Yes, I still am thinking about it, I actually never stopped. After thinking about it, I don’t like what I figured out. How I hate saying this, I think T is right. Err….it makes cautious optimism so much more difficult! (As if life with infertility isn’t difficult enough!)
Did I tell you that I have formed another ending for our baby quest, if we never get the baby? We will do three medicated (Clomid) IUIs and G-IFT. Then, if we are unsuccessful, well that is why I’m here muddling thru cautious optimism.
To sum it up, T’s definition means that I need to be OK with any results. That leaves us with a few options of possible outcomes: 1. We get lucky and pregnant with a baby that sticks around and is in our arms in nine ½ months; 2. We don’t get lucky and proceed to adoption; 3. We don’t get lucky and proceed to a child free existence. (Yes, I do know that there are so many other options in between. But, I don’t want to hurt my brain any more. It hurts as is.)
The problem is that I am perfectly content with options one and two. Both options get us to my desired end result of being a parent and having a beautiful little one of our own. Yes, with adoption, I still mourn a little. It is sad to consider I’ll never get to see T’s deep blue eyes or dimples on our child or recognize a missed loved one. But, I think I would be really good with a child to love.
The option I have an issue with is the third, living child free. It has its perks. No responsibility except to each other. Always being able to live in the moment and only for ourselves. Taking vacations to wherever and whenever we want. To be a family as a couple. After all we still are a family.
But, will we miss not being parents? To share our love with someone else. Someone to know us and be able to carry us on, after we go, a legacy. Never said that I wasn’t selfish in this baby quest. And I think that this dilemma may all change if and when my sister has a child. Since he/she will be someone to carry our story after we are gone. And if I logically think about it, we do have children in our lives that we love very much.
I think about it all. And this is a part that I think about very much.
What happens when we are older and there is no one to care that we exist or existed? After all, when push comes to shove, family is always there. Even if you don’t like them. With the logical fact, that I will outlive T, a future alone is a little scary too. No one to share memories of his/her Dad.
I’m focusing on all of this because I know that T hasn’t thought it thru.
And, in my craziness I need to think of all the options before he has decided, to prepare myself. To be OK with whatever he comes up with. And this is the part that scares me that I won’t be OK with an end result that he wants and vice versa. It leaves me in terror thinking about it. He always says, whatever (procedure) you want. But, he is hesitant about adoption. And I understand that, he needs his time to process. After all only a few months ago, he had to process us needing ART to conceive. We had to go thru all of the failed medicated and sex cycles for him to come to that conclusion. So, it is safe to say he will come to my conclusion in the end. But who knows?
Ultimately, he is my family. And no matter how much I want a baby, he is better than a maybe baby. So, I need to have my allegiance to the one I know will be around and that is my T.
Wow, I think I just reached cautious optimism. Well, at least for this exact moment in a logical thought process. My T is a constant and maybe baby is a variable so that equals a Dianne who is going to stick by her guy. So in the end, I’m OK with option number 3 too.
It doesn’t mean that I cannot mourn our wanted child. Despite however much I think I’m OK with it, it still makes me sad. And I have a feeling that will be the case for some time. As I realized in the counselors chair a few weeks ago, I have at least another 15 years of my friends and family telling me their having a child. Therefore, I need to get over it. I need to get OK with it on an emotional level. But, that will have to be another day and she has promised to get me to that point.
Also, I logically am reminded that I have no idea how this story ends, I’m just trying to anticipate it. So much for living in the moment, something else to work on.
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4 comments:
Well hey. There is so much uncertainty in this journey that it's not a bad thing to play out all the options.
Frankly, I think you are doing a very good job of considering living child-free. A decision like this, Dianne, is not easy - nor is it something that one of you should decide for the other.
Perhaps right now you're not at the point of considering it, but might be in the future. Perhaps your husband will change *his* mind over time too, as cycles fail.
It took J a long time to get to the point where we were on the same page - he was hesitant for a LONG TIME. And now he's all for it.
This is a long way of saying that it's good that you are thinking about it, but nothing is set in stone. Taking it a day, a cycle, a month at a time is about the only way you can get through it.
So be gentle with yourself. :)
Worrying about the future is always hard. Taking it one day at a time is about the only thing I can advise anyone going through infertility. And as for "relaxing", although not a huge advocate of this sort of pithy advice, I have to say, the only times I've got pregnant are the times I tried not to think about it too much, in other word not so much "relaxing" as keeping busy and looking the other way (if you can manage it, obviously!).
It's so hard to keep on and on, year after year, so it's really good you're starting to think about "life after". You're on the right path already. Isn't the hardest thing to digest, is how adult/married life has not turned out how you'd imagined it to be?! Such a disappointment. I mean, why did "they" never tell us how hard it could be to make some children!
Just be sure to take the time you need..and in time it will work itself out. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.
Wonderful post, Dianne. I struggled with some aspects of childfree living -- it took me about a year to come around to it, and I still have some doubts. The book "Sweet Grapes" (childfree after infertility) talks about some of these very eloquently; another good book is called "Never to Be a Mother," which draws from the experiences of elderly and unmarried women too.
I've read about and talked to women whose husbands said "Whatever you want, honey" when it came to ART and adoption. My guy is not such a one. It's a real struggle sometimes.
Best of luck to you.
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