Tuesday, October 23, 2007

A Conversation

After filling her in how a Baptism went. That I was so close to saying everything on my mind and that they (my extended family and Mother) would not like it.

Lil' Sis: You've been so angry lately. Why don't you just say what is on your mind?

Me: Because we all ready have you and T. And as you know from Mom's last out burst when I tried to do this that it is not taken very well.

Lil' Sis: Well that isn't your problem. You need to do something. You are just so angry and you need to fix it.

Me: What more do you want me to do? I see a therapist, I've done treatments, I go to yoga. I can't fix this that easily.

Lil' Sis: You know there are loads of children.

Me: Stop, don't say anything else. I'm going to scream - just don't. We have made a decision - we are doing something.

Lil' Sis: But you need to fix this and it doesn't seem like you are happy with your decision.

Me: Silent.

Lil' Sis: Hello? Are you there?

Me: Yes, I'm here.

Lil' Sis: I thought I lost you.

Me: (deep breath in and say it all in an exhale) I get angry so that I'm not sad. (voice is getting heavy with a restricted sob) If I feel sad, all I want to do is cry. So I get angry. We are doing something, we are trying another option - not having kids. It is time that we need for ourselves. I used to say the same G*ddam thing - adopt. But, you know after the year we have had of loss. I want to see a child that looks like me and T - that has our loved ones characteristics. And until that feeling goes away or becomes less important - than adoption is not a right choice for us. I wouldn't be a good mother, and why would I put a child in that situation. I need to get over this before I can even consider that.

Lil' Sis: I'm sorry if I made you upset. I just want to be sure that you have been thinking about all of your options.

Me: I'm just sick of people making stupid comments. For the most part, I don't even dignify their stupid comments with an answer.

Lil' Sis: But, I'm not most people.

Me: Thats why I answered you.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Diane, I want to come give you a hug. I am so sorry that you're hurting right now, and that there's nothing that will make it better.

Susan said...

Aww man..maybe your sister will stick up for you with the family and they will STOP asking and give you the time you need to heal.

Pamela T. said...

Wow. This dialogue provided an intense flashback. I had almost the exact same conversation word for word after our decision. It is painful and familiar.

I know how badly you ache, Dianne. I wish I could do something more to help. Just know that you're not alone in your thinking or emotions. Keep getting it out. It does help, really.

LJ said...

So sorry you have to go through this...

AwkwardMoments said...

i am SO Glad that you were able to share your feelings - even if they aren't received well. I hope that you get some goodness out of sharing. I know there is sadness in that conversation but hte first thing i thought of after reading this was ..GO YOU!! You ROCK.. Seriously, I am amazed that you handled yourself so well! Be kind to yourself

Anonymous said...

Wow. What a powerful conversation. You're not alone. Whenever you need to let it all out, we're here.

Aurelia said...

Oh cack, honey this is so hard to read, because I know that your sister has good intentions, but really it all comes out wrong doesn't it?

Sigh...I am glad that you are taking time off to deal with your sadness and anger, before any next steps. I know people who haven't done that, and yes, it is mistake.

Hey, if you are really feeling shitty, wanna borrow my tire-iron? We could paint some faces on a wall and then take it down blow by blow? ;)

Samantha said...

I know what you mean about feeling angry so you won't feel sad. I do that frequently myself.

It's hard for people to accept that there's no easy answers, and it's also hard for them to accept that being supportive doesn't mean they must be out there fixing things. If you feel mad, being supportive is acknowledging your anger, if you feel sad, being supportive is acknowledging your sorrow. I hope your family can come to see that.

Sara said...

Oh Dianne, this post hit me right in the gut. Communicating with loved ones about infertility is SO hard when they just don't get it.

I can understand your sister's instincts to try to fix things for you. I wish I could crawl through the computer and fix things for you too. Still, people's inability to accept that there are some things that can't be changed or fixed makes life as an infertile so much harder.

I hope that your family comes around.

CAM said...

These are all such personal decisions and sometimes it seems easy to people who are on the outside...because they don't have to make these decisions - WE DO. I agree with what you said about getting over THIS before moving on to anything else...well put. I feel the same way about seeing a child that looks like the two of us...if someone can easily have kids they just can't relate. That was a great conversation, thanks for sharing.