Monday, October 01, 2007
The Infertile Elephant in the Room.
My last post on my state of being is only half true. See, there is an elephant in the room - the infertile elephant.
When I distance myself from it, I feel fine. But, when I look at it closer I see things that have a potential of causing me to unravel.
What I see: Three years wasted. The dream of four children with his eyes. Pain. Lost hope. Desperation. Unforgiveable contempt torwards my body. Knowing T will not be a Dad because of me. Guilty because he did not choose this and is dealing with it because of me. Pregnancy after pregnancy of other people. Pain. Hurt. Left behind. Grief. Guilt because I will never make my mother a Grandmother. Anger because she makes me feel guilty.
Hands. Hands that are my genetic link to my Grandfather and my cousin B. Hands that I connect with people I love. The connection to what was and what will be. That link, I will more than likely never have thru a child.
Knowing that this year is just prolonging the inevitable. Prolonging the fact that I'm not strong enough to go on in this struggle nor strong enough to quit. So, we procrastinate the decision - when in my heart of heart I know what the answer should be. But to face it right now. Is just too hard.
So, instead of looking too closely, I am trying to glimpse at it. Look at it briefly. Focus on everything else. Pretend he is not in the room. Pretend that he doesn't exist.
Denying him power. Getting over it. Questioning and wondering if I have to face him? If ignoring can do the job? And knowing that it won't.