I spent the morning thinking and worrying about taxes. T and I go tonight to get them done and I can’t help but feel that we will get screwed again. Last year felt like a big waste of money. And I have the receipts to prove it.
When I came across Pam’s entry, that has a bit about grieving the biological bond of adoption. And it got my mind rolling about the topic which I’ve been trying to avoid – adoption.
Every time I stumble upon a post about adoption, it haunts me in a way. I want to post or may be it is that I need to post. Mostly because I know that I need to sort my feelings out. But every time I start to put things down, I realize how much I’ve changed since infertility, and it was not all for the better.
The biggest change is my view on adoption for myself. When I look at it from the outside, I think it is admirable on both sides. The birth parents and adoptive parents are equally honorable people. Both are making huge decisions for various reasons. And I admire the whole process. I also acknowledge how much work is involved to be approved and to parent.
And even as recent as October of 2006, I looked at our situation and thought that adoption could our solution. It obviously has better odds than IVF. When you realistically only have money for one or the other…it seems to be the most logical.
But, then Bobby died and then my Grandfather. And more and more I missed them. I realized how badly I wanted that biological connection. Hearing T talk about his father – no doubt that he would love to see his father in his child. The fact that when I imagine our child, I always have them reminding me of their father, grandfathers, grandparents, cousins and everyone else who may have passed but was still in my heart.
The yearning of that biological connection has overpowered my want of a child.
Until I can get over that want, I don’t think adoption is an option for us. I know that if T pushed for it, I would succumb and probably be very happy with that decision.
Also, I wonder if my feelings (although triggered by loss) have been increased because of my parents and family. None of my relatives have been adopted. I come from very large families (one of 21 grandchildren on one side and one of nine on the other). For the most part, my family are full of fertile individuals. The few relatives (four total – 3 second/third cousins and 1 first cousin) that have not been able to conceive have chosen to remain childless.
If the thought that I would be breaking ground **AGAIN** holds me back? To be frank, it hasn’t been easy to break ground with my family. I don’t get emotional support from them. And I worry how they would react to an adoption. I worry how they would behave around my adoptive child. If they could/would accept my adoptive child?
I am painting an ugly picture, I don’t mean to. I’ve learned a long time ago, that I cannot change them and only accept them as they are. Unfortunately, I know their limitations, as well as, I know their lack of filters between their heads and mouths. I know that they are prone for inappropriate comments. It worries me what may be said.
My head is completely confused, my heart has full of fear, no wonder I have no idea what to think. This option is mind boggling for me.
How I wish I could just drink a bottle of wine, have a romp with my husband, and wait 91/2 months. Oh well, I am not one of the lucky.