The last few days, I've been struggling. Trying to figure out how I feel. I don't feel exceptionally hopeful. I have hope - but it isn't overwhelming. It is being kept in check with doubt.
(The last few nights have been plagued with dreams of my period showing up at any moment. Nice thought, huh?)
It is weird place to be. Which leaves me wondering is this cautious optimism? It feels like ambivalence. Because I do care what happens, I want to believe that this is our cycle. To be truthful, I think we at least have learned somethings and this is giving me comfort in general. And it is a weird feeling. Because, I think, I will be OK with either answer this cycle. This bothers me, since I feel as if I should have more hope. More of an inclination about this cycle. More faith that it worked. It is just an odd place to be.
But, when you think that we had great sperm counts - over 50 million - between the two IUIs and at least one good egg. The odds have to be in our favor, right? At Infertility Blog, the Doc is ironically talking about IUIs. This is what he had to say. Basically, that as long as there are 13 million you are in good shape. And I think to myself what if you have almost 4 times that number. Does that mean we have more of a chance?
So I am stuck. I want to hope, to believe, to be faithful that it happened for us this cycle. I'm not Irish and I am not lucky. And back of my mind, the statistics that at best IUIs give you a 20% shot hover in my head. I feel grounded when I think I should be in the clouds. I think this is a good thing.
However, I am worried that the mysticism of our egg and sperm meeting, and creating life, requires me to believe. Like Tinkerbell, you have to believe in fairies for them to live. I wonder if I am doomed because my belief is so much weaker since coming to terms with my infertility. I have become a realist, to a fault. And I simply do not have the belief we WILL become parents. I have the belief that we WILL be OK, with or without a child. It will just be a different dream than what we original thought for ourselves. But, that we need to try to give our maybe baby an opportunity.
Leaving me with the thought that maybe I should borrow my mother's rose colored glasses, wish on several shooting stars, make a wish on a wishbone, and believe that this is our cycle.