Friday, January 12, 2007


In the last few weeks, my Mom has been talking about my cousin B. As many of you know, he passed away in September, at twenty-one, from a massive brain aneurysm caused by several brain tumors. As expected, the family is healing and at the same time missing him terribly.

His sister is pregnant with a boy due in June. If you are like me, well you have quickly made the calculations and S got pregnant two weeks (Ironically around the night of their Mom’s 50th birthday party, the last time I saw him.) before B died. Since S suffered a miscarriage earlier last year and she is feeling the loss of her brother strongly; she feels that her brother had to die so that her child could exist.

Now, I don’t personally see it this way. Along with so many other reasons, I believe that children are born so that we remember our loved ones.

When I was a child, my Grandmother used to say, “You are just like my mother-in-law. How I miss her.” But then she would tell me how I was like her, how I reminded her of her in so many good ways. With others, I remind them of themselves or a beloved deceased cousin.

B always reminded me of our Grandfather. Even though he is with us, he lives far away and if I am lucky I get to see him once in two years. B’s hands and personality were just like my Grandfather. They both are so quiet, always intently listening and then when you least expect it they would say the funniest thing! How I miss them both.

As a result, I am so excited for S’s baby. I can’t wait to see who he is like. Because I am not presumptuous to think that he will be like B. But, there are so many that I would love to be reminded of; to see and recognize them in this little one will be a gift.

And I am sad that we may never have that our selves. Part of the reason, I want a biological child is that I would love to see our loved ones in our child; T’s Dad, my Grandparents, B, etc. Sigh.


Lollipop Goldstein said...

I was so moved by this. Wishing you and your family continued healing. And much love with the new baby. Thinking about you guys.

cherylliewrodwell said...

I have been following your blog since last july (stumbled upon it by accident)... I do feel for you as myself have gone thru 2 d&c in 7 months.
I have learnt to be patience n that things happened for a reason. Dont give up. Good luck to you too.
You are very brave to blog all your happy or sad experiences...

Serenity said...

You'll have that, Dianne. You will be a mother. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it a cycle at a time.

*hug* I know from personal experience how hard it is to lose a cousin so young. May you and your family continue to heal.