but the one thing that seems to come out is my latest bought of infertility sadness.
Really, my blog represents me. And I've been to preoccupied to notice any infertility sadness for months. My feelings of happiness, well being, and contentment have been far out waying anything that is remotely sadness. Ironically, I thought I was ready to write about my depression of earlier in the year. How I got a speaking to by T, and somehow have been getting out of that funk.
But, just when I feel like I am doing better. I get whacked.
Four pregnancy and one birth announcements all at once. I guess the blows just get harder and harder. And the feeling of being left behind arises all over again.
Crap.
Just when I feel like I am getting over this bullshit, the evil forces of the world come to play.
Can't people just get pregnant and have children in the privacy of their own home and leave me out of it?
Err.
So frustrated.
Because if I were to get pregnant now, I would be angry. Rage would find a new meaning. But, it is still the one thing that I would love to experience. And that is the saddest truth of my life.
Good thing no one is in the office, since I am crying now. The tears are only several weeks late.
Showing posts with label maybe baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label maybe baby. Show all posts
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Doing just fine.
The previous post, a remembrance of sad times, but surprisingly I am doing just fine. No tears feel on that day or any days since. I spoke to my Aunt, B's mom, and I admit I swallowed some tears and there were moments of silence from me. But, I wasn't overcome with tears like in the past.
Maybe it is a sign that the sadness, when it is all mine (not drug induced), is a part of my heart, mind, soul, but a manageable part.
My happiness is far larger than my sadnesses. And I am grateful.
Maybe it is a sign that the sadness, when it is all mine (not drug induced), is a part of my heart, mind, soul, but a manageable part.
My happiness is far larger than my sadnesses. And I am grateful.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Double Meaning
Last year, on this day, a double meaning sprang to this mournful day. It was the first anniversary of my cousin's death. It was the end of our pursuit of a child.
As I sat in a memorial mass for B, I cried. And it was as much for missing him, as it was for missing my unborn child(ren).
Today, I will remember them both again while I play the song that reminds me of B.
**At least my emotions today will be my own and not even slightly drug induced.**
As I sat in a memorial mass for B, I cried. And it was as much for missing him, as it was for missing my unborn child(ren).
Today, I will remember them both again while I play the song that reminds me of B.
**At least my emotions today will be my own and not even slightly drug induced.**
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Why not?
So, willing and ignoring myself pregnant hasn't worked. How about bribery? Here goes.
Dear eggs,
This is your Mom (the woman who's body you are in). I understand that there hasn't been any past success of creating life in this body. But, I am asking you to please consider. Be adventurers, trail blazers. See life here would be good for any baby(ies). Let me tell you a little about it.
Your Dad (the sperm's owner) is really great with kids. He loves to play, see he is a bit of a kid himself. So you would get toys. Lots and lots of toys. And all types. See, because your Dad will get you fun stuff and I'll be getting you books and more intellectual games. If you are a girl, you will have your own kitchen set. Maybe if your are a boy too. :).
Your Aunts and Uncles. Well they have been waiting a long time for you. Your Aunt M, well she will dress you to the nines. Brand names, you got it. (I'm more of the type that you will be dress very cutely, but it won't be brand names, at least not all of the time. I want you to be able to play in the dirt. Sounds life fun?) Your Aunt G, she will be overly excited as well. Hmm, so will your Uncle M and L.
Which leads me to your big cousins. They probably won't know what to do with you at first. But when you get older. They will play baseball with you. If you are super smart, your cousin D will probably teach you about quantum physics :P.
Your Grandparents, you will be the first grandchild(ren). Do you know what that means? Candy, toys, and anything your little heart(s) can imagine.
Like I said, you will be spoiled and VERY LOVED.
If you do decide to stick around, I promise to take you to Disn*y World, Univ*rsal, and any other park you can imagine. I'll take you to the kid movies as soon as you are old enough. And to the science and children's museums in town.
You can eat icecream everyday if that is what you fancy. We will compromise on vegetables, as long as you try them.
We have two kitties. And we will be getting a dog.
When you are older, we will get you a bike and talk about a car. And college is definite that we will help you with it. You decide where you want to go, and if you want to stay at home or go away or if it isn't the right choice for you.
Use your imagination and we will see what we can do.
