So much is going on in my head. I am surprised by how well I am doing. Really. I did have several crying jigs. But after a good talk with T, some retail therapy, and a resolution to myself. Well, I feel OK.
Are there times when I am angry? Hell yeah. And if I am honest, I am angry about so many stupid things. The latest are 1. never being able to take maternity leave and always being the one covering for someone on it, and 2. not having an excuse not to clean out the kitty litter.
But what I am most angry with is how I feel cheated by myself. Everything I’ve done in the last five years has been centered around when/if we have kids. Things from my appearance, to the car I drive, to the job I have. Everything has been based on when/if we have kids. The only thing that hasn’t been affected is our current home. Because well we haven’t had any luck in selling it. So, that may have been a frustrating saving grace.
So I resolved to myself that I would take this year to see what our life would be like sans baby. It will involve keeping what I like about my/our current life and to change the things I don’t. Most importantly, to eliminate “if/when we have a baby” as a guideline for any decisions. Instead thinking, will this make me happy? Will this make T happy? Is this a good decision for the both of us? Not factoring that maybe baby, well I hope it will be liberating. It could also give me an idea of what it means to be a childfree couple.
There is so much that I may have missed on because of this mistake. Things that I will always regret, but most of those things can be remedied.
So the start of my resolution started with the retail therapy. I bought three sweaters, a pair of pants, and shoes. And every time the thought came into my mind that these items will be useless if I became pregnant. I laughed, and thought I am going on the pill!
Sunday I plan to shop for a dress to wear for my sister’s rehearsal dinner. Also, I will be stricter with this diet and adding an extra yoga class. My goal to loose 12 more pounds will be accomplished.
Lastly, we decided to lower our asking price on the house because I overestimated our closing costs by $9k! I feel like it is found money! Woo hoo! And I have no want to spend it on treatments.
Ultimately, what I know now, is that I need this more than I can tell you. To forget about it all. To pretend infertility doesn’t exist nor a possibility of a child. I need to regain thinking about me and my husband first and foremost. I guess I am entering my selfish faze.
Hopefully, in this year, I will feel free of this anguished yearning I feel for a child. I’m sure that I’ll need to dissect that in a short time. But today I don’t feel like crying and typing. Instead, I feel like looking forward to the future, because what was murky is clearing up. And I can see a beautiful horizon of possibility.