What I'm Doing Tonight?

Need I say more?

Maybe I do. I'm going to see them in concert tonight. Very excited. I do plan on seeing the movie and will definetly report back when I do. :).

How is it going?

OK, so according to my counter, I'm getting about the same number of views. Not a bad thing.

But, I am wondering - what do you think so far?

I know it hasn't even been a week! But can you tell that I'm feeling just slightly apprehensive?

Also, on the menu for the blog that is - My fitness struggle, What's in the news?, and Crazy thoughts of the day.

Is there anything else that you would like to read about?

Evolution

Happy 2 year blog anniversary to me! And 300th post!

A few other stats which I found interesting:

I’ve had 36,134 site visits, 2,217 profile views, and 1,673 comments.

So every one who has ever come to visit and especially for all who have left me a comment, thank you!

My little blog started because I had so many things rolling around in my head regarding infertility. It at first was avoiding my physical and mental explosion, then it turned into a chronicle of our infertility treatments and ode to our unborn child(ren), and it eventually reverted back to my pensieve.

All in all, it has been my cathartic therapy and you all my care givers in a difficult time.

During an interview, I had someone say to me, “You are what you present yourself to be. There is no hiding with you.” I was initially shocked by this assessment after taking a personality test – because it was so true. For the past two years, this blog has been me - reflective, sad, mournful, and one dimensional.

Since stopping treatment, nine months ago, I realized that I am more than my infertility; but, at the same time, I had forgotten who that was. With the help of T, I’ve been able to recapture a bit of myself.

In the spirit that time heals all wounds, I’ve come to a conclusion that my whole is greater than my sum of my parts. As a result, I am planning on nurturing all of my parts.

To be clear, I would describe myself in the following words:

American, baker, blogger, brown eyed, brunette, calligraphist, Catholic, college grad, cousin, crafter, daughter, Democrat, ditzy, evolving, fair, feminist, friend, granddaughter, law abiding, lover of history, infertile, inquisitive, Liberal, kitty momma, multi-lingual, niece, paralegal, Portuguese, quick to laugh, reader, shoe aficionado, straight shooter, sister, strong, student, tall, thoughtful, traveler, wife, woman, yogi.

Ultimately, infertility will always be a part of me, hence a part of this blog. However, I will be focusing more on my other parts. And I know this is the right choice for me. Since making this decision, I've had to put myself on hold on blogging, I actually have five posts written - I wanted this post to be my 300th - the official turning point. But, I realized I have so much to talk about (books, the news, cooking, yoga, etc.).

I realize that by venturing outside the IF community, I may come across individuals who have strong beliefs against ART. As a result, I’ve only listed non-infertility blogs that interest me or password protected blogs (that I am unable to access thru G**gle reader). Please note, I’ve transferred my previous list and will continue to read and comment.

Truly, I hope that you will continue to read, comment, and get to know a little bit more about me. But, I will also understand if you decide not to.

Please know that I don’t believe in change for the sake of change, but I do believe in evolution. To me, this is the beginning of mine, my evolution to my new self. Knowing where I’ve come from, knowing my separate parts, and knowing that I am greater than all of my parts. (May be this is what it means for me to live without children?)

Thank you and welcome – I hope you stay for another two years and 300 posts.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear Dianne,
Happy Birthday to you!

My 32nd. For some reason, I'm hopeful in what it will bring.

If you need a good laugh, my dear T got me this, perfect for the girl who gets lost in her home town! (By the way, it isn't exactly the one he got, but you get the point.)

Remember, my next post on Friday, will commemorate my 2nd blogaversary and 300th post! WOO HOO!

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

to see a few friends! And I'm very excited.

Things I realized today:

1. My 2 year blog anniversary is June 13th; and
2. This is my 296 post!

So, planning a post for June 13th that will cellebrate my 2 years and commerate my 300th post. Excited? Do you feel the anticipation?

Also, don't get worried if you see some changes on the blog. I finally created a feed - much easier to read. So, I'm doing a little editing.

Lastly, please don't click for AMS's new "best day ever"!

