Friday, November 16, 2007
Let me start off by saying, I fell positive and happy in our current situation. And to borrow a visual from Pamela Jeanne I feel like my baggage has been getting lighter. Maybe airport personnel are taking emptying them out. The items that have been going are all items they can keep: anger, bitterness, sadness, hopelessness, and grief.
These days I’m feeling free of those things and I feel great. I’m happy. On Tuesday a co-worker commented that I looked fantastic. She was attributing it to a new hair cut, the laser surgery and few days off. But, I know it was more than that, it was my feeling of peace and calm that I’ve found in the last few weeks.
This feeling started about three weeks after my first pill. It was the first time that I realized I had no idea what cycle day I was on nor did I care. The freedom only progressed. It was so liberating to know that I couldn’t get pregnant. It was power, because in three years it was the first time I felt the slightest bit of control over my body and my life.
Then the knowledge that we weren’t trying for a year started to sink in. But, it mostly was a great peaceful feeling of regaining my life. So, I joined a gym and remembered how good it felt to run on an elliptical and sweat. It felt so cleansing – it felt like I was ridding myself of all the toxins which formed in the last three years.
Taking this feeling to the next step, I’ve started to think about my life without the equation which had been burned into my head since childhood - when I have kids. Instead, I’m focusing more on T and I. And planning for my next step career wise, meaning what can I do to better myself in my career for the future? I’ve been looking into taking certifications, and how to better myself. Also, I’m mulling around the idea of starting a side business – Calligraphy. And looking at different programs to volunteer my time.
There is just so much I’ve put on hold. And it is liberating to feel as if I can branch out. It is like I’m realizing that I have the space to move and to spread out. I was so constricted by my infertility – so limited. I’ve been realizing how much the future has no limits.
Unfortunately, every time I think I’m completely free of those lost things, I get a knock on the door that they have found my lost item. So I am left holding the door with all my force and saying “I DON’T WANT IT BACK!”
I’m hoping that they loose my forwarding address.