Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Thank you

Again, I am very grateful to you all. Still a little bit scared, but I know it is illogical. Actually, (looking shamefully into the computer) I called the doctor's office and asked. Permanently uncorrectible vision is less than one percent and loss of complete vision is less than that. So, I must look at the positive and learn to trust.

And this whole battle within is ironically funny since I can see it being good for me in so many levels. Because this procedure has a potential to give me a little more confidence in my body. That it is possible for it to do something correctly. To help me learn to trust it again.

No matter how much I fear loss of control, I fear my body just as much. This procedure causes both of these neurosis to come up. Not to mention, that it requires me to trust a Doctor. Goodness, no wonder I am so freaked out. It isn't like I have the naivete of pre-RE. I can't say that I am as trusting as I once was when it comes to the medical community. Learned thru that experience, it is my responsibility to be the aggressive and knowlegeable patient.

This surgery is something that I should absolutely do. It is something that would be stupid for me not to do, especially if FEAR is the reason for not doing it (not to mention control or trust issues). Honestly, fear can be good, so can control, and skeptisism. But, irrational anything well is irrational. All of these feelings baffle me.

Granted, I've never been a risk taker, but I don't know if I've ever been this irrational about something. When I ONLY know of good out comes. When I know the chance is so small of something going wrong. When the good out weighs the bad.

Experience changes us and hopefully this experience will be so positive that it will be spring board to get rid of the irrational. For more positive change. Change, for the most part, I really like change. More on that later.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Freaking Out!

Now, I know that this mostly an irrational fear. But, I am affraid of becoming blind from my surgery on Friday. Now, I know - irrational. I G*ogled and it didn't come up with any testimonies of such. (Although in my craziness, I quickly thought, how would they be able to communicate via the computer if they were blind?) And the doctor only provided a less than 1% statistic that this would happen.

My irrational brain quickly goes to the fact that I more often than not fall in that less than positive statistic. PCOS 1 in 15 or 16-25%, annovulatory PCOS, treated with Clomid 80% ovulate and 40% get pregnant, IUI, and still no baby. But on the bright side (for lack of a better term) Clomid, I did ovulate and it was only 40% chance of pregnancy, and my IUIs only provided a 20% chance each - I definitely fell on the high side of those statistics.

But, I've had strange things happen to me that are slightly uncommon. I've had a tooth filled with a metal filling and a resign filling and an electric spark resulted every time I flossed that tooth. The odds, less than three percent.

I'm a little worried. Please, please, please delurk and provide me all the positive vibes. Send me good hopes. Send me your positive stories. Tell me it will be all right. Because I know this is irrational.

Who needs scary movies or Halloween spookyness? I have my own head.

Happy Halloween to all! And thank you very much for your comments to my previous post. I tried my new stuff and so far so good. It didn't leave it very dry. But, I plan to use your suggestions if it doesn't work.

Monday, October 29, 2007


Calling for opinions! Seriously. I've been breaking out worse than I did as a teenager. It is completely and totally out of control.

It started in August. It was the beginning of high stress. (Grandfather dies, last cycle which got cancelled so we had to do it again in September, sister's wedding) And only got more stressful with actual cycle, cycle failing, and sister's wedding.

So in August, I tried this and when my skin was so dried and irritated, I thought I would use this too.

What I have now is even more irritated skin. So, I picked this up today.

Honestly, all of this started when I noticed that my facial soap of two years was no longer working. (Believe me, I feel embarassed about using that soap. But it really worked!) Then what usually happens, my skin became immune to the soap. And then stress happened. So the mixture is what has my skin in a twist.

My skin is dry and requires moisturizer. The dryness is what causes the break outs. (Flakey skin gets trapped in the pores and causes drama.) So it really is a balance of exfoliation and moisture. In the past, I've used: N*utrogena, Cl*nique, and Susan. My skin has grown immune to all.

Suggestions? Thoughts? What is your secret?

