Friday, April 27, 2007

A baby shower.

On Sunday, I get the pleasure of going to a baby shower with my mother and all of my mother's female extended family members. Yes, if you sensed sarcasm in that sentence, it was intended.

I would rather....clean toilets....drink fish oil....have a BFN.

But, it is for my cousin. A cousin who didn't tell me she was pregnant. A cousin that I am clearly not friends with. However, we are related. And in order to preserve what little relationship we have. I've decided to go.

Oh, yeah. I also decided to go, because it is easier to go than listen to my mother telling me "That I am a terribly selfish person who isn't happy for anyone because I can't have what they have. And that I have been completely insufferable since starting to take hormones."

What fun awaits me.....oh what fun.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Catholicism - Part II

If I consider infertility to be a medical condition, and I wouldn’t hesitate in doing a medical procedure to save my life, why then wouldn’t I consider IVF? This is a major question. Because I do consider infertility to be a medical condition. But, I physically cannot die from infertility. It does however effect me emotionally and mentally. It does make me feel sad, depressed in my darkest days, which has been known to cause physical ailments in others. But will I die? More than likely no. However, most medical procedures are not condemned by the Church. I can’t think of one that is, besides IVF. Could this be a case of men not recognizing the significance of not being able to procreate? A misunderstanding on their part.

Did you know that Catholic Nuns helped with the development of fertility drugs, specifically the nun’s urine? Serono Laboratories in Italy used the urine of post-menopausal nuns to prepare the pharmaceutical extract Pergonal, prescribed to stimulate fertility. Pergonal is gonadotropin which helps produce several eggs. The human menopausal gondotropins (hMG) consists of FSH and LH which is closely connected to human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) which is also used in ART procedures to release the eggs. How am I to interpret that involvement? It seems to me that they support ART more than they lead on. These drugs are also used for non fertilization procedures. The answer could be that, but they are more often used for IVF. It seems contradictor.

Do we pursue and then ask for forgiveness later? The answer to this is clearly no. As a Catholic, I believe that you are judged on what you know to be true and right. Therefore, if after my analysis, I don’t believe this is true or right. Then I cannot pursue and then ask for forgiveness. In this situation, it would be very tempting to say the end justifies the means, but it would be the opposite of what I am trying to do here. It would mean that infertility won again, and another piece of Dianne is lost.

And how do you raise a child in the Catholic Church when its doctrine believes that child was never to exist? How do you explain all of this to said child when the time comes?

Lastly, how do I ignore that desire which has been put in my heart by God? Because I don’t believe it could be put in my heart by any other.

I will be answering all these subtopics in separate posts. Mostly because there is so much to each of them and I don’t want to overwhelm myself. Well, I don’t want to overwhelm myself any more than I all ready am.

Thanks ladies for reading along my thought process, please do continue to comment. This is something that I want to talk thru with several people in real life as well as in Blogland. Getting all of those thoughts and opinions may help me figure out my own opinion for my situation.

It really saddens me how much infertility takes away from a person. It threatens each and every piece of the being. And I feel like I am constantly battling to keep the original me in one piece, and this piece is a big part of me. I don't want to reshape it, unless I truly believe it needs to be. I don't want to loose this piece of me because of my useless body.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Catholicism - Part I

A long time ago, Father Mike told me “Catholicism is a religion, not a cult.”

I can’t remember what he was talking about exactly. But, I do remember it being about that the hierarchy of Catholicism states many things as doctrine that we as members of the religion are not required to believe, if we can logically and reasonably come to another conclusion, using our faith as our guide.

Now, this is hard to do. But there are many things that I don’t blindly believe in that the Catholic Church believes in. Because, many of their doctrines, all though created in the name of God, are created by humans, men in particular. And as time goes by many of those decisions have been recanted. Lets not forget human follies completed in the name of the Church such as the Spanish Inquisition or the Crusades. The Catholic hierarchy is not infallible.

There are many other issues that I sometimes believe fall into this category, such as women not being allowed to be ordained ministers (Did you know that in the early Church women were allowed to be deacons? These women were granted powers of Baptism etc.), or how priests are not allowed to marry (Did you know this was allowed in the early Church and banned due to children and property issues?), or that unborn children may be in a continuous purgatory. (How the heck do they know? These children are pure. You can’t get any more pure?)

