Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I wish I could say I wasn't

But I'm angry.

Angry that my Clinic only reaches out to me with this cycle. After I've told them it is our last cycle. When they won't be seeing me any longer or getting any of my money.

Angry at my Mother for making the following statement, "Yeah, your wedding (my sister) is the only thing going on." After my sister was trying to find out if I was OK.

Angry that their are places to mourn children (which there should be), but since I never got pregnant - I don't even have that.

Angry that every single celebrity can get pregnant just like that. Heck, I'm a little angry lately when anyone gets pregnant easily. Especially people who have mistreated their bodies.

Angry when someone cuts in front of me, because in my illogical mind it is symbolic of everyone cutting in front of me of the baby line.

***

On a different note, I am also very lucky. Because I have the best husband ever. He realized that I'm not ready to go forward with anything, but that I'm also not ready to say I'm done. He is OK with either. So, we are taking a break for a year and revisiting it all then.

In the meantime, I'm trying to find out if I can get on birth control so that I can control my anger, weight, and acne. Oh what fun.

But first I need to talk to the clinic. Triggering my anger all over again. Oh what fun.

13 comments:

The Town Criers said...

This is the place to mourn the children who should be here but aren't. The ones who have been inside your heart for so long. I hope the break brings peace and answers.

Kristen said...

Your anger is totally justified. I am just so sorry about everything. I don't know what to say and there really are no words to comfort you right now.

I hope you are being good to yourself. We are all here for you. We all mourn with you for the babies you haven't had. XOXO

A.M.S. said...

I'm sorry just doesn't say enough.

Ellen K. said...

You said it, Dianne.

I am glad your husband is so supportive. It really makes a difference.

I too feel the loss of "nothing". I've seen D.'s sperm via microscope, and my eggs on u/s, and that's all.

Take care.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Oh, Diane! I know that anger too, too well. You're altogether justified in the emotion. One of these developments alone would be enough to gather the dark clouds of anger -- but collectively they create a storm, a tidal wave. Really wishing you didn't have to experience it. We're here for you friend.

Sticky Bun said...

I'm so sorry, Dianne. I wish there was something else I could say to be inspirational or helpful. Just know that I'm thinking of you.

Chanti said...

Lots of love and understanding being sent your way. It's good that you will be taking some time of and yay for supportive husbands.
I am sorry that IF is even an issue for any of us. Hang in there girl. We're all here for you

Samantha said...

I have that anger too. Sometimes I feel like it's gone away, but I realize that it's there bubbling under the surface. Your anger is completely understandable and justified. Life is unfair and you are getting the short end of the stick for now.

I also wish there was a place to mourn for the children that weren't, for all of the whispers of hope that have passed through our lives. I think we will all need to find our own individual places to do that.

Home, Sweets Home! said...

Like Kirsten said, your anger is justified! There's not much we can say, but at least there are many here supporting you...

Fertilize Me said...

Oh Diane, I am so sorry to read this. It brought me to tears, so i can only imagine what your insides feel like. I am thinking of you and saying a prayer for you

CAM said...

Go ahead and be as angry as you want. This whole thing is unfair and makes no sense when unfit people can get pregnant. I am angry with you...we are all angry with you. I am so sorry. We are all here for you.
:)

JJ said...

Enjoy your year...and hold onto the joy you all share as a couple--you have been through a LOT.

I hope the anger subsides soon...I hate that these feelings will linger longer than you want them to.

Hugs for you...

butterflyanla said...

I found your blog, via the lovely Sharah. My husband and I have just decided to take a break and I too will be going to the doctor and asking for birth control pills after years of waiting for a baby. If you would like to read my blog, send em an email and I will gladly add you to the approved list. Like Sharah said, we are not alone.