Friday, October 26, 2007

Did I tell you about…

my fiasco with my flex spending account?

It started last year, enrollment time. I looked at the program, looked at the reference sites, and called people. Everyone was saying the same thing. “Of course you can use it for insurance premiums.”

Unfortunately, the pit of my stomach was queasy. It could be the large amount of money I was allocating that was non-refundable, that I didn’t feel was properly documented. It could be that people where brushing my concerns aside. It could be that I called my program administrator and she was absolutely positive that it was covered, but had NOTHING to back it up. I’d ask for a list, and was sent to the administrator and the administrator sent me to the internal administrator.

Well, two months into the program, I got a rejection for my reimbursement. I called again. What I got was, “Oh, I didn’t understand you meant insurance premiums. Our plan doesn’t cover that.” And the fact that I explained in detail what I was doing, never gave you an idea that I meant insurance premiums!”

I won’t bore you with what transpired after that, but I was irate to say the least. After well worded emails and telephone calls, unless I wanted to find a lawyer and pursue legal action – since I like my job - I wanted/needed another solution.

In nine months, I submitted everything under the sun to receive reimbursements. And I only managed to use half of the amount. While we were cycling, I had secret hopes of getting pregnant, and have it be used towards OB co-pays and other expenses. But, I didn’t get pregnant. We decided to take a break.

There are only two more months to use our left over money or we will loose it.

So, did I tell you that both my mother and sister have both gotten eye corrective surgery in the last few months? They can’t stop raving. Did I tell you that my eyes are really bad? T has been telling me to get L*SIK done for YEARS. That I have only been putting it off – just incase I got pregnant because my eyes could change with a pregnancy.

In my practical, trying to kill two birds with one stone approach to life, I found a way to use the money and help me learn to live life without the if/when we have a baby equation.

So, my surgery is scheduled on Friday the 2nd. A week from today! I’m a little nervous about the procedure to say the least. I have no expectations over the results. My eyes are really bad, so bad that I don’t qualify for L*SIK, but I do for L*SEK. (A slightly different procedure that is just as successful and less chance of complications but a longer recovery time. So I may not be reading for several days – maybe up to a week.)

And even though, my fear is very real. I’ve decided to do this. Or as T says, “Unless I can buy a therapeutic g*n for the money in that account, you are getting that surgery!”

For the time being I am trying to breathe, meditate and relax over the procedure. Also, I am going to ignore that because of the flex fiasco, I used more money on medical expenses than I possibly want to admit. (Hoping we can use towards our taxes.) And focus on, goodness, I may able to see without glasses, contacts, or both in a week!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

A Conversation

After filling her in how a Baptism went. That I was so close to saying everything on my mind and that they (my extended family and Mother) would not like it.

Lil' Sis: You've been so angry lately. Why don't you just say what is on your mind?

Me: Because we all ready have you and T. And as you know from Mom's last out burst when I tried to do this that it is not taken very well.

Lil' Sis: Well that isn't your problem. You need to do something. You are just so angry and you need to fix it.

Me: What more do you want me to do? I see a therapist, I've done treatments, I go to yoga. I can't fix this that easily.

Lil' Sis: You know there are loads of children.

Me: Stop, don't say anything else. I'm going to scream - just don't. We have made a decision - we are doing something.

Lil' Sis: But you need to fix this and it doesn't seem like you are happy with your decision.

Me: Silent.

Lil' Sis: Hello? Are you there?

Me: Yes, I'm here.

Lil' Sis: I thought I lost you.

Me: (deep breath in and say it all in an exhale) I get angry so that I'm not sad. (voice is getting heavy with a restricted sob) If I feel sad, all I want to do is cry. So I get angry. We are doing something, we are trying another option - not having kids. It is time that we need for ourselves. I used to say the same G*ddam thing - adopt. But, you know after the year we have had of loss. I want to see a child that looks like me and T - that has our loved ones characteristics. And until that feeling goes away or becomes less important - than adoption is not a right choice for us. I wouldn't be a good mother, and why would I put a child in that situation. I need to get over this before I can even consider that.