So, for last few months, I have been struggling with IVF. And I go back and forth – completely undecided on my position. See, I am trying to use my faith, the Holy book, and my knowledge to reason a decision on this complicated topic. Also, please note that I do not hold any judgment on anyone who uses IVF or is successful with IVF. I am just trying to figure things out for myself. I am trying to remain Catholic and while “pushing(ed) myself to the limits” as Baby Blues said.

See that is my struggle. How do I push myself to the limits, while remaining true to my faith? And do I believe in what my faith teaches is correct on this topic? How do I not loose my faith too? Infertility takes so much away as is.

I thought I had the solution with 3 IUIs and a GIFT. But outside groups are FORCING me to reconsider. Our secondary insurance has made it a requirement for us to complete 3 injectible IUIs on top of the Clomid IUI which we already have completed. Then my RE is refusing to pursue GIFT. Her statistics show that IUIs are more successful. So, she has almost flatly refused to pursue GIFT. And she is the only RE for our primary insurance network – meaning they use no other RE for the entire Boston area. Leaving us little choice about switching doctors, but it may be what we need to do in the end anyway.

But, see I am not sure how I feel about IVF. I thought I had it straight in my head. I wasn’t willing. Because the embryos would be children in my mind and that it would be too difficult to go thru all of that and have it be unsuccessful. It would only solidify my feelings of a defective body. Make me hate my own body more. All things that are not good in my opinion. Not to mention, my fear, that I may loose my mind in the process.

However, yesterday, when the nurse called to tell me I would have the choice of IVF or cancellation. I thought maybe I should consider this more closely. But, I quickly said out loud, “IVF is not an option right now for us.” I was thinking, what if it is our only option. What if, I am such a good responder that this will happen continuously? What if, IVF will be our only option? Leaving me with no choice but to truly think this completely. It was no longer something I could examine later if need be. It was a right now question.

So my thought process began:

First, the Church approves of drugs for ovulation and procedures that allow for increasing your odds without fertilization. (Please note I know that this is an over simplification of the doctrine.) So, they are reinforcing their belief that life starts at conception. However, as many of us know, fertilization may happen without implantation ever occurring. So, are they insinuating that there is more mysticism with fertilization, than implantation, or the life itself? Is the thought process that life is started at fertilization and therefore medical science shouldn’t have the same privilege? Is this thought process established to prevent confusion with pro-choice doctrine?

This point, perplexes me to no end. Personally, I do believe that life is created at fertilization. But, I also know that if we are lucky enough to get fertilized embryos, that is no guarantee of implantation. I truly believe, that God’s hand is involved with implantation and maybe that this is actually where life is started. This thought process reinforces my belief that children conceived thru IVF, are gifts from God because implantation is not a guarantee.

Secondly, the Bible states “Go forth and multiply.” That statement in itself leads me to believe that we should have children. But it doesn’t talk about how to do it. Granted at the time of the Bible, there weren’t other ways to get it done. Lets not forget that the wedding mass asks specifically if the couple is willing to accept children into their lives? Which begs the question, if we are to be willing to accept children, wouldn’t it be our responsibility to pursue them?

In the Bible, there are so many stories about women who struggled to get pregnant or who had womanly issues. Such as Sarah, or the woman who was healed by touching Jesus’ robe. In those stories, God helped them succeed in obtaining their child or healed their medical condition. But, if we have medical interventions to help us, wouldn’t it be wise to take it? Especially since the mysticism of conception is still there. It is still very much in God’s hands. Wouldn’t it be negligent not to take this opportunity given to us by medical science to our advantage? Isn’t their knowledge, granted to them by gifts given to them by God? Their intelligence, comprehension and will to want to know how to help. Aren’t those gifts?

Part II to come later….my brain currently hurts. I obviously have more questions than answers here.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Try 8 follicles.

I want to cry. The nurse called to tell me that my E2 is 1466 and I have 8 follicles. Our choices were to cancel or go with IVF. I am not ready for IVF.

Cancelling is the only solution at this point. And, we will need to take the next cycle off, to let my ovaries heal themselves.

Why does this have to be so hard?


To answer Aurelia, I think it isn't an option. Considering coasting - from what I've read - requires putting the patient on a lower dosage. They put me on 37.5 yesterday, and my E2 still increased by 500. So, I don't think that is a possibility. Also, the follicles were all very close in size 3 at 17mm (the three that I saw), 3 at 14mm, and 2 at 13mm.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Day 7 - E2 at 975

All right my resident experts, should I be concerned? My E2 is 975, it is Day 7. I've been directed to bring down the Gonal-f to 37.5 and to come in tomorrow for blood and ultrasound.

