Thursday, July 05, 2007

What next?

Wednesday morning I had a nightmare. Basically, it was about a complication which occurred from our next IUI when a new nurse punctured my uterus with the catheter for insemination. Basically the puncture causes complications, besides uncontrollable bleeding, and I lose my uterus.

In it, I am in a hospital bed surrounded by T, my parents, T’s Aunt G, and my cousin L. My mother, speaking very loudly, is saying “I told her not to do those procedures and that she would only hurt herself. I don’t understand why.” I loose it and tell her “Get out.” And she leaves with my father.

I cry uncontrollable for the loss of my fertility, all over again, like it was a new wound. Although, I acknowledged in my dream that it was very much useless even before now. But, at least, there was always a chance. Granted not very large, but a chance just the same.

So my cousin proceeds to offer her uterus. Now, I know, how unselfish. Yet, I know, even in my dream, that it is only self serving offer. I immediately say no, that T and I decided not to use a surrogate. And in my minds eye, I look at my husband and I know that we haven’t even talked about it. But, it was simply not an option for me. To have her have that over me, something to dangle and taunt me. You couldn’t do this, so I had to do it for you. I am better and you’re bad. It would only further a competition that my mother started between the two of us, since I don’t measure up to her nieces.

So L says, “But, have you done enough?” And all I could do was cry hysterically and yell at her to “GET OUT.” G gets onto the bed and holds me, while T holds my hand.

I woke up crying. And thinking of what next?

See, I’ve changed my dreams before. But, I’ve never had to do it for other people. Lets face it, stopping will effect a slew of people; my husband, my parents, my sister, my mother-in-law – not just me.

But, it isn’t like I didn’t try. (Actually, the dream left me in such a state that I woke up and went to the computer where I have a file regarding my cycles and ovulations.) With this IUI, we will have had 12 ovulations, and 12 attempts. And with one more IUI, that will be 13 for total. Now, to me that is enough. Especially when you consider, that according to all of the doctors, all we needed to do was get me to ovulate. It makes me feel betrayed by the medical community. Betrayed by my body. Guilty. Because, I’ve ovulated 11 times thus far, and no baby.

Yet, I fear that once we stop, it will just be a new battle. I will have to answer for our decision. Because to someone, and maybe to even you, it won’t be enough – I could of done X. Which leaves me feeling like this will never be completely over. At least not until I hit menopause or die. Honestly, I am not looking forward to either event. The hot flashes on the Clomid were a b*tch.

Why is that every time that I think I am OK, something pops into my head that proves that I am not? At least not truly completely OK.

9 comments:

Sticky Bun said...

I'm so sorry--that sounds like an incredibly upsetting dream.

And, you're so right--if you choose to stop, I imagine it will feel like you have to answer for that decision. The same thing that makes people ask "when will you have kids?" will make them think it's okay to question why you decided not to.

I hope that, whatever you decide, it brings you peace. It sounds like right now either path--moving forward with treatment or stopping--will bring questions from someone. All I can say is, try and quiet the voices as much as possible. As long as you and T are comfortable with your decision, it's the right decision for you. Nobody else can know what's best for your family.

Hang in there. It sounds like you're wrestling with a lot right now. Sending you a big hug...

Glitter said...

{{{hugs}}}

That sounds like a very bad dream : (

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm sending you a huge hug because after that dream you need it! I know you are going through a tough time and there isn't some magical right answer. I know eventually the right answer will come. You are an incredible woman and I do know you have a lot on your mind now. I'm thinking of you!

Ellen K. said...

What a shitty dream. I'm really sorry.

I have found that I feel obligated in that way, and it's hard. I never realized how many of our friends felt personally invested in our efforts to conceive. Have you read the book "Unsung Lullabies"? I was just rereading it today and found the chapter on stopping treatment to be very comforting and true to my own experience (much more so than the similar chapter in "Conquering Infertility").

Thinking of you, Dianne!

Samantha said...

I'm sorry you had such a terrible. I think you are probably correct in that others will question your decision, but they would question your decision no matter what. After going through so much with no result, people would question why you won't do more. But what matters is that you are true to yourself and do what's best for you and T.

shazz said...

How nasty!! Sending hugs and sending away bad dreams.
xx

PCOSMama said...

Seems there's no way around the questions with infertility. Why are you waiting so long to have kids? Don't you want so-an-so to have a sibling? Why would you use ART? Why didn't you do more ART? Unfortunately people just don't think about how this is all none of their business.

You do what is best for you and your husband. And if anyone questions your decisions, all you should have to say is that it was a very difficult decision and you prefer not to talk about it.

Good luck! Hopefully you won't need to worry much longer!

Kristi said...

I've had many, many of these types of dreams concerning my fertility.

Just know that the power for it to be "over" is completely in yours hands, even though it seems like very little in the IF treatment world seems like it is.

And remember that everyone has an opinion about what you "should do." It's your body. It's your decision. And everyone else can simply butt out. Of course, this is easier said than done.

I truly hope things get easier for you soon.

Heather said...

This really spoke to me. I was thinking today about what the ramifications would be if we quit trying and lived without children.

There will always be those people (with an army of children in tow) who will question why you don't have kids? As if you were too good to have kids...when that isn't the case at all. It will cut like a knife each time - for the rest of my life.

Which is harder to endure: more treatments or the comments? I'm not sure.