Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Stagnate

So, I went to my therapist a week ago. She kept on asking me "How are you?" She asked me about three times. And the first few times, I gave her my knee jerk reaction response "I'm fine." But, she wasn't happy with that response, and finally I came up with it. "I feel stagnate."

Everyone else's life is moving forward, while mine remains. My friends all get pregnant easily and have beautiful children within a year. While I have been trying just to get pregnant for almost 3 years.

Everyone else has put their place on the market and had it sold with in several weeks. Our place has been on the market for a month. Eight people have come to see it, but no offers. (I know it is the different market. Blah blah blah.)

Everyone else <> gets what they want. While, I sit here twiddling my fingers waiting for life to happen. And I'm very sick of it.

As I held my friend S's new beautiful baby on Sunday, I yearned for my turn. Ached. When T asked me what was wrong, I said "Nothing." Because it isn't anything new. That ach has been there for a long time. But, now it is different. As we get closer to the end of our treatments (only one more to go - if you little eggies don't listen) it is more of never going to happen, instead of it being I hope it happens soon.

And I feel like I am going to only remain more stagnate. My friends and family will continue to have babies. We will eventually sell our condo and get into a new home. We will eventually get our dog. But eventually those things will also become stagnate too. No other life events will occur. At least not the good ones. We will get older, lose jobs, probably find new ones (hopefully this will be good), lose people, etc. But nothing new will come into our lives. No beautiful bundles of joys, that will be for others to enjoy and for us to admire from outside. We will remain in S - L - O - W motion while everyone else runs at normal pace.

Sadly, I'm not only feeling left behind by my real life friends, I'm feeling left behind by my board and blogland buddies. People are making circles around me, while I stand still.

At this point, I am desperate for some kind of change. Something that will allow us to grow. Because that is the worst part for me right now. Staying put. For the maybe, for the what may be.

11 comments:

Jenny said...

I read your blog ofen but never comment. There are so many wonderful events to look forward to if you do not have children...

What about fun vacations-- you should get a passport (if you don't already have one) and fill it up with all kinds of exotic, fun places-- I am always envious of people who have traveled the world.

Or maybe get a new car- a convertable, or a BMW, or something totally irresponsible, frivilous, and fun.

You will get your house soon- build a cool backyard with a pool, hot tub, cabana, bar, etc.

Glitter said...

Believe it or not, I feel what you feel...but from a different side. I'm single, I rent my apt and have not much but paper and stuff to my name. No house, no husband, no wedding to plan.

My friends are all married, buying houses, doing things they should be. And here I am. I want what they have and they want what I have.

Doesn't it suck?

Adrienne said...

There has been alot of good news in the blogosphere lately, and I'm sure that's contributing to where you feel you are right now. But it's not all roses for everyone.

You're not stagnating, but you're not moving forward either - I know that sounds contradictory, but you are DOING something. You're not sitting back and waiting for something to happen, you're doing something about it. And you'll continue to do that until you have what you want - a family.

Sending you some strength to get through this rough patch.

Sticky Bun said...

Dianne, this is a great post. The way you described what it feels like to watch others move forward--to watch them have children, to watch their children celebrate birthdays, etc. It's so hard not to feel left behind.

I really do hope that you're among the bloggers who gets some unexpected good news. And no matter what, I wish you lots of peace, love, and joy throughout your very full life.

Thinking of you...

Kristen said...

I can totally understand how you feel. I have been TTC for almost 2 years now and have had 2 losses. I feel like everyone else moves forward and yet I remain still. Like I'm stuck in some time warp or something. No one realizes that we suffer from a silent disease (IF).

I'm sorry that Hope is lost for you right now and things seem bleak. But I will be hoping that it is your turn next. I also wish you peace and happiness in whatever you choose to do.

XOXO,
Kristen

LJ said...

I know exactly how you feel...I was speaking about this very same topic with my therapist yesterday, and am going to write about it tomorrow or friday...

Piccinigirl said...

this is an incredible post and it puts into words exactly how I felt for SO long. You know now that I am P--- I still feel that way most days. It's just too much to take in, to be hopeful about when you know what the chances of it turning to Sh*t is. So even in my nausea filled days, I still feel stagnate too. Like if I make any sudden moves something incredible is going to be yanked away.

yet, I know that to you looking out at me it doesn't seem that way. So I am just saying that I know how you feel and in blogland or not , I am not leaving you.

I have complete faith that you will get the miracle too, I do. Things don't always stand still, life doesn't and and as one of my favorite quotes says : "we are unaware of what sweet miracles may come" .

Just keep going, and I'll keep praying. I promise

*hug*

Reproductive Jeans said...

Standing still is very difficult--I just hope and pray that you feel comforted by the things that are present in your life--I can only say I know how you feel,and I am thinking of you!!

Ellen K. said...

Believe me, I can relate. In fact I was just going to post about this -- but didn't because some of my RL friends are TTC or TTC again and read my blog. Some are TTC with RE assistance. I've whined and moaned to them, but now I'm too tired to support them. I am just so freaking tired of the subject.

I was looking through the book "Unsung Lullabies" recently and it talks about what you've described here -- it's like a secondary identity crisis, this feeling of being left behind yet again. It's nice to know that this is normal, but it's a really rotten feeling.

Hang in there, Dianne.

Kristin said...

Dianne,

I wish I could give you a big hug. I completely understand the feeling that life is passing you by while everyone else is busy really LIVING. I've been there too.

And I also know exactly what you mean about being left behind by your board and blogland buddies. I felt precisely the same way last winter and this spring. Our board has gotten to the point where a large majority of posters either already have a baby or are currently pg. Now some ladies are working on baby #2. I still value our board greatly and love you all as my cyber sisters...but as our demographics shift, we just don't serve our original purpose quite as well -- and I have no idea how to fix that.

All I can do is tell you that I have everything crossed for you -- for this IUI cycle, for the sale of your condo and for many, many happy times to come.

Jenn said...

Dianne,
I wish there was something I could do to help you feel as if you were moving along. I cannot tell you how much I admire how articulate and candid you are about your infertility experience. Even though you feel left behind by fellow bloggers and board members I want you to know that I follow your every move through this journey. You may not be holding a baby in your arms but you are never far from me.

Love Jenn