Now, the reason I am a little concerned is because when I tried to figure out what that number means. I got this from INCIID:

What should E2 numbers ideally be during an injectables cycle?
You should see 150-200 per mature follicle. (Note: E2 tends to be somewhat lower on pure FSH cycles. You may use this as a guideline, but your physician will be your best guide in this case.) It ideally should be 100 or over after three days of LH-containing injectables. It ideally should be 100 or over after 4-5 days of injectable recombinant FSH. No chart can show ideal E2 levels since E2 varies per number and size of the follicles.

If I am doing my math correctly, that could mean 4.8 to 6 mature follicles. It could mean a whole bunch of immature follicles too and I won't know for sure until the ultrasound. But, either way it explains why my ovaries have been bugging me.

But, I am concerned that if they have too many mature follicles that they will cancel this IUI. I mean four is manageable and to be honest would be the ideal situation. Considering one of those little guys SHOULD get fertilized and maybe just maybe implant. But, SIX, I am not looking for a litter here. Two or three I would welcome in heart beat. But, SIX!

Did I tell you about the nightmare I had when I first started taking clomid. Well, keep in mind that I was also experiencing killer cramps at the time. Basically, I dreamed that I had sextuplets and all I kept on saying "But, I only took clomid." Now, I know that Gonal-f increases the chances of multiples etc. But, for twins and such. Not sextuplets.

Thoughts, experiences, etc. are greatly appreciated. Even if it is, breathe Dianne you will know more tomorrow. But I am all ready repeating that to myself :).

P.S. I also know that I am overreacting. To be honest, writing this has made me feel more in control. Freak out over. But, I would still really like to hear your personal experiences. Thank you!


Samantha asked a really good question. The E2 number of 975 was after four days of the G*nalf and I was on CD 7.

Also, did go in for the ultrasound this morning. Turns out that it looked like I have at least three mature follicles and a bunch of little ones. I will post more later once I get the news. But it does seem that the IUI will be happening this week.

Which leaves me pondering whether or not to do our 3rd IUI immediately after. Because we leave for our trip at the end of May. And presuming that if this cycle is over by the 15th, we could do the injectibles and have our 3rd IUI before our trip. But do I really want to be on a 2ww on vacation? And do I want to stress myself out with all of this timing. Considering the IUI would be presumable on the two days before we leave.

OK - praying that this is it and I no longer have to ponder so much. Yes, yes, yes I know that if this is it - then I will only be pondering other things. But those other things seem like green pastures at this point.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

The Needle

I never knew that I would feel this way about injectibles. I never knew that a needle would feel so significant.

When I got my box of drugs on Thursday, I felt excited. Happy that they got here on time and I was able to start the G*nal-f. A new adventure to our maybe baby.

But when I finally got home and openned the box. I started pulling out all of the supplies. Syringes, gauze, the Gonal-f pen, the HCG shot, I started to feel petrified.

My T called at the exact moment of my utter freak out. He was able to talk me down. To comfort me, because he was going to do my first shot. The next words, but I won't be home on Friday night in time. Call your sister.

My immediate thought, call my sister? To give me a fertility drug? Tried to breathe, still feeling abject terror. So, I got off the phone with my T and called little sis. Trying to make this as non-chalant as possible. "Hey will you give me a shot?" My sister, "Sure." Fiance in the background, "WHAT? You are going to let her near you with a sharp instrument?" Me, "What choice do I have?"

Well, the thoughts going thru my head. I am a total coward. So many of the women on the boards or blogland are able to do it. And yes, I've always admired them for their ability to put their big girl pants on. So, that is what I need to do, when it becomes necessary.

My first shot on Thursday night, T was able to do it for me. It went off without a hitch. Except for when I started to giggle from being nervous. Giggling with a needle inside of you, is NOT a good idea. But, no bruise. T is good at this needle thing, PHEW, one down.

Friday night, I go to my parents. Yes, that is where I had to go for my sister to give me the shot. See she was visiting from a small island off the shore. (She didn't just fly in for this, thankfully she was coincidentally coming in.) I prep the G*nalf and she watches the video. She performs it without incident - except I started to giggle again. (Meanwhile my Mother and Father in the background, I can't believe all of this.)

Saturday night, T tells me that I should try to do it at least once. Just so that I know I can do it. His reasoning, that he was not going to be home on Tuesday night and didn't know if work would prevent him from being home on time.

