After filling her in how a Baptism went. That I was so close to saying everything on my mind and that they (my extended family and Mother) would not like it.
Lil' Sis: You've been so angry lately. Why don't you just say what is on your mind?
Me: Because we all ready have you and T. And as you know from Mom's last out burst when I tried to do this that it is not taken very well.
Lil' Sis: Well that isn't your problem. You need to do something. You are just so angry and you need to fix it.
Me: What more do you want me to do? I see a therapist, I've done treatments, I go to yoga. I can't fix this that easily.
Lil' Sis: You know there are loads of children.
Me: Stop, don't say anything else. I'm going to scream - just don't. We have made a decision - we are doing something.
Lil' Sis: But you need to fix this and it doesn't seem like you are happy with your decision.
Lil' Sis: Hello? Are you there?
Me: Yes, I'm here.
Lil' Sis: I thought I lost you.
Me: (deep breath in and say it all in an exhale) I get angry so that I'm not sad. (voice is getting heavy with a restricted sob) If I feel sad, all I want to do is cry. So I get angry. We are doing something, we are trying another option - not having kids. It is time that we need for ourselves. I used to say the same G*ddam thing - adopt. But, you know after the year we have had of loss. I want to see a child that looks like me and T - that has our loved ones characteristics. And until that feeling goes away or becomes less important - than adoption is not a right choice for us. I wouldn't be a good mother, and why would I put a child in that situation. I need to get over this before I can even consider that.
Lil' Sis: I'm sorry if I made you upset. I just want to be sure that you have been thinking about all of your options.
Me: I'm just sick of people making stupid comments. For the most part, I don't even dignify their stupid comments with an answer.
Lil' Sis: But, I'm not most people.
Me: Thats why I answered you.