Thursday, September 27, 2007

Crying and typing?

So much is going on in my head. I am surprised by how well I am doing. Really. I did have several crying jigs. But after a good talk with T, some retail therapy, and a resolution to myself. Well, I feel OK.

Are there times when I am angry? Hell yeah. And if I am honest, I am angry about so many stupid things. The latest are 1. never being able to take maternity leave and always being the one covering for someone on it, and 2. not having an excuse not to clean out the kitty litter.

But what I am most angry with is how I feel cheated by myself. Everything I’ve done in the last five years has been centered around when/if we have kids. Things from my appearance, to the car I drive, to the job I have. Everything has been based on when/if we have kids. The only thing that hasn’t been affected is our current home. Because well we haven’t had any luck in selling it. So, that may have been a frustrating saving grace.

So I resolved to myself that I would take this year to see what our life would be like sans baby. It will involve keeping what I like about my/our current life and to change the things I don’t. Most importantly, to eliminate “if/when we have a baby” as a guideline for any decisions. Instead thinking, will this make me happy? Will this make T happy? Is this a good decision for the both of us? Not factoring that maybe baby, well I hope it will be liberating. It could also give me an idea of what it means to be a childfree couple.

There is so much that I may have missed on because of this mistake. Things that I will always regret, but most of those things can be remedied.

So the start of my resolution started with the retail therapy. I bought three sweaters, a pair of pants, and shoes. And every time the thought came into my mind that these items will be useless if I became pregnant. I laughed, and thought I am going on the pill!

Sunday I plan to shop for a dress to wear for my sister’s rehearsal dinner. Also, I will be stricter with this diet and adding an extra yoga class. My goal to loose 12 more pounds will be accomplished.

Lastly, we decided to lower our asking price on the house because I overestimated our closing costs by $9k! I feel like it is found money! Woo hoo! And I have no want to spend it on treatments.

Ultimately, what I know now, is that I need this more than I can tell you. To forget about it all. To pretend infertility doesn’t exist nor a possibility of a child. I need to regain thinking about me and my husband first and foremost. I guess I am entering my selfish faze.

Hopefully, in this year, I will feel free of this anguished yearning I feel for a child. I’m sure that I’ll need to dissect that in a short time. But today I don’t feel like crying and typing. Instead, I feel like looking forward to the future, because what was murky is clearing up. And I can see a beautiful horizon of possibility.


Waiting Amy said...

I am so glad to hear you had a nice day. I'm sorry for the recent turns of events, but very happy for you that your lovely hubby is on the same page and so supportive.

I totally get the whole making decisions based on "what if." I've been doing that for the last 3 years. I too look forward to the day I can put that behind me (and I think it is soon). It must be liberating, despite the sadness.

I thinking of you and wishing you so much happiness in the future! I hope we will still hear from you sometimes!

Kristen said...

I am glad you were able to have some retail therapy. That always helps me as long as I don't go overboard. It doesn't take the pain away but at least I feel good temporarily.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to step back from something you have devoted your life to for years. It is certainly a test of will.

I am thinking of you and I hope your happiness grows each day you won't have to worry about cycling. XOXO

Susan said...

A see a little ray of sunshine half full. It's all good...

I can related to this a little bit, although for a different thing. I put MY life on hold for 5 years for my ex boyfriend. When I decided to think for myself, I became who I am today, and much happier for it.

It's not the same thing but related. I guess that's why I shared it.

BigP's Heather said...

I don't think it is selfish at all. You are doing what is best for the two of you. I think it is very healing and I am so happy for you guys. When/If you decide to continue with TTC, you will be in a much better place because of this break.

JJ said...

No, no--not selfish at ALL--you need to re-visit what makes you who YOU are, and just hold on tight--I hate that the path is so tough, but I really do hope that this is the best possible choice, and I cant wait to hear about all the awesome stuff you do this year!

AwkwardMoments said...

You are not selfish at all. You are honest. Alot of people mistake that for selfish - but its just being true to your needs! Bring it on Sisterfriend ... run after those beautiful horizons of possiblities

Anonymous said...

"A beautiful horizon of possibility" -- I like that. A lot. Namaste.

Pamela T. said...

You've sacrificed a lot while TTC and now you have an opportunity to regain your balance. To get yourself back to center you'll need to make a few adjustments -- taking care of yourself is essential to get there.

Samantha said...

I agree with the others--being true to yourself is not the same thing as being selfish. Trying to move on from IF will undoubtedly have some extremely difficult moments, and I am glad that you are going to try to look at the world from a different perspective. It's hard to have focused your life around certain goals and now have to change that focus. I think you are taking steps in the right direction.

Anonymous said...

BTW, the book "Sweet Grapes" had a good argument against the "selfish" line of thought. D. especially liked it and has used it in public.

CAM said...

It is not is self preservation. If you don't do what is good for you than you will go crazy.
Stay positive and do what is best for you.

dmarie said...

Good for you! Go find some sunshine :)

Kami said...

Good for you! While I have been able to find happiness in my life while TTC, I haven't been able to get passed making decisions based on when/if we have a child.

May you find lots of peace and happiness!

Anonymous said...