We went out for Mexican, I indulged and had a margharita.

Came home. Prepped the needle and when T was in the bathroom. I put my big girl's pants and gave myself the shot. I put my fear a side and just did it. Then, once it was done. I wanted to cry.

Because, this is NOT how I thought us becoming parents would be. I did NOT think that we would have to do ALL of this. And it was VERY real at that moment. I am infertile, my body is defective, and this is NOT a sure shot that we will get pregnant. Even with all of our efforts.

It made me so sad. To think that it may never happen.

It also made me feel resentful to all the people who get easily pregnant and take it for granted; the pregnancy, the child(ren), being a parent. The whole entire thing that I so very much want.

And maybe with time, the pain will go away. I'm not sure if that will be a good thing or not.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Some of my heroes.

In my life, I've been blessed to know three people who were young and dying of a terminal illness. They were my heroes. An inspiration because of not how they died, but because of how they lived.

All of them - Denise, Brian and Bobby - were courageous, intelligent, mature, caring, compassionate, and full of wisdom.

If they were concerned for their own mortality, they never showed it. They were always more concerned for the people left behind. A wisdom that they were lossing their lives, but that it was going to be hard for the ones left behind. Their loved ones. And they always seemed to care more about how we were going to handle it, than how they were handling dying.

It is inspirational. It is an example of how I would like to be. But I know that I am not.

So as someone who has been left behind and who remembers them. I try to continue their memory thru their example. See because two of them tried to keep us busy, to give us a productive way to mourn, by asking to continue their memory in supporting organizations or programs.

(A few weeks before Denise died, she asked to support organ donation. I have. Bobby asked to continue our support of the Brain Tumor Society.)

Ultimately, I feel that by doing what they asked of me; I'm given an opportunity to remember these amazing people and to help others who battle what they battled. Who are more than likely also more concerned for the ones left behind. Because I sincerely hope that their are no more left behind.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Shuffling feet - hopeful look on face. Clearing throat.

I apologize for posting about this again. However, this is important to me. Any money that I am able to raise in Bobby's memory - well - it makes me feel closer to him. (I will post more about this thought process later.) So despite the fact, I KNOW that all of you are stretched when it comes to cash - well if you can spare $5 and if a hundred people can spare it, that totals $500. Which leads me to ask again.


As some of you may know, I have recently lost my cousin and friend Bobby. A strong and courageous 21-year-old to an eleven-year battle with brain cancer. Bobby his immediate family and friends have participated in this event for the past several years and raised money as individual riders. This year we have created a team of over 25 family members and friends to ride this May In Memory Of Bobby. We have named the team Bobby's Bikers. Our goal is to raise $10,000.00 this year, as of today we have raised $4,925.00. Our goal of $10,000.00 would double what we raised all together as individual riders last year. As a family, we feel that it is our duty to continue to raise awareness and do our part to help find a cure. We cannot get our Bobby back but we can help someone from losing one of his or her loved ones, or someone you may even know.

And if you are asking how does this effect me? I would like for you to think of the following:

1. If you don't know of anyone with a brain tumor as of yet - chances are that you will in your lifetime.
2. Statistics show that over 200,000 people are diagnosed with some type of a brain tumor each year.
3. There are over 120 different types of brain tumors. This makes treatment very difficult. Whether it is malignant or benign it can be just as injurious or life threatening.
4. These tumors are the leading cause of cancer deaths in children under the age of 20. The numbers of deaths have surpassed acute lymphoblastic leukemia.
5. It is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in male adults ages 20-29 and the fifth leading cause of cancer deaths in female adults ages 20-39.

Does this information surprise you? Despite all of the statistical numbers and all the deaths,brain cancer research is severely under funded and most of the public remains unaware of the magnitude of this disease. The cure rate for most brain tumors is greatly lower than that of many other types of cancer.

Helping us raise awareness and participating in The Ride For Research is important.

Please help us reach our goal by making a donation, any donation big or small is greatly appreciated. Remember, no donation is too small and all donations are tax
deductible. You may make any donation online or you may use this form to mail it in. However, the online version of donation does allow for annonymous donations.

Thank you in advance for your generous help, and remember you are helping a good cause.

Sincerely, Dianne

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


Yes, it is a small miracle, but the insurance has approved the 3 injectible IUIs in two days. And I am in complete and total shock. We will not have to sit out this cycle. (Well, if the online pharmacy calls me today, and I am able to get my drugs by tomorrow.)

