Thursday, October 09, 2008

So many things that I could write about instead...

but the one thing that seems to come out is my latest bought of infertility sadness.

Really, my blog represents me. And I've been to preoccupied to notice any infertility sadness for months. My feelings of happiness, well being, and contentment have been far out waying anything that is remotely sadness. Ironically, I thought I was ready to write about my depression of earlier in the year. How I got a speaking to by T, and somehow have been getting out of that funk.

But, just when I feel like I am doing better. I get whacked.

Four pregnancy and one birth announcements all at once. I guess the blows just get harder and harder. And the feeling of being left behind arises all over again.


Just when I feel like I am getting over this bullshit, the evil forces of the world come to play.

Can't people just get pregnant and have children in the privacy of their own home and leave me out of it?


So frustrated.

Because if I were to get pregnant now, I would be angry. Rage would find a new meaning. But, it is still the one thing that I would love to experience. And that is the saddest truth of my life.

Good thing no one is in the office, since I am crying now. The tears are only several weeks late.


Susan said...

I feel your frustration - right through the Internet. I know it...but for a different reason.

Alacrity said...

You have been doing really well in refocusing your life - I admire your strength in that. Unfortunately, revisiting to these feelings from time to time is inevitable.

So sorry that you are having a hard time right now.


Irish Girl said...

It's hard when the announcements pile up like that. Sometimes it's hard just because. I don't think I'll ever *get over* the fact that I can not have a child even though I wanted that. I do hope, however, that I'll learn to live a happy life without the children I wished for. I believe that is possible.

Hang in there. Know that others understand and are here for you.

Annie said...

((hug)) I got a birth announcement in the mail a few days ago and had a really hard time with it. She sent a note saying "hope all is well in your neck of the woods," and I wanted to write back and say actually it's not and you should know that since we m/c right around when you were announcing your pregnancy! :(

Me said...

I'm sorry. It's funny how you think you're doing fine and then WHAMO! you get blindsided. :(

loribeth said...

One announcement is hard enough to handle sometimes, but FIVE all at once, yikes!! No wonder you feel whacked. Sending you (((hugs))).

Anonymous said...

Birth announcements and PG announcements do have a way of piling up, it seems. I still try to tune them out, especially the "oops" pregnancies. Thinking of you, Flutter.

Kir said...

Thinking of you sweetie, and letting you know you are not alone out there. We all get whacked by something that we thought we had made peace with and put on the back burner. I'm just sorry that IF is hitting you again. My heart is hurting with your's today.

*Big hugs*


Sorry about the avalanche.
I'm dreading holiday cards this year... a boatload of photographs of happy families who have live on an entirely different planet than I do.

Thinking of you today.


Pamela T. said...

Just catching up, hon. Sorry that the announcements caught you sideways. They have a way of doing that especially when you're making progress on other fronts. It does get easier...

Rebecca said...

Ah, yes -- timing is everything isn't it? I'm so sorry, it can be like salt in the wound; but you know those who are sharing their news don't intend to make you sad.