Roller-a-coasters

Back in the day, I would think of a roller-a-coaster and the only feelings and thoughts were positive - joy, fun, and entertaining. Now, when I think of roller-a-coasters all that comes into my mind is an emotional struggle that is infertility.

Especially since it is the only way I can explain my emotions on any given day. They are up, they are down, and (at a few lucky moments) they are stable.

On Tuesday, I went to see my therapist. It was day 2 of our last IUI cycle. And I felt nostalgic. Wondering if I was absolutely ready to quit without the ultimate prize. I was sad at the thought of not winning. Ultimately, I left wondering how I was going to talk to T about possibly trying an IVF cycle.

But as all roller-a-coasters do, I started to climb to the first massive drop. Ironically, back in the day, that was my favorite part, the drop. That part when your stomach reached your throat. But now I know that with infertility, at least so far, there is no going upwards after the drop. All there has been is a drop. (No pregnancy, and no baby to allow for a moment of success.)

As I sat yesterday on the ledge of the first drop, I realized Day 3 and the subsequent days are the reason I want to get off this crazy roller-a-coaster.

It is stressful, tearful, anxiety ridden, all consuming and definitely NOT fun.

Day 3 is the beginning of the nightmare of a cycle. It is the day I usually have some comfrontation with someone at the clinic.

This time it was over whether or not I can do my monitoring on day 8 instead of day 7. The first nurse said yes, the second nurse who called ignored the request, and the last nurse I spoke to allowed it. Then they denied my request for progesterone.

It is holding my breathe that the cycle will fit in with T's crazy ass schedule. And maneuvering mine completely and totally around. It is making sure that I am available at a moments notice for my IUIs. Because G-d knows when those will be.

It is ordering my drugs. Hoping that the stuff I have in the refrigerator is still good.

It is stress from every angel. I hate day threes. Hate them. They are why I want to stop cycling all together. They are the beginning of all my anxiety. The beginning of stress and anxiety that only grows expodentially after insemination.

It is the beginning of getting up an hour and half earlier, ultra sounds, self-injections, daily blood draws, schedule conflicts, stress that my body won't respond, that my body will respond too well, that something freakish will go wrong.

It is never fun. It is never carefree.

It is the beginning of feeling resentful torwards my Mother for not being the mother I need. Because when I cycle, I can't tell her. Afterall, all I hear is "Why are you doing that? Just quit." Instead I realize I get short with her for no reason. My anger is boiling because she won't provide me support. But she insists that I call her everyday so that she can talk at me. Because she is lonely.

It is the beginning of me creating a shell around myself. To get thru everything else that is going around me. To shield T. To avoid overwhelming my friends.

It is the beginning of all the things I dislike in my life right now. It is a reminder that my body doesn't work like other women's. It is being anxious, overwhelmed, frustrated, and fatigued.

I wonder if roller-a-coasters will ever be fun again.

Cysts

So, I went in for my ultrasound this morning. First thing I saw were two dark circles on an ovary. "What is that?" I asked. Super nice technician, "Cysts."

I've been worried all day that my last IUI would be postponed. Luckily, I worried for nothing. I start the G*nalf tonight. They upped my dosage again. Oh what fun? Also, since my luteal phase was shorter by two days this cycle, I'll be on progesterone. More fun.

Wondering if my "different" symptoms were caused by the cysts.

***

On another note, I am EXHAUSTED. We partied like rockstars this weekend. And had a great time. Between travel, little sleep, and emotional exertion of this cycle - I feel like I can sleep for a few days. Hoping to play catch up this week.

One more to go.

If you haven't guessed, no golden ticket. One more try. So defeated at the moment. Will be partaking in many an alcoholic beverage. Until next week.

Err...I think you misunderstood.

The feelings about being stagnate are how I feel in general about infertility. Not about this cycle. For some reason, hope is in the house for this cycle. Not full force hope. But hope that knocked politely, I let her in, and we are settling in with a nice cup of herbal tea. Enjoying eachother's company but not madly passionately in love.