I hate all this precise timing - no room for error. It makes me nervous.

Also, have any of you been on G*nal-f? If so, what are the pleasant (said with irony) side effects of the drug?

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Hi Aunt Flo

Spotting this morning. Oh well. Hoping that the insurance approval is in before she comes for real, so that we don't need to wait two whole cycles to do IUI #2 with G*nal-f.

Mental Notes:
Nausea is possible without a pregnancy during the Luteal Phase. (Clomid/HCG - DPI9)
Luteal Phase is longer with the HCG shot - approximately 17 days.
Infertility SUCKS.

Monday, April 16, 2007

No word!

No word from prespective buyer of our condo.
No word from Aunt Flo - not even a knocking.
No word from maybe baby - 4 negative pregnancy tests as of today.

About the condo, I am not so concerned. He called my sister's friend, told him that he was very interested, and just trying to figuring out money and how to get his money back from a offer he had made. Since this was on Saturday, I am assuming, he may not have been able to get his cash over the weekend which is causing the delay. Either way, I am calling him tonight. Unfortunatelly, today is a holiday here in Massachusetts - Marathon Monday.

About Aunt Flo and Maybe Baby: It is cd30 or dpi16. And on a medicated cycle, my luteal phase is consistently 14 days. However, this is my first time that I used a trigger shot and in my hormonally imbalanced body, that alone may cause for a longer luteal phase and a pointless nausea.

So, it leaves me simply wanting to know. I've called the REs office and asked for a blood test. And if the HCG does cause my Aunt Flo to be late. Well, it could be a very good thing if my insurance approves the next step before she comes.

So, either way, I am praying for good things :). But when am I not?

Saturday, April 14, 2007

If you first don't succeed, try, try, again

Took the test, and it was most definitely negative. One of two things could be happening: 1. It was to early to test and there might be a good reason that the RE doesn't test before DPI 17. or 2. This IUI was a bust.

But either way, I am still nauseous. (Really I have been pondering where or not this is in my head. But, I don't think it would wake me up out of a solid sleep, if it were in my head. But who knows.)

And no signs of my period. So time will tell. Again, I am being taught patience.

So stay tuned, I will be peeing on sticks until Tuesday :). And if it is negative, well we still have a few more tricks up our sleeves don't we?

Friday, April 13, 2007

Can't sleep.

Too anxious with anticipation.

Tomorrow I can test and still no real signs of Aunt Flo. I am full on optimisitic and hopeful Dianne. Very dangerous. It is DPI 13.

I am also excited because a friend of a friend of my sister's may have helped us out tremendously with selling our condo. Turns out this kid (young twenty-something) is looking for a two bedroom in our town. Literally, got the call about his interest yesterday, and he came over not ten minutes later! He seemed very interested and we are very keen on selling the condo especially without a realtor! Lets say this together, WOW! Praying it works out.


It is almost 6:00 am, my poor boy kiddy is constipated. And per the internet, I should try half a can of wet food. Lets hope that fixes my poor Sam. He is my sweety. (Everything can't be perfect!) LOL!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

So true!

Your Mind is 67% Cluttered

Your mind is quite cluttered. And like most clutter, it's a bunch of crap you don't need.

Try writing down your worst problems and fears. And then put them out of your mind for a while.

Me Normal? LOL!

You Are 60% Normal
Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal
You're like most people most of the time
But you've got those quirks that make you endearing
You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Anyone else feel this way? *UPDATED*

So, it is dpi 10, for the last day and half, I've been feeling nauseous. And the only reason I can come up with - NOT READY TO ENTERTAIN OTHER REASON. NOT TO MENTION THAT IT WOULD BE MUCH TOO EARLY TO GET MORNING SICKNESS. - is the HCG shot.

Has anyone else gotten nauseous with the HCG shot around dpi 9? (But, did not feel any nausea before.)

Also, does anyone know if you can take a home pregnancy test, if you took an HCG shot? I've read in a couple of places that you can, if you wait until 14 days after the shot. I just want to prevent a false negative :(. Any personal experience out there.


Thanks Aurelia. I took your advice and I took a HPT this morning. It was negative. So the HCG is definitely out of my system. And I don't expect to test again until Saturday - especially I am still nauseous. Honestly, if I didn't have this struggle of drugs versus pregnancy in my mind. I wouldn't be that bad. Because afterall, if you don't mind, it don't matter. :), I crack myself up!