The Damage

Well ladies, since I dragged you into my quest, I think I should notify you of my loot. Everything was on sale!

The loot: 3 pairs of jeans (Mavi, DKNY, and Seven), pair of sneakers, 3 pairs of khakis, a purse, and 6 tops.

I think I'm not allowed to go shopping for a long while. Good thing that this is unusual for me.

So much for not owning designer jeans...but when they were on sale and cheaper than no name brands...it was hard to pass up on the deal!

Distractions

T has gone on his boy's vacation to Argentina. So what is a girl to do? I went shoe shopping. Actually it was unintentional. I went to P*yless at lunch and struck pay dirt (three pairs). I love cute flats. Perfect for work in my very casual office.

So, a question for you ladies/gents. (Not discriminating - I'll take all the help I can get and from anyone.) I am in desperate need of new jeans. And the ones I swore by (J. Cr*w) are no longer working or that they are just worn (too many washes). But, since the internet has helped me in the past, I thought I'd ask you all. What are your favorite brands for jeans?

Especially if you are 5 feet 9 inches, average weight, with no hips, and plenty of butt (baby got back!). :)

Thank you in advance for your help!

Easter 2008

Last year in anticipation of Easter I wrote this post.

It is funny what a difference a year makes. Last year, I was anxiety ridden over an invite to a friends’ home because I didn’t know how to answer the questions. This year, I could careless if they ask the question. Now, I have such a different knee jerk reaction. I will gladly answer it – truthfully.

“Oh we tried for years. We tried medications and procedures. No, we haven’t tried IVF. Mostly because I was not emotionally ready to go thru that procedure. We’ve decided to take a year off. We are trying out “living childfree.” And right now it seems to fit nicely. We will see how it goes.”

And if they have more questions, I have answers now.

Maybe my new found confidence has come from two separate incidents. Let me tell you about them.

Scene: New Year’s Eve. We were at T’s best friend’s home that he shares with his wife (my friend K) and four children. Another couple was there with their youngest. The conversation went like this:

Woman: How long have you two been married?
Me: Five years.
Woman: Do you have children? (Accompanied with look of judgment.)
Me: We tried for about three years.
T: Now, we are trying to see how life would be without kids.
Woman: Oh. (Look of horror.)
Me: (Serves you right.)

Scene: T’s Grandmother’s deathbed. T’s cousin (a new father to a 10 month old boy) came to pay his respects and begins to boast about his son. He turns to T and asks so when will you two try?

T: We did, for a long time.
C: Oh, how long?
Aunt: Did you try IVF?
Me: Three years. We did everything but. It is the next step procedurally.
T: We are taking the year off. And we will figure out what we want to do then. IVF, adopt or live without children.
Aunt: But you never know, you’re young.
Me: We have less than 0.02% chance conceiving naturally.
Aunt: Oh. (Looking at me with horror.)

I guess, I am at the point where I almost want people to ask the question. So that I can be honest, and make them feel as uncomfortable as they make me feel. This isn’t the nice side of Dianne. Oh well!

On that note, enjoy your Easter Holiday. And may it be full with love, blessings, and holiness.

Update

Erin asked for me to share. The truth is I don’t feel like I have much to share, and at the same time so much.

It is really my mind set that is changing. During TTC, EVERY decision was preempted with the question “What if I’m pregnant?”

As a result, we never would have booked a trip 10 months and a year away. I would of considered it a gamble. We actually passed on a trip to Italy, offered to us the first month we were trying and I still regret not going. It has been 31/2 years, and I still have that regret.

So since this is the year is turning into the year of refocusing, I thought I’d give some updates on my new year’s resolutions too:

1. The Business. The name, policies, and the logistics are complete. Currently, I am completing my samples. And it is taking me a while longer than I expected, because I am a bit of a perfectionist.
2. Gym: I’ve failed miserably. Between crazy work hours and being sick for most of the month of February – I haven’t made it as much as I wanted to. But, hoping that I will be able to really get into this soon.
3. Zone Diet: I have started to reintroduce it, but I have nothing to show for it. I think this is because I need to really get to the gym!
4. Finances. We’ve refinanced and consolidated. Made arrangements for better savings. It is coming together.

