged, disinterested, dispassionate, easy, even-handed, fair-minded, impersonal, inactive, indifferent, inert, nonaligned, nonbelligerent, nonchalant, noncombatant, noncommital, noncommittal, nonparticipating, nonpartisan, on sidelines*, pacifistic, poker-faced*, relaxed, unaligned, unbiased, uncommitted, unconcerned, undecided, uninvolved, and unprejudiced.
Thank you Mr. Webster.
Three days past ovulation and I'm feeling neutral. Can't really explain it more than that and not to say I won't analyze later. Maybe I'm feeling neutral this time because I remember how I felt last cycle? Or maybe because T and I have done everything humanly possible and it isn't our control. Could I've learned the lesson of Let Go and Let God finally! I feel at peace.
Now, I don't know how long this will last. But, Peace if you could stick around a little while longer, I would really appreciate it. Especially since I shouldn't test until August 24th and that seems right now, a long ways off.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
20 Questions
My need to have a child is immense. For the last few days, I've been contemplating what my need may bring me to. Knowing that the child will not come easy, leaves me fearful. What if? This is a terrible game that I play with myself constantly, since I need to have plans, options before I need them. As a result, my 20 questions to myself.
1. Why do you want a child? I want to experience the amazing miracle of a baby growing within me. I want to know that child is part me and part my husband. To experience watching a child and recognizing something about them from me, my husband, our parents, and grandparents. For my husband and I to be parents. To care for a child and love that child unconditionally. I want to know that I have done the best I can to create a beautiful person who is intelligent, productive and compassionate. I yearn for this child. I yearn to watch my T with the child; playing, parenting, etc. I yearn for him to be a Dad, because he will be great at it.
2. Would you still have this need if you didn't have to wait? It seems to me that the longer I wait, the more the feelings intensify, more the desire intensifies. Yes, I do believe that the need, want, and desire would still be there with or without the wait, but it is magnified.
3. Do you think the wait has helped in any way? I will admit, despite the frustration and aggravation that it has caused, I think it has made me more prepared, improved my husband's and my communication skills, and also made me a more aware person. So maybe in the end, it'll be a good thing that we had to wait, because it will make me a better parent for that child. Also, the wait will only make the victory that much sweeter.
4. Do you want a child because you feel entitled to one? No, because I don't think there is anything of this magnitude is entitled. I believe a child is a blessing. Whether or not we aren't granted a child, I don't think I'm entitled. However, I will be disappointed, because I can't help but wonder why I wasn't granted this blessing. This pondering makes me worried that my envious side will win and I will become bitter. This may be my biggest fear. I don't want to be bitter because I didn't have a child. I need/want to accept it.
5. Are you fearful of the Clomid and what if it doesn't work? Yes, I am a little afraid of the Clomid. It causes emotional mood swings, dehydration, forgetfulness, etc. But, my fear is what else is it causing? Is it destroying my uterus lining or my cervical mucus? Is it causing some un-repairable harm? These are my concerns, but the need out weighs these fears. Also, if I want a child, I need to ovulate and since I don't ovulate on my own. I need to take something that makes me ovulate. And the Clomid works for me. If it fails, I know I will survive. Heck, I've already survived two failed cycles on the Clomid, what is two more.
6. What are your thoughts on the medicated IUIs and what if they don't work? I'm willing to try. They aren't as invasive as IVF. Also, as an added bonus, the Catholic Church is OK with it. Even though, I think a failed IUI cycle would be very emotional, it is an emotional distress that I'm willing to go thru and I can survive. I don't think a failed cycle would destroy me. But, who knows, after one failed IUI, it might be enough for me.
7. What if you are faced with IVF? IVF is another story. I'm not thinking of my religion's beliefs. I'm not thinking of what someone may consider "morally" right. (After all some of my favorite people were miraculously born this way.) I'm thinking that I couldn't survive a failed cycle. After all, those embryos are fertilized, the only task my body would need to do is implant. If my body failed to implant, than it would be my body's ultimate failure. To me, it would be equavilent to a miscarriage. All of my hope and love would be with them. And I know, that a failed cycle would put me in the insane asylum. I have no doubt.
8. Are there any other issues that make you feel apprehensive about IVF? You mean besides the demise of my mental state? Well, my realistic side cannot fathom spending that much money on anything that at best has a 50% shot. Sadly, for T and I (unless the secondary insurance I find is AMAZING) we will be paying out of pocket. An average IVF cycle between $12,000 and $15,000, and considering it takes more than one cycle usually. It would be beyond our means. I know how horrible that sounds, that I'm thinking about money when it comes to a child. Maybe I am selfish. But I know that: I want a child, be able to buy a house someday to house said child, and be able to financially support said child. So, maybe I am selfish. But when I consider how that money could be put towards adopting a child, I don't think I'm selfish I think there might be another path for us.