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Baby why don't we go!

T and I booked our vacation today. A week long cruise to the Caribbean. It has been a while since our last one. And I cannot WAIT! So excited. Something to look forward to, that has nothing to do with babies.

Sand between my toes, service on the cruise ship, excellent food, utter and total relaxation.

In less than two months, we will be in paradise.

Friday, April 06, 2007


It used to be about enjoying a spiritual occasion and good food; seeing friends and family. Instead, now it has turned to another holiday that I sometimes would rather avoid.

Usually, it would be a bigger festivity. It would have consisted of mass, dinner with my mother-in-law, T’s step-father, my parents, my sister and fiancĂ©, an aunt, her boyfriend, and son. After the enormous dinner with too much desert, we would go to visit former church friends. (Now we are just friends.) People that we don’t see often, but love to see when we can.

But, this year, Easter will be quiet. It will consist of dinner with only my husband, my mom and dad, no mass and no visiting of church friends.

Dinner will be quiet because my mom didn’t feel like throwing a big event. And I can’t blame her. My mother-in-law and T’s step-father were invited, but they declined. So my mom took the opportunity to make it just for us. My sister and fiancĂ© will be joining the festivities later in the evening.

And I declined on the visit with church friends. I said it was because of being at work super early the next day, which is completely true. I plan on being at work on Monday at 8:00 am, since I need to leave work before 11:00 am to go to an RE appointment, and hopefully returning to work by 2:00 pm to finish the day. But there was more of a reason that I didn’t want to go.

See, these friends don’t know of our infertility struggles. While they are extremely sweet, caring, compassionate people, I feel pulled as to whether or not to share. Why? Well, I am not ashamed of it. But, I don’t want to open Pandora’s Box either. See these friends are VERY Catholic. And while I know that they believe we should procreate – this is the same friend that told me that there is only one reason to get married and that is to have children – I don’t know if I would have to explain myself about ART. Because as we know, ART is a sensitive topic for Catholics since the Church has strict guidelines on what they determine to be acceptable procedures.

You may be wondering why this would be more of an issue this year than prior years? The reason is that the hosts are very proud grandparents of two beautiful boys. And my best friend S, who will be in attendance, is six months pregnant. (We were both married in the same year – 2002.) Now, I love to see those beautiful boys, and I am very happy for S. But, I don’t want that question to be directed at me. Especially since I don’t know if I should deflect it with sarcasm or provide an honest answer “sometimes it isn’t up to us, but to God.”

And I am reminded that I am 50/50 in the closet about our infertility. The people that know and ask about it; know everything there is to know. The people who don’t know; know nothing. Anyone who has guessed, I come clean with. Others who don’t bring it up with me, and I know that they know because my mother has an enormous mouth, I don’t bring up with them. (Mostly my mother’s family which only increases the rift between us, because they won’t talk to me about the most difficult thing that I’ve ever experienced in my life.)

All of this makes my head hurt. I wonder if it would be best for everyone to know. To be open. To gain support from real life people. To ask for their prayers. But, it is pride that makes me keep it a secret with the majority of people. I don’t want pity; I want empathy. And I can’t control how people react to my infertility, I can only control how I react to it.

Instead, I avoid these situations, so that I don’t have to make a decision. So, that I can put it off a little while longer. Yet, I know that I will need to make these decisions soon. Since, I assume they will be at S’s baby shower in May. I refuse to miss it. Due to the event, it will be a baby conversation day. But, I also know and somewhat comforted, that I will probably be too preoccupied with what is coming out of my mom’s mouth to actually socialize with anyone. I have the knowledge that my mother may have outted me to these very same people and I am fretting all for nothing.

The funniest part of this all is that I have decided that regardless of who asks about our maybe babies that I will be honest with them. Also, if we are ever blessed with a baby or two, that I will be honest that we used ART to conceive. I don’t feel ashamed about it. I will feel like we got lucky using every means necessary.

All of this makes me feel like a huge contradiction and there is a very good reason I see a counselor. Err…my head really hurts.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Cautious Optimism

The last few days, I've been struggling. Trying to figure out how I feel. I don't feel exceptionally hopeful. I have hope - but it isn't overwhelming. It is being kept in check with doubt.

(The last few nights have been plagued with dreams of my period showing up at any moment. Nice thought, huh?)