And for a little bit more random, I have an update on my Acne post. Well, the product I started back in November was OK, but it left me with some acne. It obviously wasn’t the perfect solution.

Ellen, about a month back ago did a meme that boasted about Pr*activ. I had always shied away because I have dry skin. But, then I started hearing an add for their Green Tea Moisturizer, so I thought what do I have to loose?

I have been using the stuff for about a week today, and all of the acne I had is vanishing, as well as, my blackheads. I wish that I had done a before shot, because it is really amazing.

Ultimately, things are going well :).

My Selfish Phase

When we first started to conceive, my first impulse was to talk to my friend S. She and her husband were married a few months before T and I. I tried to convince her that it may be time for her and B, to start trying.* See, I didn’t want to go down the road of parenthood alone. S turned to me and said, “I’m still in my selfish phase.”

To be honest, I didn’t understand the answer. “Selfish phase” I rolled it around my head and filed it away. Well, because we were going to be parents. I had something to plan for. I couldn’t be selfish. I had to prepare for the maybe baby.

I laugh at myself now. See, I had a plan of what a parent should be like. It was a combination of my own imagination and my own parents’ examples. But, it was an idea that my life is not my own. It is for my child. And once we started to conceive, I started to live my life that way.

Everything I did was for the maybe baby. The car I drive is a mommy’s car. My job could always be reduced hours and is near my parents. Two of the main reasons I took the position six months in to trying to conceive. It was chance that I really like my job. (Thank G-d!) Everything I did with the intent of “when we have children.”

During the three years of trying to conceive, we took breaks. But, they were breaks with hope. Of still monitoring ovulation and hoping against hope that it would happen by accident – al naturale. Those breaks were still full of anxiety, monitoring, and wishing. I was never able to find my sanity or self.

This break, with the help of the pill, is the only time that the “if” is out of the equation. It has been the only time which I have been able to breathe, regain my sanity and focus. I feel like I am regaining myself. The self before trying with knowledge of infertility.

That knowledge is what makes me feel more comfortable in this stage. Life without children, well, it has advantages and I am starting to like them. I am starting to do things for myself, for us, without the thought of what if. Taking the “if” out of the equation has brought me a great sense of security, peace.

I think I am entering my selfish phase.

But, I don’t think I will ever want to leave it. I know what lies in wait for me, if I leave it. I worries me, how comfortable I am becoming.

*S and B are the proud parents of a beautiful little eight month old girl.

Who me?

I've been busy. All good things. But busy.

For the past couple of weeks I've been planning and putting together samples for my Calligraphy business. I've started a site and ordered business cards! (I'll share the site once it is more put together.)

On Saturday, I took a refresher class. Actually during the class my teacher was very encouraging. I told her that I had been doing this for about six years, but that I wanted to take a class to be sure I was doing it right. By the end of the class, she was telling me I could teach the class. Who me? Never thought of teaching, but if the opportunity comes up, it would be fun. Guess what, the woman who heads the various programs called me this week. Not sure if this an opportunity knocking or her calling to tell me that I forgot to pay for something. :) We keep on playing phone tag.

Then on Wednesday, we have our empl*yee of the year awards announced. Guess who won? Yeah, I did for my larger group. The C*mpany wide empl*yee of the entire company announcement happens later - I doubt it. Still I was shocked and very flattered. I got to read some of the nice things my fellow co-workers had to say about me and I was very overwhelmed.

It is just really nice to be noticed.

The Flip Side

Thank you for your comments on that last post. And for the huge insight. I hadn't completely realized that I was grieving in those moments. I know, duh? I never said I was the brightest bulb in the pack.

I realized that for the past two years, from the moment I heard the doctor say, "You are clearly not ovulating." I've been grieving. And many of those thoughts and feelings have made it on to this blog. So I was surprised when I realized that I wasn't done yet.

Actually, looking from the outside, I am justified in feeling that way. Considering, besides you all and my therapist, I've never been given permission to grieve.

