Monday, August 28, 2006

Am I in or out?

The post below talks about a movement that I think is BEAUTIFUL.

Then why is it that I don't have my pomegranet thread on my right wrist? Well, because I don't think I'm out.

I'm out with: My husband, mother, father, sister, future brother-in-law, a cousin (out of 30), a co-worker, 2 Aunt Gs, an Uncle, close friends, and all of you.

With that said, the only ones that I have invited to read this blog are my husband, 4 VERY close friends, and my Vent friends.

(I also invited my sister, but she refuses to read it. She doesn't want me to give her any reason not to call her. She thinks that if she reads my blog I won't pick up the phone.)

Thru my friend A's blog, I've been outed to two additional friends, E and L. For this I'm actually grateful because of the support they have shown me. So, this outing was good, because it helped our relationship.

Ultimately, the majority of people don't know. I suspect that they have their own ideas as to why we don't have children. But, they mostly keep those ideas to themselves or they come up with comments that put them in my top ten. Would it be better to be up front, because I may be surprised by their reactions?

I don't know, but I do know that my experience has lead me to the point of staying quiet when it is something this personal.

Notice, that I've told my close friends. These are people I've picked or my husband has picked to be our friends. Our chosen family.

Notice that I've told a limited number of family members. Basically, only the ones who have been supportive for the most part. (I told my Mom despite the fact she is the author of 6 out of the 10 insensitive comments. Got to love the woman.) Most of my family have not always been supportive of me. They have been the cause of many a hurt feeling. Therefore, I think that I am further protecting myself against possible turmoil.

So this is where I find myself. I'd love to wear the bracelet. I do believe that it is beautiful, but I don't think that I'm ready to put myself all the way out. Right now, in my 25% out and 75% in stage, I'm not emotionally ready to be that honest and forth coming.

I hope that doesn't make me a bad person.


Lollipop Goldstein said...

That makes you a fantastically brilliant person who knows her own needs right now. And that's far more important than educating other people. There's a time and place. And right now you need to focus on what you need to get through this.

Which means being out to as many or as few people as you want.

Anonymous said...

I am glad that I am not alone. I did wear the braclet for about a week, but the whole time I kept thinking what am I gonna say when others ask. I mean like you Dianne I have told some but not everyone knows. I think it does not make you a terrible person, just someone who is well aware of her limitations.

Sarah said...

You are definatly not a bad person. a very self aware one yes but bad...not in a million years. I hope you get to say your pg soon.

Anonymous said...

Dianne, I am so with you on this one. I got the thread, but I haven't worn it, because then I'll have to explain...and nobody except one close friend and DH's sister knows what I'm dealing with. I definitely don't want people at work to know. I'm not embarrassed, but DH and I work for the same company and I just don't want our reproductive life discussed around the water cooler! So I'm stuck---I love the idea, but just aren't able to put myself out there yet.

Rebecca said...

Hey - found you over at A's site.

One of my dearest friends is going through the realization that she may not be able to concieve at all. Ever. I never understand why that happens to the people who you are just sure of would be the best parents. It's heartbreaking.

I'm sorry for what you're going through...and while it may sound trite (I don't mean it this way) - don't let it define you. It doesn't take pregnancy or birth to determine someone as a Mommy. Maybe it just means that there is a special child waiting for you to choose them....

Best wishes...