Please fertilize, implant, and become a living breathing baby(ies). Thanks for hearing me out, and I love you.
Your would be Mom
Dear eggs,
This is your Mom (the woman who's body you are in). I understand that there hasn't been any past success of creating life in this body. But, I am asking you to please consider. Be adventurers, trail blazers. See life here would be good for any baby(ies). Let me tell you a little about it.
Your Dad (the sperm's owner) is really great with kids. He loves to play, see he is a bit of a kid himself. So you would get toys. Lots and lots of toys. And all types. See, because your Dad will get you fun stuff and I'll be getting you books and more intellectual games. If you are a girl, you will have your own kitchen set. Maybe if your are a boy too. :).
Your Aunts and Uncles. Well they have been waiting a long time for you. Your Aunt M, well she will dress you to the nines. Brand names, you got it. (I'm more of the type that you will be dress very cutely, but it won't be brand names, at least not all of the time. I want you to be able to play in the dirt. Sounds life fun?) Your Aunt G, she will be overly excited as well. Hmm, so will your Uncle M and L.
Which leads me to your big cousins. They probably won't know what to do with you at first. But when you get older. They will play baseball with you. If you are super smart, your cousin D will probably teach you about quantum physics :P.
Your Grandparents, you will be the first grandchild(ren). Do you know what that means? Candy, toys, and anything your little heart(s) can imagine.
Like I said, you will be spoiled and VERY LOVED.
If you do decide to stick around, I promise to take you to Disn*y World, Univ*rsal, and any other park you can imagine. I'll take you to the kid movies as soon as you are old enough. And to the science and children's museums in town.
You can eat icecream everyday if that is what you fancy. We will compromise on vegetables, as long as you try them.
We have two kitties. And we will be getting a dog.
When you are older, we will get you a bike and talk about a car. And college is definite that we will help you with it. You decide where you want to go, and if you want to stay at home or go away or if it isn't the right choice for you.
Use your imagination and we will see what we can do.
Please fertilize, implant, and become a living breathing baby(ies). Thanks for hearing me out, and I love you.
Your would be Mom
Friday, April 06, 2007
Easter
It used to be about enjoying a spiritual occasion and good food; seeing friends and family. Instead, now it has turned to another holiday that I sometimes would rather avoid.
Usually, it would be a bigger festivity. It would have consisted of mass, dinner with my mother-in-law, T’s step-father, my parents, my sister and fiancé, an aunt, her boyfriend, and son. After the enormous dinner with too much desert, we would go to visit former church friends. (Now we are just friends.) People that we don’t see often, but love to see when we can.
But, this year, Easter will be quiet. It will consist of dinner with only my husband, my mom and dad, no mass and no visiting of church friends.
Dinner will be quiet because my mom didn’t feel like throwing a big event. And I can’t blame her. My mother-in-law and T’s step-father were invited, but they declined. So my mom took the opportunity to make it just for us. My sister and fiancé will be joining the festivities later in the evening.
And I declined on the visit with church friends. I said it was because of being at work super early the next day, which is completely true. I plan on being at work on Monday at 8:00 am, since I need to leave work before 11:00 am to go to an RE appointment, and hopefully returning to work by 2:00 pm to finish the day. But there was more of a reason that I didn’t want to go.
See, these friends don’t know of our infertility struggles. While they are extremely sweet, caring, compassionate people, I feel pulled as to whether or not to share. Why? Well, I am not ashamed of it. But, I don’t want to open Pandora’s Box either. See these friends are VERY Catholic. And while I know that they believe we should procreate – this is the same friend that told me that there is only one reason to get married and that is to have children – I don’t know if I would have to explain myself about ART. Because as we know, ART is a sensitive topic for Catholics since the Church has strict guidelines on what they determine to be acceptable procedures.
You may be wondering why this would be more of an issue this year than prior years? The reason is that the hosts are very proud grandparents of two beautiful boys. And my best friend S, who will be in attendance, is six months pregnant. (We were both married in the same year – 2002.) Now, I love to see those beautiful boys, and I am very happy for S. But, I don’t want that question to be directed at me. Especially since I don’t know if I should deflect it with sarcasm or provide an honest answer “sometimes it isn’t up to us, but to God.”
