Thursday, September 13, 2007

Take Two

Processing I guess is what I am trying to do.

Not sure why this IUI was more difficult emotionally for me. Oh yeah, this is our last IUI. Today, I realized what those words meant.

T came with me. I was grateful and yet a little worried.

This IUI has been more difficult for him as well. Although we aren't talking about it. Trying to protect each other from our own worries and concerns - fears and sadness. The only thing reconfirmed is that this is too hard for us. That it would be better to be childfree than to continue down this path. We are constants, a maybe baby just isn't. Heck, we have 26 cycles, 4 clomid, and 4 IUIs to prove that. Having a child is not a guarantee.

We go into the room. I drop throw. I'm still feeling fine. Nervous. The nurse comes in. Starts asking us the questions.

Nurse: This is your 3rd injectible IUI.
Me: Yes, it is our fourth IUI.
Nurse: Have you made an appointment with your doctor.
Me: No. This is it. We are done.
Nurse: Oh. Have you thought of IVF?
Me: Yes, we are done.
Nurse: Well there is more than one way to have a child.
Me: Yes we know.
Nurse: Have you thought of adoption?
Me: We are thinking about it. (A total lie. We've decided that it isn't what we want.)
Nurse: The doctor still would want you to come in for an appointment.
Me: Why, an exit interview? (She wouldn't like what I have to say. She wouldn't want to hear my critiques. It would not be glowing. And it isn't because we didn't have a positive out come.)
Nurse: Is it just too stressful for you?
Me: Yes. (Too stressful for us.)
Nurse: Have you thought of counseling?
Me: I've been seeing a counselor since November.
Nurse: Good. I think everyone should see a counselor. She turns to T, I know a lot of guys don't feel comfortable.
Me: He hasn't gone with me. (But the counselor has asked him to come, I'm just too afraid.)
T: I have a great relationship with my counselor. (I smile.)
Nurse: That's great.
T: I've had one since the Gulf.
Nurse: I thought you were joking with me. My husband's counselor is called a board meeting.
**We all laugh.**
Nurse: OK, well. You know your options lets get this show in the road.
**IUI is performed.**
Nurse: Ok little guys, you need to get this job done. Lets go.
**IUI is done.**
Nurse: Call us if you don't get your period for a pregnancy test. Call us regardless, we like to know how things work out.
Me: Silent. Praying she would stop talking, feeling tears in my eyes. Why would I call to tell you I have my period? That was always the worst call. And no I will not be having a meeting with Doctor Callous.
Nurse: Ok, you know the drill. S*x tonight, no ibuprofen, limit your coffee. Good luck, I really hope it works.
Me: Still silent. I look at T.
T: Are you OK?
Me: I'm fine. (A lie. Processing.) We've done everything we could? Right?
T: It isn't over yet.
Me: I know. (But why do I feel like it is?)
T: Besides cruises every year sounds great to me.
Me: (I smile - our consolation prize.) I want a sports car.
T: You can have whatever you want.
Me. (Not everything.)

We get up, and each go to work. I decide to give myself a treat at Starb*cks. Ahh, the wrong time, all the Mommies and Daddies are there.

Start to cry in the car.

The song on the radio after our last IUI. Ironically, the song on the radio during our first monitoring for our last cycle.

How Far We've Come lyrics by Matchb*x Twenty.

Waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every morning before,
now I wonder what my life is going to mean if its gone,
the cars are moving like a half a mile an hour if that
I started staring at the passengers waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time

but I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

Well I, believe, its all, coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

I think its turning to a crock but I don't really know
I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there was no where to run to
I sat down on the street and took a look at myself
said where you going you know the world is heading for hell
say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come


Unknown said...

Fingers crossed oh so very tightly for you, Dianne. I hope and pray that this one will work for you.

LJ said...

I understand what you were feeling, I had the same thoughts after our last IUI. It's hard, taking that step. It is hard, continuing...That nurse though. I am sure she meant well, but jeez.

JJ said...

I am just SO hopeful for you....

Anonymous said...

I remember our last IUI, lying on that table with legs in the air, dignity abandoned, tears in my eyes. Thinking this is just not the way it is supposed to be. I cried all the way home too. And it didn't work. And I cried some more.

We have since gotten off that train and we are just back to being ourselves again, good old fashioned BD. I know its different for us, we have one child so we are already parents, but the pain I feel runs so deep and accepting our situation as it is... has been super hard. Knowing that our next child will come at his/her own time or may not ever come. Just accepting that we can try so hard and use every technology mankind has available and in the end it is the soul of the child that must be ready for US. Not US ready for the child. That's just my belief though, but it gives me peace.

Your post today made me cry. For you, for me, for all of us.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you got Nurse Nosy today -- not exactly what you needed, huh?

I'm praying and crossing my fingers for you. I think you were very brave today, even if you didn't feel like it. You'll be in my thoughts during the 2ww.

Anonymous said...

This post brought back a lot of memories. You're in my thoughts these next 2 weeks.

Samantha said...

It's so difficult to be at peace knowing this is the last time, no matter what. You're very brave, and I hope things will work out for you.

Fat Girl said...

This post made me choke up. I really hope this IUI works. You sound so defeated. You are definitely in my thoughts!

Pamela T. said...

This post so completely sums up how hard it is to face up to the hands we've been dealt. I really do hope that this works for you and T.

I know, too, how hard it was to face the mommies and daddies at Starbucks so oblivious to your circumstances.

Just know that I have the hottest sports car, and the best dh on the planet. There's peace in knowing that you've done what you can and that the support is out there when and if you need it.

Fingers and toes crossed that the consolation prize isn't required!

PCOSMama said...

Don't people tend to call their sports cars their babies? Maybe there's more to it than we ever knew...

Seriously though, I truly hope this works for you. I don't want to give you false hope, but I'd like to give you a little encouragement - aside from the other likenesses about your current cycle with our last one that worked, that was also the only IUI my husband was ever there for, and it was also likely our last one before making a decision on IVF (which we probably weren't doing). Oh, and a woman did my last IUI too. Hopefully all these similarities will add up to the same result!
I'll definitely be keeping everything crossed for you!

PCOSMama said...

One more thing - despite the wonderful treat of a yummy coffee after an IUI (let's ignore all the mommies&daddies), I firmly believe that the caffeine gives the spermies some extra oomph! ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh Dianne, I am praying so hard for you. T sounds great--I wish my DH had even half of his attitude and comforting ways! You stay strong and know that all of us out here are hoping for you.

Hope said...

Praying for you. We'll get through the horrible 2ww together. Praying for both of us.

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