Friday, March 28, 2008

How my mind works.

I spent the morning thinking and worrying about taxes. T and I go tonight to get them done and I can’t help but feel that we will get screwed again. Last year felt like a big waste of money. And I have the receipts to prove it.

When I came across Pam’s entry, that has a bit about grieving the biological bond of adoption. And it got my mind rolling about the topic which I’ve been trying to avoid – adoption.

Every time I stumble upon a post about adoption, it haunts me in a way. I want to post or may be it is that I need to post. Mostly because I know that I need to sort my feelings out. But every time I start to put things down, I realize how much I’ve changed since infertility, and it was not all for the better.

The biggest change is my view on adoption for myself. When I look at it from the outside, I think it is admirable on both sides. The birth parents and adoptive parents are equally honorable people. Both are making huge decisions for various reasons. And I admire the whole process. I also acknowledge how much work is involved to be approved and to parent.

And even as recent as October of 2006, I looked at our situation and thought that adoption could our solution. It obviously has better odds than IVF. When you realistically only have money for one or the other…it seems to be the most logical.

But, then Bobby died and then my Grandfather. And more and more I missed them. I realized how badly I wanted that biological connection. Hearing T talk about his father – no doubt that he would love to see his father in his child. The fact that when I imagine our child, I always have them reminding me of their father, grandfathers, grandparents, cousins and everyone else who may have passed but was still in my heart.

The yearning of that biological connection has overpowered my want of a child.

Until I can get over that want, I don’t think adoption is an option for us. I know that if T pushed for it, I would succumb and probably be very happy with that decision.

Also, I wonder if my feelings (although triggered by loss) have been increased because of my parents and family. None of my relatives have been adopted. I come from very large families (one of 21 grandchildren on one side and one of nine on the other). For the most part, my family are full of fertile individuals. The few relatives (four total – 3 second/third cousins and 1 first cousin) that have not been able to conceive have chosen to remain childless.

I wonder?

If the thought that I would be breaking ground **AGAIN** holds me back? To be frank, it hasn’t been easy to break ground with my family. I don’t get emotional support from them. And I worry how they would react to an adoption. I worry how they would behave around my adoptive child. If they could/would accept my adoptive child?

I am painting an ugly picture, I don’t mean to. I’ve learned a long time ago, that I cannot change them and only accept them as they are. Unfortunately, I know their limitations, as well as, I know their lack of filters between their heads and mouths. I know that they are prone for inappropriate comments. It worries me what may be said.

My head is completely confused, my heart has full of fear, no wonder I have no idea what to think. This option is mind boggling for me.

How I wish I could just drink a bottle of wine, have a romp with my husband, and wait 91/2 months. Oh well, I am not one of the lucky.

11 comments:

loribeth said...

(((Dianne))) Thank you for your honesty on a very difficult topic. I share many of your feelings, thoughts & concerns. Adoption is such a complex subject. I've referred in various posts on my own blog as to different reasons why we didn't adopt, but I always feel like I can never quite convey the whole, messy picture (& that even if I could, it would be an inadequate answer). I see how happy adoption has made some people & wish I could have mustered up more enthusiasm for it as an option, but that's not how I feel, & to pretend otherwise would be totally unfair to the child. Just know that you're not alone in having your mind boggled. ; )

Wordgirl said...

Hi Dianne,

I'm just sitting with you today -- over here in the still-frozen midwest....understanding so deeply where you are.

I want to cry. I understand what everyone has said -- that somehow you make peace with the life that unfolds for you -- but some days you just feel

Sad.

Scared.

Thankful for people like you.


Thinking of you,

Pam

Ellen K. said...

I can completely relate. The death of my favorite uncle, and remembering my mom's parents, who died when I was in high school, had much to do with our decision not to adopt. I wanted that genetic link to those I loved. D. and I also discussed his feelings about being in a blended stepfamily, with "blood" relatives considerably favored. I am not particularly proud of these sentiments, but they grew out of much reflection and honesty. I know you are a very reflective, conscious, and conscientious woman and will continue to work out your own path to happiness.

By the way, when I felt bogged down by fear, my friend recommended that I read Harriet Lerner's "Fear and Other Uninvited Guests." It really helped.

The Town Criers said...

I think that choices in life--big life choices--can never be one size fits all. You need to go with your heart because unlike your head, it will never steer you wrong.

Okay, it may steer you wrong once or twice, but not on the really big things.

Ellen K. said...

BTW, you are much braver than I am; several times I've wanted to blog about not adopting and have always been too afraid of others' comments.

Kenna said...

J and I have had endless talks about how we year for a biological child. J's eyes, my nose, grandma's smile... It's been a huge factor in holding off when it comes to adoption. I think it's a completely validated feeling.

Kenya said...

I understand completely. I wanted a piece of my DH so badly. But my sister is also adopted. It made her life better. If you can bring yourself to completely love and give to a stranger you would be able to give a great gift to someone.

dearjenn said...

Dianne- your journey is so much more complex than the one many others (including myself) are lucky enough to take. I cannot tell you how much I admire your spirit and strength. Whatever you choose I have no doubt that it will be right for you.
Jenn

Tiffany said...

I happened upon your blog through a google search for something else but I want to say, I understand much of what you post. I was in the same place 5 years ago. Dh and I were married 10 years before adopting our first daughter. 5 years later, we have 3 beautiful, special additions to our family- all through adoption. We chose to go the international route although have friends who have done domestic and that worked out well too. Of course I can only speak for myself, but in my case, the miracle of adoption ERASED the pain of infertility. I doubted, I hemmed and I hawed. I could not be sure that would happen until it did happen. In the end, our goal was to be parents and I am so glad we kept our eye on the ball. I now see us as super lucky parents to 3 lucky kiddos. We all "saved" eachother.

This is something you can not know unless you adopt but I often thing that this experience (much like I am sure some say about the experience of preg and birth) is so extraordinary that I am actually sorry for those who dont get to experience it.

I wish you all the best as you proceed in whatever way you feel led to proceed.

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