Tuesday, August 22, 2006

To my unborn child

Dear Baby,

I’m writing because your father asked me to analyze why I want, desire, love you so much. I smile at him, because I know that he will love you even more than I already do. This is my attempt. Please note, that I understand you will not be born on May 1, 2007, but I hope you will be born soon.

My desire for you little one started many years ago. I will admit, that the desire didn’t hit me until my twenties, but that is about 10 years ago now.

When I was a teenager, I had plans. They didn’t really involve babies or men. My plan was to go to college and to be an independent woman. This may not seem like a big deal, and hopefully it won’t be for you. But, for me it was a big deal. See, I was the first girl on your grandfather’s side to go, and the first to graduate on his side and the second to graduate on your grandmother’s. My independence was vital for me to become who I am. As soon as I graduated, I began to save for our first home. And it was purchased before your father and I were married.

Like most people, I changed and sometime in my sophomore year of college, I started to desire you. I can’t pin point the day that I knew that you were in my future, but I can tell you it happened.

So, I made a pack with myself that if by the age of 35 I was not married or in a significant relationship, I would try to conceive regardless. See, at that point, I had very little luck with the opposite sex. I dated a great deal, but without any success at finding someone worthy of you or me. I had no faith in finding the right man, but I always had faith in myself, the almighty, and in you. Ultimately, my desire for you was strong even back then.

At 23, I met your father. He was the first man worthy of both of us; strong, beautiful, intelligent, brave, funny, compassionate, tenacious, a little arrogant, persistent, and the right man for us. We were engaged and married two years and nine months after our first date.

It would seem that we would of tried for you at exactly that point. But, my sweet, at 26, I wasn’t ready. I needed for things to be better for you. So, it took me another 2 years to realize that the circumstances would never be perfect, and we started to try for you.

Now, as you realize my brilliant child, it has been another two years. The desire has not diminished, it has intensified. My love for you grown, but you still seem to want me to wait. Maybe it is my turn to wait, because I made you wait for so long.

Ultimately, my desire for you has nothing to do with society or my family. Yes, your father worries about this because he remembers Bridezilla me wanting a one carat engagement ring. But, my desire for you has nothing to do with an irrational want of a materialistic thing.

You are not a material or an object to have. You are not something that is entitled. You are the ultimate gift and I pray that you will be given to us.

You will be a baby, a child, and an adult given by God himself. You will be mine and your father’s to care for. We will love you and be proud of you always. I want to be a parent to you. To teach you compassion, love, understanding and to make the world a better place by helping you be the best person possible.

Do I want you to love? Maybe, but is that so terrible? Does that make my desire for you less pure? Because, I think it is the most pure feeling I’ve ever had. My desire and love for you is tremendous, and I think that there is only one being that could put that in my heart, God himself. Maybe he chooses women to put that desire within because ultimately it will be their body that they use for the miracle of birth to occur.

Also, no matter what means you are conceived by (clomid, IUI with medication, GIFT, or adoption) you are a miracle. Ultimately, nature has caused a chemical imbalance within me, and without those artificial manipulations the chance of conceiving you are minimal. I need the help of the medical community for my desire to be fulfilled or another to conceive you.

Sadly, I know that there will be a limit. Money and hope will definitely leave me at some point. Your father has said that he is willing to go on as long as I have the will to go on. I am not sure when my will will be gone, but I know that eventually I will be completely defeated and done with this struggle of trying to conceive you thru me.

I don’t say this to you to hurt you. It isn’t that I have a limit to loving you, but maybe it wasn’t meant for you to be born of me. Maybe you must be conceived and born of others. If this is the case, I will love you just the same. See, I feel that you were always intended for me and your father. But maybe you were intended to be our friends’ children or another couples’ child and never be ours, but children in our lives.

Adopting you may also be in the future, but I will be honest that the wound of defeat will have to heal before I would be ready for that struggle. So, I will be honest and tell you that you will have to wait for me to be ready for that fight.

Ultimately, my sweet, I will love you. Your father will love you. All of our friends will love you. Your Auntie M and future Uncle M will love you, and the rest of the crazy family members will love you. One thing that I can guarantee you is that you will be LOVED.

The other thing that I can guarantee you is that I will always do my best. I cannot say that I will be the best. But, I will always try to be the best Mommy for you. I will attempt to be patient, your friend, a companion to you in this journey of life, and you will always have support and opportunities. You will be completely cared for. I will attempt to give you everything that I can that you need and I know that your Dad would do the same.

Ultimately, please do come and visit soon, because as you can see, you are already loved and wanted.

Missing and loving you daily,

Your Mommy


EB said...

I have tears in my eyes. Know that we as your circle of friends are here for you thru this difficult time in your life and we offer whatever support we can. You're already a Mom in your mind, now you just have to wait until you can physically prove it to the rest of the world. And that to me is tougher than any medical treatment you will endure to make this miracle happen. This is a temporary setback but being a Mom is FOREVER.

Anonymous said...

Hold onto Hope, don't let her slip away. Let your love and strength for your baby carry you, and the love and strength of your family and friends nourish you so that Hope will always remain ... However your baby will come, s/he WILL come.

Joei said...

Your intentions are so pure and beautiful. I only wish that your baby is reading this in heaven and joins you soon. What a lucky baby!

Rachel said...

I know this post was written a long time ago, but it is beautiful. I hope you get your daughter!

Geohde said...

I've just found this post via the blog roundup.

What lovely thoughts......

Baby Blues said...

Love this post! It made me cry. You inspired me to write a letter too. Thanks Dianne.