Lil' Sis: I'm sorry if I made you upset. I just want to be sure that you have been thinking about all of your options.

Me: I'm just sick of people making stupid comments. For the most part, I don't even dignify their stupid comments with an answer.

Lil' Sis: But, I'm not most people.

Me: Thats why I answered you.

Friday, October 19, 2007

I got this email chain today....

Just wanted to tell everyone that I am so grateful to have each of you in my life. I pray you all have a blessed day. It was difficult for me to decide who I thought would DO this because many people claim to pray, but not everyone does. I hope I chose the right twelve. Please send this back to me (You'll see why). May everyone who received this message be blessed REMEMBER to Pray. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. Just send this to twelve. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost just a lot of reward. Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will answer.

May today be all you need it to be. May the peace of God and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts, rule in your dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself today in ways you have never experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer and your prayers be answered. I pray that faith enters a new height for you; I pray that your territory is enlarged and I pray you step into the destiny within the ministry. I pray for peace, healing, health, happiness, prosperity, joy, true and undying love for God.

Now send this to 12 people within 5 minutes and remember to send this back.... I count as 2, you'll see why. Suggestion: copy and paste rather than forward. Everyone have a blessed day

The highlighted/italized part, I pray - but I never believed he would answer. I hoped he/she would. But, I lost that ability a long time ago. I consider myself a faith-filled person. I have faith in God - I just don't think my issues are his main concern. You know like war, famine, natural disaster.

And I wonder if that is what I did wrong.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Media

Somethings make me laugh. Other things make me want to scream.

The first story is just funny. A late night comedian (I can't remember who - I heard the quote on the radio this morning.) said that Ch*ney is related to more gays and blacks than the R*publican has members. SO FREAKIN' TRUE!


The second story irks me to no return. It infuriates me on so many levels. But the most bothersome comparison is of pedophilia and homosexuality - that they are both disorders. You know I have many an issue with the Church's antiquated points of view on homosexuality and MANY other topics. But when the Church compares or insinuates that pedophilia and homosexuality are linked or that they are equal and related disorders. I want to scream! Throw something! Sorry you stinkin' homophobes it is not the same thing!

Let me give you the definition of both.

ho·mo·sex·u·al (hō'mə-sěk'shōō-əl, -mō-) Pronunciation Key
adj. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. (American Heritage Dictionary)

ped·o·phil·i·a (pěd'ə-fĭl'ē-ə, pē'də-) Pronunciation Key
n. The act or fantasy on the part of an adult of engaging in sexual activity with a child or children.

Maybe the Church leaders can see that they are not related! One is between two consenting adults! A sexual orientation just like heterosexual. The other is a HUGE problem that destroys people's lives. It is a horrendous act against a child. They are not related. Psychologists have not linked the two; I should reputable and non-bias psychologists with a political slant have not linked the two. They are separate - unrelated!

Can someone remind me why I follow the teachings of these baboons! Oh yeah - it is a religion not a cult!

Monday, October 15, 2007

The Stages of Grief


I thought I was closer to Acceptance - the final stage, until the last few weeks, when I’ve experienced ANGER.

Anger with both people in my life and others who are in the media. The stupid people with kids who refuse to take responsibility for the child. The friend's husband who is too busy focusing on himself to realize he has my dream of a family. Family who are so wrapped in their own lives. The random comment. But mostly when people comment on their children and how hard life is with those children.

And my anger is making me act out. I feel a need to counter with some uncomfortable truth about infertility.


Sister’s SIL comments about how inconvenient it is for her to care for her daughter. I comment on the replacement baby I want in a sports car.