It is weird place to be. Which leaves me wondering is this cautious optimism? It feels like ambivalence. Because I do care what happens, I want to believe that this is our cycle. To be truthful, I think we at least have learned somethings and this is giving me comfort in general. And it is a weird feeling. Because, I think, I will be OK with either answer this cycle. This bothers me, since I feel as if I should have more hope. More of an inclination about this cycle. More faith that it worked. It is just an odd place to be.

But, when you think that we had great sperm counts - over 50 million - between the two IUIs and at least one good egg. The odds have to be in our favor, right? At Infertility Blog, the Doc is ironically talking about IUIs. This is what he had to say. Basically, that as long as there are 13 million you are in good shape. And I think to myself what if you have almost 4 times that number. Does that mean we have more of a chance?

So I am stuck. I want to hope, to believe, to be faithful that it happened for us this cycle. I'm not Irish and I am not lucky. And back of my mind, the statistics that at best IUIs give you a 20% shot hover in my head. I feel grounded when I think I should be in the clouds. I think this is a good thing.

However, I am worried that the mysticism of our egg and sperm meeting, and creating life, requires me to believe. Like Tinkerbell, you have to believe in fairies for them to live. I wonder if I am doomed because my belief is so much weaker since coming to terms with my infertility. I have become a realist, to a fault. And I simply do not have the belief we WILL become parents. I have the belief that we WILL be OK, with or without a child. It will just be a different dream than what we original thought for ourselves. But, that we need to try to give our maybe baby an opportunity.

Leaving me with the thought that maybe I should borrow my mother's rose colored glasses, wish on several shooting stars, make a wish on a wishbone, and believe that this is our cycle.

Monday, April 02, 2007

The song on the radio after IUI.

Gravity by J.o.h.n. M.a.y.e.r

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away
Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much aint twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees


Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
Oh gravity has taken better men than me you see now how can that be?
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Keep you me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Ohh… where the light is!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

April Fool and Christmas Eve

Today I had my first IUI. Per the nurse, there is one good follie and sperm count was gorgeous. I will be going back in tomorrow for the second IUI.

And the only foolish thing that I will allow myself to do this cycle is the conception calendar. More out of pure curiousity. Result is December 23/24th. Christmas. Wouldn't that be a hoot? For on April Fool's Day I got inseminated with a possible Christmas baby! For some reason that is funny to me.

I feel releaved that the shot wasn't as bad as I anticipated. I do admit, I was petrified of it. And T had to do it. I just wasn't prepared for the utter fear I had to that needle. Maybe it wasn't that I hadn't had weeks of preparation - Maybe it was because it wasn't in my original protocol - Maybe it is that I have a fear of needles. But what ever it was, I had no idea that I would be that scared.

Also, unfortunately, T had to work today and he has a meeting tomorrow that he can't get out of. So that left me going in alone today with a repeat solo performance tomorrow. So I am thankful for the nurse today. She was heavenly sent. One of the warmest people I've met at the office. She sat in with me for a while, answered all of my questions, and helped make me relax. So all together, it wasn't a bad experience. But it did sting more than I thought it would - both physically and mentally.

Because, as I laid there, I realized that we infertiles are so invested in our maybe babies from the beginning. We know so much. We've all ready been into the doctor's office for four days for blood draws and empty womb shots, we know the exact number of follies and sperm count, all before the actual insemination. We know so much, except if we will actually get pregnant or if we will actually get that baby home. No wonder it hurts when the cycles don't work, when the pregnancies fail. By the time we get a negative, we are emotionally invested, never mind after we get a positive.

We know what we want, why we are there, and how rewarding or disappointing it will be. Yet, we still do it. And I realize that G-d must give infertiles some extra strength, some extra courage, some extra fortitude. Because this thing called infertility isn't for the weak hearted, it isn't for the easily discouraged, and it isn't for the unfaithful.

But, it also has taught me that you can be petrified, want your husband to be present, and still be strong. It has taught me to be broken, need your friends, and find your way out of despair. And it also has taught me that nothing can break me permanently. That I have the fortitude and people in my life to get me out of any dark whole.

Yet, I hope and pray that this is our cycle. So that this can be over. So that infertility can become only a part of me, instead of what feels like all of me.

I am grateful, that we have learned things this cycle, which renews my hope. That if this cycle doesn't work, we will have more knowledge for the next cycle. More of a clue to get over that chasm with a baby in our arms. To make it all worth it.

The ten minutes were over.