And I am reminded that I am 50/50 in the closet about our infertility. The people that know and ask about it; know everything there is to know. The people who don’t know; know nothing. Anyone who has guessed, I come clean with. Others who don’t bring it up with me, and I know that they know because my mother has an enormous mouth, I don’t bring up with them. (Mostly my mother’s family which only increases the rift between us, because they won’t talk to me about the most difficult thing that I’ve ever experienced in my life.)
All of this makes my head hurt. I wonder if it would be best for everyone to know. To be open. To gain support from real life people. To ask for their prayers. But, it is pride that makes me keep it a secret with the majority of people. I don’t want pity; I want empathy. And I can’t control how people react to my infertility, I can only control how I react to it.
Instead, I avoid these situations, so that I don’t have to make a decision. So, that I can put it off a little while longer. Yet, I know that I will need to make these decisions soon. Since, I assume they will be at S’s baby shower in May. I refuse to miss it. Due to the event, it will be a baby conversation day. But, I also know and somewhat comforted, that I will probably be too preoccupied with what is coming out of my mom’s mouth to actually socialize with anyone. I have the knowledge that my mother may have outted me to these very same people and I am fretting all for nothing.
The funniest part of this all is that I have decided that regardless of who asks about our maybe babies that I will be honest with them. Also, if we are ever blessed with a baby or two, that I will be honest that we used ART to conceive. I don’t feel ashamed about it. I will feel like we got lucky using every means necessary.
All of this makes me feel like a huge contradiction and there is a very good reason I see a counselor. Err…my head really hurts.
Usually, it would be a bigger festivity. It would have consisted of mass, dinner with my mother-in-law, T’s step-father, my parents, my sister and fiancé, an aunt, her boyfriend, and son. After the enormous dinner with too much desert, we would go to visit former church friends. (Now we are just friends.) People that we don’t see often, but love to see when we can.
But, this year, Easter will be quiet. It will consist of dinner with only my husband, my mom and dad, no mass and no visiting of church friends.
Dinner will be quiet because my mom didn’t feel like throwing a big event. And I can’t blame her. My mother-in-law and T’s step-father were invited, but they declined. So my mom took the opportunity to make it just for us. My sister and fiancé will be joining the festivities later in the evening.
And I declined on the visit with church friends. I said it was because of being at work super early the next day, which is completely true. I plan on being at work on Monday at 8:00 am, since I need to leave work before 11:00 am to go to an RE appointment, and hopefully returning to work by 2:00 pm to finish the day. But there was more of a reason that I didn’t want to go.
See, these friends don’t know of our infertility struggles. While they are extremely sweet, caring, compassionate people, I feel pulled as to whether or not to share. Why? Well, I am not ashamed of it. But, I don’t want to open Pandora’s Box either. See these friends are VERY Catholic. And while I know that they believe we should procreate – this is the same friend that told me that there is only one reason to get married and that is to have children – I don’t know if I would have to explain myself about ART. Because as we know, ART is a sensitive topic for Catholics since the Church has strict guidelines on what they determine to be acceptable procedures.
You may be wondering why this would be more of an issue this year than prior years? The reason is that the hosts are very proud grandparents of two beautiful boys. And my best friend S, who will be in attendance, is six months pregnant. (We were both married in the same year – 2002.) Now, I love to see those beautiful boys, and I am very happy for S. But, I don’t want that question to be directed at me. Especially since I don’t know if I should deflect it with sarcasm or provide an honest answer “sometimes it isn’t up to us, but to God.”
And I am reminded that I am 50/50 in the closet about our infertility. The people that know and ask about it; know everything there is to know. The people who don’t know; know nothing. Anyone who has guessed, I come clean with. Others who don’t bring it up with me, and I know that they know because my mother has an enormous mouth, I don’t bring up with them. (Mostly my mother’s family which only increases the rift between us, because they won’t talk to me about the most difficult thing that I’ve ever experienced in my life.)
All of this makes my head hurt. I wonder if it would be best for everyone to know. To be open. To gain support from real life people. To ask for their prayers. But, it is pride that makes me keep it a secret with the majority of people. I don’t want pity; I want empathy. And I can’t control how people react to my infertility, I can only control how I react to it.