With that said, I want to document how odd this cycle has been. When I was taking my G*nalf, I couldn't eat enough. And now, a few days after my IUIs, I am still bloated and SUPER tired. A little odd, since my bloating usually goes down after ovulation and my energy levels aren't usually effected until my period. And it slightly makes me giddy. When that giddiness becomes craziness, I remember that it is just my body playing games with my head. Much too early for anything to be happening. OBVIOUSLY.

And I would like to keep my feet grounded.

It is going to be a long 13 days. (My clinic only tests 15 DPI.)

There you are! Hello Hope.

Got off the phone with the nurse. E2 at 247 and four follicles. Yes, you read that right, 4!

For some reason that number makes me feel like it is our best shot. Absolutely best shot.

OH BOY, this 2ww is going to be a killer!

Is this funny? **UPDATED**

Have you seen those commercials were people call in to a line, tell them a scenario, and ask "Is this funny?"

Well my friends, I am asking you.

This morning I go in for blood and ultrasound. I have absolutely no idea what is going on with my body. There are definite follies, but no idea on how many or what not. Didn't ask actually for more information because I figured the information from three days ago would be completely out of date.

But, my left side feels full. To the point that when I did a yoga move last night, ouch?

And T is working 36 hours straight starting today. He will not be near the clinic or home in the next 36 hours. He packed a bag and went to work today. I haven't been able to do the trigger shot on myself. And how is he going to drop off his deposit if the IUI is tomorrow?

So, if I have to trigger tonight. I am in deep doodoo.

To complicate matters, I am very close to the end of my medication.

So today, after my ultrasound and blood work, I asked these two questions.

1. Is it possible to extend a trigger by one day?

and

2. Should I order more G*nalf?

I did warn the nurse that they are bi-polar questions.

Is this funny? Asked with a smirk and a shake of my head.

What makes this even funnier, my E2 is at 126 and have no measurable follies (I have a bunch all under 12mm.) Why do I worry?

What next?

Wednesday morning I had a nightmare. Basically, it was about a complication which occurred from our next IUI when a new nurse punctured my uterus with the catheter for insemination. Basically the puncture causes complications, besides uncontrollable bleeding, and I lose my uterus.

In it, I am in a hospital bed surrounded by T, my parents, T’s Aunt G, and my cousin L. My mother, speaking very loudly, is saying “I told her not to do those procedures and that she would only hurt herself. I don’t understand why.” I loose it and tell her “Get out.” And she leaves with my father.

I cry uncontrollable for the loss of my fertility, all over again, like it was a new wound. Although, I acknowledged in my dream that it was very much useless even before now. But, at least, there was always a chance. Granted not very large, but a chance just the same.

So my cousin proceeds to offer her uterus. Now, I know, how unselfish. Yet, I know, even in my dream, that it is only self serving offer. I immediately say no, that T and I decided not to use a surrogate. And in my minds eye, I look at my husband and I know that we haven’t even talked about it. But, it was simply not an option for me. To have her have that over me, something to dangle and taunt me. You couldn’t do this, so I had to do it for you. I am better and you’re bad. It would only further a competition that my mother started between the two of us, since I don’t measure up to her nieces.

So L says, “But, have you done enough?” And all I could do was cry hysterically and yell at her to “GET OUT.” G gets onto the bed and holds me, while T holds my hand.

I woke up crying. And thinking of what next?

See, I’ve changed my dreams before. But, I’ve never had to do it for other people. Lets face it, stopping will effect a slew of people; my husband, my parents, my sister, my mother-in-law – not just me.

But, it isn’t like I didn’t try. (Actually, the dream left me in such a state that I woke up and went to the computer where I have a file regarding my cycles and ovulations.) With this IUI, we will have had 12 ovulations, and 12 attempts. And with one more IUI, that will be 13 for total. Now, to me that is enough. Especially when you consider, that according to all of the doctors, all we needed to do was get me to ovulate. It makes me feel betrayed by the medical community. Betrayed by my body. Guilty. Because, I’ve ovulated 11 times thus far, and no baby.

