I thought I was closer to Acceptance - the final stage, until the last few weeks, when I’ve experienced ANGER.
Anger with both people in my life and others who are in the media. The stupid people with kids who refuse to take responsibility for the child. The friend's husband who is too busy focusing on himself to realize he has my dream of a family. Family who are so wrapped in their own lives. The random comment. But mostly when people comment on their children and how hard life is with those children.
And my anger is making me act out. I feel a need to counter with some uncomfortable truth about infertility.
Sister’s SIL comments about how inconvenient it is for her to care for her daughter. I comment on the replacement baby I want in a sports car.
Cousin who just recently had a beautiful baby boy complains about the baby weight she gained. (If you saw her, you’d want to throw-up. She is the size of my pinky.) I respond, yeah that’s difficult. I’ve lost 7 out of 15 pounds I gained from my infertility medications. And I didn’t get a new baby out of it.
Sister shows me a picture of the stone family collection she made in Aruba. She says “It is suppose to bring you good fortune, fertility, wealth, etc.” I slap my forehead and say, “That is what I did wrong.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I usually restrain the anger, but it has been bubbling over. Making me much more blunt about my infertility. And I know that makes others uncomfortable. But to be truthful, I am taking a secret pleasure in making them feel that way. Making them realize how I feel living in a fertile world.
But I do hope this subsides quickly considering I could be alienating myself a tad. Snarky comments are OK, but they need to stay in my head a little bit more. Sadly, I do restrain myself. I haven’t been rude to my co-worker with the 2 beautiful kids who call to talk. No, I stay quiet. Could be why the filter between my brain and my mouth becomes weaker when I don’t necessarily have to behave.