Instead, I avoid these situations, so that I don’t have to make a decision. So, that I can put it off a little while longer. Yet, I know that I will need to make these decisions soon. Since, I assume they will be at S’s baby shower in May. I refuse to miss it. Due to the event, it will be a baby conversation day. But, I also know and somewhat comforted, that I will probably be too preoccupied with what is coming out of my mom’s mouth to actually socialize with anyone. I have the knowledge that my mother may have outted me to these very same people and I am fretting all for nothing.
The funniest part of this all is that I have decided that regardless of who asks about our maybe babies that I will be honest with them. Also, if we are ever blessed with a baby or two, that I will be honest that we used ART to conceive. I don’t feel ashamed about it. I will feel like we got lucky using every means necessary.
All of this makes me feel like a huge contradiction and there is a very good reason I see a counselor. Err…my head really hurts.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
To my unborn child
Dear Baby,
I’m writing because your father asked me to analyze why I want, desire, love you so much. I smile at him, because I know that he will love you even more than I already do. This is my attempt. Please note, that I understand you will not be born on May 1, 2007, but I hope you will be born soon.
My desire for you little one started many years ago. I will admit, that the desire didn’t hit me until my twenties, but that is about 10 years ago now.
When I was a teenager, I had plans. They didn’t really involve babies or men. My plan was to go to college and to be an independent woman. This may not seem like a big deal, and hopefully it won’t be for you. But, for me it was a big deal. See, I was the first girl on your grandfather’s side to go, and the first to graduate on his side and the second to graduate on your grandmother’s. My independence was vital for me to become who I am. As soon as I graduated, I began to save for our first home. And it was purchased before your father and I were married.
Like most people, I changed and sometime in my sophomore year of college, I started to desire you. I can’t pin point the day that I knew that you were in my future, but I can tell you it happened.
So, I made a pack with myself that if by the age of 35 I was not married or in a significant relationship, I would try to conceive regardless. See, at that point, I had very little luck with the opposite sex. I dated a great deal, but without any success at finding someone worthy of you or me. I had no faith in finding the right man, but I always had faith in myself, the almighty, and in you. Ultimately, my desire for you was strong even back then.
At 23, I met your father. He was the first man worthy of both of us; strong, beautiful, intelligent, brave, funny, compassionate, tenacious, a little arrogant, persistent, and the right man for us. We were engaged and married two years and nine months after our first date.
It would seem that we would of tried for you at exactly that point. But, my sweet, at 26, I wasn’t ready. I needed for things to be better for you. So, it took me another 2 years to realize that the circumstances would never be perfect, and we started to try for you.
Now, as you realize my brilliant child, it has been another two years. The desire has not diminished, it has intensified. My love for you grown, but you still seem to want me to wait. Maybe it is my turn to wait, because I made you wait for so long.
Ultimately, my desire for you has nothing to do with society or my family. Yes, your father worries about this because he remembers Bridezilla me wanting a one carat engagement ring. But, my desire for you has nothing to do with an irrational want of a materialistic thing.
You are not a material or an object to have. You are not something that is entitled. You are the ultimate gift and I pray that you will be given to us.
You will be a baby, a child, and an adult given by God himself. You will be mine and your father’s to care for. We will love you and be proud of you always. I want to be a parent to you. To teach you compassion, love, understanding and to make the world a better place by helping you be the best person possible.
Do I want you to love? Maybe, but is that so terrible? Does that make my desire for you less pure? Because, I think it is the most pure feeling I’ve ever had. My desire and love for you is tremendous, and I think that there is only one being that could put that in my heart, God himself. Maybe he chooses women to put that desire within because ultimately it will be their body that they use for the miracle of birth to occur.
Also, no matter what means you are conceived by (clomid, IUI with medication, GIFT, or adoption) you are a miracle. Ultimately, nature has caused a chemical imbalance within me, and without those artificial manipulations the chance of conceiving you are minimal. I need the help of the medical community for my desire to be fulfilled or another to conceive you.
Sadly, I know that there will be a limit. Money and hope will definitely leave me at some point. Your father has said that he is willing to go on as long as I have the will to go on. I am not sure when my will will be gone, but I know that eventually I will be completely defeated and done with this struggle of trying to conceive you thru me.
I don’t say this to you to hurt you. It isn’t that I have a limit to loving you, but maybe it wasn’t meant for you to be born of me. Maybe you must be conceived and born of others. If this is the case, I will love you just the same. See, I feel that you were always intended for me and your father. But maybe you were intended to be our friends’ children or another couples’ child and never be ours, but children in our lives.
