Tuesday, August 08, 2006

20 Questions

My need to have a child is immense. For the last few days, I've been contemplating what my need may bring me to. Knowing that the child will not come easy, leaves me fearful. What if? This is a terrible game that I play with myself constantly, since I need to have plans, options before I need them. As a result, my 20 questions to myself.

1. Why do you want a child? I want to experience the amazing miracle of a baby growing within me. I want to know that child is part me and part my husband. To experience watching a child and recognizing something about them from me, my husband, our parents, and grandparents. For my husband and I to be parents. To care for a child and love that child unconditionally. I want to know that I have done the best I can to create a beautiful person who is intelligent, productive and compassionate. I yearn for this child. I yearn to watch my T with the child; playing, parenting, etc. I yearn for him to be a Dad, because he will be great at it.

2. Would you still have this need if you didn't have to wait? It seems to me that the longer I wait, the more the feelings intensify, more the desire intensifies. Yes, I do believe that the need, want, and desire would still be there with or without the wait, but it is magnified.

3. Do you think the wait has helped in any way? I will admit, despite the frustration and aggravation that it has caused, I think it has made me more prepared, improved my husband's and my communication skills, and also made me a more aware person. So maybe in the end, it'll be a good thing that we had to wait, because it will make me a better parent for that child. Also, the wait will only make the victory that much sweeter.

4. Do you want a child because you feel entitled to one? No, because I don't think there is anything of this magnitude is entitled. I believe a child is a blessing. Whether or not we aren't granted a child, I don't think I'm entitled. However, I will be disappointed, because I can't help but wonder why I wasn't granted this blessing. This pondering makes me worried that my envious side will win and I will become bitter. This may be my biggest fear. I don't want to be bitter because I didn't have a child. I need/want to accept it.

5. Are you fearful of the Clomid and what if it doesn't work? Yes, I am a little afraid of the Clomid. It causes emotional mood swings, dehydration, forgetfulness, etc. But, my fear is what else is it causing? Is it destroying my uterus lining or my cervical mucus? Is it causing some un-repairable harm? These are my concerns, but the need out weighs these fears. Also, if I want a child, I need to ovulate and since I don't ovulate on my own. I need to take something that makes me ovulate. And the Clomid works for me. If it fails, I know I will survive. Heck, I've already survived two failed cycles on the Clomid, what is two more.

6. What are your thoughts on the medicated IUIs and what if they don't work? I'm willing to try. They aren't as invasive as IVF. Also, as an added bonus, the Catholic Church is OK with it. Even though, I think a failed IUI cycle would be very emotional, it is an emotional distress that I'm willing to go thru and I can survive. I don't think a failed cycle would destroy me. But, who knows, after one failed IUI, it might be enough for me.

7. What if you are faced with IVF? IVF is another story. I'm not thinking of my religion's beliefs. I'm not thinking of what someone may consider "morally" right. (After all some of my favorite people were miraculously born this way.) I'm thinking that I couldn't survive a failed cycle. After all, those embryos are fertilized, the only task my body would need to do is implant. If my body failed to implant, than it would be my body's ultimate failure. To me, it would be equavilent to a miscarriage. All of my hope and love would be with them. And I know, that a failed cycle would put me in the insane asylum. I have no doubt.

8. Are there any other issues that make you feel apprehensive about IVF? You mean besides the demise of my mental state? Well, my realistic side cannot fathom spending that much money on anything that at best has a 50% shot. Sadly, for T and I (unless the secondary insurance I find is AMAZING) we will be paying out of pocket. An average IVF cycle between $12,000 and $15,000, and considering it takes more than one cycle usually. It would be beyond our means. I know how horrible that sounds, that I'm thinking about money when it comes to a child. Maybe I am selfish. But I know that: I want a child, be able to buy a house someday to house said child, and be able to financially support said child. So, maybe I am selfish. But when I consider how that money could be put towards adopting a child, I don't think I'm selfish I think there might be another path for us.