Yet, I fear that once we stop, it will just be a new battle. I will have to answer for our decision. Because to someone, and maybe to even you, it won’t be enough – I could of done X. Which leaves me feeling like this will never be completely over. At least not until I hit menopause or die. Honestly, I am not looking forward to either event. The hot flashes on the Clomid were a b*tch.

Why is that every time that I think I am OK, something pops into my head that proves that I am not? At least not truly completely OK.

WTF?

No seriously. Either God has a sense of humor or I have a F*CKED up body. And today, I really don't know the answer, maybe it is both!

Get this. On Friday, I went to the RE to figure out what the hell is going on. Bloodwork inconclusive. Today, I went in for a follow-up. Bloodwork equals about ready to ovulate. From estrogen count, I would say about two eggs.

F*cked up part, no period since last cycle (you know the 8 follicle cancelled IUI) except for some minor spotting and no drugs.

What the F*CK?!?

***

To answer Carla and anyone else. No IUI because my insurance has only approved me for medicated IUIs. How about that for ironic? So taking advantage the old fashioned way. At least there seem to be more than one egg.

Also, about the spotting, it must have been my period. But, I've had worse paper cuts.

Hope is nil. Will continue to count down to my vacation. Will be doing everything they tell you not to. And if we get pregnant, I will be the first to tell EVERYONE - drink and say F*CK IT. It worked for me :). HAHAHA - IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY!

Try 8 follicles.

I want to cry. The nurse called to tell me that my E2 is 1466 and I have 8 follicles. Our choices were to cancel or go with IVF. I am not ready for IVF.

Cancelling is the only solution at this point. And, we will need to take the next cycle off, to let my ovaries heal themselves.

Why does this have to be so hard?

***

To answer Aurelia, I think it isn't an option. Considering coasting - from what I've read - requires putting the patient on a lower dosage. They put me on 37.5 yesterday, and my E2 still increased by 500. So, I don't think that is a possibility. Also, the follicles were all very close in size 3 at 17mm (the three that I saw), 3 at 14mm, and 2 at 13mm.

Day 7 - E2 at 975

All right my resident experts, should I be concerned? My E2 is 975, it is Day 7. I've been directed to bring down the Gonal-f to 37.5 and to come in tomorrow for blood and ultrasound.

Now, the reason I am a little concerned is because when I tried to figure out what that number means. I got this from INCIID:

What should E2 numbers ideally be during an injectables cycle?
You should see 150-200 per mature follicle. (Note: E2 tends to be somewhat lower on pure FSH cycles. You may use this as a guideline, but your physician will be your best guide in this case.) It ideally should be 100 or over after three days of LH-containing injectables. It ideally should be 100 or over after 4-5 days of injectable recombinant FSH. No chart can show ideal E2 levels since E2 varies per number and size of the follicles.

If I am doing my math correctly, that could mean 4.8 to 6 mature follicles. It could mean a whole bunch of immature follicles too and I won't know for sure until the ultrasound. But, either way it explains why my ovaries have been bugging me.

But, I am concerned that if they have too many mature follicles that they will cancel this IUI. I mean four is manageable and to be honest would be the ideal situation. Considering one of those little guys SHOULD get fertilized and maybe just maybe implant. But, SIX, I am not looking for a litter here. Two or three I would welcome in heart beat. But, SIX!

Did I tell you about the nightmare I had when I first started taking clomid. Well, keep in mind that I was also experiencing killer cramps at the time. Basically, I dreamed that I had sextuplets and all I kept on saying "But, I only took clomid." Now, I know that Gonal-f increases the chances of multiples etc. But, for twins and such. Not sextuplets.

Thoughts, experiences, etc. are greatly appreciated. Even if it is, breathe Dianne you will know more tomorrow. But I am all ready repeating that to myself :).

P.S. I also know that I am overreacting. To be honest, writing this has made me feel more in control. Freak out over. But, I would still really like to hear your personal experiences. Thank you!

**UPDATED**

Samantha asked a really good question. The E2 number of 975 was after four days of the G*nalf and I was on CD 7.