Adopting you may also be in the future, but I will be honest that the wound of defeat will have to heal before I would be ready for that struggle. So, I will be honest and tell you that you will have to wait for me to be ready for that fight.
Ultimately, my sweet, I will love you. Your father will love you. All of our friends will love you. Your Auntie M and future Uncle M will love you, and the rest of the crazy family members will love you. One thing that I can guarantee you is that you will be LOVED.
The other thing that I can guarantee you is that I will always do my best. I cannot say that I will be the best. But, I will always try to be the best Mommy for you. I will attempt to be patient, your friend, a companion to you in this journey of life, and you will always have support and opportunities. You will be completely cared for. I will attempt to give you everything that I can that you need and I know that your Dad would do the same.
Ultimately, please do come and visit soon, because as you can see, you are already loved and wanted.
Missing and loving you daily,
Your Mommy
I’m writing because your father asked me to analyze why I want, desire, love you so much. I smile at him, because I know that he will love you even more than I already do. This is my attempt. Please note, that I understand you will not be born on May 1, 2007, but I hope you will be born soon.
My desire for you little one started many years ago. I will admit, that the desire didn’t hit me until my twenties, but that is about 10 years ago now.
When I was a teenager, I had plans. They didn’t really involve babies or men. My plan was to go to college and to be an independent woman. This may not seem like a big deal, and hopefully it won’t be for you. But, for me it was a big deal. See, I was the first girl on your grandfather’s side to go, and the first to graduate on his side and the second to graduate on your grandmother’s. My independence was vital for me to become who I am. As soon as I graduated, I began to save for our first home. And it was purchased before your father and I were married.
Like most people, I changed and sometime in my sophomore year of college, I started to desire you. I can’t pin point the day that I knew that you were in my future, but I can tell you it happened.
So, I made a pack with myself that if by the age of 35 I was not married or in a significant relationship, I would try to conceive regardless. See, at that point, I had very little luck with the opposite sex. I dated a great deal, but without any success at finding someone worthy of you or me. I had no faith in finding the right man, but I always had faith in myself, the almighty, and in you. Ultimately, my desire for you was strong even back then.
At 23, I met your father. He was the first man worthy of both of us; strong, beautiful, intelligent, brave, funny, compassionate, tenacious, a little arrogant, persistent, and the right man for us. We were engaged and married two years and nine months after our first date.
It would seem that we would of tried for you at exactly that point. But, my sweet, at 26, I wasn’t ready. I needed for things to be better for you. So, it took me another 2 years to realize that the circumstances would never be perfect, and we started to try for you.
Now, as you realize my brilliant child, it has been another two years. The desire has not diminished, it has intensified. My love for you grown, but you still seem to want me to wait. Maybe it is my turn to wait, because I made you wait for so long.
Ultimately, my desire for you has nothing to do with society or my family. Yes, your father worries about this because he remembers Bridezilla me wanting a one carat engagement ring. But, my desire for you has nothing to do with an irrational want of a materialistic thing.
You are not a material or an object to have. You are not something that is entitled. You are the ultimate gift and I pray that you will be given to us.
You will be a baby, a child, and an adult given by God himself. You will be mine and your father’s to care for. We will love you and be proud of you always. I want to be a parent to you. To teach you compassion, love, understanding and to make the world a better place by helping you be the best person possible.
Do I want you to love? Maybe, but is that so terrible? Does that make my desire for you less pure? Because, I think it is the most pure feeling I’ve ever had. My desire and love for you is tremendous, and I think that there is only one being that could put that in my heart, God himself. Maybe he chooses women to put that desire within because ultimately it will be their body that they use for the miracle of birth to occur.
Also, no matter what means you are conceived by (clomid, IUI with medication, GIFT, or adoption) you are a miracle. Ultimately, nature has caused a chemical imbalance within me, and without those artificial manipulations the chance of conceiving you are minimal. I need the help of the medical community for my desire to be fulfilled or another to conceive you.
Sadly, I know that there will be a limit. Money and hope will definitely leave me at some point. Your father has said that he is willing to go on as long as I have the will to go on. I am not sure when my will will be gone, but I know that eventually I will be completely defeated and done with this struggle of trying to conceive you thru me.
