My last post on my state of being is only half true. See, there is an elephant in the room - the infertile elephant.
When I distance myself from it, I feel fine. But, when I look at it closer I see things that have a potential of causing me to unravel.
What I see: Three years wasted. The dream of four children with his eyes. Pain. Lost hope. Desperation. Unforgiveable contempt torwards my body. Knowing T will not be a Dad because of me. Guilty because he did not choose this and is dealing with it because of me. Pregnancy after pregnancy of other people. Pain. Hurt. Left behind. Grief. Guilt because I will never make my mother a Grandmother. Anger because she makes me feel guilty.
Hands. Hands that are my genetic link to my Grandfather and my cousin B. Hands that I connect with people I love. The connection to what was and what will be. That link, I will more than likely never have thru a child.
Knowing that this year is just prolonging the inevitable. Prolonging the fact that I'm not strong enough to go on in this struggle nor strong enough to quit. So, we procrastinate the decision - when in my heart of heart I know what the answer should be. But to face it right now. Is just too hard.
So, instead of looking too closely, I am trying to glimpse at it. Look at it briefly. Focus on everything else. Pretend he is not in the room. Pretend that he doesn't exist.
Denying him power. Getting over it. Questioning and wondering if I have to face him? If ignoring can do the job? And knowing that it won't.
10 comments:
Dianne - I am thinking of you in this rough time!
What a big elephant....and it doesnt always help to "take one bite of the elephant at a time" I never quite grasped that statement...
I am sorry you are in such a tough and lonely place...
Thinking of you...
Another powerful post. You've captured, again, the angst of facing tough decisions with equally tough consequences. I know this particular elephant far too well! Hoping that you'll find peace very soon with your next round of decisions.
HUGS Dianne! Hoping for you XXX
I don't think that taking a year off is ignoring the elephant. It's learning to live with it, on a day-to-day basis, and realizing how different it feels on different days. Some days I ignore the elephant; some days it's almost invisible. Other days it is even my friend!
Regardless, please do not beat yourself up. It takes a lot more courage to step away and consider your own needs than to stumble forward when you're feeling broken and blinded.
There is nothing wrong with procrastinating if it allows you to make better decisions about your life - or just give yourself a much needed break. You still have lots of options to be a mom, if you decide it is worth what it may cost.
I think you are doing just fine and commend you for taking care of yourself.
That elephant is a powerful reminder--and it has the ability to crush you or to be the means on which you ride out of this jungle. It's a very powerful post that moved me to tears.
Dianne,
The elephant never leaves, but I hope someday you can find a place to put him, safely, so you can feel like you control him, and he doesn't control you.
I don't think of your decision to reconsider in a year as procrastinating. You are in a difficult spot and this year is a chance for you to feel out your new situation. Trying to place ultimatums on yourself on how you should feel and behave will probably only make you feel worse and have a more difficult time. I don't know how many times I've said this, but I wish things could be easier.
I relate to the elephant thing. Infertility has cloaked my entire life and it is always, always there. It goes everywhere with me. I hope you find freedom from contempt for your own body because it's not your fault.
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