9. What do you think of adoption? The more I think, the more I come to this conclusion, that adoption sounds really nice. There are children that need parents. And I would like to be one. Also, I truly believe that it wouldn't matter to me if the child was genetically ours. (Believe me, I would be upset never to experience being pregnant, but ultimately my need/desire for a child is greater than my need to be pregnant.) Lastly, I believe that adopted children were ALWAYS meant for their adoptive parents, they just needed to be born a different way.

10. Do you have any reservations about adopting? I have no doubt that I will be able to love that child regardless of who its birth mother/father were or where they came from. I also don't believe that it would matter to T. Ultimately, the group of people that I am most fearful of their lack of acceptance is our families. This seriously causes me to pause. Because sadly, I think they may have some difficulties accepting the decision.

11. Are there benefits to adopting? Yes, adoption allows us to wait a little while longer. After all there is no biological clock ticking with adoption. There is a preference that the parents be under 40, so we would need to start with in the next four years because of T. We could buy a house now. Save for the adoption. Travel a little bit more. It would be valuable time to enjoy ourselves a little more and prepare ourselves for our future little ones.

12. Do I think too much? Most definitely. Have you met me?

13. Am I being a coward for not being able to go thru IVF or do I just know myself? I think the answer is a little bit of both. I do feel like a coward, but I honestly do not have any doubt in how I feel. I know that I wouldn't be able to survive a failed IVF and maybe that is me being cowardly. But, I think it would be foolish of me to plow ahead and realize it when it is all said and done.

14. Will I regret not trying? Maybe, but my sanity is worth much more to me than a regret. After over two years of trying, am I really "not" trying, by saying I have done all I can.

15. Will I be OK if I never become pregnant? Ultimately, I don't have a choice. It will be my cross to bear.

16. Can we love a child that is not ours biologically? Yes, I believe this to be 100% true.

17. So, if that is 100% true, than why don't you quit now? Because, there are still things we need to try. We aren't at the point to toss in the towel. To give up hope on a biological child. Also, who knows it may be something we consider down the road, because to be truthful, if we are lucky in having one beautiful, healthy, little one; I don't know if I could put myself thru this emotional turmoil again. I think I would be done, which is sad considering I wanted 4 when we started. But, adoption will allow us to open our hearts to more children. So, if not this time, maybe another time.

18. When will you be ready to give up? Not sure. Definitely know that there will be 1 more Clomid cycle and three medicated IUIs. More than that, I'm not sure. I'd be willing to "try" by inducing up to 12 ovulations. Since I've ovulated three times, I would count that towards the 12, and it would leave us with 9 more tries. At this point and time, that sounds like so much to put my body and mind thru. So, I don't know.

19. Have you thought of not having children and being married without building a family? This one, I have not really thought thru. I can say that is not how I envisioned our lives. If this is the situation, T and I have a really good example of how it can be done with his Great Uncle and Aunt. They have been happily married for 50 years. So, it can be done. But, would I be OK with it. I do not know.

20. Are you still hopeful? Yes, I am hopeful that the extreme measures of infertility treatments will not be necessary. Like so many others, that I will be lucky and the Clomid will be all I need. But I am a realist. I know that the Clomid only gives me an 8% chance of pregnancy and the medicated IUI 25%. I know that my time on the miracle "crazy" pill is limited due to it's side effects. I must mentally start preparing myself for the possibilities.


Anonymous said...

Wow. All questions that I have considered, and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with some of these hesitations. Hope making this list made you feel a bit more in control... that's usually the case with my lists.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Wow! I think I may copy and paste the questions so that my husband and I can discuss how we feel about each one. Thanks for sharing!


Turtle_Dove said...

Discussing your emotions outwardly is great internal medicine.

Just know that what ever path you choose, or is chosen for you, you can trust and have faith that you will be surrounds with the love and support of your family and friends. We all love you dearly!

Joei said...

That was really heavy! Its so funny, you are the 3rd person in the last 2 weeks that has said they would not do IVF! Just keep hoping and praying... If you want a baby, you will have one, no matter how it is born!

Anonymous said...

Dianne- I wrestled with the same range of emotions. I was such a coward, putting off seeing the RE because I was too afraid to hear what the answer was. It sounds like you are more in control than I ever was and I applaud you for that!