9. What do you think of adoption? The more I think, the more I come to this conclusion, that adoption sounds really nice. There are children that need parents. And I would like to be one. Also, I truly believe that it wouldn't matter to me if the child was genetically ours. (Believe me, I would be upset never to experience being pregnant, but ultimately my need/desire for a child is greater than my need to be pregnant.) Lastly, I believe that adopted children were ALWAYS meant for their adoptive parents, they just needed to be born a different way.
10. Do you have any reservations about adopting? I have no doubt that I will be able to love that child regardless of who its birth mother/father were or where they came from. I also don't believe that it would matter to T. Ultimately, the group of people that I am most fearful of their lack of acceptance is our families. This seriously causes me to pause. Because sadly, I think they may have some difficulties accepting the decision.
11. Are there benefits to adopting? Yes, adoption allows us to wait a little while longer. After all there is no biological clock ticking with adoption. There is a preference that the parents be under 40, so we would need to start with in the next four years because of T. We could buy a house now. Save for the adoption. Travel a little bit more. It would be valuable time to enjoy ourselves a little more and prepare ourselves for our future little ones.
12. Do I think too much? Most definitely. Have you met me?
13. Am I being a coward for not being able to go thru IVF or do I just know myself? I think the answer is a little bit of both. I do feel like a coward, but I honestly do not have any doubt in how I feel. I know that I wouldn't be able to survive a failed IVF and maybe that is me being cowardly. But, I think it would be foolish of me to plow ahead and realize it when it is all said and done.
14. Will I regret not trying? Maybe, but my sanity is worth much more to me than a regret. After over two years of trying, am I really "not" trying, by saying I have done all I can.
1. Why do you want a child? I want to experience the amazing miracle of a baby growing within me. I want to know that child is part me and part my husband. To experience watching a child and recognizing something about them from me, my husband, our parents, and grandparents. For my husband and I to be parents. To care for a child and love that child unconditionally. I want to know that I have done the best I can to create a beautiful person who is intelligent, productive and compassionate. I yearn for this child. I yearn to watch my T with the child; playing, parenting, etc. I yearn for him to be a Dad, because he will be great at it.
2. Would you still have this need if you didn't have to wait? It seems to me that the longer I wait, the more the feelings intensify, more the desire intensifies. Yes, I do believe that the need, want, and desire would still be there with or without the wait, but it is magnified.
3. Do you think the wait has helped in any way? I will admit, despite the frustration and aggravation that it has caused, I think it has made me more prepared, improved my husband's and my communication skills, and also made me a more aware person. So maybe in the end, it'll be a good thing that we had to wait, because it will make me a better parent for that child. Also, the wait will only make the victory that much sweeter.
4. Do you want a child because you feel entitled to one? No, because I don't think there is anything of this magnitude is entitled. I believe a child is a blessing. Whether or not we aren't granted a child, I don't think I'm entitled. However, I will be disappointed, because I can't help but wonder why I wasn't granted this blessing. This pondering makes me worried that my envious side will win and I will become bitter. This may be my biggest fear. I don't want to be bitter because I didn't have a child. I need/want to accept it.
5. Are you fearful of the Clomid and what if it doesn't work? Yes, I am a little afraid of the Clomid. It causes emotional mood swings, dehydration, forgetfulness, etc. But, my fear is what else is it causing? Is it destroying my uterus lining or my cervical mucus? Is it causing some un-repairable harm? These are my concerns, but the need out weighs these fears. Also, if I want a child, I need to ovulate and since I don't ovulate on my own. I need to take something that makes me ovulate. And the Clomid works for me. If it fails, I know I will survive. Heck, I've already survived two failed cycles on the Clomid, what is two more.
6. What are your thoughts on the medicated IUIs and what if they don't work? I'm willing to try. They aren't as invasive as IVF. Also, as an added bonus, the Catholic Church is OK with it. Even though, I think a failed IUI cycle would be very emotional, it is an emotional distress that I'm willing to go thru and I can survive. I don't think a failed cycle would destroy me. But, who knows, after one failed IUI, it might be enough for me.
