Friday, September 14, 2007

Are you still there?

On Tuesday, the nurse called. "Are you OK proceeding with the IUI because you are at risk for High Order Multiples (HOM)?"

I held my breath. I stopped breathing. The world went still. My mind began to race:

Flashed back to the call with another nurse a few months ago. She tells me that I could either cancel or do IVF. I chose to cancel. Because we hadn't decided on IVF. We had not made our moral decision. I had not read up on Catholic Doctrine.

Since doing those things, I've regretted not switching, not converting. I've thought of that cycle and wondered if that was our missed opportunity? If that was an open door, that we didn't use? After all, the Doctrine was rubbish to me. The only issue that held true, is what to do with the remainding eggs? Assuming there would be any. That cycle, there were only 8 follicles. The probability of having extra, very slim. It was a chance. And I said no.

How ironic that I just talked about this with S. My answer was that four still had a chance; more than that I thought it was irresponsible. HOM is not something I take lightly. It isn't exactly the best thing for a child. To have that many in there. They need room, nourishment, gestation, etc.; all of those things are shortened or lessened with HOM. My pause continued.

But, we are over our insurance funds. We had to find money for this cycle. And I am feeling desperate. I want a baby. And know that I (we) don't have the emotional reserves for another cycle.

My thoughts continued, I would love twins. Yes, I would even be good with triplets. (I can hear T yelling at me from 20 miles away.) But, I really would.

I am tall enough to carry triplets. The odds of all four fertilizing are next to none. When considering I've had one to two eggs each IUI. And they have all failed. Whats the probability of having all four? Next to none. God isn't that cruel, but is that nature? Maybe he has nothing to do with that decision.

The nurse asked. "Are you still there? Did I loose you?" I quickly answered, "Still here, that's fine. I just had to pause."

Yes, I believe I have become a gambler.

7 comments:

PCOSMama said...

You have to figure that though there is always a risk of HOM, generally that risk is pretty low. The odds of more than 1 or 2 eggs fertilizing are very low (I don't remember stats but I remember the odds were low, though your E2 level may be a better indicator). I also looked at it the same way you did in regards to not getting pregnant when there had been 2 or 3 possible eggs before so I figured that more eggs just means more chance that ONE will fertilize. And if 2 did, great! We were also ok with 3 though it would have been very hard and scary (I'm a tall, large frame woman so I figured there was a little extra room).
Hopefully you won't be one of the small percentage that all of them fertilize on! I say keep thinking positive - that more eggs just means more chance one or two will become babies!

Adrienne said...

As you said, the chances of all four are very, very slim. I think you weighed the odds, weighed the outcomes, and made a very rational choice.

(But please don't beat yourself up for not converting to IVF. Hindsight is painful, not helpful, and if you were meant to complete that cycle, then you would have. End of story.)

Best of luck with this IUI, Dianne. I have such hope for you.

Sticky Bun said...

I second Adrienne wholeheartedly!

And, our doc (the one we now really like) says he likes to stimulate to get 4 follies on an iui--his thought is that anything less (which is what we always had) didn't increase the chances to make iui worth it v. just trying naturally. (Unless there was a count or motility problem.) So, I definitely understand your worry, but it sounds like you made a very sensible decision.

And, most importantly, I hope that your odds for this cycle are FABULOUS.

Sunny said...

I would have done the same thing! FINGERS CROSSED!

CAM said...

The more the merrier!!
:)
Good luck, I'll be checking back in on you...

Samantha said...

I hope the right number of eggs fertilize. It's easy to second-guess your decision from before. It's done, so try not to dwell on it, you did what was best for you at the time. There just aren't any certainties in this game. It's always a gamble.

Nica said...

Asked the BVM to help out. (I HAVE read catholic doctrine on IF).

Good luck.