On Mel's Friday Blog Roundup she mentioned Julia from I Won't Fear Love and this beautiful post. It may sound silly, but I wish that my religion allowed for a period of grieving such as Julia described. It must be validating and comforting that you are given permission to grieve to mourn. That to me must be invaluable. But, alas, I am sure her Jewish religion (like my own) wouldn't allow me to grieve the idea/dream of my fertility. Well, since I've never been pregnant, I technically don't have a person to grieve, just the idea of it all.

But, I am digressing. Since the point of this post is to say, that those moments are just that moments.

For the most part, I am very happy with our decision to stop treatments. I am mulling the thought of living childfree, and for the most part, it feels right. I feel comforted especially after a chaotic holiday with kids and my husband running around, or a really loud interaction with a friend's family with four kids. For the most part, I leave those situations and think, maybe I wasn't cut out to be a Mom.

I kind of like:

the quiet.
to wake up when I want.
to go on vacation to where I would like and on my own schedule.
not to worry that I have to work this weekend.
my freedom.

In those moments I look more closely and realize that I like the life we have. And after replenishing our savings. Getting to a point that I am comfortable financially - since the treatments and my search for a change have left us looking for refuge. And be able to live the life I want to live.

Like:

be able to fullfill my top ten travel spots. (Italy, Israel, Hawaii, Australia, Alaska, China, Japan, Fuji, Russia, and South Africa)
buy a sports car.
be able to save for a retirement home, since we won't need a huge house and we can buy a smaller primary home.

All of those things, well, they make me happy.

Now that I am just focusing on my plan B - it isn't that bad. I know that I am far from determining what that exactly will be, but I have started to mold it. All I will say for now, it has possibility. And it that is good.

Moments

A few moments to myself...and a thought that won't leave me, hoping I can remove it by placing it here.

For the most part the decision to stop treatments has been good. It has allowed me to focus on other things. Life. You know the things I have and enjoy. And allowed me to forget all the self imposed silly things I did to help myself get pregnant (one caffeinated drink a day, sleeping only on my left side, not drinking or eating anything that I didn't know what it was, etc.). Forget the daily draws, shots, worries of not enough eggs, or not enough sperm. If that twinge was it. All of my neurosis seem to have stopped with the end of treatments. I feel more me; ballanced, calm, and clear minded.

But then I have my moments of wondering if we have done the right thing...

Moments when I am walking in to the hospital to see a friend and her new baby and my chest constricts. I start thinking breath. It will be all right. You want to see so and so. You want to see the new baby. You hold the baby. And see your husband looking at you. Tears are on your mind and yet they are not allowed.

Moments when you go to see your husband's grandmother in the nursing home. When you see how miserable she is, because she has alienated every child she has. And you think that her life would be so much happier if she decided to be happy, if she didn't fight so much. You realize that you will be in a nursing home. And there will be no one to visit. I will have to remember my own advice, you have to choose to be happy.

Moments when you go and visit with friends and their kids. Kids who call you Aunt and your husband Uncle. Kids that you would give your right arm for. And you look over and your husband is reading to the three year old.

Moments when your heart breaks because what you want most isn't happening and wont happen unless more treatments become the plan. Moments that you should be happy and for the most part are, but you always have to fight tears on your way home. Because you are happy for their blessings, you love their blessings, but you still want your own.

Luggage

Let me start off by saying, I fell positive and happy in our current situation. And to borrow a visual from Pamela Jeanne I feel like my baggage has been getting lighter. Maybe airport personnel are taking emptying them out. The items that have been going are all items they can keep: anger, bitterness, sadness, hopelessness, and grief.

These days I’m feeling free of those things and I feel great. I’m happy. On Tuesday a co-worker commented that I looked fantastic. She was attributing it to a new hair cut, the laser surgery and few days off. But, I know it was more than that, it was my feeling of peace and calm that I’ve found in the last few weeks.