7. What if you are faced with IVF? IVF is another story. I'm not thinking of my religion's beliefs. I'm not thinking of what someone may consider "morally" right. (After all some of my favorite people were miraculously born this way.) I'm thinking that I couldn't survive a failed cycle. After all, those embryos are fertilized, the only task my body would need to do is implant. If my body failed to implant, than it would be my body's ultimate failure. To me, it would be equavilent to a miscarriage. All of my hope and love would be with them. And I know, that a failed cycle would put me in the insane asylum. I have no doubt.
8. Are there any other issues that make you feel apprehensive about IVF? You mean besides the demise of my mental state? Well, my realistic side cannot fathom spending that much money on anything that at best has a 50% shot. Sadly, for T and I (unless the secondary insurance I find is AMAZING) we will be paying out of pocket. An average IVF cycle between $12,000 and $15,000, and considering it takes more than one cycle usually. It would be beyond our means. I know how horrible that sounds, that I'm thinking about money when it comes to a child. Maybe I am selfish. But I know that: I want a child, be able to buy a house someday to house said child, and be able to financially support said child. So, maybe I am selfish. But when I consider how that money could be put towards adopting a child, I don't think I'm selfish I think there might be another path for us.
9. What do you think of adoption? The more I think, the more I come to this conclusion, that adoption sounds really nice. There are children that need parents. And I would like to be one. Also, I truly believe that it wouldn't matter to me if the child was genetically ours. (Believe me, I would be upset never to experience being pregnant, but ultimately my need/desire for a child is greater than my need to be pregnant.) Lastly, I believe that adopted children were ALWAYS meant for their adoptive parents, they just needed to be born a different way.
10. Do you have any reservations about adopting? I have no doubt that I will be able to love that child regardless of who its birth mother/father were or where they came from. I also don't believe that it would matter to T. Ultimately, the group of people that I am most fearful of their lack of acceptance is our families. This seriously causes me to pause. Because sadly, I think they may have some difficulties accepting the decision.
11. Are there benefits to adopting? Yes, adoption allows us to wait a little while longer. After all there is no biological clock ticking with adoption. There is a preference that the parents be under 40, so we would need to start with in the next four years because of T. We could buy a house now. Save for the adoption. Travel a little bit more. It would be valuable time to enjoy ourselves a little more and prepare ourselves for our future little ones.
12. Do I think too much? Most definitely. Have you met me?
13. Am I being a coward for not being able to go thru IVF or do I just know myself? I think the answer is a little bit of both. I do feel like a coward, but I honestly do not have any doubt in how I feel. I know that I wouldn't be able to survive a failed IVF and maybe that is me being cowardly. But, I think it would be foolish of me to plow ahead and realize it when it is all said and done.
14. Will I regret not trying? Maybe, but my sanity is worth much more to me than a regret. After over two years of trying, am I really "not" trying, by saying I have done all I can.
15. Will I be OK if I never become pregnant? Ultimately, I don't have a choice. It will be my cross to bear.
16. Can we love a child that is not ours biologically? Yes, I believe this to be 100% true.
17. So, if that is 100% true, than why don't you quit now? Because, there are still things we need to try. We aren't at the point to toss in the towel. To give up hope on a biological child. Also, who knows it may be something we consider down the road, because to be truthful, if we are lucky in having one beautiful, healthy, little one; I don't know if I could put myself thru this emotional turmoil again. I think I would be done, which is sad considering I wanted 4 when we started. But, adoption will allow us to open our hearts to more children. So, if not this time, maybe another time.
18. When will you be ready to give up? Not sure. Definitely know that there will be 1 more Clomid cycle and three medicated IUIs. More than that, I'm not sure. I'd be willing to "try" by inducing up to 12 ovulations. Since I've ovulated three times, I would count that towards the 12, and it would leave us with 9 more tries. At this point and time, that sounds like so much to put my body and mind thru. So, I don't know.
19. Have you thought of not having children and being married without building a family? This one, I have not really thought thru. I can say that is not how I envisioned our lives. If this is the situation, T and I have a really good example of how it can be done with his Great Uncle and Aunt. They have been happily married for 50 years. So, it can be done. But, would I be OK with it. I do not know.
20. Are you still hopeful? Yes, I am hopeful that the extreme measures of infertility treatments will not be necessary. Like so many others, that I will be lucky and the Clomid will be all I need. But I am a realist. I know that the Clomid only gives me an 8% chance of pregnancy and the medicated IUI 25%. I know that my time on the miracle "crazy" pill is limited due to it's side effects. I must mentally start preparing myself for the possibilities.
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