I don’t say this to you to hurt you. It isn’t that I have a limit to loving you, but maybe it wasn’t meant for you to be born of me. Maybe you must be conceived and born of others. If this is the case, I will love you just the same. See, I feel that you were always intended for me and your father. But maybe you were intended to be our friends’ children or another couples’ child and never be ours, but children in our lives.
Adopting you may also be in the future, but I will be honest that the wound of defeat will have to heal before I would be ready for that struggle. So, I will be honest and tell you that you will have to wait for me to be ready for that fight.
Ultimately, my sweet, I will love you. Your father will love you. All of our friends will love you. Your Auntie M and future Uncle M will love you, and the rest of the crazy family members will love you. One thing that I can guarantee you is that you will be LOVED.
The other thing that I can guarantee you is that I will always do my best. I cannot say that I will be the best. But, I will always try to be the best Mommy for you. I will attempt to be patient, your friend, a companion to you in this journey of life, and you will always have support and opportunities. You will be completely cared for. I will attempt to give you everything that I can that you need and I know that your Dad would do the same.
Ultimately, please do come and visit soon, because as you can see, you are already loved and wanted.
Missing and loving you daily,
Your Mommy
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
ENVIOUS
Meaning: adj. Feeling, showing or prompted by envy.
Thanks Mr. Webster, yes that is indeed how I felt on Friday. Friday was my birthday. Overall a great day. My husband made dinner for me and several friends. The food was fantastic, shrimp cocktail, caprese, roast beef, carrots, and mashed potatoes.
One of the couples is from out of town. I noticed that she wasn't drinking. (Thought to myself that is odd...I know she is breast feeding but, she could have at least one. Instead of following the thought process through.) I ask, "Are you pregnant?" (Wow, I didn't think this through, because I definitely did not want to hear the answer in the affirmative. It is one of the first rules, you NEVER ask a question that you don't want to hear the answer to.) She responds guiltily, "Yes!" I say, "YIPPPEEE!"
What was I suppose to say? "What about me?" or "When is it going to be my turn?" or "You have one beautiful little one, couldn't you be happy with her for a little while longer so that there would be more souls for God to give me one?"
OK, I am a mean person. I am a selfish person that only wants things for herself. BUT, I AM REALLY NOT!
Ultimately, I am thrilled for her and her husband.
But, I am envious.
I dream of that little one that my husband and I can call our own. He/she has his big blue eyes. My curly eyelashes. His black hair with my curls. His great quick wit and my love for reading. The little one can't sing, but neither can we. But most of all, the little one has our love to laugh!
Yes, I have thought of the unattainable child more than I care to admit. He/she comes into my dreams. I wake up hugging a pillow with a sense of desperation and grief.
So yes, I am envious.
Thanks Mr. Webster, yes that is indeed how I felt on Friday. Friday was my birthday. Overall a great day. My husband made dinner for me and several friends. The food was fantastic, shrimp cocktail, caprese, roast beef, carrots, and mashed potatoes.
One of the couples is from out of town. I noticed that she wasn't drinking. (Thought to myself that is odd...I know she is breast feeding but, she could have at least one. Instead of following the thought process through.) I ask, "Are you pregnant?" (Wow, I didn't think this through, because I definitely did not want to hear the answer in the affirmative. It is one of the first rules, you NEVER ask a question that you don't want to hear the answer to.) She responds guiltily, "Yes!" I say, "YIPPPEEE!"
What was I suppose to say? "What about me?" or "When is it going to be my turn?" or "You have one beautiful little one, couldn't you be happy with her for a little while longer so that there would be more souls for God to give me one?"
OK, I am a mean person. I am a selfish person that only wants things for herself. BUT, I AM REALLY NOT!
Ultimately, I am thrilled for her and her husband.
But, I am envious.
I dream of that little one that my husband and I can call our own. He/she has his big blue eyes. My curly eyelashes. His black hair with my curls. His great quick wit and my love for reading. The little one can't sing, but neither can we. But most of all, the little one has our love to laugh!
Yes, I have thought of the unattainable child more than I care to admit. He/she comes into my dreams. I wake up hugging a pillow with a sense of desperation and grief.
So yes, I am envious.
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