This feeling started about three weeks after my first pill. It was the first time that I realized I had no idea what cycle day I was on nor did I care. The freedom only progressed. It was so liberating to know that I couldn’t get pregnant. It was power, because in three years it was the first time I felt the slightest bit of control over my body and my life.

Then the knowledge that we weren’t trying for a year started to sink in. But, it mostly was a great peaceful feeling of regaining my life. So, I joined a gym and remembered how good it felt to run on an elliptical and sweat. It felt so cleansing – it felt like I was ridding myself of all the toxins which formed in the last three years.

Taking this feeling to the next step, I’ve started to think about my life without the equation which had been burned into my head since childhood - when I have kids. Instead, I’m focusing more on T and I. And planning for my next step career wise, meaning what can I do to better myself in my career for the future? I’ve been looking into taking certifications, and how to better myself. Also, I’m mulling around the idea of starting a side business – Calligraphy. And looking at different programs to volunteer my time.

There is just so much I’ve put on hold. And it is liberating to feel as if I can branch out. It is like I’m realizing that I have the space to move and to spread out. I was so constricted by my infertility – so limited. I’ve been realizing how much the future has no limits.

Unfortunately, every time I think I’m completely free of those lost things, I get a knock on the door that they have found my lost item. So I am left holding the door with all my force and saying “I DON’T WANT IT BACK!”

I’m hoping that they loose my forwarding address.

I can see!

So, the laser surgery went very, very, very well. I go in tomorrow for my check-up and were they will remove the bandages (clear contacts) and give me my current vision. I can tell you it is perfect, if not nearly perfect. But substantially better than my -7.00 and -6.00 original vision. I'm really content.

But, I am late! Since I've been away from the computer, I missed something important! And if you all could help me redeem myself I would greatly appreciate it. Mel, at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters has been nominated for a special blog award. If you could find the time to click on this link and vote for her. Well, it would fantastic! Especially considering the national coverage this could potentially provide fertility patients. So please click and vote. Unfortunately, I'm a little late and we have until November 8th - tomorrow. So if you haven't and you have found this in time - please click. FYI, it is just in time to NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), let's increase IF/pg loss awareness by having our community win!

I can see the wonderful potential, can't you?

P.S. I'll be back next week. Celebrating our five year anniversary!

Interesting....very interesting.

You Are The Moon

You represent the unconscious side of life, what happens in dreams. You are capable of great genius - but also of great madness. Emotions tend to be primal for you, both your fears and your fantasies. Your intuition is always right, listening to it is the difficult part. Your fortune: You are about to embark on a very important journey - and a very difficult one. Some of your deepest dreams will be realized, as well as some of your deepest nightmares. Follow your creativity and visions; stay away from your weaknesses. You are taking a voyage to the center of yourself, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what you discover.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Thank you

Again, I am very grateful to you all. Still a little bit scared, but I know it is illogical. Actually, (looking shamefully into the computer) I called the doctor's office and asked. Permanently uncorrectible vision is less than one percent and loss of complete vision is less than that. So, I must look at the positive and learn to trust.

And this whole battle within is ironically funny since I can see it being good for me in so many levels. Because this procedure has a potential to give me a little more confidence in my body. That it is possible for it to do something correctly. To help me learn to trust it again.

No matter how much I fear loss of control, I fear my body just as much. This procedure causes both of these neurosis to come up. Not to mention, that it requires me to trust a Doctor. Goodness, no wonder I am so freaked out. It isn't like I have the naivete of pre-RE. I can't say that I am as trusting as I once was when it comes to the medical community. Learned thru that experience, it is my responsibility to be the aggressive and knowlegeable patient.

This surgery is something that I should absolutely do. It is something that would be stupid for me not to do, especially if FEAR is the reason for not doing it (not to mention control or trust issues). Honestly, fear can be good, so can control, and skeptisism. But, irrational anything well is irrational. All of these feelings baffle me.

Granted, I've never been a risk taker, but I don't know if I've ever been this irrational about something. When I ONLY know of good out comes. When I know the chance is so small of something going wrong. When the good out weighs the bad.

