Monday, October 15, 2007

The Stages of Grief

Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance

I thought I was closer to Acceptance - the final stage, until the last few weeks, when I’ve experienced ANGER.

Anger with both people in my life and others who are in the media. The stupid people with kids who refuse to take responsibility for the child. The friend's husband who is too busy focusing on himself to realize he has my dream of a family. Family who are so wrapped in their own lives. The random comment. But mostly when people comment on their children and how hard life is with those children.

And my anger is making me act out. I feel a need to counter with some uncomfortable truth about infertility.

Examples:

Sister’s SIL comments about how inconvenient it is for her to care for her daughter. I comment on the replacement baby I want in a sports car.

Cousin who just recently had a beautiful baby boy complains about the baby weight she gained. (If you saw her, you’d want to throw-up. She is the size of my pinky.) I respond, yeah that’s difficult. I’ve lost 7 out of 15 pounds I gained from my infertility medications. And I didn’t get a new baby out of it.

Sister shows me a picture of the stone family collection she made in Aruba. She says “It is suppose to bring you good fortune, fertility, wealth, etc.” I slap my forehead and say, “That is what I did wrong.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I usually restrain the anger, but it has been bubbling over. Making me much more blunt about my infertility. And I know that makes others uncomfortable. But to be truthful, I am taking a secret pleasure in making them feel that way. Making them realize how I feel living in a fertile world.

But I do hope this subsides quickly considering I could be alienating myself a tad. Snarky comments are OK, but they need to stay in my head a little bit more. Sadly, I do restrain myself. I haven’t been rude to my co-worker with the 2 beautiful kids who call to talk. No, I stay quiet. Could be why the filter between my brain and my mouth becomes weaker when I don’t necessarily have to behave.

14 comments:

Ellen K. said...

I've been there. I wish I could offer good advice. The anger-snarkiness is one of the hardest things to manage. DH and I joked (sort of) about "if only childfree could be PARENTfree." Because truly, it was the parents who pissed us off, time and again.

Fertilize Me said...

AH, this was me this weekend - full of anger and uncontrollable rage. I do hope that it gets easier to handle for your sake. I am very sorry you are even having to give these thoughts space in your head.

Samantha said...

It's tough, but completely understandable, that you have such angry thoughts. It's hard to escape something that is all around you.

CAM said...

Oh boy...I have been there! I used to say that I wanted to kick pregnant women in the shins! A nice swift kick. My husband would warn me that if I kept up being so harsh that when I actually did have a baby (ha ha) that no one would show up at my shower.
Good luck with the self control...its a tough go.
:)

PCOSMama said...

I say go right ahead and be snarky.... I'm a believer that the non-infertiles need a bigger window into our world. As in, they need to be educated. Sometimes snarkiness is a good thing! ;)

Seriously though (yeah, I was being serious above, but a little snarky too, heehee), if you're feeling the need to get it out I figure it can't hurt too much. I would think that these people know that you are going through a rough time and would be a bit more understanding....

Pamela Jeanne said...

I think Ellen nailed it. I've had my fair share of anger directed at people who don't have any idea how stupid their complaining sounds to someone who would give their left arm to have the object of complaint. Kvetch all you want to us. It's cathartic.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I think you should do what you need to do to make yourself feel better. If you keep these things bottled up you will explode. I went through periods where I said exactly what I felt and it didn't do much harm!

Piccinigirl said...

I think saying what you feel can only make you feel better and that's really ok.
I may be PG, but I still do it. I know that I am making people uncomfortable when I start speaking about the IF world but too bad! I TTC for 3.5 yrs and just because I got PG doesn't mean all that hurt goes away and I promise myself all the time, that the women still TTC , they are the people that I owe those comments to, to make sure that people don't think I've forgotten. I haven't.

thinking of you...

LJ said...

Mel had a GREAT post on anger the other day, I highly recommend it. I think you're entitled to your comments. You didn't say anything that was terrible, and frankly - they opened the door with insensitive comments. We all do a lot of caretakeing. We know how much this hurts, and so we try to keep others from pain. Sometimes folks need to experience the frustrations we have.

Glitter said...

I don't blame you for being angry.

It's the same thing I've been seeing, just not IF: someone is sad for a friend who is going though some health issues yet it the same sad person who was gloating about her mom getting a clean bill of health.

wanttobeamom said...

I have been through this too. I think it's part of the grieving process to cycle back through "previous" stages. When ever I think that I'm almost at "acceptance" I slip back to denial or anger again. I haven't let myself say the snarky comments outloud when they pop into my head. Did it help relieve some of your stress? Maybe I should try it sometime when the stress is just too much to handle...

I am thinking of you.

Sunny Jenny said...

Good for you! I am glad you are letting out that anger! Let it pour out!

~Carrie said...

It's so hard not to be angry and you can't keep it bottled up. And people need to realize how their flippant comments really hurt those of us who would give our left arm to have to lose 'baby weight' (I have had weight problems too b/c of the meds), to have the inconvenience of taking care of a child... I guess those who haven't experienced IF don't understad the insensitivity of such comments. And I agree w/lj - you didn't say anything that bad.

Kami said...

So they are bit snarky . . . they also might give someone a tiny window into the life of someone dealing with infertility. IMHO, that is a good thing. I loved your comebacks.