Sunday, April 22, 2007

The Needle

I never knew that I would feel this way about injectibles. I never knew that a needle would feel so significant.

When I got my box of drugs on Thursday, I felt excited. Happy that they got here on time and I was able to start the G*nal-f. A new adventure to our maybe baby.

But when I finally got home and openned the box. I started pulling out all of the supplies. Syringes, gauze, the Gonal-f pen, the HCG shot, I started to feel petrified.

My T called at the exact moment of my utter freak out. He was able to talk me down. To comfort me, because he was going to do my first shot. The next words, but I won't be home on Friday night in time. Call your sister.

My immediate thought, call my sister? To give me a fertility drug? Tried to breathe, still feeling abject terror. So, I got off the phone with my T and called little sis. Trying to make this as non-chalant as possible. "Hey will you give me a shot?" My sister, "Sure." Fiance in the background, "WHAT? You are going to let her near you with a sharp instrument?" Me, "What choice do I have?"

Well, the thoughts going thru my head. I am a total coward. So many of the women on the boards or blogland are able to do it. And yes, I've always admired them for their ability to put their big girl pants on. So, that is what I need to do, when it becomes necessary.

My first shot on Thursday night, T was able to do it for me. It went off without a hitch. Except for when I started to giggle from being nervous. Giggling with a needle inside of you, is NOT a good idea. But, no bruise. T is good at this needle thing, PHEW, one down.

Friday night, I go to my parents. Yes, that is where I had to go for my sister to give me the shot. See she was visiting from a small island off the shore. (She didn't just fly in for this, thankfully she was coincidentally coming in.) I prep the G*nalf and she watches the video. She performs it without incident - except I started to giggle again. (Meanwhile my Mother and Father in the background, I can't believe all of this.)

Saturday night, T tells me that I should try to do it at least once. Just so that I know I can do it. His reasoning, that he was not going to be home on Tuesday night and didn't know if work would prevent him from being home on time.

We went out for Mexican, I indulged and had a margharita.

Came home. Prepped the needle and when T was in the bathroom. I put my big girl's pants and gave myself the shot. I put my fear a side and just did it. Then, once it was done. I wanted to cry.

Because, this is NOT how I thought us becoming parents would be. I did NOT think that we would have to do ALL of this. And it was VERY real at that moment. I am infertile, my body is defective, and this is NOT a sure shot that we will get pregnant. Even with all of our efforts.

It made me so sad. To think that it may never happen.

It also made me feel resentful to all the people who get easily pregnant and take it for granted; the pregnancy, the child(ren), being a parent. The whole entire thing that I so very much want.

And maybe with time, the pain will go away. I'm not sure if that will be a good thing or not.

9 comments:

dmarie said...

In addition to everything else you're feeling--you should feel very brave. I'm sure you think you're doing what you have to in order to have a child, but IVF is a huge step. Your post today gives me hope that if the time comes for me, I may be able to find the courage you have found.

Kristin said...

I knew you could do it! It is scary and it is sort of depressing at times...but it's also empowering. Look at these shots as preparation for parenthood: you're forcing yourself to do something that was previously outside your comfort zone and to sacrifice your personal comfort for the greater good -- things all good mothers have to learn at some point.

Fingers crossed for this cycle!

Adrienne said...

You did it yourself! Awesome!

But I'm sorry that it made you cry. None of this is easy. And it's not fair. I wish I could change that for you - and for all of us.

Reproductive Jeans said...

I can imagine how overwhelming it all feels...I hope I have NEAR the courage you do when I get to the point of needles...glad you were able to give yourself the shot though--major kudos!

Samantha said...

The injections totally suck and don't feel bad at all about how you feel. If it makes you feel any better, it really does get a little easier. I remember my first cycle of injectibles completely freaking out about the injection for hours before I gave it. I muttered to myself my whole drive home from work. I got through one day and then immediately looked ahead with dread to the next day, where I had to screw my courage up again! I won't say that it's ever gotten routine, but I will say that eventually gotten more comfortable with the process. It will be okay, sweetie, you'll get through.

And I also agree with you that it makes me feel sad and resentful that we have to do this to get pregnant.

TeamWinks said...

I'm so proud of you! Job well done on the shot! I'm not so sure I could do it, but you did it. You really and truly pulled it off. That's something to be proud of. Yes, this isn't how any of us imagine this going, but this our new reality. This is our new normal.

You aren't alone in your emotions or journey. We, as an infertile coummunity, are holding and squeezing your hand. We hope you feel it dear!

PCOSMama said...

I'm so sorry you have to do this and proud that you did it yourself! I know it is so hard to psych yourself up to stick a needle in your own stomach (assuming that's your location too). I'm a firm believer that if you can get someone else to just jab the needle in then it's much easier.
Hope this works!

Piccinigirl said...

I concur, BRAVE is the first word I thought of when I read this.
No it's not the way any of thought we'd have a dream like a child come true, but look at you, a vetern of Shots by now. :)

Wishing you all kinds of Luck with this cycle. As I start my own in a few weeks, I will remember how strong you were. :)

Ann said...

I liken sticking yourself with a needle with jumping out of a plane (even with a parachute). I don't plan on jumping out of a plane anytime soon. Unless someone pushes me.