Also, did go in for the ultrasound this morning. Turns out that it looked like I have at least three mature follicles and a bunch of little ones. I will post more later once I get the news. But it does seem that the IUI will be happening this week.

Which leaves me pondering whether or not to do our 3rd IUI immediately after. Because we leave for our trip at the end of May. And presuming that if this cycle is over by the 15th, we could do the injectibles and have our 3rd IUI before our trip. But do I really want to be on a 2ww on vacation? And do I want to stress myself out with all of this timing. Considering the IUI would be presumable on the two days before we leave.

OK - praying that this is it and I no longer have to ponder so much. Yes, yes, yes I know that if this is it - then I will only be pondering other things. But those other things seem like green pastures at this point.

The Needle

I never knew that I would feel this way about injectibles. I never knew that a needle would feel so significant.

When I got my box of drugs on Thursday, I felt excited. Happy that they got here on time and I was able to start the G*nal-f. A new adventure to our maybe baby.

But when I finally got home and openned the box. I started pulling out all of the supplies. Syringes, gauze, the Gonal-f pen, the HCG shot, I started to feel petrified.

My T called at the exact moment of my utter freak out. He was able to talk me down. To comfort me, because he was going to do my first shot. The next words, but I won't be home on Friday night in time. Call your sister.

My immediate thought, call my sister? To give me a fertility drug? Tried to breathe, still feeling abject terror. So, I got off the phone with my T and called little sis. Trying to make this as non-chalant as possible. "Hey will you give me a shot?" My sister, "Sure." Fiance in the background, "WHAT? You are going to let her near you with a sharp instrument?" Me, "What choice do I have?"

Well, the thoughts going thru my head. I am a total coward. So many of the women on the boards or blogland are able to do it. And yes, I've always admired them for their ability to put their big girl pants on. So, that is what I need to do, when it becomes necessary.

My first shot on Thursday night, T was able to do it for me. It went off without a hitch. Except for when I started to giggle from being nervous. Giggling with a needle inside of you, is NOT a good idea. But, no bruise. T is good at this needle thing, PHEW, one down.

Friday night, I go to my parents. Yes, that is where I had to go for my sister to give me the shot. See she was visiting from a small island off the shore. (She didn't just fly in for this, thankfully she was coincidentally coming in.) I prep the G*nalf and she watches the video. She performs it without incident - except I started to giggle again. (Meanwhile my Mother and Father in the background, I can't believe all of this.)

Saturday night, T tells me that I should try to do it at least once. Just so that I know I can do it. His reasoning, that he was not going to be home on Tuesday night and didn't know if work would prevent him from being home on time.

We went out for Mexican, I indulged and had a margharita.

Came home. Prepped the needle and when T was in the bathroom. I put my big girl's pants and gave myself the shot. I put my fear a side and just did it. Then, once it was done. I wanted to cry.

Because, this is NOT how I thought us becoming parents would be. I did NOT think that we would have to do ALL of this. And it was VERY real at that moment. I am infertile, my body is defective, and this is NOT a sure shot that we will get pregnant. Even with all of our efforts.

It made me so sad. To think that it may never happen.

It also made me feel resentful to all the people who get easily pregnant and take it for granted; the pregnancy, the child(ren), being a parent. The whole entire thing that I so very much want.

And maybe with time, the pain will go away. I'm not sure if that will be a good thing or not.

Approved

Yes, it is a small miracle, but the insurance has approved the 3 injectible IUIs in two days. And I am in complete and total shock. We will not have to sit out this cycle. (Well, if the online pharmacy calls me today, and I am able to get my drugs by tomorrow.)

I hate all this precise timing - no room for error. It makes me nervous.

Also, have any of you been on G*nal-f? If so, what are the pleasant (said with irony) side effects of the drug?

Hi Aunt Flo

Spotting this morning. Oh well. Hoping that the insurance approval is in before she comes for real, so that we don't need to wait two whole cycles to do IUI #2 with G*nal-f.

Mental Notes:
Nausea is possible without a pregnancy during the Luteal Phase. (Clomid/HCG - DPI9)
Luteal Phase is longer with the HCG shot - approximately 17 days.
Infertility SUCKS.

