When we first started to conceive, my first impulse was to talk to my friend S. She and her husband were married a few months before T and I. I tried to convince her that it may be time for her and B, to start trying.* See, I didn’t want to go down the road of parenthood alone. S turned to me and said, “I’m still in my selfish phase.”
To be honest, I didn’t understand the answer. “Selfish phase” I rolled it around my head and filed it away. Well, because we were going to be parents. I had something to plan for. I couldn’t be selfish. I had to prepare for the maybe baby.
I laugh at myself now. See, I had a plan of what a parent should be like. It was a combination of my own imagination and my own parents’ examples. But, it was an idea that my life is not my own. It is for my child. And once we started to conceive, I started to live my life that way.
Everything I did was for the maybe baby. The car I drive is a mommy’s car. My job could always be reduced hours and is near my parents. Two of the main reasons I took the position six months in to trying to conceive. It was chance that I really like my job. (Thank G-d!) Everything I did with the intent of “when we have children.”
During the three years of trying to conceive, we took breaks. But, they were breaks with hope. Of still monitoring ovulation and hoping against hope that it would happen by accident – al naturale. Those breaks were still full of anxiety, monitoring, and wishing. I was never able to find my sanity or self.
This break, with the help of the pill, is the only time that the “if” is out of the equation. It has been the only time which I have been able to breathe, regain my sanity and focus. I feel like I am regaining myself. The self before trying with knowledge of infertility.
That knowledge is what makes me feel more comfortable in this stage. Life without children, well, it has advantages and I am starting to like them. I am starting to do things for myself, for us, without the thought of what if. Taking the “if” out of the equation has brought me a great sense of security, peace.
I think I am entering my selfish phase.
But, I don’t think I will ever want to leave it. I know what lies in wait for me, if I leave it. I worries me, how comfortable I am becoming.
*S and B are the proud parents of a beautiful little eight month old girl.