Experience changes us and hopefully this experience will be so positive that it will be spring board to get rid of the irrational. For more positive change. Change, for the most part, I really like change. More on that later.

Freaking Out!

Now, I know that this mostly an irrational fear. But, I am affraid of becoming blind from my surgery on Friday. Now, I know - irrational. I G*ogled and it didn't come up with any testimonies of such. (Although in my craziness, I quickly thought, how would they be able to communicate via the computer if they were blind?) And the doctor only provided a less than 1% statistic that this would happen.

My irrational brain quickly goes to the fact that I more often than not fall in that less than positive statistic. PCOS 1 in 15 or 16-25%, annovulatory PCOS, treated with Clomid 80% ovulate and 40% get pregnant, IUI, and still no baby. But on the bright side (for lack of a better term) Clomid, I did ovulate and it was only 40% chance of pregnancy, and my IUIs only provided a 20% chance each - I definitely fell on the high side of those statistics.

But, I've had strange things happen to me that are slightly uncommon. I've had a tooth filled with a metal filling and a resign filling and an electric spark resulted every time I flossed that tooth. The odds, less than three percent.

I'm a little worried. Please, please, please delurk and provide me all the positive vibes. Send me good hopes. Send me your positive stories. Tell me it will be all right. Because I know this is irrational.

Who needs scary movies or Halloween spookyness? I have my own head.

Happy Halloween to all! And thank you very much for your comments to my previous post. I tried my new stuff and so far so good. It didn't leave it very dry. But, I plan to use your suggestions if it doesn't work.

Did I tell you about…

my fiasco with my flex spending account?

It started last year, enrollment time. I looked at the program, looked at the reference sites, and called people. Everyone was saying the same thing. “Of course you can use it for insurance premiums.”

Unfortunately, the pit of my stomach was queasy. It could be the large amount of money I was allocating that was non-refundable, that I didn’t feel was properly documented. It could be that people where brushing my concerns aside. It could be that I called my program administrator and she was absolutely positive that it was covered, but had NOTHING to back it up. I’d ask for a list, and was sent to the administrator and the administrator sent me to the internal administrator.

Well, two months into the program, I got a rejection for my reimbursement. I called again. What I got was, “Oh, I didn’t understand you meant insurance premiums. Our plan doesn’t cover that.” And the fact that I explained in detail what I was doing, never gave you an idea that I meant insurance premiums!”

I won’t bore you with what transpired after that, but I was irate to say the least. After well worded emails and telephone calls, unless I wanted to find a lawyer and pursue legal action – since I like my job - I wanted/needed another solution.

In nine months, I submitted everything under the sun to receive reimbursements. And I only managed to use half of the amount. While we were cycling, I had secret hopes of getting pregnant, and have it be used towards OB co-pays and other expenses. But, I didn’t get pregnant. We decided to take a break.

There are only two more months to use our left over money or we will loose it.

So, did I tell you that both my mother and sister have both gotten eye corrective surgery in the last few months? They can’t stop raving. Did I tell you that my eyes are really bad? T has been telling me to get L*SIK done for YEARS. That I have only been putting it off – just incase I got pregnant because my eyes could change with a pregnancy.

In my practical, trying to kill two birds with one stone approach to life, I found a way to use the money and help me learn to live life without the if/when we have a baby equation.

So, my surgery is scheduled on Friday the 2nd. A week from today! I’m a little nervous about the procedure to say the least. I have no expectations over the results. My eyes are really bad, so bad that I don’t qualify for L*SIK, but I do for L*SEK. (A slightly different procedure that is just as successful and less chance of complications but a longer recovery time. So I may not be reading for several days – maybe up to a week.)

And even though, my fear is very real. I’ve decided to do this. Or as T says, “Unless I can buy a therapeutic g*n for the money in that account, you are getting that surgery!”

For the time being I am trying to breathe, meditate and relax over the procedure. Also, I am going to ignore that because of the flex fiasco, I used more money on medical expenses than I possibly want to admit. (Hoping we can use towards our taxes.) And focus on, goodness, I may able to see without glasses, contacts, or both in a week!