No word!

No word from prespective buyer of our condo.
No word from Aunt Flo - not even a knocking.
No word from maybe baby - 4 negative pregnancy tests as of today.

About the condo, I am not so concerned. He called my sister's friend, told him that he was very interested, and just trying to figuring out money and how to get his money back from a offer he had made. Since this was on Saturday, I am assuming, he may not have been able to get his cash over the weekend which is causing the delay. Either way, I am calling him tonight. Unfortunatelly, today is a holiday here in Massachusetts - Marathon Monday.

About Aunt Flo and Maybe Baby: It is cd30 or dpi16. And on a medicated cycle, my luteal phase is consistently 14 days. However, this is my first time that I used a trigger shot and in my hormonally imbalanced body, that alone may cause for a longer luteal phase and a pointless nausea.

So, it leaves me simply wanting to know. I've called the REs office and asked for a blood test. And if the HCG does cause my Aunt Flo to be late. Well, it could be a very good thing if my insurance approves the next step before she comes.

So, either way, I am praying for good things :). But when am I not?

If you first don't succeed, try, try, again

Took the test, and it was most definitely negative. One of two things could be happening: 1. It was to early to test and there might be a good reason that the RE doesn't test before DPI 17. or 2. This IUI was a bust.

But either way, I am still nauseous. (Really I have been pondering where or not this is in my head. But, I don't think it would wake me up out of a solid sleep, if it were in my head. But who knows.)

And no signs of my period. So time will tell. Again, I am being taught patience.

So stay tuned, I will be peeing on sticks until Tuesday :). And if it is negative, well we still have a few more tricks up our sleeves don't we?

Can't sleep.

Too anxious with anticipation.

Tomorrow I can test and still no real signs of Aunt Flo. I am full on optimisitic and hopeful Dianne. Very dangerous. It is DPI 13.

I am also excited because a friend of a friend of my sister's may have helped us out tremendously with selling our condo. Turns out this kid (young twenty-something) is looking for a two bedroom in our town. Literally, got the call about his interest yesterday, and he came over not ten minutes later! He seemed very interested and we are very keen on selling the condo especially without a realtor! Lets say this together, WOW! Praying it works out.

***

It is almost 6:00 am, my poor boy kiddy is constipated. And per the internet, I should try half a can of wet food. Lets hope that fixes my poor Sam. He is my sweety. (Everything can't be perfect!) LOL!

Anyone else feel this way? *UPDATED*

So, it is dpi 10, for the last day and half, I've been feeling nauseous. And the only reason I can come up with - NOT READY TO ENTERTAIN OTHER REASON. NOT TO MENTION THAT IT WOULD BE MUCH TOO EARLY TO GET MORNING SICKNESS. - is the HCG shot.

Has anyone else gotten nauseous with the HCG shot around dpi 9? (But, did not feel any nausea before.)

Also, does anyone know if you can take a home pregnancy test, if you took an HCG shot? I've read in a couple of places that you can, if you wait until 14 days after the shot. I just want to prevent a false negative :(. Any personal experience out there.

***

Thanks Aurelia. I took your advice and I took a HPT this morning. It was negative. So the HCG is definitely out of my system. And I don't expect to test again until Saturday - especially I am still nauseous. Honestly, if I didn't have this struggle of drugs versus pregnancy in my mind. I wouldn't be that bad. Because afterall, if you don't mind, it don't matter. :), I crack myself up!

Cautious Optimism

The last few days, I've been struggling. Trying to figure out how I feel. I don't feel exceptionally hopeful. I have hope - but it isn't overwhelming. It is being kept in check with doubt.

(The last few nights have been plagued with dreams of my period showing up at any moment. Nice thought, huh?)

It is weird place to be. Which leaves me wondering is this cautious optimism? It feels like ambivalence. Because I do care what happens, I want to believe that this is our cycle. To be truthful, I think we at least have learned somethings and this is giving me comfort in general. And it is a weird feeling. Because, I think, I will be OK with either answer this cycle. This bothers me, since I feel as if I should have more hope. More of an inclination about this cycle. More faith that it worked. It is just an odd place to be.

