On Tuesday, the nurse called. "Are you OK proceeding with the IUI because you are at risk for High Order Multiples (HOM)?"
I held my breath. I stopped breathing. The world went still. My mind began to race:
Flashed back to the call with another nurse a few months ago. She tells me that I could either cancel or do IVF. I chose to cancel. Because we hadn't decided on IVF. We had not made our moral decision. I had not read up on Catholic Doctrine.
Since doing those things, I've regretted not switching, not converting. I've thought of that cycle and wondered if that was our missed opportunity? If that was an open door, that we didn't use? After all, the Doctrine was rubbish to me. The only issue that held true, is what to do with the remainding eggs? Assuming there would be any. That cycle, there were only 8 follicles. The probability of having extra, very slim. It was a chance. And I said no.
How ironic that I just talked about this with S. My answer was that four still had a chance; more than that I thought it was irresponsible. HOM is not something I take lightly. It isn't exactly the best thing for a child. To have that many in there. They need room, nourishment, gestation, etc.; all of those things are shortened or lessened with HOM. My pause continued.
But, we are over our insurance funds. We had to find money for this cycle. And I am feeling desperate. I want a baby. And know that I (we) don't have the emotional reserves for another cycle.
My thoughts continued, I would love twins. Yes, I would even be good with triplets. (I can hear T yelling at me from 20 miles away.) But, I really would.
I am tall enough to carry triplets. The odds of all four fertilizing are next to none. When considering I've had one to two eggs each IUI. And they have all failed. Whats the probability of having all four? Next to none. God isn't that cruel, but is that nature? Maybe he has nothing to do with that decision.
The nurse asked. "Are you still there? Did I loose you?" I quickly answered, "Still here, that's fine. I just had to pause."
Yes, I believe I have become a gambler.