Cousin who just recently had a beautiful baby boy complains about the baby weight she gained. (If you saw her, you’d want to throw-up. She is the size of my pinky.) I respond, yeah that’s difficult. I’ve lost 7 out of 15 pounds I gained from my infertility medications. And I didn’t get a new baby out of it.

Sister shows me a picture of the stone family collection she made in Aruba. She says “It is suppose to bring you good fortune, fertility, wealth, etc.” I slap my forehead and say, “That is what I did wrong.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I usually restrain the anger, but it has been bubbling over. Making me much more blunt about my infertility. And I know that makes others uncomfortable. But to be truthful, I am taking a secret pleasure in making them feel that way. Making them realize how I feel living in a fertile world.

But I do hope this subsides quickly considering I could be alienating myself a tad. Snarky comments are OK, but they need to stay in my head a little bit more. Sadly, I do restrain myself. I haven’t been rude to my co-worker with the 2 beautiful kids who call to talk. No, I stay quiet. Could be why the filter between my brain and my mouth becomes weaker when I don’t necessarily have to behave.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Plowing thru my list.

So, 19 days after my negative (But who is counting?) and I am plowing thru my negative list.

1. Get rid of unused G*nal-f pen. I've offered it to a friend of a co-worker and if she doesn't need it. I must get creative.

Co-worker's friend not on G*nal-f. Contacted one other person that I know of in real life (another friend of a friend). Honestly, I am only attempting to do this this way since I don't know of the legal rammifications of doing it another way. i guess I could call R*solve and see if they have a donation program. Any one have any experience with this?

2. Clean up and package Cl*ar Bl*e F*rtility M*nitor. Give to sister. (Yeah, they probably will start trying in a year or so after the wedding.)

Haven't done this yet. The girl is on her honeymoon. But I also need to figure out how to get the stored information (so that I can keep for just in case). Any one out there with prior experience and knowledge?

3. Call primary care for birth control prescription.

I did this, and have been on the magical pill for a week. The meds were given to me after a mandatory pregnancy test and mental health check up. Adding insult to injury on both counts. I am not crazy for going on the pill! Crap people have thought I was crazy for doing procedures, now others are wondering if I am nuts for stopping. Last time I checked, I am mentally sane just infertile. Remember, my hoohaha and connecting parts is where the problem lies.

4. Ask Mel to move me to "Child Free" Category.
Did this today.

5. Figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

This one I am taking one day at a time. There are many things that I've been mulling around. I think it will be a slow process. I should break it up into steps.

First step is to regain my interests. Sounds like something that I shouldn't have to work on, but I realized recently that infertility has consumed me in many ways. So, I am trying to rekindle my interests. Blog reading has worked in consuming, so I thought that it might help me in a more positive way. As a result, I've added a few new non fertility related blogs.

More steps will follow - I need to figure them out first.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Two sides to every story.

The First Side - The Sister's Point of View

The wedding was beautiful. The weather was perfect. It was on October 6th in Southern Massachusetts, and it was 85 degrees. Highly unusual. The sun was shiny, and the sky clear. Hardly a leaf on the ground.

The Bride was beautiful, the Groom handsome, the bridal party gorgeous, the parents proud, and the guests content. The ceremony beautifully worded and presided by the Groom’s uncle. The reception was picturesque; the toasts heartfelt; the band melodious; the flowers fragrant; the food delicious.

It was the perfect wedding. My sister’s dream.

The Second Side - The Infertile's Point of View

The Groom’s sister continuously complained about having to take time to prepare her daughter for the wedding. On the way to the church, she did it again. I started talking about the sports car I wanted to replace the baby I can’t have – my replacement baby. At one point, she nearly had a melt down, because she was being bugged by her nieces, nephew and daughter. You mean the kids came to you? I mean they don't know any of us? I don't know why they would come to you, maybe because you are their Aunt and Mom?