But, when you think that we had great sperm counts - over 50 million - between the two IUIs and at least one good egg. The odds have to be in our favor, right? At Infertility Blog, the Doc is ironically talking about IUIs. This is what he had to say. Basically, that as long as there are 13 million you are in good shape. And I think to myself what if you have almost 4 times that number. Does that mean we have more of a chance?

So I am stuck. I want to hope, to believe, to be faithful that it happened for us this cycle. I'm not Irish and I am not lucky. And back of my mind, the statistics that at best IUIs give you a 20% shot hover in my head. I feel grounded when I think I should be in the clouds. I think this is a good thing.

However, I am worried that the mysticism of our egg and sperm meeting, and creating life, requires me to believe. Like Tinkerbell, you have to believe in fairies for them to live. I wonder if I am doomed because my belief is so much weaker since coming to terms with my infertility. I have become a realist, to a fault. And I simply do not have the belief we WILL become parents. I have the belief that we WILL be OK, with or without a child. It will just be a different dream than what we original thought for ourselves. But, that we need to try to give our maybe baby an opportunity.

Leaving me with the thought that maybe I should borrow my mother's rose colored glasses, wish on several shooting stars, make a wish on a wishbone, and believe that this is our cycle.

The song on the radio after IUI.

Gravity by J.o.h.n. M.a.y.e.r

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away
Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much aint twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees

(repeat)

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
Oh gravity has taken better men than me you see now how can that be?
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Keep you me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Ohh… where the light is!

April Fool and Christmas Eve

Today I had my first IUI. Per the nurse, there is one good follie and sperm count was gorgeous. I will be going back in tomorrow for the second IUI.

And the only foolish thing that I will allow myself to do this cycle is the conception calendar. More out of pure curiousity. Result is December 23/24th. Christmas. Wouldn't that be a hoot? For on April Fool's Day I got inseminated with a possible Christmas baby! For some reason that is funny to me.

I feel releaved that the shot wasn't as bad as I anticipated. I do admit, I was petrified of it. And T had to do it. I just wasn't prepared for the utter fear I had to that needle. Maybe it wasn't that I hadn't had weeks of preparation - Maybe it was because it wasn't in my original protocol - Maybe it is that I have a fear of needles. But what ever it was, I had no idea that I would be that scared.

Also, unfortunately, T had to work today and he has a meeting tomorrow that he can't get out of. So that left me going in alone today with a repeat solo performance tomorrow. So I am thankful for the nurse today. She was heavenly sent. One of the warmest people I've met at the office. She sat in with me for a while, answered all of my questions, and helped make me relax. So all together, it wasn't a bad experience. But it did sting more than I thought it would - both physically and mentally.

Because, as I laid there, I realized that we infertiles are so invested in our maybe babies from the beginning. We know so much. We've all ready been into the doctor's office for four days for blood draws and empty womb shots, we know the exact number of follies and sperm count, all before the actual insemination. We know so much, except if we will actually get pregnant or if we will actually get that baby home. No wonder it hurts when the cycles don't work, when the pregnancies fail. By the time we get a negative, we are emotionally invested, never mind after we get a positive.

We know what we want, why we are there, and how rewarding or disappointing it will be. Yet, we still do it. And I realize that G-d must give infertiles some extra strength, some extra courage, some extra fortitude. Because this thing called infertility isn't for the weak hearted, it isn't for the easily discouraged, and it isn't for the unfaithful.

But, it also has taught me that you can be petrified, want your husband to be present, and still be strong. It has taught me to be broken, need your friends, and find your way out of despair. And it also has taught me that nothing can break me permanently. That I have the fortitude and people in my life to get me out of any dark whole.

Yet, I hope and pray that this is our cycle. So that this can be over. So that infertility can become only a part of me, instead of what feels like all of me.

I am grateful, that we have learned things this cycle, which renews my hope. That if this cycle doesn't work, we will have more knowledge for the next cycle. More of a clue to get over that chasm with a baby in our arms. To make it all worth it.

The ten minutes were over.