Friday, July 27, 2007

A Golden Ticket

Like Charlie, I am given only a few chances to find my Golden Ticket. Actually, in two years and 10 months, I have been given 24 chances. Yes, my luck is horrible compared to Charlie’s. But that is also why I am not a gambler.

So, for the last two years and 10 months, I have been searching, yearning, coveting, my golden ticket, a baby. After all the doctors pretty much told me that my problem is ovulation. And I’ve ovulated at least 13 times that I know of, therefore it is safe to assume their might be more going on. But, after two years and 10 months, I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically spent. Enough is enough.

This cycle, I let hope in. And again she is reminding me that she is stronger and meaner than I. My hope was coxed after I exhibited “different” symptoms, well isn’t that always the way? Now, AF is knocking on my door since yesterday. Knowing too much, I know that it could be a good sign, because it started DPI 10/11 – could it be implantation bleeding? My luteal phase has never been shorter than CD 14 (I checked my records. And I've only "spotted" once before, and that well was followed by my worst period ever.). If anyone else would be presenting me with these facts, I would say don’t throw in the towel yet, not until the fat lady sings. But, I feel defeated - which leaves me to something that has been on my mind.

See this is our second to last IUI, only one more. I am sure that cycle will start in just a few days, and will end much in the same way as the previous 24 in August. After that, T and I will go into the new world of living child free. I will be back on the pill, and I will stop my prenatal. You get the point, we will be closing up shop.

And I still won’t have a Golden Ticket; nothing good to show for all of my efforts. I want to mark it. Part of me wants people to see it. To know what it means. So that I no longer have to be silent to the outside world about my infertility struggles. I want people to know that I am not selfish, that I yearned to be a mother more than I can actually say; that I have spilled and still do spill many a tear over my husband and my predicament. We were just unlucky. Him even more than I, since he married me and into this predicament.

I feel like I will need to continuously need to validate our reasoning. Because we have stopped doesn’t mean we didn’t want it bad enough, it means that we had enough. And bite my lip, instead of asking how long they would do something that they obviously were not going to be successful at. How long they would keep trying, when all they saw were negatives for 24 cycles, 7 medicated, 3 procedures – when the only thing wrong with them was “fixed.” If they would keep going on an endless rollercoaster that only made them more broken.

My secret is that I am jealous of people who have had a positive pregnancy test. Even of the ones who have lost their babies soon after. To me, they had the Golden Ticket and more validation to grieve. They are the war veterans with an outward wound. I have been grieving for something I never had. In many people’s eyes, not yours, I don’t have a right. I don’t want to have to justify being sad over this. I just need to get over it. To do just that I need to acknowledge, and grieve the situation. Mind me I know that I will have more than a scare or two, on my soul and heart.

So, do you have any ideas of how I can commemorate the last three years (I’m rounding up.)? Because August is coming. This will no longer be an infertility blog, instead it will be a woman coping getting off this rollercoaster and going into the unknown of a conciliation life. Who doesn’t want to forget where she came from, but needs to move on.


Sunny said...

I really hope you get your golden ticket this cycle. But I completely understand your thinking. It is so sad to get to the end of the road. I am afraid I will be there soon.

Joei said...

I, too am hoping you get a golden ticket. I wish I knew the right thing to say to you... I am offering you endless support. Tell us through your blog what you need (or email me directly!! Anything you want, you got it.
I'll be checking back tomorrow morning. I haven't given up hope for you yet, friend!

jenna sais quoi said...

Hi...found you through the HP group!

I am also keeping my fingers crossed for you and your Golden Ticket. I think the Golden Ticket analogy is very apt- of course,it may have something to do with the fact that the mere suggestion of chocolate makes me drool. Thanks hormones!

Like you, I have never had a positive test, and like you, have been trying for a couple of years. So this really struck a chord with me.

Sending virtual hugs your way...


Anonymous said...

I think there is more than one way to get a Golden Ticket. "The golden twinkle in my eye" came back, for the most part, when I made some big changes in my life.

I'm really sorry about this cycle, though. I'll be thinking of you today.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

"Getting over it" is a crock.

Remember that childhood game, Going on a Lion Hunt?"

You come to a part where there's a swamp.

"Can't go 'round it."

"Can't go under it."

"Can't get over it."

"Gotta go through it."

Hope you get the Golden Ticket. But if you get just a chocolate bar, savor it, set aside some time to grieve, and let the grief have its way with you for awhile. You'll be sad. You'll be devastated. You'll think you might not survive.

And all that will pass, especially if you offer little resistance.

This is the best way -- at least for me -- to get through it.

And this advice is worth exactly what you paid for it. :-).

I lived to tell.

Kir said...

Oh my heart is just breaking for your' really is. I know that place you are in, it was the place I was last fall, still trying IUI's and knowing that we should just move to IVF and what if that didn't work???? To explain it out to others felt like it would kill me and even to explain it to myself was going to be too horrible to imagine. I feel for you Flutter, I do.

I'll be praying that the next cycle is the one that brings you the Golden Ticket. I really want that for you, if for no other reason, but to give you your Hope back.


PCOSMama said...

That darned elusive Golden Ticket! I wish I could make it happen for you!

I wish I knew why God, nature, whoever, plays these cruel games. I will never understand how those who so obviously don't want and/or don't deserve children can have them easily and others struggle so hard hoping and praying for a miracle yet never receive it. I don't know how you can commemorate it... maybe this is an odd thought, but you could get a birthstone necklace or something for the month you stop trying - it will be a sad reminder of what you have given up, but it could represent not only the child you longed to have, but also the 'birth' of a new phase in your life. I don't know, just the first idea that popped into my head!

Hopefully you won't need to worry about it. I'll be praying you get that golden ticket this month!

Pamela T. said...

I found you through your response on Mel's latest Lushery post. I hope your visit to my blog didn't make you feel defeated. Regardless of the outcome of your next cycle (and I hope it's a winner -- the golden ticket is a wonderful analogy), I want you to know that there is a life after treatment and that my blog is a place for me to vent or mull over my thoughts when I'm having a more difficult day than another. I do have good days and am working hard to see that there are many ways to live a good life -- even one without children. Wishing you all the best and will add you to my blogroll to see how things develop for you