Let me start off by saying, I fell positive and happy in our current situation. And to borrow a visual from Pamela Jeanne I feel like my baggage has been getting lighter. Maybe airport personnel are taking emptying them out. The items that have been going are all items they can keep: anger, bitterness, sadness, hopelessness, and grief.
These days I’m feeling free of those things and I feel great. I’m happy. On Tuesday a co-worker commented that I looked fantastic. She was attributing it to a new hair cut, the laser surgery and few days off. But, I know it was more than that, it was my feeling of peace and calm that I’ve found in the last few weeks.
This feeling started about three weeks after my first pill. It was the first time that I realized I had no idea what cycle day I was on nor did I care. The freedom only progressed. It was so liberating to know that I couldn’t get pregnant. It was power, because in three years it was the first time I felt the slightest bit of control over my body and my life.
Then the knowledge that we weren’t trying for a year started to sink in. But, it mostly was a great peaceful feeling of regaining my life. So, I joined a gym and remembered how good it felt to run on an elliptical and sweat. It felt so cleansing – it felt like I was ridding myself of all the toxins which formed in the last three years.
Taking this feeling to the next step, I’ve started to think about my life without the equation which had been burned into my head since childhood - when I have kids. Instead, I’m focusing more on T and I. And planning for my next step career wise, meaning what can I do to better myself in my career for the future? I’ve been looking into taking certifications, and how to better myself. Also, I’m mulling around the idea of starting a side business – Calligraphy. And looking at different programs to volunteer my time.
There is just so much I’ve put on hold. And it is liberating to feel as if I can branch out. It is like I’m realizing that I have the space to move and to spread out. I was so constricted by my infertility – so limited. I’ve been realizing how much the future has no limits.
Unfortunately, every time I think I’m completely free of those lost things, I get a knock on the door that they have found my lost item. So I am left holding the door with all my force and saying “I DON’T WANT IT BACK!”
I’m hoping that they loose my forwarding address.
10 comments:
WOW that is Fantastic!
Great job! You're much further now than I was at your age, and I think it's because you're so much more in tune with the nuance and feeling in your life. Keep it up!
Excellent post! I'm glad you are feeling so vibrant -- keep that spring in your step!
This is the best kind of post. I'm glad you're feeling better. And if you start the calligraphy business, let me know and I'll add it to Shop Mom and Pop. You're still a SQ, sweetie, in my definition, unless you don't want to be. In which that goes out with the luggage too.
D, I could have written your post -- that's exactly the same process that I've been going through for the past few months as well. The part about feeling "constricted" and now feeling like the future isn't bounded is so, so true!
That is a great post. I'm so glad you are starting to feel lighter as the baggage gets lost! It's a good analogy.
I hope the 'airline' loses your address too! You sound wonderful and if that lost luggage is the reason, let it go to the lost and found for someone else to deal with!
It's nice to 'see' you doing so well!
What a great way to look at it. We do put so much on hold for IF and it is good to regain some of the control. I'm actually in the opposite situation, we were on hold for so long and now once again I am having to give up that control.
Sounds like you are moving in the right direction!! Amen to that!
I'm so happy for you Dianne -- I love the energy of this post too...I think I'll reread it again...just to soak up some of the positive energy!
Pam
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