After spending so many years of trying to figure myself out, this is what I have come up with, I am a contradiction.
The meaning of contradiction Mr. Webster:
1 : a fact or condition incompatible with another : OPPOSITE -- usually used with the
OK, contradiction was not in the dictionary, but contrary was and contradiction is a derivative of the word, therefore I feel fine using the definition.
Back to my thought process, I am a contradiction. Since I have been experiencing a hormonal imbalance, at this point I don't have a more direct description of it, I am a contradiction.
I pray to get pregnant. I pray to get my period. Yes, they are a contradiction. This is where I have lived for several years.
Why do I pray to get pregnant and then also pray to get my period, you ask?
Well, because you can't get pregnant without first having your period. If you realize that you didn't conceive during that cycle, like I do, because after all it is day 40. You originally believed that you had ovulated on cycle day 13, and you later find out from your RE that you ovulated between cycle day 31 and 38. You start to pray for your period.
Hence, I feel like a living, walking, talking contradiction. Mr. Webster, you can put my picture next to that definition.
I have decided to instead to pray that I have intercourse on a day that I ovulate.
*More to come on this realization :). Yes, there is more to the story.