The Ceremony was heavily geared towards blessing Michele, Mike, and their future children. Every time the nice priest said the word children, I cringed. “What if?” PCOS is often hereditary. I wondered if that is what we did wrong. We weren’t blessed to have children. Our marriage was blessed. Maybe that is why my brother-in-law’s family has 8 nieces and nephews. We have none. We missed that requirement to having children. And the prayers of the faithful requested G-d to bless the Couple, the sick, the poor, the leaders, families, deceased, and for married couples. All good. When they said, "For all of our other intentions." I prayed for us dealing with infertility.

When someone heard T and I had been married for five years in November, I got asked if we had kids. I said, “No.” And thought to myself, we are infertile. As the night went on, I may have said it out loud. I did tell the cosmetologist who commented on my problem skin that I just started the pill after being on hormone treatments for infertility. I think I may have shocked her.

Oh yeah, I also came out of the infertile closet with my brother-in-law's brother and wife at the rehearsal dinner. Oh well, two glasses of wine and I don't care.


Overall, it was a great day. Beautiful in almost everyway. Yes, the infertile elephant followed, but I managed to avoided him 95% of the time. And I did I get my groove on ;).

As soon as my photos come in, I will share - I promise. My sister made a beautiful bride.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

We're going to the chapel...

And my sister is going to get married!

The wedding is finally here people. Well, not exactly today, but Saturday at 2:30pm to be exact. But, I'll be away from a computer starting today until Monday.

So, I'm signing off for the next few days.

Goodness, my baby sister is getting married!

Monday, October 01, 2007

The Infertile Elephant in the Room.

My last post on my state of being is only half true. See, there is an elephant in the room - the infertile elephant.

When I distance myself from it, I feel fine. But, when I look at it closer I see things that have a potential of causing me to unravel.

What I see: Three years wasted. The dream of four children with his eyes. Pain. Lost hope. Desperation. Unforgiveable contempt torwards my body. Knowing T will not be a Dad because of me. Guilty because he did not choose this and is dealing with it because of me. Pregnancy after pregnancy of other people. Pain. Hurt. Left behind. Grief. Guilt because I will never make my mother a Grandmother. Anger because she makes me feel guilty.

Hands. Hands that are my genetic link to my Grandfather and my cousin B. Hands that I connect with people I love. The connection to what was and what will be. That link, I will more than likely never have thru a child.

Knowing that this year is just prolonging the inevitable. Prolonging the fact that I'm not strong enough to go on in this struggle nor strong enough to quit. So, we procrastinate the decision - when in my heart of heart I know what the answer should be. But to face it right now. Is just too hard.

So, instead of looking too closely, I am trying to glimpse at it. Look at it briefly. Focus on everything else. Pretend he is not in the room. Pretend that he doesn't exist.

Denying him power. Getting over it. Questioning and wondering if I have to face him? If ignoring can do the job? And knowing that it won't.

A day late, a dollar short :)

So, I'm a little late about my happiness challenge. But since I picked an easy one. Well, I did it faithfully. If anything in the last week, I've increased it.

My challenge was to drink a cup of coffee everyday. It is something I've done for the last year. But it is something that makes me happy. I go between making my own to buying. From enjoying iced to hot. The only thing that is the same is that it is caffeinated.

How does it make me feel? Well, while going thru infertility treatments, it helped make me feel grounded. Like a normal person. It was the one thing that I refused to give up. After trying. It brought me back. To memories where coffee was not restricted. To memories of coffee and conversation. To memories of family gatherings.

Unfortunately, it also brought me to the moms and dads of the day. Especially when it was right after an IUI. When all the soccer moms and dads would be there. But, that was two days. Really, it only brought the elephant into the room. The Infertiity elephant. Those days, well, I wish I had made it at home.

Otherwise, I took my time in sipping. Enjoying the solitude, the aroma, the taste, the total experience. And on this Saturday, I enjoyed two cups in front of a homemaker over show and introduction to a leisurely weekend.

Next month, meditation. Now, this is something that I've tried before and failed. Goodness. This one will be rough. But, not all good things are easy.