ENVIOUS

Meaning: adj. Feeling, showing or prompted by envy.

Thanks Mr. Webster, yes that is indeed how I felt on Friday. Friday was my birthday. Overall a great day. My husband made dinner for me and several friends. The food was fantastic, shrimp cocktail, caprese, roast beef, carrots, and mashed potatoes.

One of the couples is from out of town. I noticed that she wasn't drinking. (Thought to myself that is odd...I know she is breast feeding but, she could have at least one. Instead of following the thought process through.) I ask, "Are you pregnant?" (Wow, I didn't think this through, because I definitely did not want to hear the answer in the affirmative. It is one of the first rules, you NEVER ask a question that you don't want to hear the answer to.) She responds guiltily, "Yes!" I say, "YIPPPEEE!"

What was I suppose to say? "What about me?" or "When is it going to be my turn?" or "You have one beautiful little one, couldn't you be happy with her for a little while longer so that there would be more souls for God to give me one?"

OK, I am a mean person. I am a selfish person that only wants things for herself. BUT, I AM REALLY NOT!

Ultimately, I am thrilled for her and her husband.

But, I am envious.

I dream of that little one that my husband and I can call our own. He/she has his big blue eyes. My curly eyelashes. His black hair with my curls. His great quick wit and my love for reading. The little one can't sing, but neither can we. But most of all, the little one has our love to laugh!

Yes, I have thought of the unattainable child more than I care to admit. He/she comes into my dreams. I wake up hugging a pillow with a sense of desperation and grief.

So yes, I am envious.